British Comedy: The Larkins

Years: 1958-1964
Broadcaster: ITV (ATV)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Fred Robinson
Stars: David Kossoff, Peggy Mount
Episodes: 40
Episode Average: 6.450*

BEST EPISODES:
All the Answers (1960), Christmas with the Larkins (1958)

*including special

SERIES ONE

(1958)
6 episodes
Series Score: 43
Episode Average: 7.17*
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S1E1

WIDE OPEN HOUSE

Originally broadcast: 19 September 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada throws a party when her son comes home from his National Service, Alf wonders where the money is supposed to come from to pay for it all, and Eddie's attempt to show his appreciation goes completely unnoticed.

"You've left the goldfish then? I suppose you couldn't get Esther Williams."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

GUN-IN-LAW

Originally broadcast: 26 September 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf announces that he's practically secured Eddie the job that he wanted,
Ada's informed that the prospective employers are coming for tea, and Jeff's forced to entertain a group of cowboy comic competition winners.

"Oh, Alf, do give over for heaven's sake, if you shed tears, they'd have froth on 'em."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

CATASTROPHE

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada does a friend a favour by agreeing to looking after her pedigree cat, the men of the house soon notice that he gets better food than they do, and Alf comes up with a way to get the furry interloper out of their lives.

"You mean you are knitting tiny garment for that four-legged teddy boy?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

ANGRY YOUNG MAN

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Jeff's questioned when his typewriter is found among jumble sale items, Alf announces that a publisher is calling by to look at a manuscript, and the Larkins discover their Bohemian side in an attempt to secure a deal.

"Oh, don't be so stupid. You met Burlington Thrush last night and you was clean shaven. What's he gonna think this is? A five o'clock shadow?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

TELLY-HO!

Originally broadcast: 17 October 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's not impressed about having to make do with a magic lantern show, Alf gets an earbashing for sending a new television set back to the shop, and watching boxing at the Prouts' leads to a complete change of sides.

"Well, in thirty years of married life I've only ever had the two choices of breakfast... take it or leave it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

ALE AND FAREWELL

Originally broadcast: 24 October 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf announces that he's just been made Potholder to the Chief Imbiber, Ada insists that she wants a summer holiday despite it being November, and Joyce worries about a plan to render her father drunk and incapable.

"You had to be inaugurated to hold a pot of beer? I suppose if somebody wants a packet of crisps, they'd have to have a general election."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1958)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS WITH THE LARKINS

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1958
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada invites the most miserable man to spend Christmas with the family, Alf comes home with a frozen turkey after racing back to the butchers, and Eddie comes up with a plan to save chopping the tree down to size.

"'Ere... Just a... 'Ere, we've got a squatter!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES TWO

(1959)
6 episodes
Series Score: 43
Episode Average: 7.17
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

STRICTLY COMMERCIAL

Originally broadcast: 2 February 1959
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's told that she's the ideal housewife for a soap powder commercial, Alf puts his reservations aside when he's given a chance of his own, and Myrtle joins the family when Joyce refuses to have anything to do with it.

"Yes, but we're advertising soap not sardines."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

TEDDY FOR EDDIE

Originally broadcast: 9 February 1959
Directed by: Antony Kearey
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf discovers that Eddie's been hanging out with a bunch of Teddy Boys, Myrtle's upset when she finds that she has a rival for his affections, and Jeff's pushed to breaking point as he desperately tries to finish his story.

"Oh, well, no, you know how it is, I don't have a minute to myself these days. I'm in with a pretty racy gang you know. Drinking, drinking the whole time. Do you know the other evening, Myrt, I drank 43 cups of espresso coffee."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

HAUL FOR ONE

Originally broadcast: 16 February 1959
Directed by: Antony Kearey
Written by: Fred Robinson

The Larkins take a line each after disagreeing about the Football Pools, an eighth draw leaves them wondering how they'll spend the winnings, and Alf refuses to stick to his agreement to share the money five ways.

"Ah, there she is, Queen of the Underworld."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

GIFT HORSEPOWER

Originally broadcast: 23 February 1959
Directed by: Antony Kearey
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada makes it clear that she expects a washing machine for her birthday, Alf worries about what will happen when the free trial comes to an end, and Eddie has to get rid of an old wreck of a car before the police arrive.

"Oh, he's all right. Eddie, hold his head and loosen his wallet."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

TOTAL WELFARE

Originally broadcast: 2 March 1959
Directed by: Antony Kearey
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada clashes with Hetty's stepmother when she comes to look after Sam and Myrtle, Eddie plays with the idea that the woman might be a witch, and Alf comes up with a plan to send her back to where she came from.

"I bet she's a witch... No, it's... they still exist, it says so in my book. They live in ovens."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

VERY IMPORTANT PARENT

Originally broadcast: 9 March 1959
Directed by: Bill Ward
Written by: Fred Robinson

Jeff prepares for his father's arrival by demonstrating the joy of baseball, Ada sets out to prove that the Larkins are not a family of savages, and a problem with transport means that Buttercup has to come to the rescue.

"Hello, is that the car hire service? Mrs. Larkins here. I want to hire the biggest car you've got in the place. Yes, that's right. Yes, a saloon. A car, not a bar, get on with your sweeping!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES THREE

(1960)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's:

S3E1

HOME WIN

Originally broadcast: 8 February 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada confronts the rent collector about a number of long-ignored repairs, Alf suggests calling in the sanitary inspector to have a notice issued, and the landlord decides to give his two most troublesome properties away.

"I don't know if mum's in, I'll go and ask 'er"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

ALL THE ANSWERS

Originally broadcast: 15 February 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's not happy when the television has to go back to the repair shop, Eddie's pretty night school teacher asks if she can meet his family, and Alf's utterly horrified when a new encyclopaedia arrives in 36 volumes.

"Nothing sacred anymore. Look at this, books in the telly room."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

A FIDDLE IN FROTH

Originally broadcast: 22 February 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's not happy about her son being led astray by the boozy F.L.U.I.D.S., Eddie manages to let slip about a raffle prize and plans for a beano, and Alf decides to stage a robbery to get his crates of beer out of the house.

"Me... the Mug of the Year."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

COME CLEANER

Originally broadcast: 29 February 1960
Directed by: alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada insists that it's time to replace the old broken-down vacuum cleaner, the truth has to be hidden after a visit from a very persuasive salesman, and Alf can't believe his luck when he picks up a bargain at a jumble sale.

"I shall get a free demonstration, and even you can afford that."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

STRANGER THAN FRICTION

Originally broadcast: 7 March 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada forced to do some soul-searching after being accused of interfering, Alf discovers that he's not the only one who cleared off for the evening, and the family can't help fearing the blast from the inevitable eruption.

"No, this is a new way of serving it. We bore hole in the floor and sit with our legs through."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

OPERATION NEIGHBOUR

Originally broadcast: 14 March 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's furious when Hetty has the cheek to insult her in her own kitchen, Alf calls a two family meeting in the hope of ending the hostilities, and a plan to fake a friendly dedication on the wireless backfires spectacularly.

"Shifty! That's what she is. You've only got to look at her face, her eyes are too close to her head!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FOUR

(1960)
6 episodes
Series Score: 34
Episode Average: 5.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

UNLUCKY STRIKE

Originally broadcast: 10 September 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf demands a bonus after making some changes at the factory canteen, Joyce upsets the whole family when she takes a job as a secretary, and Ada provides a better service when the firm is hit by a one-man walk out.

"Settle down? He's practically retired! In and out of work so often his insurance card looks like a draughts board. Still, I suppose he can't help taking after his father."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

LITTLE BIG BROTHER

Originally broadcast: 17 September 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Hetty asks to borrow more than usual when her brother comes to visit, the men of the house struggle to finish a repair on the parlour floor, and Ada and Joyce are impressed when a DIY expert helps to get things done.

"That's different, he suits a pipe. Oh, put it out for heaven's sake, ou look like an Indian peace conference!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

GAMBLING FEVER

Originally broadcast: 24 September 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

A committee member objects to allowing gambling at the church bazaar, Jeff thinks his luck has turned when his father sends him a poker set, and Ada gets carried away after dealing with a pair of professional gamblers.

"It's not me, it's 'er and 'er objection. Miss Finch? Old Fanny Fusspot, that's what I call 'er."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

FRIGHTFUL NIGHTFUL

Originally broadcast: 1 October 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf's not impressed when an Alfred Hotchkick film leaves him confused, Eddie finds a spy hiding in the shed when he goes out to fetch wood, and a talk of a mysterious 'Gregory' leaves the whole family filled with dread.

"And don't you two just stand there, you look like a pair of bookends."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

MATCH OR SCRATCH

Originally broadcast: 8 October 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Hetty's amused when Fanny Fusspot announces that she's fallen in love, Ada plays matchmaker to make sure that the vicar bothers to notice, and Alf resorts to sabotage to stop him being saddled with the awful woman.

"Well, look, they're both welfare workers ain't they? I mean, when you're ill, it's them who come round and sits on yer feet and eat yer grapes."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

WELL TURNED WORM

Originally broadcast: 15 October 1960
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Hetty suggests that it's time for Eddie to realise how Myrtle really feels, Alf's upset when a newspaper quiz confirms that he is henpecked, and the family struggle to adjust when a new leaf brings a total power shift.

"Well, can you blame her? She's been carrying the torch for so long her battery's worn down."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

SERIES FIVE

(1963)
8 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

CAFÉ OLÉ

Originally broadcast: 9 November 1963
Directed by: Alan Tarrant
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf tells an old friend how he's running a café now as the kids have gone, Ada argues that the spare rooms should be rented out to paying guests, and the lodger suggests opening in the evenings as a Spanish restaurant.

"Well, hat's a sort of soup. There's giblets and leftovers and stuff like that. There's eggs. There's a couple of beef cubes. There's handful of garlic. It smells diabolical!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

TEENAGE TERROR

Originally broadcast: 16 November 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

The Major's told that he'll be kicked out unless he pays the rent he owes,
Ada insists on providing a home for Alf's teenage tearaway nephew, and Hetty offers her notice as soon as the boy walks through the back door.

"I wouldn't bother mate. If she wants to come through that door, that won't stop 'er."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

DARTS AND FLOWERS

Originally broadcast: 23 November 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf makes arrangements for a friendly darts match against the Blue Boar, Ada explains why it's more fun when a wedding anniversary is forgotten, and a little touch of romance fails to solve the problem of a fixture clash.

"Oh, that Vic. That big-headed, loud-mouthed, lying, twisting... He's a nice fella though."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

HELP UNWANTED

Originally broadcast: 30 November 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's livid when she finds Alf talking to a trollop from the biscuit factory, complaints come in thick and fast about the nuisance of a cleaning lady, and Georgie's attempt at a booby-trap makes the situation much worse.

"Mr. G? Your transport."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

BEATLE DRIVE

Originally broadcast: 7 December 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Hetty tries to resign again when she falls victim to an anti-burglar device, Georgie's told to put a stop to his dangerous scientific experiments, and Lofty's little sister manages to pull four boffins away from their studies.

"Oh, I say, in't he lovely? Where you off to then? Wimbledon?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

TRADING STAMPEDE

Originally broadcast: 14 December 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada insists on buying everything retail so she can get a free steam iron, Alf's shocked when a man who owes him £50 asks for bed & board, and a business opportunity sees the café offering trading stamps to customers.

"Yes, crème de menthe would be nice, wouldn't it? Or the lick with a hint of liquorice."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

STRAINED RELATION

Originally broadcast: 21 December 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

The Larkins receive news that Jeff is flying in from America for Christmas, Alf's upset when an ulcer gets in the way of plans for heavy drinking, and a doctor suggests that a number of ailments are all in the patient's mind.

"Jeff, look, you can't go to bed on an empty ulcer."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

SALOON BARRED

Originally broadcast: 28 December 1963
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada tells Hetty that she's fed up with the lack of help and consideration, Alf's horrified when an invite to his sanctuary is unexpectedly accepted, and Fred has words when some of his best customers start walking out.

"The Three Musketeers? The three must get beers!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES SIX

(1964)
7 episodes
Series Score: 33
Episode Average: 4.71
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

THINK QUICKER, VICAR

Originally broadcast: 11 July 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf gets an earbashing after he pays Mrs. Gannett for her empty bottles, Lofty explains that the vicar's touchy because his wife has left him, and Ada takes a team of odd jobbers to keep an eye on his new housekeeper.

"He'll more upset when he gets 'ome, that pork pie was a doughnut."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

CELEBRATION BLUES

Originally broadcast: 18 July 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Alf makes arrangements for a secret booze-up to celebrate his birthday, Ada ends up in bed when a bucket leaves her with a sprained ankle, and Hetty uses an overheard conversation to get some help in the kitchen.

"You'll get a bunch in a minute! That's typical of you, is it? Get yourself in hot water and test it out with somebody else's elbow."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

GYPSY'S WARNING

Originally broadcast: 25 July 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada's furious when she's not allowed a fair share of a £50 win on a horse, a gypsy woman promises good luck to all who buy her lucky heather, and Alf's quick to laugh it off when his rudeness results in him being cursed.

"You, Ada? Oh, no, love. I mean, for you, anything... slice o' cake, cream doughnut."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

MINDERS KEEPERS

Originally broadcast: 1 August 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada gives the Major an ultimatum after his cousin writes directly to her, a day searching for a job leads to nothing but an idea for a new business, and Alf's not too happy when he finds his home filled with ticking clocks.

"Shut up, you wooden pullet!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

COUNTER ATTRACTION

Originally broadcast: 8 August 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada wonders what's going on after a week with virtually no customers, Alf discovers exactly why the men are flocking to a rival establishment, and Hetty's upset when her chance to shine is suddenly snatched away.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! What are you trying to do? Set up a long-distance record for sulking?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

DIZZY RICH

Originally broadcast: 15 August 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Hetty fears the worst when a man in a bowler hat comes looking for her, Ada worries that the Major will help to squander a sizeable inheritance, and Alf gets into trouble for suggesting an investment in betting shops.

"Nooo! No wonder they want your money, Hetty, they can't even pay the electric bill."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

COUNTRY STYLE

Originally broadcast: 22 August 1964
Directed by: Dicky Leeman
Written by: Fred Robinson

Ada insists on spending the summer holiday in a quiet country cottage, the accommodation turns out to be something of a disappointment, and the Major reveals that he put the box with the food in it back on the bus.

"In't it? I don't want to worry you, mate, but I've just seen a geezer out there building an ark."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

ALF
LARKINS

Played by David Kossoff
40 episodes (1958-1964)
in... Haul for One (S2E3)

ADA
LARKINS

Played by Peggy Mount
40 episodes (1958-1964)
in... Wide Open House (S1E1)

HETTY
PROUT

Played by Barbara Mitchell
33 episodes (1958-1964)
in... Operation Neighbour (S3E6)

JEFF
ROGERS

Played by Ronan O'Casey
27 episodes (1958-1963)
in... Very Important Parent (S2E6)

EDDIE
LARKINS

Played by Shaun O'Riordan
25 episodes (1958-1960)
in... Teddy for Eddie (S2E2)

JOYCE
ROGERS

Played by Ruth Trouncer
25 episodes (1958-1960)
in... Teddy for Eddie (S2E2)

MYRTLE
PROUT

Played by Hilary Bamberger
24 episodes (1958-1960)
in... Angry Young Man (S1E4)

MAJOR OSBERT
RIGBY-SOAMES

Played by Hugh Paddick
15 episodes (1963-1964)
in... Minders Keepers (S6E4)

SAM
PROUT

Played by George Roderick
15 episodes (1958-1960)
in... Stranger Than Friction (S3E5)

LOFTY

Played by David Jackson
14 episodes (1963-1964)
in... Think Quicker, Vicar (S6E1)

HENRY

Played by Willie Payne
14 episodes (1963-1964)
in... Celebration Blue (S6E2)

PADDY

Played by Desmond Parry
1 episode (1963)
in... Café Olé (S5E1)

PADDY

Played by Derry Power
10 episodes (1963-1964)
in... Celebration Blues (S6E2)

GEORGIE
LARKINS

Played by Hugh Walters
7 episodes (1963)
in... Beatle Drive (S5E5)

REV. SEBASTIAN
SPOONFORTH

Played by Charles Lloyd Pack
5 episodes (1958-1963)
in... Ale and Farewell (S1E6)

FRED

Played by Fred Robinson
5 episodes (1958-1963)
in... Well Turned Worm (S4E6)

MRS. GLORIA
GANNETT

Played by Hazel Coppen
4 episodes (1963-1964)
in... Help Unwanted (S5E4)

OLD
CHARLIE

Played by Edward Malin
3 episodes (1958-1963)
in... Dart and Flowers (S5E3)