British Comedy: A Sharp Intake of Breath

Years: 1977-1981
Broadcaster: ITV (ATV)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Ronnie Taylor, Vince Powell,
Kenneth Cope, Leslie Duxbury
Stars: David Jason, Jacqueline Clarke
Episodes: 21 (+pilot)
Episode Average: 5.273*

BEST EPISODES:
Your Very Good Health (1979), Your Life in Their Hands (1978)

*including pilot

PILOT

(1977)

PILOT

A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH

Originally broadcast: 28 July 1977
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter Barnes changes the subject when his wife talks about a new porch,
the builder wastes little time in turning the job into an expensive project, and the bank manager demands collateral when he asks for a small loan.

"Do it? Oh, we can do it, but you'll be chucking good money after bad. See this? Mildew. Seeping up from the foundations. Know what that means? You son't want a porch out there, you want a rowing boat."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES ONE

(1978)
6 episodes
Series Score: 39
Episode Average: 6.50
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

YOUR LIFE IN THEIR HANDS

Originally broadcast: 20 February 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

A worried Sheila tells Peter that he should go for a full medical check-up, an annoying patient points him in the direction of the reception window, and the doctor complains when he finds the wrong man in front of him.

"Number five? Is that all they're up to? There's another thirteen to go before it's my turn. You know, you could come in here with nappy rash and leave with a beard."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

HAPPY MOTORING

Originally broadcast: 27 February 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Sheila's driving lessons have to be put on hold when the car won't start, a pair of mechanics quickly identify a long list of unexpected faults, and Peter deals with customers when he tries to pick it up from the garage.

"Oh, I wish you wouldn't be so dramatic, Peter, why must you turn the engine over? Why can't you crawl underneath like everybody else does?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

SOMEWHERE IN THE SUN

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter tries to book a last-minute holiday after asking for time off in June, a bus conductor advises him against an unfinished hotel in Majorca, and Sheila insists on packing enough shoes to give her the pleasure of choice.

"Four stars? I wouldn't give it half a twinkle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

SEE YOU IN COURT

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Kenneth Cope

Sheila packs her bags after Peter's drunken boss gets into bed with her, his friends tell him to forget reconciliation when she lists her demands, and his solicitor informs him that he has no chance of winning the case.

"Yeah, two sets of footprints all the way to the greenhouse. Yeah, her mother said, 'Why don't you make a feature of it? You know, pretend they're fairy footsteps. Make a garden gnome. I promised to use her as a mould."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

THE GASMAN COMETH

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Leslie Duxbury

Sheila looks into whether the oil central heating can be converted to gas, Peter's horrified when a gasman shows up far earlier than expected, and things get worse when a metre arrives before he even agrees to a supply.

"Hey, who do these belong to? Look. Kermit the Frog?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

SEVEN YEAR HITCH

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1978
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter and Sheila return to the hotel where they spent their honeymoon, a waiter offers to help when they arrive too late to eat in the restaurant, and they both get locked out of their room after deciding to take a bath.

"It's not a revolving door, that's a Wall of Death."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1979)
6 episodes
Series Score: 34
Episode Average: 5.67
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

YOUR MOVE

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Sheila decides that she wants to move house after six long weeks of DIY, Peter has to make his escape after breaking into a newly built house, and an estate agent refuses to listen when he arrives to take measurements.

"Is this intentional or are you allowing for subsidence?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

YOUR VERY GOOD HEALTH

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter is rushed to hospital with a fractured fibula after falling off a fork, a sister causes alarm when she insists on helping him to go to the toilet, and the patient proves to be very difficult when it comes to medication.

"I'm just trying to light his whiff."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

WHERE THERE'S A WILL

Originally broadcast: 5 March 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Sheila ropes Peter in to help with the running buffet when her aunt dies, the vicar points out that there was an understanding about her will, and a relative arrives with a piano when her house is completely cleared out.

"Urn? Which Ern? The one with short fat hairy legs?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

ANOTHER LITTLE DRINK

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter tries to get away from the pub so he can take Sheila to the cinema, finding his car blocked in leads to a series of unfortunate problems, and his eventual journey home only gets him as far as the local police station.

"Would you like me to pop it for you, would you?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

THE SQUARE ON THE HYPOTENUSE

Originally broadcast: 19 March 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

A stranger in the pub pours his heart out about his complicated love life, Peter's forced into helping out when the man's wife and girlfriend arrive, and Sheila's left fuming after she speaks to her husband's other woman.

"Sugar? That's sweet, isn't it?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

WHAT ABOUT THE WORKERS?

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1979
Directed by: Les Chatfield
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

A maintenance man refuses to put lubricant on a squeaky conveyor belt, the shop steward isn't happy when Peter fixes the problem himself, and his boss visits him at home when the union prepare for industrial action.

"What start and stop it? Ha, child's play, I can do it in me sleep. Matter of fact, I did the other night, confused the wife no end."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES THREE

(1980)
3 episodes
Series Score: 15
Episode Average: 5.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

THE SPARE PART

Originally broadcast: 4 January 1980
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter has to pay £15 when Sheila calls someone out to mend the washer, the repairman tells him that he can get a new outlet seal from Scotland, and collecting the parcel from the train station proves to be a nightmare.

"We don't lose parcels, mate! We might accidentally misdirect a few. We've even a few delayed in transit that are rerouted to places that they don't come back from. But lose one? Not us."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

JUST CAUSE OR IMPEDIMENT

Originally broadcast: 11 January 1980
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter needs a morning suit when his friend asks him to be his best man, the last-minute change of plan leaves him with a very limited choice, and the groom has to be calmed down when he starts having serious doubts.

"Never mind about the salesman! Drop your slacks, you bounder!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

LOOK WHO'S COMING FOR EVER

Originally broadcast: 18 January 1980
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Ronnie Taylor

Peter has to put his father-in-law up while Sheila's brother is on holiday,
the amount of belongings he brings with him suggests a longer stay, and an article about the population leads to a question about grandchildren.

"I'm not being rude, I'm looking for the soap!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES FOUR

(1981)
6 episodes
Series Score: 22
Episode Average: 3.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

WHEELS

Originally broadcast: 11 January 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Peter's managing director tasks him with delivering the chairman's car,
taking it out for a spin sees him get arrested with a group of protesters, and Sheila has to make excuses when the owner turns up unexpectedly.

"Oh, good morning, Mr. Misery... uh, Mr. Morris."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

MATCH OF THE DAY

Originally broadcast: 18 January 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Peter accidentally posts his ticket for the England v West Germany game, a policeman warns him not to climb a fence at an engineering works, and Sheila delivers the final blow after she leaves a note out for the milkman.

"No, it was very nice actually, it was a lovely evening. I enjoyed it myself. Here, that reminds me, did I happen to mention anything about
PHWOAR-TBALLS!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

THE TRAIN NOW STANDING

Originally broadcast: 25 January 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Sheila points out that it's time for the monthly trip to visit her parents,
a vending machine at the train station dishes out too much coffee, and Peter heads to London to make a complaint about a cancelled service.

"Enquiries, good morning... Yes, madam, you can take your little doggy on the train... I can't ask the train driver to stop halfway so your doggy can have a tinkle... Well, I don't know. Hang him out the window."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY

Originally broadcast: 1 February 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Peter plans a night of pleasure when Sheila goes to visit her sick mother, his friend bets him that he can't pick up a bit of crumpet in the pub, and being fixed up with a very tall woman leads to problems at a restaurant.

"No, no, the mother-in-law, mother-in-law. I wouldn't call my wife a silly old bag, would I? A silly old cow maybe, but..."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

THE WEEKEND

Originally broadcast: 8 February 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Peter accepts an army pal's generous offer of a weekend in the country, Sheila's far from pleased when she sees the size of the accommodation, and a shortage of conversation makes things more than a little awkward.

"Oh, sh... sh... Sheila! Oh, no!"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

REAR WINDOW

Originally broadcast: 15 February 1981
Directed by: Stuart Allen
Written by: Vince Powell

Peter is given the cold shoulder when he goes to meet new neighbours, an accident after he locks himself out leaves him with a sprained ankle, and the police are called when Sheila laughs off a story about a murder.

"Well, that's typical that is, isn't it? Typical! You can strangle your wife as long as your road tax is up to date."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

PETER BARNES

Played by David Jason
22 episodes (1977-1981)
in... See You in Court (S1E4)

SHEILA BARNES

Played by Patricia Brake
1 episodes (1977)
in... Pilot (-)

Played by Jacqueline Clarke
21 episodes (1978-1981)
in... Your Move (S2E1)

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

09 - - 10

11 - - 12

13 - - 14

15 - - 16

01. Mr. Ramskill- A Sharp Intake of Breath (Pilot)
02. Dr. Macburney - Your Life in Their Hands (S1E1)
03. Mr. Myers - Happy Motoring (S1E2)
04. Mr. Fitch - Somewhere in the Sun (S1E3)
05. Mr. Fraser - See You in Court (S1E4)
06. Jack Wainwright - The Gasman Cometh (S1E5)
07. Mr. Kerr - Seven Year Hitch (S1E6)
08. Perkins - Your Move (S2E1)
09. Dr. Condon - You Very Good Health (S2E2)
10. Rev. Ernest Plummley - Where There's a Will (S2E3)
11. Police Doctor - Another Little Drink (S2E4)
12. Superintendent Redway - The Square on the Hypotenuse (S2E5)
13. Mr. Cotterill - What About the Workers? (S2E6)
14. Henshaw - The Spare Part (S3E1)
15. Basil Dawson - Just Cause or Impediment (S3E2)
16. Dad - Look Who's Coming for Ever (S3E3)

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

09 - - 10

11 - - 12

01. Arthur Clegg - Your Life in Their Hands (S1E1)
02. Terry - Happy Motoring (S1E2)
03. Jackson - Somewhere in the Sun (S1E3)
04. Brian - See You in Court (S1E4)
05. Simon Wilson Albert - The Gasman Cometh (S1E5)
06. Albert - Seven Year Hitch (S1E6)
07. Wilson - Your Move (S2E1)
08. Jack Dyson - You Very Good Health (S2E2)
09. Alec - Where There's a Will (S2E3)
10. Frank Grant - Another Little Drink (S2E4)
11. Barry - The Square on the Hypotenuse (S2E5)
12. Les Buckley - What About the Workers? (S2E6)