British Comedy: The Detectives

Years: 1993-1997
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill
Stars: Jasper Carrott, Robert Powell
Episodes: 31
Episode Average: 7.258

BEST EPISODES:
The Great Escaper (1996), Studs (1993)

SERIES ONE

(1993)
6 episodes
Series Score: 51
Episode Average: 8.50
Perfect 10's: 3

S1E1

WHAT THE BUTLER SAW

Originally broadcast: 27 January 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

The Earl of Lisson is knifed to death in the bathroom at his country hotel, Cottam wants information about the movements of the other guests, and Susan Hampshire diverts attention away from important evidence.

"According to my log, they were all in the hotel, Inspector."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

HOSTAGE

Originally broadcast: 3 February 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

A prisoner takes hostages after going over the wall on FA Cup Final day, Cottam decides to offer two officers in exchange for the elderly couple, and Briggs realises they might not have to miss the big match after all.

"You two are getting right up my nose. And you won't like me when you're up my nose."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

TEED OFF

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis set their sights on promotion to detective sergeant, Interpol ask for help with an investigation into an arms shipment, and things turn nasty when they reach the nineteenth hole at the golf course.

"I have not lost them, sir! We're having to waste so much time looking for Bob's balls in the rough."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

ACTING CONSTABLES

Originally broadcast: 17 February 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis cause delays while working as advisers for a TV drama, Cottam's far from impressed by an attempt to act like an oak tree, and the leading man plots to kill the director by switching his medication.

"Do you find big birds sexually attractive?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

STUDS

Originally broadcast: 24 February 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis are sent to Jersey to investigate the case of the missing semen, Cottam deals with a complaint from the bloodstock association, and Jim Bergerac is far from impressed about being left out of the loop.

"I suppose a big semen ring on the charge sheet would look pretty impressive."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

STRANGERS IN PARADISE

Originally broadcast: 3 March 1993
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam puts a band together for an investigation into gangland murder, Briggs gets a shock when a masked intruder confronts him with a kiss, and trying to listen into a secret meeting proves to be hard on the ears.

"Look, she kissed me and it was definitely a woman. Do you think I don't know what it feels like to be kissed by a man?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1994)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

COLLARED

Originally broadcast: 2 March 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

The detectives are suspended after an incident with a suspect briefcase, a plan to nab an East End villain leads to a wager with a blind man, and Cottam prepares his men for the conclusion of an undercover operation.

"One of these days I'm gonna pull you over the Formica of this bar and drag you down my back passage."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

WITNESS

Originally broadcast: 9 March 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

A monk witnesses the murder of a man in the toilets of a railway station, Briggs tries to find someone who likes him enough to listen to him, and Cottam sends two officers on a protection job at a Cumbrian monastery.

"Harry the Horse, he was a mule doing all the donkey work for an international drugs cartel."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

NEVER WITHOUT PROTECTION

Originally broadcast: 16 March 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Stories keep appearing in the press about a duchess sleeping with her bodyguards, Cottam cancels the holidays of two undesirable officers, and Briggs convinces himself that he's far too manly to escape her attention.

"Well perhaps they're from the never been mounted division."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

DUTCH COPS

Originally broadcast: 23 March 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis get trapped in a pilchard lorry while on duty at customs, a ferry takes them to what they quickly work out to be northern Italy, and diamond smugglers go in search of two men wearing sou'westers.

"There's something fishy about this lorry."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

SPARRING PARTNERS

Originally broadcast: 30 March 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam pays the price for his officers getting carried away during a mock riot, Briggs and Louis go undercover in a gym to investigate steroid use, and a disgruntled boxer grabs an opportunity to prevent another victim.

"He couldn't be the boxer, could her? There isn't snything below flyweight."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

REAR WINDOW

Originally broadcast: 6 April 1994
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Volunteering to help with police dog training puts Louis in a wheelchair, Briggs wants to know more about a relationship with a girl on a horse, and reporting the murder of a neighbour proves to be a little tricky.

"Hope you're gonna sue for compensation. This is gonna cost them an arm and a leg, this is."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES THREE

(1995)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 1

S3E1

D.C. OF LOVE

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam can't bring himself to pass on news about forced retirement, an investigation into lonely heart murders leads to a night of blind dates, and Briggs can't believe his luck when he receives an offer of casual sex.

"Well, I'll think you'll find if you look a little closer, that he suggested for tonight's undercover assignment, we wear S&M gear. Not M&S gear."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

FLASH

Originally broadcast: 16 January 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs realises he may have ended his career at a drunken gala dinner, the Marquess of Tipperary faces questions about indecent exposure, and Sparky the Magic Piano manages to give the Drug Squad the runaround.

"The Duke of Connemara. the Marquess of Tipperary, are all your family named after pubs?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

ART ATTACK

Originally broadcast: 23 January 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs gets creative in his obsession to win performance points, Louis puts a spanner in the works by getting them assigned to the Fine Art Squad, and an artist reports the theft of a strangely valuable installation.

"We're looking for a goldfish tank full of urine. There's a drink in it for you."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

ON THIN ICE

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

A figure skater claims sabotage when she's injured in an attack, the case is closed just as Briggs and Louis think they've cracked it, and a lack of an identification card proves problematic for a door-to-door assignment.

"Vick? Well, at least I won't be getting an irritating tickly cough in my knee now, will I?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

Originally broadcast: 6 February 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis head off to Gibraltar for a holiday they won on Bullseye, Cottam's keen to nab a former friend who nearly ended his career, and a lack of jurisdiction leaves no choice but to beg for the worst kind of help.

"Sir, you've got a chip on your shoulder!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

TWITCHERS

Originally broadcast: 13 February 1995
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis are assigned to keep an eye out for egg-snatchers, the professor of ornithology has to explain why he's hanging around, and falling asleep proves costly when the nest gets emptied in the night.

"Shag. To an ornithologist, a shag is a seabird. To an American, a shag id a kind of dance. To a pipe smoker, a shag is a type of tobacco. To me... it's just a remote possibility."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1995)

SPECIAL

THICKER THAN WATER

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1995
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis refuse to investigate a mugging case on Christmas Day, a special offer on lager leaves a bit of a hole in the festive finances, and a weirdly kinky gift leaves Father Christmas fighting for the turkey leg.

"Well, I'll have his leg and you can suck his walking stick."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FOUR

(1996)
5 episodes
Series Score: 37
Episode Average: 7.40
Perfect 10's: 1

S4E1

THE GREAT ESCAPER

Originally broadcast: 15 February 1996
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam refuses to assign new partners after an argument over a woman, a job escorting a prisoner leads to being stranded in the country, and a desperate search for a telephone leads to a farmhouse full of weird.

"But, I mean, you two, Briggs and Louis, you go together, like Torvill and Dean, like sickness and diarrhoea."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

FUR COAT, NO KNICKERS

Originally broadcast: 22 February 1996
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

The police investigate the death of a man during a battle reenactment, Briggs and Louis try to think of the 19 second names of English football teams, and a search begins for a man brave enough to wear underpants.

"He's right. I think we'd better keep his underpants under our hats for now."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

BACK TO CLASS

Originally broadcast: 29 February 1996
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis manage to kill the last female of a rare species of turtle, a job with Drug Squad at a girls' school provides the perfect hiding place, and an art teacher tries to explain why all the young girls fancy him.

"Investigating the manufacturer of a new drug called Snow White. When you snort it, it makes you sneezy, then you're happy, then you get dopey and sleepy, and then you get so grumpy you have to see the doc. We spend ages thinking up these names, you know."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

SACKED

Originally broadcast: 7 March 1996
Directed by: Steven Knight
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

The department throw a farewell party for Cottam as he moves to traffic, Briggs and Louis get off to the worst start with the new super, and not everyone is happy when they're forced to undergo a series of tests.

"I once asked Louis if was a virgin and he blushed and said, 'Not yet'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

THE WEMBLEY STADIUM MYSTERY

Originally broadcast: 14 March 1996
Directed by: Steven Knight
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam's tasked with helping the commissioner's son settle quietly in, Briggs and Louis are furious when a match has to be abandoned, and the new boy jumps to the wrong conclusions about a visit to Wembley.

"If Kenny Dalglish could talk, he'd tell some stories."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FIVE

(1997)
6 episodes
Series Score: 30
Episode Average: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 1

S5E1

SPECIAL BRANCH

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis spring into action when they spot a suicidal man, Cottam asks for help with saving his granddaughter from the riot squad, and a booby trap reveals the true identity of a pair of ageing hippies.

"Don't you dare do dat with dat didgeridoo."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

CARDIAC ARREST

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

A bank robber ends up in hospital after being shot by police, a doctor's concerns leave Bob worrying about the state of his own health, and the leader of the gang tries to make sure that the injured man doesn't talk.

"Course, I'm not allowed to have these, not in my condition. So I... I just take one, suck it and then I put it back in the bag."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

THE BEAST OF HACKNEY MARSHES

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs and Louis rehearse their routine for D Division variety night, the local press investigate a story about the sighting of a wild animal, and four officers are assigned to an overnight investigation of the area.

"She's doing a mind-reading act. She's brilliant, actually. She sat on my lap and she knew exactly what I was thinking."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THE CURSE OF THE COMANCHES

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

A Royal Mail van crashes into a tractor while delivering a tribal totem, the Chief of the Comanche nation arrives to reclaim it for his people, and Briggs and Louis follow the trail when a thief strikes at the station.

"You with me, virgin You safe. Beside, with your face like lizard and lack of scalp, maybe great spirit think you cursed enough."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

BEST MAN

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Briggs is chosen as best man for the marriage of two of his colleagues, Cottam explains that the reason is connected to a case from the 70s, and Louis is left stunned by unexpected attention and news of a bent copper.

"You're lucky you got a tie. I left mine dangling on your big end."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

MINE'S A LARGE ONE

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1997
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam's not impressed when he receives news of a job swap scheme, Briggs and Louis protest about being sent to work as river police, and a sudden appreciation for life on the water is ruined by a WW2 sea mine.

"And this time we don't care how fancy your briefs are, we've caught you with your trousers down."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1997)

SPECIAL

GO WEST OLD MAN

Originally broadcast: 28 December 1997
Directed by: Steven Knight
Written by: Steven Knight, Mike Whitehill

Cottam visits his brother to escape the guilt of a fatal stakeout shooting, Briggs and Louis are sent to Canada to persuade him to come home, and arriving in the middle of nowhere leads to a desperate search for beer.

"Yes, it's just like Nuneaton after a direct hit from a cruise missile."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE
DAVE BRIGGS

Played by Robert Powell
31 episodes (1993-1997)
in... D.C. of Love (S3E1)

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE
BOB LOUIS

Played by Jasper Carrott
31 episodes (1993-1997)
in... Hostage (S1E2)

SUPERINTENDENT
FRANK COTTAM

Played by George Sewell
28 episodes (1993-1997)
in... Sparring Partners (S2E5)