Celebrity Insults

about Richard Attenborough

"Sir Richard (‘I’m-going-to-attack-the-Establishment-fifty-years-after-it’s-dead’) Attenborough is guilty of caricature, a sense of righteous self-satisfaction, and repetition which all undermine the impact of the film.”

about Michelangelo Antonioni

“Antonioni is the only important director I have nothing good to say about. He bores me; he’s so solemn and humorless."

about Herman Melville

"Nobody can be more clownish, more clumsy and sententiously in bad taste, than Herman Melville, even in a great book like ‘Moby Dick’….One wearies of the grand serieux. There’s something false about it. And that’s Melville. Oh dear, when the solemn ass brays! brays! brays!”

about Edgar Allan Poe

"An enthusiasm for Poe is the mark of a decidedly primitive stage of reflection.”

about Voltaire

“I grow bored in France, and the main reason is that everybody here resembles Voltaire…the king of nincompoops, the prince of the superficial, the anti-artist, the spokesman of janitresses, the Father Gigone of the editors of Siecle.”

About Donald Trump

"As long as Donald Trump’s decisions for America are as solid as his decision about his hair, we’re in good shape."

about George W. Bush

"Just so you know, we're on the good side with y'all. We do not want this war, this violence, and we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas."

about Toby Keith:

"I hate it. It's ignorant."

about Brett Anderson

"He’ll never forgive God for not making him Angie Bowie.”

about Bob Geldof

“Bob Geldof is a nauseating character. Band Aid was the most self-righteous platform ever in the history of popular music.”

about Arcade Fire

“I get really tired of their pompousness [sic]… We’ve played some shows with them and they really treat people like shit. People treat Arcade Fire like they’re the greatest thing ever and they get away with it… They have good tunes, but they’re pricks, so fuck ‘em.”

about Miguel Cervantes

"Reading Don Quixote can be compared to an indefinite visit from your most impossible senior relative, with all his pranks, dirty habits, unstoppable reminiscences, and terrible cronies. When the experience is over, and the old boy checks out at last (on page 846 — the prose wedged tight, with no breaks for dialogue), you will shed tears all right; not tears of relief or regret but tears of pride. You made it, despite all that ‘Don Quixote’ could do.”

about Jane Austen

"Miss Austen’s novels . . . seem to me vulgar in tone, sterile in artistic invention, imprisoned in the wretched conventions of English society, without genius, wit, or knowledge of the world. Never was life so pinched and narrow. The one problem in the mind of the writer . . . is marriageableness.”

about Rudyard Kipling

"Mr Kipling … stands for everything in this cankered world which I would wish were otherwise.”

about Dave Grohl

“As for that drummer, well, he’s hit on me so many times. He’s just a very very conflicted guy about me, which is why he continually writes songs about me to hear he ‘hates’ me more than ‘anyone else.’ Kurt loathed HIM more than anyone else (except a journalist) … He’s just sub-mediocre kind of [guy] who does this ‘nice guy’ nonsense.”

about John Keats

“Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.”

about D.H. Lawrence

"Filth. Nothing but obscenities.”

about Ezra Pound

"A village explainer. Excellent if you were a village, but if you were not, not.”

about Ernest Hemingway

“As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early ‘forties, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it."

about Joseph Conrad

"I cannot abide Conrad’s souvenir shop style and bottled ships and shell necklaces of romanticist cliches.”

about Fyodor Dostoevsy

“Dostoevky’s lack of taste, his monotonous dealings with persons suffering with pre-Freudian complexes, the way he has of wallowing in the tragic misadventures of human dignity, all this is difficult to admire.”

about Dante Alighieri

“A hyena that wrote poetry on tombs.”

about Walt Whitman

"…like a large shaggy dog just unchained scouring the beaches of the world and baying at the moon.”

about The Levellers

“You could go to any Levellers concert and stand in the middle and shout, ‘Jeremy!’, and 75% of the audience would turn round.”

about Slowdrive

“We hate Slowdive more than we hate Hitler.”

about Mumford & Sons

“There was this other group warming up … and they were terrible. I said, ‘Shut them cunts up!’ And they were still warming up, so I threw a bottle at them … I just thought they were a load of retarded Irish folk singers.”

about U2

"Whose political ass are we going to pull you out of today? Or are you front row at another tragic fashion show?..."

"U2 you are business moguls not musicians anymore. No wonder you have to give your mediocre music away for free cause no one wants to buy it."

"Guys nothing is for free, how much you making? PS, btw you are just a bunch of middle age political groupies...."

about Donald Sterling

"I want to thank everyone on Earth. Everyone on Earth, except...except Donald Sterling. I don't want to."

about Donald Sterling

"I wouldn't play for him."

about Jay Leno

"Oh, this is a trick, right? Where you get me to host The Tonight Show and then take it back from me?"

"All you have to take of is cars. We have lives to lead here. You have $800 million for God's sake. Leave our shows alone."

about Jay Leno

“I’ve never seen anybody who behaves like a robot like this guy. Where’s the emotion? Where’s the humanity?”

about Jay Leno and David Letterman

“I hold both of them in nothing but the most complete and utter contempt. If they were two sides of a coin, I’d toss it in the river.”

about Shia LaBeouf's skywritting apology.

"I have always felt, utterly and unchangeably, that only sociopaths hire skywritters."

after getting a tweeted apolgy, from Shia (which oddly enough, was copied from an apology Lena made awhile back)..

"Vaguely recognize Shia LaBeouf's latest twitter apolgy, and realized it was Mine! Touche, Louis Stevens."

about Shia LaBeouf's plagiarism

"If you're going to be that dumb and delusional and boring, when you speak, just go ahead and plagerize."

about Shia LaBeouf's plagiarism.

"This is by far, the most that I've ever been entertained by Shia LaBeouf."

about Shia LaBeouf

"Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that."

about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford:

“I like the fact that he said he did smoke crack but he was in a drunken stupor at the time. In all fairness, he only drinks when he’s on acid. And he only takes acid after he’s strangled a hooker.”

“He said now’s the time to get back to work. I thought, yeah you have to get back to work to buy crack. Crack doesn’t buy itself.”

about Sarah Palin

"It's like a really bad Disney movie. The hockey mom, you know, 'oh, I'm just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down President Putin... It's totally absurd... it's a really terrifying possibility... I need to know if she really thinks that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do. Because she's gonna have the nuclear codes."

about Sarah Palin

"She said that small towns, that's the part of the country she really likes going to because that's the pro-America part of the country. You know, I just want to say to her, just very quickly: Fuck you."

"When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."

about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford:

"Whoa, what, what, whaat, whaaaat?! Somewhere in a basement, through his tears, Anthony Weiner is going ‘what the fuck’?”

about Justin Bieber being constantly late for concerts, on his latest tour.

"Do it once, you can be forgiven. Do it enough times and shame on you. They won’t have you back. Then it just becomes a cliché. It's really not cool you’re an asshole. Go to fuckin’ work!"

about Barack Obama

“How do you handle promises that you have made when you were running for election, and how do you handle them? I mean, what do you say to people? When somebody doesn’t do the job, you gotta let ’em go,”

to Ernest Borgnine

"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"

to Winston Churchill

"Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."

Churchill's reply

"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one."

to a line judge

"You can't see as well as these fucking flowers - and they're fucking plastic."

about Helen Reddy

"She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra."

to Robert Mitchum

"You're like a pay toilet, aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing."

to Joe Frazier

"Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife."

about Warren Beatty

"He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms."

about Montgomery Clift

"He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it."

to Val Kilmer

"You're confusing your talents with the size of your paycheck."

about Chevy Chase

"He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner."

about Roseanne Barr

"The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered."

about The Beatles

"The Beatles were peripheral. If you had more knowledge about music, it didn't really mean anything."

about Judy Garland

"I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well."

about T.S. Eliot

"T. S. Eliot and I like to play, but I like to play euchre, while he likes to play Eucharist."

about Bo Derek

"She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."

about Rihanna

"Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfey that she still loves Chris Brown. Idiot! Now it's MY turn to slap her."