British Comedy: Hardware

Years: 2003-2004
Broadcaster: ITV (Thames)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Simon Nye
Stars: Martin Freeman, Peter Serafinowicz
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 6.417

BEST EPISODES:
Finger (2003), Nice (2003)

SERIES ONE

(2003)
6 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

NICE

Originally broadcast: 23 March 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Kenny tries to point Steve in the right direction when it comes to women, Mike learns that a customer has tried to throw himself under a bus, and Anne protests about suddenly having a kind and considerate boyfriend.

"I;ll tell you the best way to commit suicide... Russian Roulette... that way you make an enjoyable game out of it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

NAKED

Originally broadcast: 30 March 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Rex suggests that the appearance of the staff is driving away customers, Mike struggles to cope when Anne's flirtatious mum comes to stay, and Kenny gets a bit carried away with alterations to his fancy new uniform.

"No, no, no. They should take the red squirrels that are left, then train them up. Then they could take on the grey squirrels and give them a damn good thumping."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

BONDAGE

Originally broadcast: 6 April 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Mike and Anne talk about ways to put some spice back into their sex life, Rex suddenly realises that a customer might be building a shotgun, and the science behind ropes and pulleys turns out to be anything but erotic.

"It's just as well I didn't suggest talking dirty, you'd have probably come home with an industrial muck spreader."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

FINGER

Originally broadcast: 13 April 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Anne decides to build an ironing board by herself to avoid prostitution, the shop goes into panic when Steve manages to cut off his finger, and Kenny worries about losing a part of himself after gorging on ice-cream.

"I like the one where the woman lies down and the man drives to the golf course."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

WOMEN

Originally broadcast: 20 April 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Kenny tries to come up with the perfect way to sabotage the superstore, Julie and Anne suggest looking for ways to attract female customers, and Mike worries that accepting a job offer would be betraying small traders.

"And, er, four candles please, mate."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

HUTCH

Originally broadcast: 27 April 2003
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Kenny insists on building something to donate to the local foster home, Rex reveals that his wife's left him when he turns up at work drunk, and
Mike and Anne try to find the right way to get rid of an unwanted guest.

"You'd think he'd notice his pockets are sticking out like backup bollocks."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(2004)
6 episodes
Series Score: 33
Episode Average: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

BASTARD

Originally broadcast: 7 March 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Rex wonders how Kenny can possibly be the father of a redheaded child, the café starts serving wine when they're granted an alcohol licence, and Mike shows very little enthusiasm when Anne suggests starting a family.

"Technically it's a pet shop, ya know. Like a zoo, innit, bit cheaper."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

BIG FOOT

Originally broadcast: 14 March 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Kenny and Steve manage to convince Rex that he has started to shrink, Mike fills in for Julie at the café when she goes on holiday to Turkey, and Anne's far from impressed about a series of totally unnecessary changes.

"Erm, I'll have my usual please... and so will the Pinball Wizard."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

NUDE

Originally broadcast: 21 March 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Mike and Steve try to prove that life in a hardware shop isn't predictable, Rex reveals that financial issues mean that he to make Kenny redundant, and Anne's shocked when an artist offers her a grand to get her kit off.

"Put him down, Kenneth. Never chisel a customer."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

LOSER

Originally broadcast: 28 March 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Mike takes pity on a friendless demonstrator and his bizarre multi tool, Anne tries to mediate when Rex and Julie enter into a war of words, and Steve insists that he has moved up the Hamway's Hardware hierarchy.

"Kenny is a victor because he seizes life by the neck and then... shakes it until it drops the ball... the ball of... victory out of the... mouth of the... dog of... being."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

TONY TWO-WAYS

Originally broadcast: 4 April 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

Steve's sexuality comes into question when his gay friend visits the shop, Mike tries to escape from repetition by writing a newspaper column, and Kenny can't resist putting silly messages on a new scrolling sign display.

"No, no, no we do not do the same thing over and over again. If I've told you that once, I've told you a hundred times."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

CELEBRITY

Originally broadcast: 11 April 2004
Directed by: Ben Kellet
Written by: Simon Nye

A famous face gets the celebrity treatment when he walks into the shop,
Julie decorates the café with a number of fake signed photographs, and the customers treat Mike differently when he starts using a wheelchair.

"You know what you need? A wheelchair.... Yeah, I've got one you can have. I found it in the street. Lovely little runner. Nobody in it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

MIKE

Played by Martin Freeman
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Nude (S2E3)

KENNY

Played by Peter Serafinowicz
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Loser (S2E4)

REX

Played by Ken Morley
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Naked (S1E2)

ANNE

Played by Susan Earl
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Big Foot (S2E2)

STEVE

Played by Ryan Cartwright
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Hutch (S1E6)

JULIE

Played by Ella Kenion
12 episodes (2003-2004)
in... Bondage (S1E3)