The Hate List

I'll do anything! Eat anything! My bum is on a deer! Look! Am I awesome yet?



It speaks to the intelligence of a generation that at some point in time, American pop culture was so pathetic that some Hollywood exec said, "I know, lets give this guy a show." And someone else actually agreed!

I have never seen a better example of a man who never grew past the three-year-old-pay-attention-to-me stage. And that is all the time I'm wasting on Tom Green.

Yeah, his mom forgot to tell him his face would freeze like that...because it already has.


I can't even tell you what it is exactly about this guy that inspires hatred. I can only say that his appearance in a film is enough to place it on the permanent boycott list.

Perhaps it's his overacting in everything, or his stubborn insistence on whining in the most annoying way possible in every film he's in. Every film with him in it is a waste of money that could be sent to those poor starving screenplay writers slaving away at waitressing jobs all over Beverly Hills.

Is he really trying to make obesity funny?



Yes, I'm about to speak I'll of the dead.

Anyone that has to throw himself onto tables, squeeze into kids clothes, and scream his entire life just to get noticed should probably have taken the hint that Hollywood doesn't need him. We have plenty of morons to take his place.

And speaking of morons, lets name some of them...

Hmm...what buttons can I push to get some publicity? I know!



A female Tom Green. Can someone with a high pain tolerance just pay attention to her all the time so that she won't go seeking it on public television please!

This is where he does the capitalized part of his typical dialogue:


The typical dialogue of a Billy Crystal film: (done in the most nasal, annoying tone that you can muster) Whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine, WHINE!

Has there been an acception to this? I started blocking him out of my movie going experiences after Analyze That, so I could be wrong...but I don't think so!

My guess is, he's talking about airline food...or supermarket lines. Anything but something worth talking about.



Don't you just hate it when (fill in generic mind-numbing daily task that everyone hates and insert non-comedic pun that people laugh at to feel intelligent)?

Wow Jerry, you just read my mind! I think I'll give you a TV show! Who else can we get to whine about things that everybody whines about for WAY too many seasons? I know! How about...

Yes...this picture represents reality!



With a face only a mother could love, it's no real surprise that he's got a whine that only the deaf can tolerate. There should be a general rule that men who are only able to talk directly through their nose should not be allowed to speak in public.

Ew. EW! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!



There has been WAY too much sex talk associated with this guy to be anything but disgusting. A nation seemed to agree that hearing the sordid details of this guy's sex life in the jumpy whining New York accent that became George Costanza was something entertaining. I disagree with the nation on this one...and still can't stomach the show.

Ee! They took my Lucky Charms! Fagedaboutit!



As a general rule, any short annoying creature who talks with an accent should be captured and asked where his pot of gold is. If one is met with a stream of high pitched cuss words and mobster slang instead of the location of his gold (and/or Lucky Charms), one should promptly begin measures to ensure that this evil little elf does not make it into any more stereotypical gangster movies.

Run screaming. Thanks to Seinfeld, we know every boring detail of where those lips have been.



Nope, I do not care if you are faking orgasms or cheating on intelligence tests. Do this in the privacy of your own home where no one had to witness your scrunched up face in a prime time slot again. As an afterthought...there's nothing new about old Christine. There's only has been actresses trying to milk a dead cow that lasted WAY too long in the first place.

Making awkward sexy since...who are we kidding. He's never been sexy.



OK, I must admit to having seen quite a few of Ben Stiller's movies. There are funny parts in most of them, but I always end up wondering why I didn't just turn off the movie after the first embarrassing moment involving bodily fluids/bodily malfunctions.

This man deserves to be wiped from cinema history for the fact that he was the instigator of the "awkward is funny" trend. Milking cats, making kissy faces, and zipping your balls up in a zipper are NOT funny moments. Would YOU laugh if you found out what that hair gel you were wearing really was?

So, which profession can I spend the next eight months turning into a joke today?



Yet another example of someone who rode the SNL tailcoats into a flash fame of dumb ass bodily humor and awkward moments. How else would someone so ugly get on television?

At this point, I believe SNL should be cancelled purely for public health reasons. It seems to be killing brain cells at a rate that would be causing mass panic...if the masses weren't all too busy quoting this guy's terrible movies!

Hey! I saw this in Evan Almighty...no, in the Office...no, in Dan in Real Life...no...


One of those annoying characters that followed the same "awkward is comedy" trend straight to the top. I despise The Office and the one character that he plays in all of his movies as well.

Newsflash: acting out the most awkward moments of one's life is not always funny. As a matter of fact, it's really only funny when you've given up thinking and are just looking for base, idiotic humor. Luckily, there are still some people who demand a bit more.

Asperger's immortalized. Thanks for that.



Now, I realize that nowadays to earn an Oscar, you have to play either a homosexual, a mentally ill person, or a really unattractive person, but Mr. Cera needs to acknowledge the fact that if you try to play them all at the same time in a succession of thirty movies where the characters should, most times, be different people, you are still not going to be voted Hollywood's best.

Is is really a good thing when people associate your image with cafeteria food?



Dear Jon,

The llama outacted you. The tater tots outacted you. The "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt outacted you. The zamboni outacted you. The bench that you were warming was more entertaining than you. I saw several blades of grass that I enjoyed more than your acting. Please stop making still lifes.

Thank you,
The general public

Surprise, surprise. Rob playing a sidekick to Adam Sandler.



For some reason, I can't hate him as much as the others. He's got this permenent expression on his face that makes me think that maybe at one point, he knew how to act and was trying to make legitimate movies, but got screwed out of his opportunity by the evil writers, who condemned him to a lifetime of trolling after Adam Sandler on a spike covered leash. Poor guy.

Oh, NOW I remember why!



Hmmm...she has a sex tape. She has fake perky breasts. She talks like a valley girl and will think anything we plant in her head.

Let's gather up her two chunky, mannish sisters...add a creepy, puppet looking stepfather, and give them a show. It will go straight to the top of the charts in America!

The fact that this person was right makes me fear for the future.

Oh, NOW I remember why!



Any near 30 year old who has not been out of her little spoiled rotten social bubble long enough to do her own shopping deserves scores of hate mail. Not that she would receive any of it. That is for the 300 people she employs to handle her "fan mail."

According to rumors, this monster was actually planning a "Simple Life," African version, where she went around making fun of dying kids in Africa. For her sake, I hope that rumor is not true. For our sake, I hope some insane Christian activist thinks it is and plants himself with a bomb outside of one of her 30 mansions.

Oh, NOW I remember why!



Every time I hear this girl laugh, I am driven to violent thoughts. It's like fingernails down a chalkboard!

I'll be honest here and admit that my hatred of this one could stem from the fact that I didn't think of making money by stuffing plastic under every inch of my skin, playing permanently dumb, and sleeping with rich unattractive men first! Damn my slow money making thought process!

Yup...Wierd still doesn't cover up ugly.


Really? A meat suit? A dress covered in Kermits? REALLY? Has musical ability fallen so low on the promotor's list that one is now required to dress in food to get the attention one craves? Whatever happened to going crazy? Hitting people with cars on four day benders? Rehab? I would take any of these from Madam Gaga--mostly because they would send her away long enough for the spell to break and cause the three gay guys that follow her to question their own sanity. MAGIC! Lady Gaga disappears.

(Just PLEASE don't give us the typical diva brat crotch shot! If she wears frogs and meat, I don't even want to know what covers the girlie parts!)

Sadly, I do play some of her songs in the Zumba class I teach. That's really all they're good for. Mindless background music to sweat to.

No...not the image I want in my mind right now.



I like Maggie Gyllenhaal's acting. She has chosen some very good roles, and rarely tries to go for a female sex symbol type of character...which is wise, because if you saw her in the street, you'd mistake her for a crack whore with a hard life.

OK...she outacted Katie to play Batman's girl, but PLEASE stop saying that she was better for the part. It was Batman. We didn't need a good actress. We needed an attractive, voiceless damsel in distress. Attractive being the important part here. Sorry Maggie.

Should you really be drawing attention to your face?



Really? Would you cheat on your wife with this? If so, your wife reserves the right to feel vindicated her entire life that you ended up with well...Sandra Oh. No more feminine rolls for this one. Put some makeup on her and make her a Predator!

Giving geriatrics hope everywhere!



This is not a surprise. She's been (not unjustly) compared to a horse. I watched enough Sex in the City to feel like I was watching a soft core bestiality flick, and then I never watched again. In the immortal words of Uncle Buck, Mrs. Parker,

"Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."

Hey, enjoy your fame! Just don't try to be a sex symbol after you do!



I couldn't even see it 20 years ago, but at least then, he had a neck and only one or two chins. Now, he's OK for random comedy tours, but he REALLY needs to refrain from playing romantic leads. I like my chick flick men to be stereotypically perfect and unattainable, not 40 pounds overweight and drunk.

What the Hell!



Pretty much makes this list for disappointing me in Beowulf. Mistakingly thinking that if Angelina Jolie was semi-accurate in her animation, that perhaps I had stumbled upon a new movie crush in the lead actor, I rushed home and googled Mr. Winstone. Bastard.

He's not bad in his other roles, but that crash still smarts. Don't do that again and you'll be fine, buddy!

It's like the girl next door...if the girl next door were an oversexed ginger lesbian who did strange things at band camp!



Eternally persued by male and female lovable losers alike, this pint sized red-head should be one of the most attractive figures around right? Nope. But she sure does try to make people think that. She also fits into the "Awkard is not funny" category.

Oh look! They made it move to insight more violent urges!


I can't say I have any extreme hatred toward any of her films. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing her trying to dance in her underwear. And if I see another sadly, poorly typecast, overly happy, manic pixie character placed in her filmography, I think I'm going to have to retract the first line of this rant.

Just one of those actresses who plays the same character in every film, and I have yet to find that character anything but punching bag worthy. To be honest, who didn't want to hit her a couple of times in My Best Friend's Wedding?

Drag Queens are jealous!



Yes, I know. People will disagree with me on this one since she is always on the Hot Female lists, but this is my general opinion list, however uneducated they may be, and I maintain the opinion that this girl looks like a drag queen who has been squeezed hard enough for her eyes to pop out a little bit.

I enjoyed quite a few of her movies, and she's not a bad actress at all, but she is just not attractive enough to play some of the roles she gets. She ruins a lot of films for me.

Douchebags: meet your messiah...


Let's be fair and admit right off the bat that I hate rap and have never listened to any of this moron's music, so this is another one of those extremely uneducated opinions. At one point, I even mistook him for R. Kelly. Thanks to knobbygnomes for setting me straight.

I would ask who this arrogant douchebag thinks that he is, but it is quite clear from the picture. I would call him an inconsiderate megalomaniac, but I'm pretty sure that those two words have too many syllables to mean anything to him. He'd probably just think I was hitting on him...and then, of course, assure me that he only dates black women.

RUN!!!! But do it in that funny, Benny Hill type way!



Of course there are those who will now tell me I have no appreciation of English humor...to which I will reply that if this guy has been representing English humor all these years, THANK GOD!!!!

If I wanted to watch a pasty mute guy walk around doing things that should get him beat up, there are plenty of mimes that I could watch for free.

Still, at least he's somewhat silent while annoying his populace. Just look at number one to see what America has to counter. Check mate, England!

Am I funny yet? Keep smoking...


Come on. Everyone knows that the only reason that this guy even has a show is because medical marijuana has been legalized in 15 U.S. States and easily accesible in the rest.

Aside from being stoned past the point of recognizing reality, I can't seem to find one single reason to find this guy funny.

Uncle Sam wants you...to boycott newer Bill Murray movies!



Another one who plays the same character again...and again...and again, and while that character is amusing in corny eighties movies, it got old before the next decade rolled around. I'm now bored with it, but he's still coming!

I've got to give him points for being able to laugh at himself in Zombieland however. Gives me hope that maybe he's not a jackass, but just plays one (the same one) on TV.

Your standard generic sitcom that will never be memorable. Why is it on all the time on every channel?



Yup, speaking ill of the dead again. How this guy got a TV show, I'll never understand. How it was popular enough to last will be another mystery. Thankfully, no one will ever know, and the show was cancelled of natural causes. Phew.

Yup, this one pretty much sums up her entire acting reportoire:

Seriously people. Who hired this girl as an actress? What unjust connections does she have in Hollywood, or has she been taking advantage of some producer's secret pedophelia to get her parts? At best the girl could be a fairly talented pot smoker.

Same acting and same face in every movie I've seen her in. If her hair were on fire, I'm pretty sure the only thing that would alert me to that fact would be the flames (that I would, in fact, be cheering for).

I would love to say that she was acceptable in one of her films, but she really only brought nausea wherever she left her mark. I can't blame her entirely for destroying the Twilight series, but let's all admit it, there were several trees and rocks in those films that showed more emotion than Stewart did!

Can you tell where the real piece of his face is?



Rocky...Rambo. Enough said, but just in case...

Anyone who watched The Specialist and had to stomach Sly's ass wrinkles mixing with the veins of too much weight lifting can jump right in an support me here.

When a guy has a stroke (or a palsy, or whatever it may be) that prevents him from moving one half of his face, it is REALLY time to stop giving him action rolls.

This guy looks nuts. He can pull a trigger. Hired!



OK, he made a great psycho in a downward spiral, and the make-up guys on the movie, The Cell, made him one hell of an antagonist, but let's face it...his acting ability was blown away with his brains in Full Metal Jacket. He should have stopped there.

Did someone mention that man boobs and chipmunk cheeks are discouraged in Hollywood? How about overacting. I'm pretty sure that this guy and William Shatner are long lost brothers.

Yo, homie...just stop.



Here is a prime example of someone who was falsely told that he was attractive from a very young age, and thus believes that he can be equally attractive 50 years later. Playing off of those...ahem..."looks," Travolta has thrown aside any possible acting lessons and creates masterpieces like Broken Arrow and Battlefield Earth.

One more reason to avoid Scientology.

Why thats right. A fu-man-chu moustache CAN turn me Asian! I'm John Wayne!



Have you SEEN his movies? Does anyone believe that a hero cowboy or a green beret would ever be allowed to have that much of a beer gut or continue his services past the age of 65.

Were women of that era so beaten down that they found this geriatric racist any form of manly? Because honestly, I don't see him acting that way...or any way at all. Hollywood wasted a whole lot of movie potential on him. Sad.

OK, circle the wagons and get ready to hang her. She doesn't like Dirty Harry!



Now this is the one that will have me lynched, so please...let me justify.

From what I know of him, Clint Eastwood is a great guy as a person, and quite well educated. I'll vouch for him as a director. I love quite a few of the movies he directed, even though he seems to insist upon including himself as the main character in quite a few of them.

However, the last time an expressionless growl counted as acting ability was in the time of the spaghetti western--decades ago, when westerns weren't considered historical fiction and Clint was considered a heartthrob!

Nowadays, he seems to surround himself with worse and worse actors just to show people that he is better than someone. Case in point: Gran Torino. Could you have possibly found two worse Asian actors to beef the old guy up a bit? Probably, but I'm not sure Mr. Eastwood had the lifespan left to try that hard.

I'm just going to put the nails in my coffin here and say that Clint Eastwood's next perfect role would be Pop John Paul II. That way, he could scowl the whole movie and never have to move. AAAAAAND GO on the "oh you're terrible!" comments!