British Comedy: Fun at the Funeral Parlour

Years: 2001-2002
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Rhys Thomas
Stars: Rhys Thomas, William Thomas
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 6.538

BEST EPISODES:
The Balls of Doom (2002), Poltergoost (2002)

SERIES ONE

(2001)
6 episodes
Series Score: 38
Episode Average: 6.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

DEATH IN THE VALLEYS

Originally broadcast: 1 January 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor decides to revolution his funeral business by installing a telephone, Arwell's unhappy when his brother returns from a stretch in prison, and panic sets in when the body of the inventor of the top hat goes missing.

"No, it's just that I... I don't like the paranormal. Not after seeing that film. What's it called? Casper. That's the one. And the way he made that girl's head spin about like an owl. I don't want to get possessed and be up all night stabbing my rectum with a crucifix!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E2

THE JAWS OF DOOM

Originally broadcast: 8 January 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor hopes that a murderer might be the answer to his financial worries, the police announce that the deaths are actually the work of a wolf, and Percy comes up with a plan to keep a crazy hunter from killing the beast.

"I got a bulbous Thomas. You know what that means? I got a great idea."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S1E3

THE HERON INCIDENT

Originally broadcast: 15 January 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor announces that a celebrity will be in attendance at the next funeral, Arwell faces a race against time to make it to a Shakin' Stevens concert, and a night of drunkenness leaves the mourners waiting at the roadside.

"You'll end up short and bald with your tits hanging below your balls."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E4

THE MOUNTAINS OF DOOM

Originally broadcast: 22 January 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor's delighted when a mean bugger dies in a scooter rage incident, his wife insists on planting a tree and scattering his ashes on a lake, and a mountain hermit offers his medical expertise when Gwynne collapses.

"It wasn't horrible, it was lovely. Tasted like chicken. Apart from the sausages. Tasted like piss."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E5

BLUE ICE

Originally broadcast: 29 January 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor agrees to hire an apprentice to keep up with the summertime lurgy, a journalist goes undercover to investigate the world of funerals, and Percy learns why Arwell is being so secretive about his new girlfriend.

"Shut your swollen tits, you fat-ankled, sausage-picking beef riddance."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E6

DEAD AID

Originally broadcast: 5 February 2001
Directed by: Peter Boyd MacLean
Written by: Rhys Thomas

News that Shaking Stephens has died is thought to be a practical joke, Percy spots an opportunity to finally make it into show business, and Ivor has to decide whether to sell up after receiving a million dollar offer.

"A chap called Hunt, Isaac Hunt."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(2002)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 6.71
Perfect 10's: 2

S2E1

THE BALLS OF DOOM

Originally broadcast: 22 January 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Arwell worries that time is running out to find a wife and have children, love comes calling when a childhood sweetheart is killed by a tennis ball machine, and a private detective is sure that a corpse is having an affair.

"When I was with your mother and I felt my pipes were gonna blow too soon, I often thought about Popeye... and whether he'd had a stroke or not."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E2

POLTERGOOST

Originally broadcast: 29 January 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor looks forward to being named as the second best funeral directors in Trebanos, Percy suggests trying to communicate with the dead during a power cut, and Arwell becomes possessed by the spirit of John Merrick.

"Bollocks to John Denver! He can piss right off on his jet plane."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E3

A POCKET FULL OF GRAVEL

Originally broadcast: 5 February 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Arwell contacts social services to report a case of child mistreatment, Ivor's old flame asks him to personally oversee her husband's funeral, and a desperate search begins to find a cure for a fear of dead bodies.

"Take him to the pawn shop. He's probably worth a fortune now he's golden."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E4

GWYNNE'S MARVELLOUS MEDICINE

Originally broadcast: 12 February 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

A lack of business leaves a hole in the funeral parlour's finances, Arwell's chosen for a plan to distract a pair of travelling undertakers, and Percy manages to kidnap a group of very old people from the local hospice.

"Ah, meet the Rover Vitesse, the car of a champion. This baby can do nought to sixty in 43 seconds. It is the badger's bollocks."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E5

MAROONED

Originally broadcast: 19 February 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Ivor's paid £20,000 to recover the body of a reality show contestant, the only person willing to sail them to the island takes a shine to Arwell, and the big adventure soon turns into disaster when their boat floats away.

"See, I told you! They're nasty bastards, they ought to be locked up. They're vegetation's equivalent of Harold Shipman."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S2E6

DOG DAGO AFTERNOON

Originally broadcast: 26 February 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Gwynne's delighted when the family get him a tortoise for his birthday, Ivor gets a shock when his wife turns up at the door with her midget, and Percy suggests robbing a bank to stop her taking half of the business.

"She hasn't sent him a card for 18 years. I don't know how she can be like that. Bloody Spaniards. She's probably too busy churning paella, bullfighting and waxing her chest."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E7

MOIRA STUART AND THE CLOWN SYNDROME

Originally broadcast: 5 March 2002
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Percy ends up back behind bars after witnessing the murder of a clown, a manhunt begins when Moira Stuart is found to be hiding a little secret, and Arwell fills in the gaps after the FBI manage to miss the vital clues.

"Yeah, I don't like clowns. They give me the knickers. When I was a kid, they used to make my Brussels go funny."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

IVOR
THOMAS

Played by William Thomas
in... The Jaws of Doom (S1E2)

ARWELL
THOMAS

Played by Alex Lowe
in... The Mountains of Doom (S1E4)

PERCY
THOMAS

Played by Rhys Thomas
in... Dead Aid (S1E6)

GWYNNE
THOMAS

Played by Tony Way
in... The Heron Incident (S1E3)