British Comedy: How Do You Want Me?

Years: 1998-1999
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Simon Nye
Stars: Dylan Moran, Charlotte Coleman
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 7.083

BEST EPISODES:
The Pleasures of Village Life (1999), Ready Steady Kill (1999)

SERIES ONE

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 38
Episode Average: 6.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

Originally broadcast: 24 February 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian's forced to move to the country when his wife struggles with city life, a need for a career leads to a decision to buy a photography studio, and a misjudged joke only makes things worse with his disapproving in-laws.

"'Bus shelter too small and dark, claims pastor.' Now that really gets the adrenaline going, doesn't it?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E2

FLOPPY, BUT NOT TOO FLOPPY

Originally broadcast: 3 March 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian tries to put together a portfolio to win a school photograph contract,
Lisa tells her ex-boyfriend that he has to give up hope of a reunion, and Yardley offers £20,000 to get his unwanted son-in-law out of the picture.

"And the big bush in your front garden with the purple leaves... I like it. It's nice. I want you to send it to me in a special big bush box."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E3

MONSTROUS

Originally broadcast: 10 March 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Dean demands some football team photographs in exchange for a trial, Ian's furious when a set of private pictures are put on public display, and Lisa rescues the new goalkeeper when he takes part in a series of rituals.

"No, no, this is Tiffany, Lisa's identical twin sister, posing with my identical twin, Neil, for the Identical Twins Garage Calendar, 1998. Of course it's us!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E4

WOOF

Originally broadcast: 17 March 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian asks a comedian friend to perform at a League of Ponies gala night, Derek's set up with a blind date to help him get over his obsession, and Lisa decides to go and stay with her sister after a cruel tablecloth prank.

"Helen, I ran a satirical nightclub kind of place. Not bigots in a basket, scampi and stuff in some lay-by off Weybridge."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S1E5

THE HIDDEN WORLD OF COUNTRY FIRE STATIONS

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

An alternative has to be found when Lisa decides to stop taking the pill, Dean insists that going on calls will help with a book about fire stations, and Ian makes his own plans when the family visit to play board games.

"Right, that's it! I can't do it now. I'm not unloading myself into a swing bin."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E6

SAUSAGE, BALLOON, BUM

Originally broadcast: 31 March 1998
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

A mother complains when her son is given a slap during a photo session, Ian's encouraged to learn bridge so he can spend time with his in-laws, and Lisa reveals the real reason why she decided to stop taking the pill.

"Anyway, I mean, it's gonna be like America. You go into a restaurant and skid on a pea, and there'll be everybody suing each other's arses off. Then you'll be on television and in a tribunal for pea abuse."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

SERIES TWO

(1999)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

WHITE PUBIC HAIR

Originally broadcast: 10 November 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian falls through a barn roof while trying to take photographs of Penfold, Lisa decides to take up a hobby when she finds something worrying, and suspicions grow about whether the Turkey Man had murder on his mind.

"He did. You should see the way he looked at me. It's beyond hate. If my muscles hadn't been relaxed, I would have died. I fell 30 feet. That's the height of... six short women."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E2

I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Originally broadcast: 17 November 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Norriswood takes issue with the children using the teachers' first names, Yardley has his nose put out of joint by the newest school governor, and Ian decides to give up the booze after a drunken motor mower incident.

"Of course. One occasionally forgets that everyone in this village is related."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E3

NUDE MODELLING MODULE

Originally broadcast: 24 November 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian finds that men are the most interested in his new photgraphy course, Lisa struggles to find inspiration as she sets about writing her first novel, and a pretty 17-year-old's obsession sees her hanging around the studio.

"How about immortalising a pet? We're doing a special deal on kittens at the moment, between the ages of tiny and quite small."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E4

THE BAD BUILDERS

Originally broadcast: 8 December 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Derek's not happy with the work Dean's builders are doing on his house, Ian agrees to fill in at Helen's shop when she goes away on holiday, and investing in an exciting range of new tops turns out to be a costly error.

"Um... Now. See anything you like from the drawer of dreams?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E5

READY STEADY KILL

Originally broadcast: 15 December 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Ian's finds himself being talked into going shooting with his father-in-law, Helen starts to feel down when she notices that she walks like a spinster, and Lisa asks to be photographed like the models in the the magazines.

"Ha! Coleslaw!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E6

THE PLEASURES OF VILLAGE LIFE

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1999
Directed by: John Henderson
Written by: Simon Nye

Lisa worries whether what happened to her father will end her marriage, Derek finds himself being forced into going out on a date with Helen, and Yardeley tries to use his traumatic experience to finally drive Ian away.

"Dad'll probably admire Ian now. He respects people with strong views. Remember how he loved Fred Flintstone by despised Barney cos he never took the initiative."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

IAN
LYONS

Played by Dylan Moran
12 episodes (1998-1999)
in... The Bad Builders (S2E4)

LISA
LYONS

Played by Charlotte Coleman
12 episodes (1998-1999)
in... Floppy, But Not Too Floppy (S1E2)

HELEN
YARDLEY

Played by Emma Chambers
11 episodes (1998-1999)
in... Floppy, But Not Too Floppy (S1E2)

ASTLEY
YARDLEY

Played by Frank Finlay
10 episodes (1998-1999)
in... White Pubic Hair (S2E1)

DEAN
YARDLEY

Played by Peter Serafinowicz
9 episodes (1998-1999)
in... The Pleasures of Village Life (S2E6)

JOHN

Played by Jasper Holmes
12 episodes (1998-1999)
in... The Hidden World of Country Fire Stations (S1E5)

DEREK
FEW

Played by Mark Heap
8 episodes (1998-1999)
in... No-One Can Hear You Scream (S1E1)

GAVIN

Played by Will Barton
12 episodes (1998-1999)
in... Ready Steady Kill (S2E5)

PHIL

Played by Gary Sefton
8 episodes (1998-1999)
in... The Bad Builders (S2E4)

PAM
YARDLEY

Played by Diana Fairfax
7 episodes (1998-1999)
in... No-One Can Hear You Scream (S1E1)

NORRISWOOD

Played by Clive Merrison
6 episodes (1998-1999)
in... I'm Not an Alcoholic (S2E2)

JILL

Played by Philippa Stanton
5 episodes (1998-1999)
in... Woof (S1E4)

WARREN
YARDLEY

Played by Simon Bateso
14 episodes (1998-1999)
in... The Hidden World of Country Fire Stations (S1E5)

GEOFF

Played by Martin Hyder
4 episodes (1998-1999)
in... I'm Not an Alcoholic (S2E2)

HONOR
DEACON

Played by Geraldine McNulty
3 episodes (1998-1999)
in... Floppy, But Not Too Floppy (S1E2)