Added by astro_man23 on 17 May 2011 10:22

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Politicians Who Cheated

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Rating: List Type:

5.2

Bill Clinton

Office: President of the United States
Term: 1992-2000
Party: Democratic Party
Preference: Chubby Interns & Cigars
OMG: I redefined the word "is," making me the greatest lawyer of all time. I also redefined the job description of a White House intern.

vs.

astro_man23's rating:

Kirk Fordice

Office: Governor of Mississippi
Term: 1992-2000 (hey, same as Bill)
Party: Republican Party
Preference: High-school Crushes
OMG: I protected the sanctity of marriage in our Christian Nation by denying them ungodly gays the right to marry...then I cheated on my wife.

astro_man23's rating:

2.3

Bob Barr

Office: U.S. Representative (7th District of Georgia)
Term: 1995-2003
Party: The G.O.P. (God's Only Party)
Preference: Licking Ice-Cream Off of Buxom Breasts
OMG: I helped lead the way to impeach Bill, took a strong stance against infidelity and abortion, but my ex-wife swore in an affidavit I paid for an abortion, and that I was probably cheating on her. Good thing I never said anything about that to the goddamn press.

astro_man23's rating:

Young Timothy Hutchinson

Office: U.S. Senate (Arkansas)
Term: 2002-2008
Party: God's Party, Republicans
Preference: Staff Aides
OMG: I took a hardline stance against that sonuvabitch Clinton to protect the sanctity of marriage. Then I divorced my wife of 29 years and married a staff aide. Family values rock!!

astro_man23's rating:

1.3

Edward Brooke

Office: U.S. Senate (Massachusettes)
Term: 1967-1979
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Barbara Walters
OMG: Barbara Walters!

astro_man23's rating:

Michael Joseph Bowers

Office: Attorney General (Georgia)
Term: 1981-1997
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Playboy Club waitresses who happened to become my secretary
OMG: The affair only lasted for a decade and continued up to my bid for the Governor's office. What's the big deal?

astro_man23's rating:

Henry John Hyde

Office: U.S. Representatives (6th District Illinois)
Term: 1975-2007
Party: Party of Morals and Family Values
Preference: Impeaching President Clinton while conducting a secret affair
OMG: I knew that to beat my enemy, I had to understand him. And the only way I could do that, was to have an extramarital affair. I did it for the good of the country.

astro_man23's rating:

Bob Packwood

Office: U.S. Senate (Oregon)
Term: 1969-1995
Party: Republicans of Columbus
Preference: Any random woman
OMG: Sexual harassment and sexual abuse allegations from 10 different staffers and aides! Beat that, Tim Hutchinson, you fuckin amateur!

astro_man23's rating:

Danny Lee Burton

Office: U.S. House of Representatives (6th District Indiana)
Term: 1983-2003
Party: The Anti-Clinton, I mean, Anti-Obama, I mean Republican Party
Preference: Fathering babies out of wedlock, nurses
OMG: So what if I married the woman who was nursing my dying wife?

astro_man23's rating:

Mark Adam Foley

Office: U.S. House of Representatives (16th District, Florida)
Term: 1995-2006
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Teenage boys, Congressional pages, sexting
Turn-offs: FBI Investigations
OMG: I will vote against LBGT rights, even though, by doing so, technically, I'm voting against my own rights. God, I love America.

astro_man23's rating:

6.4

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Office: President of the United States (and the best one at that)
Term: 1933-1945 (Congress had to kick me out, those bastards)
Party: Democratic Party
Preference: Well, besides beating Nazi ass, beating Depression ass, and fighting polio, that would be Lucy Mercer. She was there when I died. And where was my wife? {shrugs}
OMG: I just couldn't keep away from Ms. Mercer. Probably should've just married her instead of my wife. Yeah, probably would've made more sense.

astro_man23's rating:

John McCain

Office: U.S. Senate (Arizona)
Term: 1987-Current
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Besides being a badass war hero and then a total fucking sellout to the conservative nutjobs to whom I sacrificed my goddamn political future? And for what? For fucking Sarah Palin?! That's what I got out of the 2008 election?! That's my fucking legacy?! Fuck, I should've just run as Obama's VP.
OMG: I cheated. It happened. Let's move on.

astro_man23's rating:

Bob Livingston

Office: U.S. House of Representatives (1st District, Louisiana)
Term: 1977-1999
Party: Party of Stone Casters
Preference: Impeaching presidents while getting my knob shined by a woman not my wife
OMG: After I got caught having my affair, I doubled-dog dared Bill to resign with me, but that pussy chickened out. I did it for you, America. I did it for you.

astro_man23's rating:

Neil Goldschmidt

Office: Governor of Oregon
Term: 1987-1991
Party: Democraps
Preference: 14-year-old girls
OMG: Yeah, I had sex with a 14-year-old girl. You need something else?

astro_man23's rating:

Wayne Hays

Office: U.S. House of Representatives (18th District, Ohio)
Term: 1949-1976
Party: Dumbocrats
Preference: Two for the price of one
OMG: Divorced my wife of 4 decades, then quickly remarried somebody while hiring a hot young "secretary" to be my mistress. Why remarry? It's hotter when you know it's wrong. Giggity.

astro_man23's rating:

Arthur Brown (politician)

Office: U.S. Senate (Utah)
Term: 1896-1897
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Bitches who don't shoot me
OMG: And then my bitch of a mistress shot me in the #$@$*! back. She shot me in the @#$!@# back and I died.

astro_man23's rating:

Mark Sanford

Office: Governor of South Carolina
Term: 2003-2011
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Abandoning my responsibilities, flying to Argentina and boning some sweet South American mamma
OMG: Did it all in office and you paid for it!

astro_man23's rating:

John Ensign

Office: U.S. Senate (Nevada)
Term: 2001-2011
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Going after Dems for being morally corrupt, tree-hugging servants of Satan all while doin' a woman who is not the woman I vowed to be faithful to
OMG: I protected the sanctity of marriage by keeping those dirty gays out of our military during a time of war, then had to resign because I got caught breaking the vows of my marriage.

astro_man23's rating:

2.8

John Edwards

Office: U.S. Senator (North Carolina)
Term: 1999-2005
Party: Democrats
Preference: Women who aren't my dying wife
OMG: My wife was practically on her deathbed. And I used her as a talking point during the 2008 campaign, remember? Yeah, I cheated on her. But she's dead now. That makes it okay, right? I mean, could you imagine the kind of shitstorm the Dems would be in now if I had beat Obama and McCain? It would be Clinton all over again. Heh heh. That's kinda funny to think about, yall.

astro_man23's rating:

Larry Craig

Office: U.S. Senate (Idaho)
Term: 1991-2009
Party: Republican Party
Preference: Self-loathing, anonymous homosexual bathroom encounters
OMG: I am so not-gay that I voted against gay rights in just about every way you can imagine. In fact, I'm so not-gay that I have sex with men all the time. I even know the secret foot-tapping gay code that gets you laid at truck stops and airports. That's how not-gay I am.

astro_man23's rating:

David Vitter

Office: U.S. Senate (Louisiana)
Term: 2005-Current
Party: Repubs
Preference: Illegal Prostitutes
OMG: Hey at least the Republican Party was willing to forgive me simply to keep a Republican in office. And I got to collect a paycheck. I love this country!

astro_man23's rating:

Jim McGreevey

Office: Governor of New Jersey
Term: 2002-2004
Party: Party of All-Talk, No-Action
Preference: Israeli Defense Force Veterans I appoint as New Jersey Homeland Security adviser. I am definitely pro-Israel ;)
OMG: I picked the best time to come out of the closet: while in office!

astro_man23's rating:

Thomas Jefferson (I)

Office: President of the United States
Term: 1801-1809
Party: Democratic-Republican Party, Friends of America (pretty exclusive club as far as political groups go)
Preference: Concubine Sally Hemmings
OMG: Yeah I was married to a white woman, but I couldn't help sticking my paw in the brown sugar jar. I was the founding father of more than just America, bitches. Mocha babies!

astro_man23's rating:

1.4

Eliot Spitzer

Office: Governor of New York
Term: 2007-2008
Party: Party of Change You Wish You Could Believe In
Preference: Ugly Skanks That Overcharge
OMG: I cleverly used my anti-prostitution platform as a coverup for a prostitute addiction, the way Republicans use their anti-gay platform to stay in the closet. Sadly, it backfired right in my fucking monkey face.

vs.

astro_man23's rating:

1.6

Rudy Giuliani

Office: America's Mayor (NYC's the only city that matters)
Term: 1994-2001
Party: G.O.P.
Preference: Anything with a va-jay-jay
OMG: I don't even know how many mistresses I've had. Do you?

astro_man23's rating:

7.3

John F. Kennedy

Office: President of the United States
Term: 1961-1963
Party: Democratic Party
Preference: Hotties, Girls Who Know What They Can Do For Their Country
OMG: Blondes? Brunettes? Both. I mean look at them. Can you blame me?

and

astro_man23's rating:

6.6

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Office: Governator of Kaliforniya
Term: 2003-2011
Party: The Arnold Branch of the Republican Party (official party symbol thumbnailed on the right)
Preference: Women who can keep a secret
OMG: For years, I kept my affairs a secret knowing that my wife, a Democrat, would support me as I made my way to the top in politics, just like I did in Conan the Barbarian. And to show my support, I kindly allowed her to sign my ugly mistress's paychecks for all those years.

vs.

astro_man23's rating:

2.2

Newt Gingrich

Office: Lord Governor of Christendom Morality and Family Values
Term: Whenever a Democrat's in office
Party: God's Chosen Party of the Right
Preference: Any woman not my wife
OMG: Cheated on multiple wives, even ones on a deathbed, all while touting "family values" and going after Bill with all the rabid furor only a Christian zealot or Muslim terrorist could possibly appreciate. Now all I have to do is beat that intellectual giant Sarah Palin in a primary. Then, America is mine.

astro_man23's rating:

Voters of this person list - View all

Political Heroes who Are Also Cheatin Bastards

When I pitched the idea of this list to all the true American heroes on it, I was surprised to learn that they all wanted to be a part of it. In fact, they were so excited they made me take detailed notes so I wouldn't screw anything up. Fearful I would somehow fail to mention some vital fact not included in my extremely thorough, highly accurate, and very unbiased Internet research, they eventually commandeered the entire project. What is presented here, therefore, is the work of each man in his own words. For obvious reasons, a spiritual medium was required in order to communicate with the deceased, but thankfully, Bill, who was indefatigable in his support of this project, came through for us. For all his encouragement, I have decided to list him first. However, each man--no--each patriot here truly deserves his place on this list--and his place in our hearts.

Democrats: 8 (Self-fellating Donkey)
Republicans: 19 (Braindead Elephant)
Arnold: 1 (Arnold)

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