250 Of My Favorite Films From The 80's, y'all

Okay, I gotta be honest here....
there are a couple of reasons why I like this movie so much.
And both of them have to do with Adrienne Barbeau.

  Rutger Hauer stars as a blind war vet who gives up the way ofthe gun and instead, takes up the way of the sword.
  Now if memory serves me correctly,
this movie was based off of a Japanese film about a popular character over there in Japan, called Zatoichi. I think.
  I'm not sure.
  I mean, I could probably look it up,
but like Blind Fury and Zatoichi, I too am totally blind.
And if that makes any of you wonder just how the hell I am able to type these comments,
well, let's just say that, I first begin by relying on my heightened instincts, then
I just let my fingers tap at the keyboards and hope for the best.

    Once, when I was engaging with a couple of fellow cinephiles about some of the best exports to have ever come out from Australian cinema, someone mentioned this one "Crocidile Dundee". I was kinda startled by that answer, not just because it seem like a rather lightweight choice (despite its  surprise blockbuster status when it was released), but also because it's a film that I had totally forgotten about (despite, again, its surprise blockbuster status when it was released).
  But the more I thought about it, I came to see that the only part that I can remember from this flick is Linda Kozlowski in a thong! So I decided to watch it again, see if maybe there was more to it than just a sexy scene that I barely could recall or that it was about an Autrailian outbacker with a really big "knoif". 
  After giving it a proper rewatch, the truth is, while I still don't understand the cultural phenomenom that it became for fifteen minutes in the mid-80's, it's laid back Australian charm did become a little bit more clear to me. Maybe not enough to get a higher spot on my list, but still a spot on the list none the less. 

   I like the first first blood movie so much that I have it listed in my top favorite films of 1982.
 However, starting with this one, Rambo:FBP2, Sly's crazy ex-soldier character easily crossed over that fine line of realism and over the top action and just sorta became more of a cartoon-like character of violence that he's since become famous for.



  That said, for all the bloated brawny ridiculousness that has infested this franchise, I've been able to accept this second chapter of his journey for justice for forgotten vets as the fiery explosion-laden popcorn escapist fare that it is.
  But don’t get me wrong., that doesn't mean I have to like any of the sequels that followed up after this one. For me, those all still suck.

In an age where we now have film series like Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter, Excalibur may seem, by today's cinema standards, as incredibly small (not to mention, kinda mashed) potatoes.
But still,
for a kid like me, who was craving for any film with a fantasy flare, despite the time-period's lack of CGI technology,
Excalibur tried it's best to approach the belief-suspending subject matter with an epic sense of integrity.
I'm not sure it holds as well as other works of the early to mid 80's (Ladyhawke, Legend, etc.),
but still, there's enough of gleaming knighthood and swordsmanship in this flick for me to appreciate it's appropriate place in the genre.

   Count Dracula is looking to become king of the world. And not in that Titanic sort of way, either. The Baron Of Bloodsuckers wants to plunge the planet into eternal darkness, but in order to do so, he seeks to round up a "universal" band of fellow creature colleagues to make his undead dream come true.
   Despite being labeled a comedy horror flick, The Monster Squad takes the premise of the monster rally (a term used to describe any film in which is featured the iconic creature characters of Drakky, Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolfman and The Gill-Man) and treats it with a much more serious tone than one would expect from this kind of movie. And for me, a hardcore horror fan who was really getting fed up with the amount of "cheese" that too many filmmakers of scary cinema were relying on at this point, that is what made this Squad well worth its weight in graveyard shifts.

Fred, a small time safe-cracker, stumbles through life down in the subterranean passages of the Paris Metro, along with a "secret society" of fellow eccentrics who share his "passion" for petty crimes, stylistic clothes and avante garde music.
Starring the Highlander guy and with a look that has
been described as "visually vibrant", Subway is an artistically French underground movie about the French who like to live artistically underground.

During one of the driest spells in terms of quality for werewolf movies, 1981 proved to be a good year for moonlit monsters. For it had not just one film that showed that the subject wolfmen made for good modern cinema, but two; American Werewolf In London and this one, The Howling.
And while Howling may not be as famous as American Werewolf for it's groundbreaking special effects depicting the transformation from man to beast, it still held it's own in helping to show that when it comes to depicting the horror of lycanthropy on the big screen, the myth of man-wolf was still a force to be feared and revered.

When you look at all the destruction and chaos that Zues & Co. release down on our humble planet just outta petty jealousy and pride, it really reveals the truth behind the old saying, "The gods must be crazy".



While I'm not usually a big fan of movie remakes,
for me, the original Clash, is an excellent example of a classic that would greatly benefit from today's special effects technology (which it did when it remade in 2010, altho the story in that update didn't hold up s well to the more modern tastes of today's fantasy-adventurers).
I'd really like to see alot of these old stop-motion flicks of yesteryear get the updated treatment that many of us as children could only dream of back when these films were first released.
But even with that said,
it doesn't change the fact that, as cheeseball as they were,
most of these ultra-fantasy originals will always hold a special place in my heart, basically just because they were a part of my childhood.

I first saw this movie a little more than a decade after it was first released (so I missed the whirlwind of hype that surrounded it).
And all I can say is, while it wasn't bad, & overall I found the film enjoyable,
in the end, there were still some parts of the plot that really gave me a feel for a need for speed.
And I'm referring to the amphetamine, not the velocity.

Enemy Mine is a film that starts out as a "bad alien" movie and then evolves into a "good alien" movie by intergalactically pondering the question of "Why can't we all just get along?"
The truth is, no matter what planet one is from, when it comes to reaching racial harmony, even on an interplanetary scale, we all need to follow Jerry Seinfeld's advice and try to take a bite out of both sides of the black and white cookie.
Look to the cookie.
We must all look to the cookie.
Oh, and to all you sci-fi geeks out there,
that's cookie,
not wookie.
So don't start looking towards Chewbacca for any kind of sage words on the subject.

I don't care what anybody says.
On this site, I'm sure that it's cool for a dude to admit to liking this movie.
Right guys?



uhmnn...

....guys....?

Prince's ex-nasty girl, Vanity teams up with a dragon that can catch bullets with his teeth.
Sho-Nuff.

It's the year 1997 (well, actually, it's 1981, the year that this movie was released....but the plot for this flick takes place in the future, in 1997.... which at the time of this writing, is actually the past...) and the city of New York has been converted into a giant prison, because in the not-so-distance future (which, at the time you're reading is the past...) crime has become an epidemic of national proportions. And if that wasn't bad enough for the people living in 1997 (again, their future, our past...), Air Force One has crashed right into the middle of the rotten Big Apple thus entrapping the President of the United States at it's core.
So the government turns to soldier-turned criminal Snake Plisskon for help. They promised him a full presidential pardon, but only if he can save the Prez and save the day. Thus begins the quest to get out of New York and into the annals of cult movie history.

Yo, look everybody! It a young hot Phoebe Cates, in a bikini and iconically soaking wet!
Also featuring Sean Penn as one of the first surfers d00ds of the 80's that would lead other slacker-filled films like Bill and Ted's and what not.
Plus, not only was this was Cameron Crowe's first film, but Ridgemont High was also the setting for some of the earliest appearances of budding stars like Nicolas Cage, Forrest Whitaker, Eric Stolz and Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Oh, and did I mention that it features the groundbreaking iconic bikini shot of a wet Phoebe Cates?

In this third installment of the Vacation series, the adventures the Griswolds continues during the time of gift-giving and carefree carolling. And in keeping with their family tradition, they find that no matter what season it is, their luck is always gonna be bad.
Yuletide holiday merriment and cheer from back during a period when Chevy Chase was considered to be a comedian cooler than Santa Clause. Not to mention, this was also a time when he was actually, believe it or not, kinda funny.

Here's a movie that is also known as the "The McPherson Tape" but was originally planned to be called "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner", until they found out that that title had already been taken.
A Thanksgiving family get-together gets interrupted by big-eyed visitors from, well... I'm sure most of you know by now where this is going.



Upon deeper reflection of this film's holiday theme, I think that the story here might be an allegory of what happened to the Native Americans after they had the Pilgrims (i.e. White man) over for a turkey dinner. The McPherson family is supposed to represent the Natives and the aliens, the white man.
But I'm not sure.
I may have just made that up to sound allegorically astute for this post.

Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman, stars in this film as a playwrite who comes to learn that writing plays is not his only gift. But also, that he possesses the super-human ability to self-hypnotize himself through time, and thus capture a heart of a love that exists somewhere else in time.
Or maybe the superpower is on the ravishing Jane Seymour's end. A classical actress who's luminous beauty is enough not only to stop time but to travel through it, too.
Hey, there's an effective bar pick-up line in their somewhere.

Going to school in New York can be alot fun.
Especially, if during lunch, everyone is allowed not only to break out into song and dance, but also, to then spill out into the busy streets of the Big Apple, without inciting a riot.
It's no wonder that people back then wanted to live forever.
Makes miss the innocence of the early 80's.
Not to mention the headbands, leg-warmers and stylishly torn sweatsuits.
Let's get physical, y'all.

A teenage kid discovers that the video game he has mastered is secretly a celestial training simulation program, when he is notified by an alien who reveals to him that he is a gunner/star-soldier in an intergalactic war between good and evil.
So, to all you video gamers out there, don't listen to society when it tries to convince you that all those hours spent on your x-box, gameboy or psp will eventually accumulate into a vast amount of wasted life.
For all anybody knows, you could very well be the last starfighter.

Therefore,
feel free to grab your wii and play with yourself as much as you like.
The future of the galaxy may depend on it.

After the Disneyfication of Alice In Wonderland, now considered a classic in Uncle Walt's early efforts at full feature cartoon flicks, many people have forgotten or are completely unaware that "Lewis Carroll's" original version of the story had a bit more of an edge to it.
This film adaptation from the Czech Republic is a depiction that is much closer to the author's original intent and employs a creative use of stop-motion animation in a manner that enriches the premise of the story.
With it's myriad onslaught of fluid moving puppetry and "action figures", along with it's dark undercurrents, this Alice is one that captivates movies viewers of a matured sense of imagination while at the same time, it may satisfyingly add a touch of disturbance to the experience of those younger audiences who are used to a more fluffy romp inside the rabbit hole.

The year is 1984, and screenwriter John Hughes has directed his first full length feature, called Sixteen Candles. It stars early adolescent newcomers Molly Ringwald, John Cusack and a very scrawny Anthony Michael Hall, in a coming of age film about the awkwardness that comes with, well..... coming of age.
And from here on end, teenage movies of the 80's will never be the same.

Christopher Walken with a superpower other than his mad acting skillz, yo.
Or his crazy dancing skillz, yo.

A movie with a story involving a sinking boat with Billy Zane as a villainous villain who terrorizes another man's woman.
And yeah, while that may sound like a familiar plotline for a disaster at sea flick, the fact that the boat in question is no bigger than a tool shed and with no iceberg in sight, it becomes quite obvious that this is a film that was not directed by James Cameron.

Scarface is one of those rare times for an actor where his over-the-top performance is considered so perfect for what the role requires, that it's almost impossible to imagine it done in any other fashion.
Pacino is brutal, heartless and violent, not just in the way he handles the character, but also with the way he manhandles the Cuban accent of the character (something he does again with the Puerto Rican dialect, but not with as much of an iconic effect, in 1997's Carlito's Way).



But even such a flaw in delivery is not enough to distract the viewer from following the pyrrhic journey of a drug kingpin who literally started out literally as nothing and yet ends up with everything the excess-ridden and violent drug-world has to offer. In other words, this film is the story of a bad guy. The kind of bad guy that people need so that they can point their f#$kin' fingers and say "That's the bad guy".
As the movie tagline says: "He loved the American Dream. With a Vengeance."

America's number one crop is corn. America's number one pasttime is baseball. Put the two together and what do you get?
Yep, that's right.... a field of the American dream.
Or this movie.
Which, when you think about it, I guess are they're close enough to be the same thing.

After a heavy influx of John Hughes teenage romances throughout the 80's, it was pretty easy for a film look-alike such as Say Anything to get lost in the shuffle. At least at the time it looked like it was lost in the shuffle. I'm not too sure. I don't think I paid as much attention to things like that back then. Anyways, one thing I do remember is that it did make it on alot of critic's best lists (which is usually a sign that it did get lost in the shuffle box-office-wise) for films of 1989.
But even if you're one of those movie-viewers who can't stand film critics and their lists, it doesn't mean you shouldn't give a movie like this a try. You might like it. And if you don't, well before you decide to criticize it, remember what your mom always used to say...
"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything."

How does a movie have a female dwarf play the role of a male dwarf and pull it off? Easy. Film it on the year of living dangerously.



Mel Gibson, riding on a fast train to super stardom, teams up once again with fellow Aussie mate, director Peter Weir, along with another rising star, Sigourny Weaver, in the international melodrama depicting the Indonesia Coup of 1965.
And I gotta admit, I'm one of those people who knew absolutely nothing about any Indonesian coup from the sixties until I saw this film.
I guess if I spent more time studying foreign history than I did watching movies, then I'd be more knowledgable about this kind of stuff.
But then again, that would probably mean that I wouldn't be here on this site, enjoying and sharing fave film lists with all of you wonderful people.

A decade earlier, animator Ralph Bakshi introduced animation for adults with the very adult Fritz The Cat.
With each film he made after that, even though he continued to produce cartoon cinema aimed towards a much more matured audience, he had begun moving towards a more mainstream type of animated flick.
And even though I felt that he never really fully achieved the ultimate potential of where he was headed with his work, American Pop seemed to be the result of his accumulated efforts.
A mini-epic that follows the musical family tree of one family through the ages, it's cohesive storytelling and down-to-earth, gritty portrayal of decades long struggles, along with it's tight animation makes this my favorite of Bakshi's films.

One of the most important moments growing up for me as a huge comicbook nerd was the discovery of Heavy Metal, an anthology comic-magazine full of fantasy, futuristic and/or the emergin cyber-punkologic stories that were not restricted by those imposed upon more immature superheroic fare.
When the movie came out, even though it lacked the technical strength of more general-audience targeted animated features, in it I saw the potential for the kind of creative diversity and no-holds barred story telling that I had experienced in the magazine. It is definitely flawed, and even more definitely not for everybody, but it is, a vehicle for anyone interested in looking for something that is not the same ol' same ol' and with an interesting anthology theme whose rock'roll/sci-fi/animated integrated format is bound by neither PC restrictions or by rules that result from the more kid-targeted genre.

  In 1940's Japan, cultures are clashing at the same time that two kindred spirits are connecting when a young rebellious American soldier is admitted to a prison camp. The Japanese prison commanders believe in the way of the samurai, death before dishonor, while the Americans believe in that there is no shame in surviving in order to stand up for one's ideals.



  Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence is a war drama that stars music icon David Bowie, who, after a few awkward starts in cinema, is now beginning to settle into the role of a lead actor in a career move that could be described as more down to earth for a man whose fame was formally based on that of a stardusty space oddity.

Through the combination of ingesting mushrooms and confining himself within an isolation tank, a scientist finds himself devolving into not just a neanderthal state, but into an actual neanderthal.
It's funny how I can do the exact same thing whenever I take psychedelic drugs while locked away in my room, all by myself.
And I ain't no scientist.

Okay, so maybe, the latest incarnations of the Dark Knight have sort of watered down the impact of the Caped Crusader's modern film debut.
And maybe, Jack Nicholson, for the role of the Joker was a little too old, not to mention, not in the kind of shape that one would expect for a Clown-Prince of Crime.
But for me, personally, this isn't so much about the acting (which I admit, despite the fun he has with it, Jack does tend to opt for a bit of an over-the-top performance, even for the Joker....) but more for the weight that his presence brings to the flick. In the same manner of Marlon Brando's participation in Superman's 1st big budget blockbuster, Nicholson also brings a certain class and credibility to a movie based off of a what the "cool kids" of the general public tend to look at as "just a silly comic-book".
Besides, Tim Burton's adaptation of the Batman still was the first serious effort outside of the comic-book to try and depict ol' Bat's as the true Dark Knight of justice that we nerds who read his comics always knew he was.

Even though I acknowledge Mariel Hemingway's beauty, the truth is, she never really did anything for me. With the exception of this movie. In Star 80, she's pretty damn stunning as Dorothy Stratten, a real-life Playboy bunny who eventually is murdered by her estranged husband.
Of a worthy note is the role of the husband, played by Eric Roberts. Roberts is mostly known as two things; being Julia's brother and as a star in many, many B movies. Which is kind of a shame when there are certain films, like this one, that show that given the proper role, Eric can really be an exceptional actor. And thus, the guy could've had as bright a star as his more respected sister if only he had a better agent.
I mean, seriously Eric.... Sharktopus?

Two guys, one bored with life, the other always on the lookout for a get-rich-quick scheme, work the late shift at a morgue.
One night, when the friendly neighboring hooker loses her pimp, they help her out of a jam by providing her and her colleagues with the services of a surrogate sugar daddy. Right there in the morgue.



Henry Wrinkler and Shelly Long, two stars known more for their television work, headline this stiffed-storied film affair, directed by then-newcomer Ron Howard and featuring an exceptionally excellent debut by Mr. Mom himself, Michael Keaton.

The tale of two d00ds who travel through time using a phone booth. Kinda like that one British guy, Doctor Who. But instead of doing it to stop evil forces from effin' up the time-stream, or to fight Daleks, Cybermen an' stuff, Bill and Ted do it because they're looking for historical figures, so that they too, in the future, can achieve their own destinies as historical figures. And also, because they gotta do a book report.

Back in the early 80's, I wasn't the biggest fan of anime. Even those few that reached a high level of acclaim had a hard time of gettiing me to sit through 'em.
Nausicaa Of The Valley Of The Wind was one of the first that finally began to open my eyes to the potential that lay within the paints and brushes that colored the cells of these films.
An ecological fable that treated it's premise with the maturity that's found in most adult oriented fantasy books and yet with the innocence of the Disney flicks, Nausicaa was able to strike a uniquely fine balance that appealed to kids and adults alike.

In Greentown Il, a carnival has come to town. And as the title of this movie implies, it has brought something wicked to the inhabitants of this small mid-western community. Will and Jim are two local boys who come to discover that part of that "something evil" includes an army of hairy tarantulas trying their best to replace the carpeting and wallpaper in their bedroom.

After starting craze after craze in the 1970's by going from a television rubber-hosing sweathog to a big-screen 50's era "Grease" ball, then to a foul-mouthed disco stepping dance-machine,
John Travolta enters the new decade by showing the world that he can still bring in big box office bucks by putting on yet another different kind of hat. This time around, he's a blue-collar, rough-ridin' urban cowboy, and the fad of mechanical bull bronking quickly takes honky tonk bars all over the country by storm.

When most people think film Noir, the first image tends of the gritty black & white mystery films that first popularized the genre.
And while there have been plenty of neo-noir titles to come along and continue the tradition,
rarely do the new ones capture the essence of dark atmosphere, traitorous seduction and sense of masterminded mystery that are central to this particular brand of crime caper.
Body Heat is a movie that not only succeeds in this, but even manages to exceed that balancing act by modernizing the genre with it's sultry script, color-dripping backdrop, and with the sweltering acting debut of modern femme fatale, Kathleen Turner.

In just one afternoon, Harry has met the love of his life.
However, he misses out on their first date when a power outage prevents his alarm clock from waking him up thus causing him to over sleep passed the rendevous time.
And if that wasn't bad enough, in an effort to call her and explain, Harry discovers information which indicates that the world will come to an apocalyptic end in just a few hours.
Boy, I tell ya,
If Harry's luck with love was any worse,
then he'd probably be me.

A pre-plastic surgery Mickey Rourke stars with Lisa Bonet along with a "special guest appearance" by Robert Deniro in this unforgettable neo-noir mystery that contains a plot which takes the kind of unexpected turn that can best be described as darker than Hell. And when I say "darker than Hell", I mean that literally.
Gotta love those twist endings that aren't afraid to go all the way.
And when I say "go all the way", I mean that literally.
And when I say "literally", I mean that literally.

BTW, If this entry description comes off as kinda vague, it's only b'cuz if I got more literal about this movie, I'd most likely be spoiling it.

Peggy Sue goes to her high school reunion and experiences a time-traveling faint that takes her back to an era when Jim Carrey was a mild-mannered teenager and before Nicolas Cage had hair that looked like an eagle's nest. Reliving her high school years, she now hopes to defy her destiny and rectify the decisions that led Peggy Sue to getting married.
And honestly speaking, in retrospect, isn't that a "left turn" that many of us at a certain age wish we could have avoided...?

Despite his penchant for telling others to "Live long and prosper", it turns out that Mr. Spock doesn't live as long or prosper as much as anyone expected.
But after the success of the second Star Trek movie, there was no way in a Klingon's star quadrant that producers were gonna let the Enterprise's commander and Captain Kirk's confidant stay dead for too long. And to make sure that the movie fans who flocked to the theaters the second time understood that, they put it right there in the film's title. Search For Spock made it clear that in some way that could only be explained through the science of the 23rd. Century, Kirk and his crew were gonna bring Spock back. Even if it meant traveling where no man has gone before.
Which is pretty much par for the course for these guys anyways.

   How does one gain the Universal Championship title belt for Total Badassery? Come from another planet, in full tilt sophisticated battle-gear and then proceed to kick the combined asses of "the Terminator", Apollo Creed", Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and that one guy who played one of the corrupt cops in Payback.  After that, in following sequels, take on another alien franchise.
 Not only will one gain the title of the "Kick-Ass King", but also, develope a cult following of testoserone worshipping sci-fi nerds who are willing to overlook the obvious flaws that come with the whole concept of a Predator from outer space. 

From the very beginning of the series, Saturday Night Live was continually introducing characters that were created specifically for the program's Not-Yet-Ready-For-Primetime players. And these creations finally start to prove themselves as bankable movie properties with the Blues Brothers, "Joliet" Jake and Elwood. Portrayed by Jim Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, they originated as a fictional soul revivalist band as a part of a musical sketch for the fledging late-nite weekend comedy show.



In their big screen debut, they are couple of orphan-raised white guys who soulfully sing the blues, regularly defy the law and like to drive at night wearing their sunglasses. Basically because they're on a mission from God.
It's safe to say that, as a non-religious person, I came to see the light when I realized that the Blues Brothers is probably my favorite spiritual film of all time.

And following Private Benjamin is another "girl power" flick" that took the theatres by storm during the first year of the 80's. This one is a tale about a trio of corporate ladder climbing cuties who kidnap their employer and hold him hostage in order to show him who really is the boss.



Y'know, after a recent watch of this film, I've come to realize that despite the artificially face-lifted freak that Dolly Parton has currently become,
9 To 5, her first foray into film, shows that, back in the day, she was stacked really pretty frikkin' hot.

And yeah, I'm aware that by saying that, I'm probably going against the idea of the "liberated woman in the workplace" theme that was the purpose of this movie,
but what can I say...? I'm a complicated man.
And as we all know by now, women dig complicated men.

Southern songstress Loretta Lynn is considered by many barnyarders as the Queen Of Country. Coal Miner's Daughter is a story that provides yet another example of how the rise to the very top is never a smooth ride.
Perfectly portrayed in both dialogue and song by Sissy Spacek, an actress who, at the time of filming, was riding her own skyrocket to success.
Even as a non-fan of country music, I felt engaged to this down-to-earth ditty of a simple backwards belle whose life-story would inspire the kind of lyrics that would eventually take her from being a humble honky-tonk act to a Grand Ol' Opry superstar.

Tim Burton's very first film is a black & white feature which tells the macabre tale of how a pet dog is bought back to life by his child owner. After the bull terrier gets killed by a car (the leading cause of death amongst canines, after old age), the young lad decides to a take a page out of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and resurrect the Spuds Mckenzie look-alike through the use of electricity. I guess mad scientists have figured out that electricity is spark of all life.
But that's not the point. What matters is a boy and his dog.
A bond that not even the Grim Reaper can hope to sever.
Well....he can....
but still, through the use of love and , well...y'know.... more electricity...
and probably some string, I guess...
the boy and his dog will can never be separated. For long.



Now that I think about it though,
when a kid's dog "bites it",
it seems to me that making a simple trip to the pet shop would really be a heck of alot easier than building a secret lab in the attic.

A recently widowed Jewish princess is convinced to join the Army, hoping that it will be akin to a nice tropical getaway. And, of course, quickly finds out the reality of the situation. A soldering process that eventually will bring the delusional diva down to Earth and mold her into a better person.



Private Benjamin is a movie that makes me wish that there was a law out there that take all of today's spoiled Paris-Hilton/Kardashian worshipping, Sex-In-The-City watching, entitlement-sensed female jackanapes and make 'em enlist into the armed forces with a double-timed term spent in basic training.