British Comedy: The Benny Hill Show

Years: 1969-1989
Broadcaster: ITV (Thames)
Genre: Sketch
Written by: Benny Hill
Stars: Benny Hill, Henry McGee
Episodes: 58
Episode Average: 5.552

BEST EPISODES:
Show 39 (1981), Show 15 (1977)

THE 1969 SHOWS ACTUALLY APPEAR ON THE 1974 ANNUAL

1969

2 Shows
Year Score: 14
Average Score: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

SHOW 1

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1969
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Ye Olde Wishing Well --- The Girl I Adore
Benny's Bloopers --- Crossing the Line
Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Hospital Service --- Mrs. Trimm
European Song Contest --- Butterfly Net

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: Goin' Out of My Head

"Good body every evening. And to all the British gentle and ladies men who are at this moment sitting together in the privy of their own homes... Goodnight."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

SHOW 2

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1969
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Juanita Bonita Delores --- Holiday Sport Spectacular
The Short Happy Life of Maurice Dribble --- Benny's Bloopers II
Is This Your Life? --- Park Bench

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Eira Heath: Wedding Cake

"Oh, I thought this was Op Knocks. I've got a singing sanitary inspector outside. He'll go clean round the bend."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1970

4 Shows
Year Score: 30
Average Score: 7.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E3

SHOW 3

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1970
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Blackmoor --- Colleen --- The Casting Couch
Hotel Sordide --- Paris By Night --- The Ballet --- Soap Not Soup
The Melody Lingers On --- Benny's Bloopers III
Tommy Tupper in Tupper-Time --- The Girls of the Sousa Bar

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Luis Alberto del Parana and Los Paraguayos: Colorado
Eira Heath: Carnival

"Now Suzy she came and she sat next to me,
Her complexion was just like a rose,
But I couldn't help noticing a little mark,
Across the bridge of her nose,
She said 'That mark that you're staring at'
'Was caused by glasses my dear.'
I said 'Why don't you use contact lenses?'
She said 'They don't hold enough beer!'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

SHOW 4

Originally broadcast: 11 March 1970
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benovite --- The Garden of Love --- Fred Scuttle: The Audience
Rogue Nudist --- Benny's Bloopers IV --- Dickie Dido: Golden Days
One-Man Band Monk --- Belle of the Ball --- The Birds and the Bees
The Sound of Frankenstein --- Highway Robbery

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: This Girl's in Love with You

"Now there's a beetroot for the day,
You said that you'd be beetroot to me,
A sweet pea for the sweet way,
You always used to smile at me.
But you had friends who needed you,
There was Ferdy, there was Liza,
So just for them,
I put down a load of Ferdy-Liza."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E1

SHOW 5

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1970
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
The Bench --- The Hippy & the Suitcase --- Benny's Quickies: Look #7
The Boutique --- John Payne Billboard --- Bulla Bulla
Benny's Bloopers V --- Fred Scuttle: Go Gay With Thames
The Underworld Water of Jacques Custard: The Forward Walking Crab
Wind of Change --- East Meets West --- Ted
José's Cantina --- Firing Squad

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Los Zafiros: Maria Isabel
Two's Company: Try to Remember

"It wouldn't do would it. It would never be right. I mean, if you had nudity on television once, then the floodgates would be open. They'd all be at it. I mean, you'd have 'Nudes at Ten'. Yeah, you would. 'Opportunity Knockers'. 'Oh, Coronation Street'. That's a thought, isn't it? What?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

SHOW 6

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1970
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
A Broken-Hearted Lovers' Stew --- More of Look #7
Fred Scuttle: Scuttle Tours --- Dickie Dido: Rachel
Eeling Flushed --- Bloopers VI
A Tribute to the Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade
Opportunity's Knocking --- Signs

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Trisha Noble: Leaving on a Jet Plane

"Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face and Ted went for his bun,
But Ernie was too quick for him and things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt sent it spinning from his hand."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1971

5 Shows
Year Score: 30
Average Score: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E3

SHOW 7

Originally broadcast: 27 January 1971
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
What the Butler Heard --- Flying South --- Shameful Moments of Sport
Henry and Alice and Bob and Mary --- Bloopers VII
Crime Does Not Pay --- Love Will Find a Way
Top of the Tops --- Dream Girl

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Petticoat and Vine: Welcome to the World of Love and Laughter
Kiki Dee: You've Made Me So Very Happy

"We might get slim on lemon juice, but never on sundaes."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

SHOW 8

Originally broadcast: 24 February 1971
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Promotion --- Pretty Greek Girl --- Undercover Sanitary Inspector
For Reverend Gray --- Bloopers VIII --- Learning All the Time
Off to Work --- Uplift --- No Trespassers

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Nanette: Everybody's Singing Like Now

"Well one day he packed his tent,
Back to Africa he went,
Cos he had faith,
Of that there was no doubt.
Like when he seen this lion limping with a thorn stuck in its foot,
He just went up and he gently took it out,
And then he said a little prayer,
And he blessed the lion then and there,
And stroked its mane and this great big lion let 'im,
And then to show it could understand,
It went up and it licked his hand,
And raised its paw and knocked 'im down and ate 'im."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

SHOW 9

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1971
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Cheating Wife --- The Egg Marketing Board Tango
French for Starters --- The Messenger --- The Grass is Greener
Supermarket Ballet --- All in the Spirit
Cinema: The Vintage Years - Passengers of Love
Benny's International Bloopers --- The Westminster Funsters
The Chinese Restaurant --- Chair Chase

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: Close to You

"Nicht on eine Nelly!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E1

SHOW 10

Originally broadcast: 24 November 1971
Directed by: David Bell
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
The Beach at St. Tropez --- Going Up in the World
Benny's Bloopers IX --- New England 1635 --- St. John Bossom
The SS Rumpo --- Fun in the Kitchen
The Movie Shakers: Mervyn Cruddy --- The Reader

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: River Deep, Mountain High

"Oh, you'd think he'd find better things to occupy his mind. I mean, there's enough work needs doing out here in the colonies. I've been waiting six weeks for some man to come and look at my chest. I can't get anyone to touch it. "

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

SHOW 11

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1971
Directed by: David Bell
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
I Like 'Em Big --- Gypsy Rock --- Fred's Chunky
Dimpton Drinking Club --- News at Ten --- The Great Pretender
Cousin Catherine --- Benny's International Bloopers II --- The WPCs

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: I Say a Little Prayer

"And they starts to have a row,
She says, 'you can't even see straight, now',
He said, 'I can see straight',
Cor, he didn't half shout,
He said, 'I can see clear as a die',
'That cat comin' in's only got one eye',
She said, 'That cat ain't comin' in, its goin' out'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1972

4 Shows
Year Score: 23
Average Score: 5.75
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E3

SHOW 12

Originally broadcast: 23 February 1972
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Chocolate Chess --- Oh, Zanduna
Out and About with Henry McGee: Scuttle's Keep Fit Brigade
Fam and Fufan --- A French Film Director --- Spanish Lessons
An English Country Garden --- Benny's Quickies
Chinese Customs --- Time to Say Goodnight --- Not By a Long Chalk

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Sylvia McNeill: I Don't Know How to Love Him

"No, actually, last summer, I did get a touch of the cucumber blight. It don't usually attack people, only cucumbers. But I went along to the doctor, and he put some blue unction on it and it's all right now."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

SHOW 13

Originally broadcast: 22 March 1972
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
The Germans --- Wild Women --- St. Solomon's School
A Fishy Tale --- Down Memory Lane --- Howdy Y'all (inc. Those Days)
Benny's Quickies II --- Scuttlevision TV --- A Song for Her
Meeting People with Nicholas Parsons --- The Harvest of Love
The Convict

"Now, I used to know a gal in Crewe,
She was five foot two,
She had eyes of blue,
And she told me that her name was Lottie.
But I think she was funny in the head,
She used to sleep underneath the bed,
Her parents thought she was a little potty."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E1

SHOW 14

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1972
Directed by: Keith Beckett
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Fruit Machines --- The Dustbins of Your Mind
Meeting People with Hugh Paddick --- Fad-Eyed Fal
Woodstick --- Benny's Bloopers X
Berlin Youth Choir Recital --- Homes to Let

"And a spaceship welcome to all the little poisoned girls."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

SHOW 15

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1972
Directed by: Keith Beckett
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Church Mission --- The Gamekeeper's Daughter
Benny's Bloopers XI --- The Exclusive Funboy Club
Festive Drinking --- Benny's Advertising Bloopers
Yackanory: Goldilocksen --- Portable TV Set
The Common Market Square Dance --- Army Camouflage Unit

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Ladybirds: Don't Stop the Music

"Ooh, no, sir. Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that in here, sir. Well, I mean, these girls topless, sir? They've got to serve a full meal, sir. Hot... things and... they've got to lean across tables. And I mean you can ask a girl to take her thumb out your soup..."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

1973

4 Shows
Year Score: 21
Average Score: 5.25
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E3

SHOW 16

Originally broadcast: 22 February 1973
Directed by: Keith Beckett
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
In Leather --- Unsung Hero --- Scuttle's Securitity
Non-Controversial Programme Planner --- Benny's Quickies III
At Home with Henry McGee: Chinese Interpreter
Jackie Wright's Holiday --- Lover, Come Back to Me --- Tied Up

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Orange Blossom Sound: What Am I Doing Hangin' Round?

"He's my brother-in-law, sir. That's him over there. He's very healthy, he can gnash his teeth an' all. 'Cos they're National Health teeth."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

SHOW 17

Originally broadcast: 29 March 1973
Directed by: Peter Frazer-Jones
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Beanz Meanz Beanz --- Mad About You --- It's Drink...
Confrontation --- Reflecting the Fool --- Poetry Corner
The Deputy --- Tales from America
Benny's Advertising Bloopers II
The Dalton Abbott Railway Porter Choir --- The Department Store

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Lee Gibson & Jon Jon Keefe: Happy Together

"Not who, what. Maryanna. You know what I mean, reevers. Canapiss. You know what I mean. On the potty. And before a boy knows where he is, he's... he's... he's... he's a smoked haddock. A smoke addict."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E1

SHOW 18

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1973
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Clingshield --- A Letter From Your Ma --- Spot Black
Tische und Sonn --- Shoe Laces --- Big Eddie: Film of the Year
Benny's Quickies IV --- The State of the Nation
Phone-In with Ludovic Kennedy --- The Band in the Park
Federales de Los Pueblos

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Berry Cornish: Questions
Los Zafiros: Y Viva España

"A honeymoon can't go on forever, can it? I mean, when you're first married, you know, I mean you've only got to look at the wife and she makes yer peanut brittle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

SHOW 19

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1973
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Batman --- Older Woman --- Scuttle's Channel Tunnel
Benny's Quickies V --- The Great British Dancing Finals
Departure Lounge --- Tea for Two --- A Story Told Many Ways
The Changing Bench

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Anne Shelton: Put Your Hand in the Hand
The Ladybirds: Medley

"It belongs in the consortium, sir. It's the only time my lads'll read anything. That's why they're so misinformed you see, they never get the complete story."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1974

2 Shows
Year Score: 8
Average Score: 4.0
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E3

SHOW 20

Originally broadcast: 7 February 1974
Directed by: John Robins
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
I Want You to Be My... --- Faith --- El Sidney
Mervyn Cruddy: Spy Catcher --- Beans on Toast --- Film Time
Benny's Quickies VI --- The Minstrel Boy
Mr. TV Times Contest --- Cheat!

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Design: Second Love

"It must be a face, it's got ears on it."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

SHOW 21

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1974
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
It's a Boy --- The Good Book
Benny's International Bloopers III --- Ha-wire --- Scuttle's Escorts
Match of the Week: Golden Goalies and Their Silver Saves
On the Ranch: Ella May --- Why Do You Keep Calling Me?
Coalpits --- Please Don't Leave --- On the Ranch: Lost and Found
The Short Unhappy Romance of Ted Tingle
On the Ranch: Why Do You Drink So Much? --- Mexican Medley

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Judith Durham & the Hottest Band in Town: Strut Your Stuff
The Ladybirds: Yesterday Once More

"Some say that it's Mexico City,
Where the girls all parade in their pretties,
Oh, I'd like to get hold of their ditties,
As they sing 'cos they're terribly sweet."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1975

4 Shows
Year Score: 22
Average Score: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

SHOW 22

Originally broadcast: 8 January 1975
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
You Are Here --- All-Time Favourites --- Waikiki
The Man and His Music: Gavin Blod --- Job Posters
Long Dry Summer --- Newer Faces --- Stolen Fruit

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Lee Gibson: The Moment of Truth

"And them over here... they want tree fellers... and there's only two of us."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

SHOW 23

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1975
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Mighty Deodorant for Men --- All-Time Favourites II
Fred Scuttle D.N.B.C. --- A Bad Day at the Races
Great Mysteries with Orson Buggy --- It's Me! --- Film Talk
Dimpton Health & Sun Club

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Diana Darvey: Around the World Medley

"I mean, you don't think, do you, Arnold? I mean, when we done that bank job and I said put something on your face, I meant a stocking or a mask... not Brut for Men. Even if it does suit ya."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

SHOW 24

Originally broadcast: 24 September 1975
Directed by: Ronald Fouracre
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
All-Time Favourites III --- The Milkman
The Dream Makers: Clive Jarrow --- Somethin' 'Bout You Baby I Like
Benny's Quickies VII --- The Stamp Collector --- The Golden Shot
Discos Record Shop --- Michael Parkinspace: Tex Cymbal
The Mannequin

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Eddie Buchanan: Going Nowhere

"Here, that's a Shredded Wheat. Hey, who's got my Brillo Pad?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E1

SHOW 25

Originally broadcast: 17 December 1975
Directed by: Mark Stuart, Benny Hill
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Don't Jump, My Son --- All-Time Favourites IV
Lovely Lulubelle --- Shopping Centre Cinema Advertisements
Is There Anything In It? --- The Chief Clerk --- The Dancefloor
Jack & Jill on Television --- Mexican Cabaret
Dribble's Sights of London Tour --- New Vicar
Benny's Quickies VIII --- El Paso --- Olympic Training

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Dilys Watling: Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady

"You know something, Juan. My wife is crazy. She won't send money to the Inland Revenue because we live on the coast."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

1976

3 Shows
Year Score: 19
Average Score: 6.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S7E2

SHOW 26

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1976
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Your Own Food --- Guest Stars --- Word of Sport
Luke & Tinker --- Waiter, Waiter, There's a Fly...
Fatricia and Feter --- A Nudist --- Jokes on the Dancefloor
Strangers in the Night --- Bust Op --- Tornado
Benny's Quickies IX --- Radio Girl --- The Wrong End of the Stick

"You put manure on your rhubarb? We put cream on ours."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

SHOW 27

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1976
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Guest Stars II --- Jungle Tales
The Handyman --- Captain Scuttle: Space Ace
Cooking Chinese Food at Home --- Murder On the Oregon Express
The Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade Singers --- Snuffo

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Brenda Arnau: Tell It Like It Is

"What are you doing on my launching pad? You're not allowed on my launching pad without a Launching Voucher."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

SHOW 28

Originally broadcast: 21 April 1976
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
So Many Girls --- A Look Ahead at the Television Schedule
Getting to Know You --- Is There Anything In It?
Damsel in Distress --- Biology with David Bellamy
Supersonic --- The Clothing Department

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Eddie Buchanan: Dancing in the Nude (with'Love Machine')

"Oh, right again, fancy that! Although, of course, I have heard of Welsh rarebit referred to as a virgin from Cardiff. But, erm, we won't dwell on that, will we?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1977

3 Shows
Year Score: 16
Average Score: 5.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S8E1

SHOW 29

Originally broadcast: 26 January 1977
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Bianca Malone --- Sum Awards --- Chimpy Dog Food
Crazy Continental Cabaret --- Pet Poetry --- Nor Iron Bars a Cage...!
Nearsighted Political Correspondent --- The Bionic Baby
One Big Happy Family --- Beach Body

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Reflections: Higher and Higher

"And I think I am bare-arsed, and my cold foot... I think I embarrassed Michael Foot."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2

SHOW 30

Originally broadcast: 23 February 1977
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Eskimo Nell --- The Villain of the Year --- Zipper Martin
Ugly Matrimony --- Victorian Scandals --- The Flash
Blind Date --- Scouts and Guides Annual Fete

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Love Machine: Think of the Boys

"And look at some of those publicans who overcharge. They ought to be behind bars."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3

SHOW 31

Originally broadcast: 23 March 1977
Directed by: Mark Stuart
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Drunken Announcer --- Husky & Starch --- Casanova
New Bed --- Fever --- Granny of the Year Show
I'm Watching My Figure --- Deep in My Heart --- Peeping George
Girls, Girls, Girls --- Bristols --- Westminster Follies
Chinese Package Tours --- At the Streakers' Ball

"Sports fans can see Davies Dickie... Dickie Davies. Leyton Orient beat Hawaii 5-0. Ah... later on there'll be Hawaii Five-0."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1978

2 Shows
Year Score: 10
Average Score: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S9E1

SHOW 32

Originally broadcast: 30 May 1978
Directed by: Keith Beckett
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Married Life --- First Impressions --- Digger Blue, Private Eye
Hotel Sordide Room Service --- Head Technician Fred Scuttle
The Widow --- The South Blank Show --- Bits and Pieces

MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Cotton Mill Boys: Orange Blossom Special

"Oh, without a doubt, sir, Mike Spilligan. Uh, Spike Milligan, sorry. I've had me nose fixed and now me mouth won't work. Good job it wasn't Marty Feldman."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E1

SHOW 33

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1978
Directed by: Ronald Fouracre
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
All-Time Favourites V --- Coconut Milk --- Man Vs. Machine
Grand Wheelchair Rally --- Victorian Exchange Operator
Holiday Time --- Costa Patatas --- Benny's Quickies X
Go Round Again --- Friday Night Fever --- Buried Loot

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Felicity Buirski: The Clock

"Fire brigade! Mrs. House has got her bush on fire! I mean Mrs. Bush has got her house on fire!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1979

2 Shows
Year Score: 15
Average Score: 7.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S10E2

SHOW 34

Originally broadcast: 14 March 1979
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland, Ronald Fouracre
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Little Angel --- Benny's Place --- The Man With Educated Feet
The National Health Service --- Leprechaun TV --- Cosmetic Surgery
The Coliseum: Christians v Lions --- Marriage of Convenience
Hot Gossamer --- The Noise Abatement Society Annual Dinner
Fait, Ope and Carity --- Association of Dentists Annual Dinner
Flogging Something --- Wondergran Meets Dracula

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Geraldine: Casablanca

"Se said 'I'm no Sopia Loren',
I know tat my sape's not so ot,
I may be old in te toot,
My teet may be false but I could give you suc a lot."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E3

SHOW 35

Originally broadcast: 25 April 1979
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland, Ronald Fouracre
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
All-Time Favourites VI --- Maria, Maria
Benny's Advertising Bloopers III
The International Television Festival --- In London Tonight
Love For Sale --- Yield to the Dawn --- Lean On My Crutch
The Police Raid in Waterloo Station --- Call Yourself a Doctor
Wild Jack McGrew --- More Olympic Training

"Well, you see, sir, she knows he needs help, and she sent him to this fella who specialises in psychoceramics... the study of crackpots."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

1980

3 Shows
Year Score: 13
Average Score: 4.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S11E1

SHOW 36

Originally broadcast: 6 February 1980
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Has There Been Any Other Men in Your Life? --- The Scarlet Pimple
Hollywood Grates --- Grand Gala --- Messy Husband
Women's Lib Television: Sale of the Century, Sports Desk
and Charlene's Angels

"They might have let it finish eating its apple before they killed the damn thing."

HOLY GODIVA 0 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 1

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E2

SHOW 37

Originally broadcast: 5 March 1980
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
All-Time Favourite Stars VII --- Johnnie Boy
A Painting Good Enough to Eat --- Industrial Tribunal
Madame Louise Summer Collection --- The Court Jester
The Fudpackers --- God Bless My Father Whoever He Was
Butch Cafferty and the Fundance Kid --- Hill's Angel Final Parade

"Here, here. I say, is George in?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E3

SHOW 38

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1980
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Love --- Dimpton Leisure Complex --- TV Romana te Rose
1994 --- Women's Lib Television: The Kitty Everett Show
Name That Tune --- New York, New York --- Benny's Quickies XI
Les 3 Mousquateres

"He's very helpful some... I mean... For a start, sir, he drives the mystery coach tour, sir. Yes, and before they go, they always have a bet as to where they're gonna go, you know. He hates it. He keeps losing."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

1981

3 Shows
Year Score: 19
Average Score: 6.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S12E1

SHOW 39

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1981
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Wedding Night --- Maria --- The Loser
Not a Lot of People Know That --- The Clown
The Wishing Well --- Meeting People with Henry McGee
Runaway --- Wedding Night: Tea in Bed
Wondergran Meets Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide

"She says, 'Look, love, don't you see',
'All this don't interest me',
'In fact, I find it positively boring',
'I've been sitting here listening so long',
'My little bottom's gone to sleep',
I said, 'I know it has , I heard it snoring'."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S12E2

SHOW 40

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1981
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Crow's Feet --- Down On the Farm
A Tribute to the Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade v.2
The Statue --- Castaway --- The Poster Girl
Keep Young and Beautiful/An Occasional Man/Ease On Down the Road
The Undercover Sanitary Inspector v.2 --- She-Hulk

"Then the whole ship went down,
I said, 'Mind you don't drown,
'Hang onto a buoy if you can',
Nell looked at me coy,
She said, 'You're not a boy',
Get away you're a dirty old man'."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S12E3

SHOW 41

Originally broadcast: 25 March 1981
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Polite Football Fan --- The Lovely Girls From Crete
Benny's Quickies XII --- The Georgian Dancers
Friends to Tea with Henry McGee --- Big Poppa --- News at Ten
Remote Control --- Man Wanted

"Now, a German named Marlene,
Told me she liked Bristol Cream,
I bought her a bottle in Berlin,
She said, 'You really are a sport',
And she pulled out the cork,
And poured it on her chest and rubbed it in."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1982

2 Shows
Year Score: 10
Average Score: 5.0
Perfect 10's: 0

S13E1

SHOW 42

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1982
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
My Kitty --- Paradise Island --- Benny's Quickies XIII
Schoolteacher --- Hotel Splendide --- Peeping Tom
The Tiger Hunter --- The Traffic Wardens Vs. The Street Cleaners
Benny's Quickies XIV --- The Monte Carbolic Show --- The Vamp

"What is a Hebrew? A male teabag."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S13E2

SHOW 43

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1982
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
The Ornithologist --- Unlucky Luke --- Benny's Quickies XV
Learning all the Time v.2 --- Eye Test --- Talking Point
Street Party --- Pools Win --- Ambrosia the Scots Schoolgirl
Heavy Breather --- The Window Cleaner --- The Video Machine
Benny's Quickies XVI --- Striptease --- I Won't Forget
Cops & Robbers

"My wee sister went into the elephant house,
And she came out all trembling and pale,
She said,'Miss Brody, I've seen a big great big grey monster',
'Picking up buns with its tail',
Miss Brody said, 'All right, so it picked up buns with its tail',
'That's no reason for you to be crying',
'Tell us all what did it do with the buns',
She said, 'If I tell you, you'll say I was lying'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1983

2 Shows
Year Score: 10
Average Score: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S14E1

SHOW 44

Originally broadcast: 5 January 1983
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Funny Dream --- Oven Gloves --- The Lifeguard
Photo Album --- Egyptian Flu --- Me and My Shadow
Friends to Tea With Henry McGee: Mr. Chow Mein
Bedpan --- Television Censors Board --- The Cruise
Benny's Quickies XVII --- Superteech

"Now I went to the opening of a big store's annual sale,
But the way them sheilas push and shove,
They're stronger than us males,
One lady had me on me back and I looked up in horror,
As a young girl sat on my face,
I'm going again tomorrow."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S14E2

SHOW 45

Originally broadcast: 16 March 1983
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Injection --- Personnel --- The Gay Cabellero
Benny's Quickies XVIII --- Holiday --- Reading in Bed --- Sit Up & Listen
Lady Godiva --- Safe Combination --- Maggots --- A Clown in Town
Waiting in Court --- The Toughest Bloke in the Pub --- The Sling Shot

"For those holidaymakers with tight budgets, this beach is the one for you. It's called the Sonofa Beach. And you can sit at this table all day long and it won't cost you a penny. Just a few francs for two little bottoms... for a two litre bottle of wine."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

1984

2 Shows
Year Score: 13
Average Score: 6.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S15E1

SHOW 46

Originally broadcast: 16 January 1984
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XIX --- Home For the Summer
Scuttlevision Cable TV --- A Night Out
Stupid Cupid --- Club Bizarre --- Fingers McNee
Close Down --- £100 --- On the Beach

"No, I said I wanted you to play 'In the Mood'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S15E2

SHOW 47

Originally broadcast: 25 April 1984
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XX --- The League of Helping Hand
Vitamin Tonic --- Newlyweds --- The Vagabond --- Upside Down
The Gift --- The Workout --- The Body
Something To Tell You --- The Boys Are Back in Town
Benny's Quickies XXI --- The Hot Shoe Show --- Two Minutes Under
St. John Thomas Hospital

"The eyes, I think on those two fingers there,
So that way, they could look anywhere,
Through a keyhole, behind a screen,
See around corners without being seen,
See far off, see quite near,
You could look in your own ear,
You could look down your own throat,
Or look up your neighbour's horoscope."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

1985

3 Shows
Year Score:
Average Score:
Perfect 10's:

S16E1

SHOW 48

Originally broadcast: 2 January 1985
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXII --- Professor: The Missing Link
Brand Names --- Benny's Quickies XXIII --- Sauce at Benito's
The B-Team

"Don't you remember you used to ask if Ribena good girl or if I been a naughty girl? And if we was naughty eucalyptus round the earhole."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S16E2

SHOW 49

Originally broadcast: 8 April 1985
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXIV --- What a World --- On the Street
Benny's Quickies XXV --- For Ever Love --- Her for Him
Oddball's Club Cabaret --- Independent Cinema

"'I'm peckish' said Sandy, 'I fancy a nice hotbitch'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S16E3

SHOW 50

Originally broadcast: 27 May 1985
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXVI --- Costa Coco --- The Weather Hut
Directions --- The Lover --- The Scarlet Woman --- Carmen
Benny's Quickies XXVII --- Dibbles Health Farm

"Now our new President he loves poor people,
That's why he has created so many so many,
But you could spend all day in a bar with him,
You wouldn't know that he had a penny,
But he has married a beautiful wife,
With a figure too lovely to hide,
And now he's put her on our postage stamps,
We all like the wrong side."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1986

3 Shows
Year Score: 8
Average Score: 2.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S17E1

SHOW 51

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1986
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Tattooist Mistake --- The Love Ship --- Fortune-Teller
The Bucket --- Biblical Soap Opera --- Chez When
Benny Hill: Sexist? --- R. Dibble Handyman

"You never hear of masculinists. Perhaps there's no such word. Perhaps the masculine equivalent of a feminist is a male chauvinist pig. It's a bit unfair. You never hear about female chauvinist sows, do you?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S17E2

SHOW 52

Originally broadcast: 31 March 1986
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
No Bra Underneath --- Greatest Hits Medley --- Living the Dream
The Herd --- Come To the Cabaret --- Discrimination
Benny Hill: Sex Symbol --- European Television --- Rembrandt

"I mean, there are times if you could see me and you wouldn't think it was a lot of fun when I'm sort of... banging away at my tripewriter... typewriter."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S17E3

SHOW 53

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1986
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Left My Wallet at Home --- Bijou Burlesque --- Benny's Quickies XXVIII
Funny Old World --- Benny's Quickies XXIX --- Proverbs
Doctor on the Go --- The New York Slob --- The Sketch Editors
Which Way to Bath? --- Sex Drive --- Cagney & Lacey
Hospital Hi-Jinx

"He said, 'Each man to his trade for we are not all made the same',
'Evil Knievel is glad when he misses his last bus',
I said, 'I once saw a nun fall down and she landed on top of a clown',
'Would you call that virgin on the ridiculous'."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

1988

2 Shows
Year Score: 10
Average Score: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S18E1

SHOW 54

Originally broadcast: 13 January 1988
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXX --- Brooklyn Benny --- The Halitosis Kid
Celebrity Menu --- A Night On the Tiles --- Outdoor Games
Benny's Quickies XXXI --- National Smile Week

"Anne Diamond is a sheep's head... with the brains taken out."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S18E2

SHOW 55

Originally broadcast: 27 April 1988
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXXII --- Bronco Benny --- Benny's Quickies XXXIII
Joggers --- Birds of a Feather --- Have a Butchers
Club Chicago-Go --- Benny's Quickies XXXIV --- Death to El Presidente

"I let Gloria Gaynor little but of weight,
As we picnicked by Joan Rivers,
If I could get my burly chest up close to Shirley Bassey,
I would boogie till my Googie Withers."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

1989

3 Shows
Year Score: 15
Average Score: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S19E1

SHOW 56

Originally broadcast: 8 February 1989
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXXV --- Cockney Girls & Rustic Lasses
Birthday Party --- The Daily Scuttle --- Memory Loss
Sport --- After Dinner Speech --- Dog Bite --- Pregnant Women
The Crook Report

"Twenty year old Peggy Sue wed of bloke of ninety-two,
The old boy died of ecstasy he did,
It took the undertakers seven days to wipe the smile from off his face,
And another two to close the coffin lid."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S19E2

SHOW 57

Originally broadcast: 5 April 1989
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXXVI --- Anna Maria --- Benny's Quickies XXXVII
Heroes Through the Ages --- Ancient Rome --- Crime Scene
Replacement Waiter For a Dinner Party
The Seven Foolish Virgins... Well, Six Anyway
Benny's Quickies XXXVIII --- Jungle Antics

"A tourist complained to Maria,
'These sweetbreads are tiny and thin',
Maria said, 'Sure, but respected senor',
'You see, sometimes the bull wins'."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S19E3

SHOW 58

Originally broadcast: 1 May 1989
Directed by: Dennis Kirkland
Written by: Benny Hill

SKETCHES:
Benny's Quickies XXXIX --- Pepys's Diary --- Benny's Quickies XL
The Good Guys --- Marriage Guidance --- Benny Hill: The Single Life
TV Show Titles --- You're Next --- School Master --- Gone Fishing

"Not the muck that she serves out. She's got a block belt in cookery. She can kill you with one chop."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

BENNY HILL

ALFRED HAWTHORNE HILL
21 January 1924 – 20 April 1992

SOME OF HIS CHARACTERS:

FRANKENSTEIN'S
MONSTER

in... The Sound of Frankenstein (S1E4)

DICKIE
DIDO

in... Dickie Dido: Rachel (S2E2)

MR. CHOW
MEIN

in... At Home with Henry McGee (S3E1)

MRS.
SMILEY

in... Meeting People With Hugh Paddick (S4E1)

FRED
SCUTTLE

in... Scuttle's Escorts (S5E4)

SISSY

in... Long Dry Summer (S6E1)

FANNEE
CLADDOCK

in... Cooking Chinese Food at Home (S7E3)

PAM
AYRES

in... Pet Poetry (S8E1)

MARY
O'HAIRY

in... The South Blank Show (S9E1)

COUNT
DRACULA

in... Wondergran Meets Dracula (S10E2)

NICOLA
PARSONS

in... Women's Lib Television (S11E1)

MR.
HIDE

in... Wondergran Meets Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide
(S12E1)

KENNY
ROGERS

in... The Monte Carbolic Show (S13E2)

ARNOLD
FUDPACKER

in... Superteech (S14E1)

STUPID
CUPID

in... Stupid Cupid (S15E1)

B.A.
BARACUS

in... The B-Team (S16E1)

REMBRANDT

in... Rembrandt (S17E2)

THE HALITOSIS
KID

in... The Halitosis Kid (S18E1)

ROGER
CROOK

in... The Crook Report (S19E1)

HENRY
McGEE

45 episodes
(1969-1989)
in... At Home with Henry McGee (S2E4)

JACKIE
WRIGHT

43 episodes
(1969-1985)
in... Scuttle's Securitity (S4E3)

BOB
TODD

41 episodes
(1970-1989)
in... Fun in the Kitchen (S3E1)

SUE
UPTON

HILL'S ANGELS
28 episodes (1977-1989)
in... New York, New York (S11E3)

JON JON
KEEFE

22 episodes
(1973-1989)
in... Ella-May (S5E4)

KEN
SEDD

21 episodes
(1969-1984)
in... A Tribute to the Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade v.2 (S12E2)

JENNY LEE
WRIGHT

20 episodes
(1971-1986)
in... Sum Awards (S8E1)

LOUISE
ENGLISH

HILL'S ANGELS
20 episodes (1978-1986)
in... Madame Louise Summer Collection (S11E2)

THE LADYBIRDS

17 episodes
(1969-1974)

BELLA
EMBERG

15 episodes
(1971-1982)
in... A Story Told Many Ways (S5E2)

LORRAINE
DOYLE

LOVE MACHINE, HILL'S ANGELS
13 episodes (1977-1989)
in... Oddball's Club Cabaret (S16E2)

*also a one-off member of 'Love Machine'

NICHOLAS
PARSONS

11 episodes
(1969-1974)
in... Is This Your Life? (S1E2)

CYRIL
CROSS

10 episodes
(1978-1985)
in... The Scarlet Pimple (S11E1)

LEN
KEYES

10 episodes
(1974-1986)
in... The Workout (S15E2)

SAMANTHA
SPENCER-LANE

HILL'S ANGELS
10 episodes (1980-1986)
in... New York, New York (S11E3)

ABIGAIL
HIGGINS

HILL'S ANGELS
10 episodes (1979-1985)
in... Love For Sale (S10E3)

LEE
GIBSON

9 episodes
(1973-1981)
in... Mad About You (S4E4)

ANNA
DAWSON

9 episodes
(1975-1989)
in... The Love Ship (S17E1)

ROGER
FINCH

9 episodes
(1978-1981)
in... Lean On My Crutch (S6E2)

LESLEY
GOLDIE

9 episodes
(1970-1974)
in... A Tribute to the Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade (S2E2)

CONNIE
GEORGES

9 episodes
(1969-1973)
in... Woodstick (S4E1)

EDDIE
BUCHANAN

8 episodes
(1975-1977)
in... Jack & Jill on Television (S7E1)

JENNY
WESTBROOK

8 episodes
(1975-1989)
in... The Bionic Baby (S8E1)

RITA
WEBB

8 episodes
(1969-1980)
in... Peeping George (S8E3)

SUE
BOND

8 episodes
(1970-1973)
in... A Tribute to the Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Fire Brigade (S2E2)

ALISON
BELL

HILL'S ANGELS
8 episodes (1979-1985)
in... Hotel Splendide (S13E1)

JEROLD
WELLS

8 episodes
(1971-1989)
in... Scuttle's Escorts (S5E4)

JADE
WESTBROOK

HILL'S LITTLE ANGELS
7 episodes (1984-1989)
in... On the Beach (S15E1)

ERICA
LUDLOW/LYNLEY

HILL'S ANGELS
7 episodes (1978-1985)
in... The Workout (S15E2)