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The Award Show Jokes
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Oscars 2016
Hosted by ..
6.1
0
"Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna's panties.
- I wasn't invited!"
- I wasn't invited!"
7.8
0
On people complaining that Will didn't get nominated for his role in Concussion:
"It's also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West."
"It's also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West."
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Golden Globe Awards 2012
Hosted by ..
5.4
0
"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. Bit louder, bit trashier, bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."
6.9
0
On Eddie Murphy stepping aside as Oscars host:
"When the man who said yes to 'Norbit' says no to you, you know you're in trouble."
"When the man who said yes to 'Norbit' says no to you, you know you're in trouble."
Chani's rating:
7.8
0
"I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster's "Beaver." I haven't seen it myself. I've spoken to a lot of guys who haven't seen it either. But that doesn't mean it's not any good."
Chani's rating:
3.7
0
On Justin Beiber and the paternity test:
“What a waste of a test that would have been. The only way he could impregnate a girl if if he borrowed Martha Stewart’s old turkey baster.”
“What a waste of a test that would have been. The only way he could impregnate a girl if if he borrowed Martha Stewart’s old turkey baster.”
8.3
0
Introducing Natalie Portman:
“Last year, our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her work in Black Swan. This year, she took some time out to have a baby. Consequently, she’s been nominated for nothing. Really pathetic. But she learned that valuable lesson you all already knew: Never put family first. Please welcome the very foolish Natalie Portman.”
“Last year, our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her work in Black Swan. This year, she took some time out to have a baby. Consequently, she’s been nominated for nothing. Really pathetic. But she learned that valuable lesson you all already knew: Never put family first. Please welcome the very foolish Natalie Portman.”
Chani's rating:
8.2
0
Talking about Bridesmaids showing that women can be as crude as men:
“Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I heard for research they spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren."
“Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I heard for research they spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren."
Chani's rating:
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Golden Globes 2010 & 2011
Again hosted by Ricky Gervais!
7.1
0
Swigging beer & introducing Mel Gibson:
"I like a drink as much as the next man... unless the next man is Mel Gibson."
"I like a drink as much as the next man... unless the next man is Mel Gibson."
8.2
0
Making fun of Paul's then divorce from Heather Mills:
"We came over on the same flight. I didn't get to speak to him because I was up the front in first-class. He was behind me in coach. Saving money. He spent an awful lot last year."
"We came over on the same flight. I didn't get to speak to him because I was up the front in first-class. He was behind me in coach. Saving money. He spent an awful lot last year."
6.7
0
"Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married, aged 84, to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris...
When asked why she was marrying him, she said, 'He lied about his age. I thought he was 94'."
When asked why she was marrying him, she said, 'He lied about his age. I thought he was 94'."
7.7
0
"Actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved the world over because they're recognisable..
You can be in the Third World and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better. You can be a little Asian child, with no possessions, no money - but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and think, 'Mummy!'"
You can be in the Third World and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better. You can be a little Asian child, with no possessions, no money - but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and think, 'Mummy!'"
Chani's rating:
5.1
0
"There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year. Nothing for Sex And The City 2. I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza."
8.3
0
Introducing Robert Downey Jr.:
"Many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail."
"Many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail."
Chani's rating:
6.3
0
"It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.
"Wow, so let's get this straight... so what he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife - as you do - went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked and trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard, and that was a Monday.
"What does he do on New Year's Eve?"
"Wow, so let's get this straight... so what he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife - as you do - went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked and trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard, and that was a Monday.
"What does he do on New Year's Eve?"
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Oscars 2001
Hosted by Steve Martin..
7.9
0
"Ellen Burstyn did something that not many actresses would do for a role in a movie. She made herself look 30 pounds heavier and 20 years older. And Russell Crowe still hit on her."
Chani's rating:
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Oscars 2010
Hosted by Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin..
8.3
0
"Meryl Streep holds the record for most nominations as an actress. Or, as I like to think of it, most losses."
Chani's rating:
* _ List Still In Progress! _*
(more to come..) - & SPOILERS!!
Celebs on the receiving end of jokes courtesy of Award Shows & their hosts..
(more to come..) - & SPOILERS!!
Celebs on the receiving end of jokes courtesy of Award Shows & their hosts..
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