British Comedy: Smack the Pony

Years: 1999-2003
Broadcaster: Channel 4
Genre: Sketch
Written by: Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan, Sally Phillips,
Victoria Pile, Robert Harley, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Gary Howe, Richard Preddy, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussman,
Stuart Kenworthy, David Quantick, Darren Boyd, Kevin Cecil,
Simon Dunn, Andy Riley, Mick James, Greg Lawrence,
Rob Adey, Sarah Alexander, Susie Donkin, Kevin Eldon,
Chris Hayward, James Henry, Steve Jeanes, Charlotte McDougall,
Richard Murkin, Tom Pullen, Ed Roe, Nat Saunders,
Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain, Natasha De Vries, Nick Whitby,
Carolyn Wintour, John Camm, James Cary, Bathsheba Doran,
Bill Dunn, Leila Hackett, Julian Simms, Russell Young,
Christian Azzola, Spencer Brown, Andrew Clifford, Michael Everett,
Melanie Finn, Jo Gardetta, Rich Johnston, Jana Lamacraft,
Caroline Leddy, Mark Love, Michael McLeod, Paul Powell,
Dean Procter, Jane Purcell, Tanya Tier, Sean Vaardal,
Richard Vranch, Mark Weston, Richard Ayoade, Mark Bastable,
Peter Baynham, Bob Childs, Stu Childs, Cavan Clerkin,
Jackie Clune, Nathan Cockerill, Andrew Cottier, Dave Cottrill,
Rhodri Crooks, Nick Dwyer, Caroline Elliott, Norman Ferguson,
Marie Findley, John Finnemore, Crispin Fisher, Johnny Fowler,
Matthew Fray, Lisa Fulthorpe, Linda Gibson, Mike Haskins,
Pippa Hinchley, Tessa Hudson, George Jeffrie, Roland Moore,
John Oliver, Kathy Oxtoby, George Poles, Ian D. Porley,
Rufus Rawley, Joanna Scanlan, Bert Tyler-Moore, Jo Unwin,
Ben Ward, Mark Weston, Emma Williams, Nick Wilton,
Mike Yeaman, Carol Younghusband
Stars: Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan
Episodes: 23
Episode Average: 6.043

BEST EPISODES:
Christmas Special (2002), Series 2, Episode 1 (2000)

BOLD = best sketches in episode

SERIES ONE

(1999)
7 episodes
Series Score: 39
Episode Average: 5.57
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 19 March 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, Simon Dunn, Nick Dwyer, Kevin Eldon,
Marie Findley, Emma Williams, Linda Gibson, Tessa Hudson,
Mark Love, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Preddy,
Gary Howe, Russell Young

SKETCHES:
The Swimmer --- Proposal --- Dogwalkers --- Cleansing
Poet's Leap --- Public Appeal --- Dating Agency Videos: Susie & Merin
Singing Match --- Window Cleaner --- Figure Skaters
Glass Chin --- Flash Fall: Torso --- Burping Dentist
Dating Agency Videos: Margaret & Patricia --- Bus in the River
People Who Look Irish --- Broken Camera --- Dating Agency Video: Alice
The Cornflowers: Dressage --- Lipstick Battle

"Is this it? Mmmmm! Or is this it? Ow... Ooow... Oh! Owooooh! Oh! Or is this it? Pft-pft-pft-pft-pft-pft-pft-pft-pft! Or... is this it? Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh! Just not too sure."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, Andrew Clifford, Steve Jeanes, Oriane Messina,
Fay Rusling, Russell Young

SKETCHES:
Photocopier --- Wow Wow Wow --- When Ramblers Collide
Feuding Surgeons --- Dancing Boyfriends --- Therapist Warning
Bride in a Supermarket --- Office Riverdance
Bride in a Swimming Pool --- The Vet: Hamster --- Cats!
Dancing Boyfriends 2 --- I Don't Give a Toss --- Reverse Parking
Dating Agency Videos: Tonya and Kimberley, Audrey & Mariella
The Maintenance Man --- Uncomfortable Doctor: Check-Up
Flash Fall: Horse --- Dating Agency Video: Tina
What Did the Doctor Say? --- Luminatrix: (Love Is a Big) Crash
Dancing Boyfriends 3

"Hi, Mum. Yeah, I went to the doctor. No, deaf. Completely deaf. Just, sort of, living in a world of aural silence. That means I'm deaf. Don't shout at me, it wasn't my fault!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, James Cary, Andrew Clifford, Jackie Clune,
Simon Dunn, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Vranch,
Nick Wilton, Russell Young

SKETCHES:
Mistaken Identity: Screaming --- Photocopier Problem
Pill Popping --- Don't Look at the Pictures
Biology Class --- Science Faculty Research
Let's Kiss Again --- Flash Fall: Torso 2
Wandworth: The Brighter Borough --- Not Gay --- Noisy Workmen
Dating Agency Videos: Babs, Apollina and Ben & Celia
Vote For My Plan --- Flash Fall: Cowboy Boots
Who's Stolen My... --- Compliments --- Flash Fall: Naked Passenger
Mistaken Identity: Jolly Good Fellow --- Kinkee: Colours
Kendo Training

"Oh, this is silly. Maybe I shouldn't be so embarrassed. I'm just... I'm just... You know, I'm very body-shy."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

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S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 9 April 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, Sarah Alexander, James Cary, Nathan Cockerill,
Steve Jeanes, Greg Lawrence, Mick James, Oriane Messina,
Fay Rusling, Richard Preddy, Gary Howe,
Julian Sims, Jane Lamacraft

SKETCHES:
On a Ledge --- Flash Fall: Wrestlers --- An Original 1970s Feature
Having a Wonderful Time --- Girlie Fighter 3 --- Annoying Voice
The Girls From Marketing --- Between Me and Her Survey
Hypnotist --- Girlie Driver --- Technical Support
Unappreciated Researcher --- Flash Fall: Naked Man
Catch Me: Beach --- Dating Agency Videos: Gemma, Cynthia & Erica
The Jury --- Dating Agency Videos: Tonya and Kimberley
Catch Me: Restaurant --- Maybe We Should Do Your Hair Like This
She-She: (Voulez Vous Bomper Ma) Poubelle --- Is This Your Boyfriend?

"Select your driver. You have selected Susan. Select your car. You have selected the yellow one."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, James Cary, Mike Haskins, James Henry, Lisa Fulthorpe,
Steve Jeanes, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Richard Preddy, Gary Howe

SKETCHES:
Do You Want a Drink? --- Flash Fall: Ice Skater --- Surgical Mistake
I've Been Shopping --- Lipstick --- Sleep Drumming
Stalker --- Nuns --- Athletics Cheat
Nebezpečný Kráva (Dangerous Cow) : Czechoslovakia 1999
The Matador and the Bull: Running Away
Flash Fall: Naked Lift --- Depressed Bus Driver --- Musical Mortician
The Matador and the Bull: A New Life --- Fire Alarm
Dating Agency Videos: Emma & Della
The Matador and the Bull: The End --- Go On, Guess
Dating Agency Videos: Caroline & Rafaela
Karizzma: Round 'n' Around 'n' Round --- New Office Girl

"You didn't even finish, you just hovered above the blocks for 22 minutes 18."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 23 April 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, Sarah Alexander, Darren Boyd, Kevin Eldon,
James Henry, Mark Love, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
George Poles, Richard Preddy, Gary Howe, Rufus Rawley

SKETCHES:
Busker --- Irish Pub --- Joggers Talking Relationships
King Kong --- Nurses --- 3 Women in a Tub: Kitten --- I Am Actually
Milk the Cows --- Could You Spare a Moment: Quacking Columns
I'm Easy --- Could You Spare a Moment: Face
Dating Agency Videos: Belinda, Elaine & Roz
Suicidal Ice Cream Girl --- 3 Women in a Tub: Sparrow
Back Bottom --- Medical Speak --- My Family All Dies in Crash
3 Women in a Tub: Wee --- Heavenly Wind: One Heart
Can I Kiss You?

"BIG RED TRACTOR!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 30 April 1999
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Georgia Pritchett, Jane Bussmann, David Quantick,
Robert Harley, Simon Dunn, Kevin Eldon, Matthew Fray,
Greg Lawrence, Mick James, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Richard Preddy, Gary Howe, Joanna Scanlan,
Julian Sims, Jo Unwin

SKETCHES:
Go For It --- Flash Fall: Muscle Men --- Toilet Duck
Before & After --- Self-Help Books --- Post Match Interview
Windy Pops --- Hostages: Jonathan --- Lovely
This is Not An Ad --- Face Painted Coppers --- Flash Fall: Astronaut
Hostages: Mark --- Dating Agency Videos: Clare & Eric
Flute, Bass & Ballet --- Dating Agency Videos: Tara & Marcie
Hostages: Andrew & Rufus --- Perfume Demonstrator --- Fatty Cows
Flash Fall: Rambler --- Napkin: Big Roof --- Hostages: Paula

"We thought it would soften the blow, brighten things up a bit, ya know."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(2000)
7 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 6.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 14 April 2000
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Victoria Pile,
Tristram Shapeero, Roberto Bangura
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Robert Harley, Victoria Pile, Sarah Alexander, Darren Boyd,
John Camm, Rhodri Crooks, Steve Jeanes, Charlotte McDougall,
Susie Donkin, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Murkin,
Rob Adey, Tom Pullen, Paul Powell, Nick Whitby

SKETCHES:
Applying Makeup in a Taxi --- Survey: Dog Owner
Bikini Line --- Relay Race --- Underwear Sales Assistant
Competitive Rivals: Water Bottles
Dating Agency Videos: Emma & Natasha
Uncomfortable Doctor: Six Week Check-Up --- I Can't Hold It Any Longer
Art Gallery: Hands On --- Survey: Pregnant Woman
Inconsiderate Flatmate --- Babysitter --- Smart-Snatch
How Was That For You? --- Dating Agenc Videos: Janie, Helen & Lauren
Wedding Shop --- Blown --- Art Gallery: Going Home

"Are you saying I've got small breasts?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 21 April 2000
Directed by: Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero, Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley, Natasha De Vries,
Carolyn Wintour, Robert Harley, Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders,
Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Murkin, Rob Adey,
Tom Pullen, John Oliver, Richard Ayoade,
Ben Ward, Nick Whitby

SKETCHES:
Frothy Coffee --- Long-Haired Jogger
Hospital Corridor: Galloping --- Sex Shop Wedding List
She's Gorgeous --- Hospital Corridor: Limping --- Placebo
Dating Agency Videos: Georgina & Kirsty --- Rubbish Everything
Accent Problems --- Jumping the Queue at the Bar
Hospital Corridor: Dancing --- Dating Agency Videos: Patricia & Lesley
Spinster Rona --- Hospital Corridor: Barging
Dating Agency Video: Eva and Beth --- Cake --- Cold Inside
Hospital Corridor: Running About

"I'm a beauuuuutiful laaadyyyy, with long golden hair and huge breasts."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 28 April 2000
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Sarah Alexander, Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley,
Natasha De Vries, Carolyn Wintour, Bill Dunn, Mark Bastable,
Simon Dunn, Caroline Elliott, Robert Harley, Chris Hayward,
Nat Saunders, Steve Jeanes, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Richard Murkin, Rob Adey, Tom Pullen, Richard Preddy,
Gary Howe, Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie

SKETCHES:
Housewarming --- The Ex: At Work --- Relationship Plans
Mothers' Race --- The Vet: Kitten --- Catch
Dating Agency Videos: Kate & Miss Sneddon --- The Ex: Theatre
Follow Me --- New Toy --- Hot Stones --- Smell --- The Vet: Tortoise
The Ex: Night Out --- Happy Birthday --- Showing Off the Baby
Dating Agency Videos: Von Haagen Family, Jude & Polly
The Ex: Wedding --- Mucho Latino (Mi Pico Chorizo)
Do You Want Anything From the Shop?

"If you could just slip her trousers off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 5 May 2000
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke, Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Darren Boyd, Spencer Brown, John Camm,
Robert Harley, Pippa Hinchley, Caroline Leddy, Charlotte McDougall,
Susie Donkin, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Preddy,
Gary Howe, Julian Sims, Jane Lamacraft, Nick Whitby

SKETCHES:
Don't Touch My Hair --- I Do Fancy My Cousin --- Marriage Register
The Leaf --- Stinky Scientist --- Dating Agency Videos: Karen & Ceri
The Zookeepers --- Carjacker --- Can You Just Take This...
Naughty Brain Scan --- Water Performance
Dating Agency Videos: Hilary, Louise & Alison --- Swapping Numbers
Dikwando Girls --- Fishing

"I'm just gonna pop for a quick poo."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 12 May 2000
Directed by: Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero, Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Sarah Alexander, Darren Boyd, Simon Dunn,
Robert Harley, Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders, Michael McLeod,
Greg Lawrence, Mick James, Roland Moore,
Tanya Tier, Nick Whitby

SKETCHES:
The Ring --- Businesswomen: The Marketplace --- The Photoshop
Do You Want to Stay? --- Dating Agency Videos: Pamela & Helen
Concentration Face --- Lying --- Businesswomen: Integrated Market
Shot --- Legal Advice --- Shoe Shop --- Speak Up a Bit
Goody Morning --- Dating Agency Videos: Bernadette & Bunty
Bathroom Man --- I Know a Nice Place

"One usually equates women with bosoms, but a man with a bosom in his name is a rare jewel. Not, not in a Papua New Guinea sense, I wouldn't want real bosoms or I'd be a lesbertarian."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 19 May 2000
Directed by: Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero, Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Sam Bain, Jesse Armstrong, Darren Boyd,
Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley, Bathsheba Doran, Leila Hackett,
Caroline Leddy, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Richard Murkin,
Rob Adey, Tom Pullen, Richard Preddy, Gary Howe,
Georgia Pritchett, Tanya Tier

SKETCHES:
Soaked --- Fishing For Compliments --- Pregnancy Glow
Biscuit --- Large Breasts --- Reduced Skirt --- Plants
Messy Drinker --- Gymnastics Demonstration --- Opera
Cinema Popcorn --- Yonks Opticians --- I Couldn't Eat That
Dating Agency Videos: Tiffany & Wendy --- If You Ever Stop Loving Me
I Just Can't Find My Friend --- Backcomb Battle

"Excuse me. Can I try this skirt on please."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

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S2E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 26 May 2000
Directed by: Victoria Pile, Tristram Shapeero,
Roberto Bangura, Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Victoria Pile, Darren Boyd, Spencer Brown, Jane Bussmann,
David Quantick, Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley, Bathsheba Doran,
Leila Hackett, Simon Dunn, Robert Harley, Chris Hayward,
Nat Saunders, James Henry, Charlotte McDougall, Susie Donkin,
Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling, Georgia Pritchett

SKETCHES:
Congratulations --- Confused Postie --- Plans For the Weekend
Archaeologist --- Cousins --- Have You Got a Smaller Size?
Dating Agency Videos: Lorna & Sonya --- Tell Me What You Like
Signature --- Yoga Class --- Stewardesses --- Flamenco Dancers
Your Pace --- Calming Aura --- Dating Agency Videos: Michael & Goodie
I'm Really (Interesting) --- DJ

"Ooooo, BIG PANTS!!!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES THREE

(2002)
7 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 11 January 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Mick James, Greg Lawrence, Fay Rusling,
Oriane Messina, Simon Dunn, Melanie Finn,
Christian Azzola, John Camm, Kathy Oxtoby,
Sam Bain, Jesse Armstrong, Ed Roe,
Rob Adey, Richard Murkin, Tom Pullen,
Jo Gardetta, Carol Younghusband, Stuart Kenworthy,
Paul Powell, Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley,
Andrew Cottier, Richard Preddy, Gary Howe

SKETCHES:
Pool Hair --- Full Body Wax --- Squeaky Head Chef
Competitive Rivals: Photos & Teddies --- The Affair
High Heeled Surfer --- Dating Agency Videos: Former Punk & Jobless
It's Turned Orange --- Bedtime Cuddles --- Keyboard Destruct
The Red Carpet --- The Wrong Signals --- Willpower --- Parking Dilemma
Surprise Reaction --- Speed Gun Coppers --- Very Close
Dating Agency Videos: Patricia, Bond & Premature
Hard To Get --- Gettin' Doggy Wit' It --- A Little Dance

"Have you wee'd on this?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 18 January 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain, Richard Vranch,
Johnny Fowler, Dave Cottrill, Richard Preddy,
Gary Howe, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Darren Boyd, Stuart Kenworthy

SKETCHES:
Bourbon Biscuit --- Beach Babe --- Confusing Sex Chat
Condolence Card --- Man On Fire --- Specs
Dating Agency Videos: Injuries & Clio
A Perfectly Natural Question --- Pink Vs. Blue --- New Massage Oil
Slogan Shirts --- The Doctor's Skeleton
Don't Patronise Me --- Space --- Holistic Dentistry
Dating Agency Videos: Patricia & Late 90s Literature
You Don't Wanna Know Me --- Demanding Husband

"You naughty, naughty monkey-boy, I couldn't possibly..."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 25 January 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Richard Preddy, Gary Howe, Stuart Kenworthy,
Natasha De Vries, Carolyn Wintour, Peter Baynham,
Rich Johnston, Crispin Fisher, Kevin Cecil,
Andy Riley, Mick James, Greg Lawrence,
Michael McLeod, Norman Ferguson, Stu Childs,
Bob Childs, Mike Yeaman, James Henry

SKETCHES:
Private Joke --- Pole Dancer --- Indecisive Vet --- Fill Her Up
People Who Don't Swear --- Dessert Face
Dating Agency Videos: Relaxed, Carlos & Harry --- Pilates
A Dress From the Boyfriend --- Special Diet
Romance By the Sea --- A Musical Interruption --- Mrs. Harrison
The Student Lover --- Frisky Blind Date
Dating Agency Videos: Panda, Annie, Panda & Recently Separated
Just Let Rip --- I'm Walkin' (Got the Wrong Shoes) --- Table Drumming

"Would you like a little dessert?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 1 February 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Bathsheba Doran, Leila Hackett, Kevin Cecil,
Andy Riley, Ian D. Porley, John Finnemore,
Ed Roe, Mick James, Greg Lawrence,
Charlotte McDougall, Susie Donkin, Stuart Kenworthy,
Jo Gardetta, Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain

SKETCHES:
An 'I Love You' Problem --- Coffee Shop --- His Pants
Getting Ahead in the Pool --- Proposal Demands --- Recording Studio: Tits
Dating Agency Video: Penny, Netball Team & Just Look
I Want to Go Back --- Women Who Cook Too Much --- Ballerina in the Wild
That's My Wine --- Affording More Booze --- Writing In the Sand
Dating Agency Videos: Indifference, Making Art & Elizabeth Hurley
Recording Studio: Fire --- Over-Competitive Card Player
I Want to Make His White Coat Dirty --- Gay Night

"I'm wearing his pants!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 8 February 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders, David Quantick,
Dean Proctor, Mark Weston, Ed Roe,
Jane Purcell, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Richard Preddy, Gary Howe, Stuart Kenworthy

SKETCHES:
If You Blink, I Can't Get It In --- Parachute Training
Broken Balloon --- Sexual Check-Up --- In the Spotlight
Dating Agency Videos: Likes & Briony --- The Wrong Gift
Call Centre Snack --- Fluid On the Knee --- The Falconer: Alice
Cheerleaders I --- The Falconer: Lamb Chop --- Cheerleaders II
The Falconer: Bells & Whistles --- Cheerleaders III
Poo Land --- The Waitress and the Wee
Dating Agency Videos: Very Experiences & As High as an Ocean
Face Like a Pig --- The Lampdancers --- The Sound of Seagulls

"War saw? War saw? War saw in Poo Land!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 15 February 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen,
Robert Harley, Victoria Pile, Charlotte McDougall,
Susie Donkin, Ed Roe, Rich Johnston,
Bill Dunn, Sean Vaardal, Jane Bussmann,
Dean Proctor, Mark Weston, Stuart Kenworthy,
Jane Purcell, Michael Everett

SKETCHES:
Cross Channel Swimmer --- The Same Dress
Foreign Customer --- Saying Goodbye
Dating Agency Videos: Hula, Bear Wrestler & Apple Sticker
Taxing Talk --- Art Gallery Boredom --- Rumours of an Affair
Need Sugar --- Parents' Evening --- Waterbed Fumble
Is This Feminine? --- He Lives In Your House
Dating Agency Videos: Like Katie & £10,000
Jennifer Diddy & Puffy Lopez
The 8 Directions of the Body Without the Use of Arms
Angelic Juggler

"Yeehaaaw, I'm Johnny Harris, suck my noodle!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 22 February 2002
Directed by: Steve Connolly
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Natasha De Vries, Carolyn Wintour, Stuart Kenworthy,
Bill Dunn, Sean Vaardal, Michael Everett,
Kevin Eldon, Oriane Messina, Fay Rusling,
Richard Preddy, Gary Howe, Ed Roe, James Henry

SKETCHES:
Leg Waxing --- Failing to Fire --- Scooter Trip
Horse Ride --- The Most Important Question
Dating Agency Videos: Hayley, Arse & Gail
A Waiting Game --- Frisky Shoplifter --- Surprise!
Spanish Passenger Complaint --- Ideal Girlfriend
Skonk --- Dating Agency Videos: Demonstration & Very Fertile
Bomb Disposal --- I Love You --- Cluttered Cabinet

"I'm not! I'm not doing anything. I'm just... I might have slipped something down... I might have stolen something. I need to be searched."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(2002)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 26 December 2002
Directed by: Victoria Pile
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Christian Azzola, Melanie Finn, Stuart Kenworthy,
Oriane Messina, Georgia Pritchett, Fay Rusling

SKETCHES:
Magic Pants --- Goal Celebration --- Bloody Phone
Competitive Rivals: Thongs --- Wendy Extensions
Dating Agency Videos: Still To Do, One Man & Honey Puffs
The Shaolin Monks: Tai-Chi --- Prostitute --- Booking an 18-30
Tagged --- Suit Teddies --- The Shaolin Monks: Distraction
I've Got a Big Car --- Dating Agency Videos: Lying & Musical Box
Car Curling --- Red Satin Knickers --- Patterned Tights
Dating Agency Videos: Lord of the Apes, Cat's Arse & Swinging
The Shaolin Monks: Cake Chop --- Touchy Feely
Missy Donkey --- Wanna Dance?

"Er, no, I was just wondering if you were gonna wear a polo neck"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIAL

(2003)

SPECIAL

NEW YEAR SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 3 January 2003
Directed by: Victoria Pile
Written by: Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan,
Fiona Allen, Robert Harley, Victoria Pile,
Cavan Clerkin, Kevin Eldon, Stuart Kenworthy,
Oriane Messina, Georgia Pritchett, Fay Rusling

SKETCHES:
Toast --- Ladies Rowing Team --- English As a Foreign Language
The Gypsy Look --- All Wet: Bookshop --- Ballerinas I
Dating Agency Videos: Awful Stuff, Romance, Luck --- Dumped Tantrum
Ballerinas II --- All Wet: Clothes Shop --- Depressing Music
Ribbon Dancers I --- Jealous Cox --- Dog Owners
Dating Agency Videos: Ex-Boyfriend, Me Babies & Seen It
Kites --- Colonic Irrigation --- Ribbon Dancers II
Size 8 Feet --- The Traffic Warden & the Postie
Dating Agency Videos: Street, Metamorphism & Badges
Saying Goodnight --- All Wet: Dancefloor

"Excuse me. Would you mind just holding this against my wendy."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

APPEARED IN 23 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Popping Pills (S1E3 - 1998)
02. Toilet Duck (S1E7 - 1998)
03. Spinster Rona (S2E2 - 2000)
04. Bathroom Man (S2E5 - 2000)
05. Demanding Husband (S3E2 - 2002)
06. I Want to Make His White Coat Dirty (S3E4 - 2002)
07. Missy Donkey (Christmas Special - 2002)
08. Kites (New Year Special - 2003)

APPEARED IN 23 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. The Swimmer (S1E1 - 1998)
02. Kinkee: Colours (S1E3 - 1998)
03. Dikwando Girls (S2E4 - 2000)
04. Opera (S2E6 - 2000)
05. Foreign Customer (S3E6 - 2002)
06. Failing to Fire (S3E7 - 2002)
07. Booking an 18-30 (Christmas Special - 2002)
08. Jealous Cox (New Year Special - 2003)

APPEARED IN 23 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Luminatrix: (Love Is a Big) Crash (S1E2 - 1998)
02. Face Painted Coppers (S1E7 - 1998)
03. Dating Agency Videos: Karen & Ceri (S2E4 - 2000)
04. Your Pace (S2E7 - 2000)
05. Special Diet (S3E3 - 2002)
06. The Falconer: Alice (S3E5 - 2002)
07. Competitive Rivals: Thongs (Christmas Special - 2002)
08. English As a Forieign Language (New Year Special - 2003)

APPEARED IN 23 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Wow Wow Wow (S1E2 - 1998)
02. Compliments (S1E3 - 1998)
03. Von Haagen Family, Jude & Polly (S2E3 - 2000)
04. Yonk Opticians (S2E6 - 2000)
05. Dating Agency Videos: Like Katie & £10,000 (S3E6 - 2002)
06. Ideal Girlfriend (S3E7 - 2002)
07. Bloody Phone (Christmas Special - 2002)
08. Dating Agency Videos: Awful Stuff, Romance, Luck (New Year Special - 2003)

APPEARED IN 21 EPISODES

A FEW OF HIS CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. An Original 1970s Feature (S1E4 - 1998)
02. New Toy (S2E3 - 2000)
03. Specs (S3E3 - 2002)
04. Prostitute (Christmas Special - 2002)

APPEARED IN 18 EPISODES

A FEW OF HIS CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. Heavenly Wind: One Heart (S1E6 - 1998)
02. Sex Shop Wedding List (S2E2 - 2000)
03. Women Who Cook Too Much (S3E4 - 2002)
04. Tagged (Christmas Special - 2002)