British Comedy: Game On

Years: 1995-1998
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Bernadette Davis, Andrew Davies
Stars: Matthew Cottle, Samantha Janus
Episodes: 18
Episode Average: 6.778

BEST EPISODES:
Matthew - a Suitable Case for Treatment (1995),
Roundheads & Cavaliers (1996)

NOTE:
The episodes from series one are listed in logical order. The original broadcast order had to be changed, and differs from the DVD release. Broadcast dates and episode numbers are taken from Wikipedia.

SERIES ONE

(1995)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E4

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew tries to tempt a Winona Ryder lookalike into the flat, Mandy refuses an opportunity to pay her overdue rent in sexual favours, and Martin faces ridicule during a discussion about Steve McQueen.

"Matthew, excuse me... Would you get your arse off my face please?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

BIG WEDNESDAY

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew's questioned about whether he's ever used his surfboard, Mandy's new boxer boyfriend turns out to be a little too friendly, and Martin gets a date with an American he meets in the Indian takeaway.

"I don't know what his name was. It was something northern. Like, Arthur Blackpudding. Something like that."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E1

WORKING GIRLS

Originally broadcast: 27 February 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew tries to show his sensitive side by understanding female cycles, Mandy's offered the chance to work as an author's research assistant, and Martin struggles to make full use of a very expensive birthday gift.

"Claudia, he said I had the body of a champion whippet. It was so embarrassing. He said, 'only with boobs, like'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

BAD TIMING

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy has a nightmare about being trapped in a long-term relationship, Matthew holds auditions for the role of his new hot babe flatmate, and Martin manages to get beaten up on his first day as a substitute teacher.

"That's a funny expression, that, isn't it? It'd be bad enough being on fire without people pissing on you as well. I read in your Hustler mag that some people actually like being pissed on. You can even pay to have it done! It's called golden shower."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

MATTHEW - A SUITABLE CASE FOR TREATMENT

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Martin fantasises about being able to help nuns with their nunly needs, Matthew chickens out of talking to a gorgeous pizza delivery girl, and Mandy uses a knicker incident to get out of paying six months rent.

"Bloody hell! Look at the squirrel on her!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

FAME

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1995
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy announces that she's spending the weekend with a university friend, Martin goes out for a drink with a Turkish work colleague, and Matthew joins a rock band after venturing upstairs to make a complaint.

"I wanna shag, cos that's my bag. Don't be a drag. I don't wanna suck it so just let's have your bucket. Yeah. Blag knob, swivel-dick, love pump, tallywacker. Shag, blag blag blag, bonk bonk, shag shag, skunk pussy right now. Yep. That's not bad."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

"Don't you just hate that when they keep the
same character and change the actor."

SERIES TWO

(1996)
6 episodes
Series Score: 40
Episode Average: 6.67
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

ROUNDHEADS & CAVALIERS

Originally broadcast: 16 September 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Martin gets lucky with a nurse when a head injury sends him to hospital, Matthew makes it extremely clear why he doesn't want to go out, and Mandy agrees to share her expertise about the size and shape of willies.

"No, not in so many words, no, but she likes me, I feel it. I think I might be in there. I could be up her like a rat up a drain."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

SLIME SURFERS & JISSOM MONKEYS

Originally broadcast: 23 September 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Martin can't stop whittering on about his sexual endeavours with Clare, Mandy's newfound celibacy is challenged by an amorous Italian teacher, and Matthew's chats with a psychologist lead to something unexpected.

"Yeah, we knew Mandy before she was a virgin."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

DOUBLE-HARD BASTARDS & GIRLY SHIRT-LIFTING TOSSPIECES

Originally broadcast: 30 September 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew's encouraged to face his fears by going for a walk in the park, Martin can't sleep because of worries about rivals and intimate rashes, and Mandy asks for help with resisting Marco's physical charms.

"No, Clare, I'm talking to Dr. Harding at the moment! I suppose your pubes are all black and glossy, you handsome bloody bastard! And you can looking at my girlfriend's bottom because you've got no right when you should be taking out people's appendixotomies!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

HEAVY BONDAGE & CUSTARD CREAMS

Originally broadcast: 7 October 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy prepares for a visit from someone she went out with at school, Martin gets tied up when his clothes are stolen by an escaped prisoner, and Matthew's disgusted when a psycho gets some action before him.

"Third prisoner? Me? I'm not 'third prisoner'! I'm twice as dangerous as them two will ever be! If them two are 'extremely dangerous', then I must be... bastard well dangerous!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

TANGERINE CANDYFLOSS & HERNE BAY ROCK

Originally broadcast: 14 October 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Martin turns to poetry as a way of getting over being dumped by Clare, Matthew decides to keep a record of his exciting life by writing a journal, and Mandy asks a teacher she once fancied to give her a reference.

"'Oh, Jason, you've got a very handsome face on.
And your knickers have got frilly lace on.
Oh, J...'."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

BRUCE WILLIS & ROBERT DE NIRO HOLDING A FISH

Originally broadcast: 21 October 1996
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy's new boyfriend manages to make a very poor first impression, Martin tries to fill his time by volunteering for a telephone helpline, and Matthew has to face up to the outside world to help a suicidal woman.

"Toastie. H..his name's Toastie. It's because of his face... It's big and square and flat like a piece of toast."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES THREE

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 35
Episode Average: 5.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

PALMS, PIGS AND BAD DEBTS

Originally broadcast: 2 January 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew gets caught in a compromising position with his teddy bear, Mandy goes into shock when she's told about a debt collector visit, and Martin compiles a mountain of notes about his feelings for Clare.

"Get off! Get off! That's not people do when they have sex, you mad cow! Get out of my room! Normal people don't go around sniffing people's armpits and talking about nipples! Normal people shag normally like normal people!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

MARTIN'S BABY

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Martin discovers that he's a father when he visits the video shop, Matthew's devastated when his father's ship gets sunk by depression, and Mandy's accused of only being interested in Archie for his money.

"It's my bollocks. They feel... different. Bigger. They're sort of bulging with a new manliness. I have sired a child."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

MARINES AND VACUUM CLEANER

Originally broadcast: 16 January 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew transorms the flat after deciding that he wants to be a marine, Mandy realises that she's found a man who doesn't just want her or sex, and Martin can't bring himself to believe a story about a dead brother.

"I've got my knob stuck in a suction pipe. It could happen to anyone. I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time, there's no shame in it. Broad-minded young man with a sense of adventure and a healthy imagination is stuck in a flat with a vacuum cleaner. What could be more natural? Oh, shit, shit, shit, Martin! You've got to help me, it won't come off, it's stuck there! I've been pulling and tugging on it all afternoon and it won't budge. Martin, please help me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

CRABS

Originally broadcast: 23 January 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy tries to impress Archie's mother and sister by cooking dinner, Martin can't find it in himself to smash a crab's head in with a shoe, and Matthew struggles to resist the temptation of a bit of unconscious leg.

"Sausages... sur un lit de mash... avec son jus."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

LAURA

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Matthew starts watching his neighbours through the front door spyhole, Martin tries to get a court order to stop Clare taking Rosie to Australia, and Mandy refuses to believe stories about sex with a married woman.

"Exhibit A. You've gotta believe me now. You can't argue with this kind of evidence. These are Laura'a knickers - fresh off her this afternoon. Wanna sniff?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

WEDDING DAY

Originally broadcast: 6 February 1998
Directed by: John Stroud
Written by: Bernadette Davies, Andrew Davies

Mandy starts to worry that she's not good enough to marry Archie, Matthew's encouraged to face his demons so he can attend the wedding, and Martin can't believe his luck when he meets a near-perfect woman.

"Does it? Really? Do you think I've got that traumatic postal order thingy that soldiers get?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

MATTHEW NORMAN
MALONE

Played by Ben Chaplin
6 Episodes (1995)
in... Working Girls (S1E1)

MATTHEW NORMAN
MALONE

Played by Neil Stuke
12 Episodes (1996-1998)
in... Slime Surfers & Jissom Monkeys (S2E2)

MATTHEW'S ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES

AMELIA
Played by Sophie Linfield
in... Bad Timing (S1E4)

JESSICA
Played by Shebah Ronay
in... Bad Timing (S1E4)

JULIA
Played by Anna Galvin
in... Matthew - A Suitable Case for Treatment (S1E2)

JASON
Played by Mark Powley
in... Slime Surfers & Jissom Monkeys (S2E2)

SUSIE
Played by Fay Masterson
in... Bruce Willis & Robert De Niro Holding a Fish (S2E6)

LAURA
Played by Louise Delamere
in... Laura (S3E5)

MARTIN
HENSON

Played by Matthew Cottle
18 Episodes (1995-1998)
in... Fame (S1E6)

MARTIN'S ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES

RENATE
Played by Kate McKenzie
in... The Great Escape (S1E4)

NANCY
Played by Lisa Orgolini
in... Big Wednesday (S1E5)

KIM
Played by Nina Young
in... Working Girls (S1E1)

CLARE
Played by Tracy Keating
in... Roundheads & Cavaliers (S2E1)

HANNAH
Played by Rebecca Blake
in... Tangerine Candyfloss & Herne Bay Rock (S2E5)

RACHEL
Played by Tracy Keating
in... Wedding Day (S3E6)

MANDY
WILKINS

Played by Samantha Janus/Womack
18 Episodes (1995-1998)
in... Bad Timing (S1E3)

MANDY'S ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES

PAUL 'RAGE' JOHNSON
Played by David Harewood
in... Big Wednesday (S1E5)

RON GRIMSHAWE
Played by Dave Hill
in... Working Girls (S1E1)

GRAHAM
Played by Jonathan Dow
in... Bad Timing (S1E4)

JASON
Played by David Curtiz
in... Bad Timing (S1E4)

SEAN
Played by Ian Embleton
in... Matthew - A Suitable Case for Treatment (S1E2)

MARCO
Played by Oliver Haden
in... Slime Surfers & Jissom Monkeys (S2E2)

STOAT
Played by Eddie Marsan
in... Heavy Bondage & Custard Creams (S2E4)

BRIAN KENNEDY
Played by Matthew Marsh
in... Tangerine Candyfloss & Herne Bay Rock (S2E5)

PATRICK
Played by Daniel Taylor
in... Bruce Willis & Robert De Niro Holding a Fish (S2E6)

ARCHIE GLENISTER
Played by Crispin Bonham-Carter
in... Marines and Vacuum Cleaner (S3E3)

CLARE
MONAHAN

Played by Tracy Keating
9 Episodes (1996-1998)
in... Martin's Baby (S3E2)

ARCHIE
GLENISTER

Played by Crispin Bonham-Carter
5 Episodes (1998)
in... Martin's Baby (S3E2)