British Comedy: Waiting for God

Years: 1990-1994
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Michael Aitkens
Stars: Graham Crowden, Stephanie Cole
Episodes: 47
Episode Average: 7.745

BEST EPISODES:
Sleeping Pills (1992), Welcome to Bayview (1990)

SERIES ONE

(1990)
7 episodes
Series Score: 57
Episode Average: 8.14
Perfect 10's: 2

S1E1

WELCOME TO BAYVIEW

Originally broadcast: 28 June 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana feels sure that a fruitcake has moved into the next apartment, Tom wastes little time before complaining about the food at Bayview, and the manager insists on doing what's right for the shareholders.

"It's cloying old fuddies like you that give the elderly a bad name. Trotting out your trite little homilies like some refugee from Reader's Digest. You might enjoy being a quaint old parody of a human being, but I've still got my balls, thank you very much."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E2

A TRIP TO BRIGHTON

Originally broadcast: 5 July 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane makes a mistake when she carelessly uses the term 'senior citizen', Harvey offers to look after the car keys for Diana's niece's Porsche, and Marion's disgusted at the thought of Tom spending time with a woman.

"Listen. You may fool your cretinous relatives with your dithery doodahs, but don't try it on me, you brain-dead old fish."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S1E3

CHEERING UP TOM

Originally broadcast: 12 July 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane struggles to hide her surprise when she spots a naked gardener, Tom's rushed to hospital when he has a health scare in the night, and Diana gets completely the wrong result when she tries to be cheerful.

"Diana, I'll have you know I trained for over three weeks to run this place."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E4

THE CHRISTENING

Originally broadcast: 19 July 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom receives an invite for the christening of his great-nephew, Diana's told that she might have to leave Bayview on medical grounds, and Jane finds herself having to make up for opening her mouth to Harvey.

"Do you know? You and I ought to go to some of these resorts. Parade naked up and down the beaches with placard saying, 'Hello, young people. We are your future'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

FRAULEIN MUELLER

Originally broadcast: 26 July 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane decides that she wants to become a nun after a visit from Jesus, a new member of staff makes it her mission to get Diana out of Bayview, and Tom gets upset when the piano is removed from the dining room.

"When you talk to God, why do you look into the treetops? Is God a squirrel?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

THE PSYCHIATRIST

Originally broadcast: 2 August 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom gets himself involved with a lovely young thing from California, Harvey tries to prove the mental incompetence of the most troublesome residents, and Diana hits a snag when she tries to steal her niece's car.

"A bit old? Well, maybe so, but it'll come, it'll come. Now the population's getting older, we'll soon have magazine like Playboy just for us. Playgranny. Pull-put pensioner of the month. Diana Trent, 38-38-38... whose hobbies are driving people up the wall and attending her friends' funerals."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E7

THE HELICOPTER

Originally broadcast: 9 August 1990
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom has a closer look at something interesting in an aerial photograph, Diana manages to impress a visiting Residents' Party councillor, and Geoffrey announces plans to buy the house next door to Bayview.

"You're a pensioner. You're supposed to be dead from the neck up and extra dead from the waist down."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1991)
10 episodes
Series Score: 79
Episode Average: 7.90
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

COUNSELLING FOR THE DYING

Originally broadcast: 5 September 1991
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana challenges God to prove that his existence by striking her down, Tom puts himself forward as a counsellor for residents who are close to death, and Basil wastes no time in getting to know a new resident.

"That's who they should put in the brochure, you know. Basil, the sex pistol. Never mind your counselling for the dying. Just tell the old ducks they'll get the best servicing this side of the grave, they'll be climbing over the walls."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E2

THE PARTITION

Originally broadcast: 12 September 1991
Directed by: Sue Bysh
Written by: Michael Aitkens

A lonely Tom struggles to see the point of bothering to get out of bed, Harvey's delighted at the outcome of the new introduction scheme, and Diana makes her feelings clear about the idea of getting shacked up.

"The building has at times been a monastery and a lunatic asylum. They've now managed to combine the two in this aberration known as Bayview Retirement Village for the Almost Dead."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E3

DAISY TAKES CHARGE

Originally broadcast: 18 September 1991
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane passes on a message about the immediate removal of the wall, Diana's new enemy starts imposing her ideas on the other residents, and an overheard conversation causes Harvey to consider the unthinkable.

"What? Come and huff and puff and blow my wall down?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E4

THE THIEF

Originally broadcast: 26 September 1991
Directed by: Sue Bysh
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana refuses to accept the idea that she's becoming absent-minded, Harvey gathers the residents to talk about a spate of thefts, and Tom finds himself accused of shoplifting while doing a bit of sleuthing.

"Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm sure. Hot walking sticks are big business round here. I expect they whip 'em off down a back alley, strip 'em down, change the serial number and flog 'em in Italy."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E5

TELL THE TRUTH

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1991
Directed by: Sue Bysh
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom goes a little too far in his effort to be truthful to everyone, Diana's offered an opportunity to get involved in the beauty salon business, and Jane gives herself a makeover in the hope of grabbing Harvey's attention.

"And what's the matter with your face? Has someone hit you with a hedgehog?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E6

THE HIP OPERATION

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1991
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom decides to visit Marion's new beauty salon for a facial, Diana has to have a hip operation after falling while hurling a brick, and Sarah wonders whether she's doing the right thing by getting married.

"Now, listen, Diana, I'm getting a little tired of this constant undermining of my authority here and furthermore... And furthermore, you're not even there."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E7

GLAMOROUS GRANNIES

Originally broadcast: 17 October 1991
Directed by: Sue Bysh
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom proves to be something of a genius when it comes to crosswords, Diana accepts a wager that involves being nice to people for a week, and bribery is seen as the best way for Betty to win a Caribbean cruise.

"Lovely frock, Jane. Hardly reminds me of a tart's curtains at all."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S2E8

FOREIGN WORKERS

Originally broadcast: 24 October 1991
Directed by: Sue Bysh
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane's told that she'll soon be replaced by somebody more cost effective, Tom gets carried away when he decides to start looking after his body, and Diana demands to know more about a community centre guru.

"Oh, God. Exit Goofy, enter Minnie Mouse."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E9

YOUNG PEOPLE

Originally broadcast: 31 October 1991
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane announces that students will be visiting Bayview as part of a new initiative, Marion worries about being ravaged by hitchhikers, and Harvey looks to the 1600s in an attempt to finally get rid of Diana.

"No, you weren't, you were born aged 65, with more wrinkles than an elephant's scrotum."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E10

THE BORING SON

Originally broadcast: 7 November 1991
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Basil returns home from his Caribbean cruise without Betty, Harvey has to deal with unreasonable demands for wheelchair ramps and panic alarms, and Geoffrey stays with Tom after walking out on Marion.

"Ah, farmyard impressions. No, no, no. No, no, don't tell me. It's... um... No, no, I'm very good at farmyard impressions. It's... er... I know, it's a toad farting in custard."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1992)
10 episodes
Series Score: 79*
Episode Average: 7.90
Perfect 10's: 2
*not including special

S3E1

THE FUNERAL

Originally broadcast: 10 September 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana struggles to choose the right hat for the funeral of a resident, the vicar walks out of the service after talking about the wrong person, and a desperate Geoffrey asks his father to help him out with his marriage.

"There was also a rather embarrassing baptism. Apparently there is a child in this parish called Ugly Little Bastard Jones."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S3E2

TWO NASTY CHILDREN

Originally broadcast: 17 September 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Geoffrey blames his father for his wife running off to Wales with a vicar, Diana steps in when Tom's grandchildren take advantage of his good nature, and Jane gives Harvey the details for a local dating agency.

"Tom! You come home looking like an old brown dressing gown that's just mated with an alligator and you tell me nothing's wrong?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E3

LOOKING FOR WORK

Originally broadcast: 24 September 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Basil's warned that his womanising ways will get him into trouble, Harvey tries to maximise profits by refusing to turn on the heating, and Diana and Tom both hit the streets in search of paid employment.

"What's the matter with you today? You're crabbier than usual. Hedgehog in your undies?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

HARVEY'S FIANCÉE

Originally broadcast: 1 October 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane's devastated when Harvey announces his engagement after staying out all night, speculation is rife about the true identity of an ill-mannered guest, and Diana steps in to put a stop to the residents being ripped off.

"Or for the golfer who has everything... a device to stamp his initials on his balls."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E5

THE ESTATE AGENT

Originally broadcast: 8 October 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana starts work as a volunteer after being accused of being selfish, Harvey learns of a way to extract more money out of the residents, and an elderly lady needs help when she becomes the target of a con.

"Can you really have incontinent feet?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E6

SCANDAL

Originally broadcast: 15 October 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana ends up sleeping in the wrong bed after getting drunk at a wake, Marion complains to Harvey after seeing something she shouldn't, and Basil makes it clear that he won't tolerate another stud on his turf

"Geriatric Liberation Front. Grey-haired terrorists forcing people to play bridge at gunpoint."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S3E7

SABOTAGE

Originally broadcast: 22 October 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane isn't impressed when Harvey introduces her to the love of his life, Tom tries to sell paintings to raise money for a holiday on the Orient Express, and plans to build a new hospital wing are announced.

"No, no, no, no... I just saw this nice little 18 stone rottweiler and I thought to myself, I'll rip down the back of my jacket and stuff it down his throat."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

POLITICS

Originally broadcast: 291 October 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana puts her name forward for an upcoming council election, Harvey's approached by the chairman about providing some opposition, and Tom's furious when he learns that Jenny is about to lose her job.

"That would tough on the Scots... Because with your bad shoulder, you couldn't reach up as far as Scotland, and they'd get no weather at all."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E9

SLEEPING PILLS

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom insists that euthanasia can never be morally acceptable, Diana convinces herself that she's dying after a collapse during a day out, and Harvey bombards a female doctor with an array of offensive comments.

"We are here to... to be, not to not be. I'm sure I've heard something like that somewhere before."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E10

GREAT AUNT DIANA

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey receives complaints about the behaviour of the residents, Diana panics when she's asked to get a little too involved with the birth of her great-niece, and Tom goes out in search of a bus that he hijacked.

"Welcome aboard flight 001 to Bayview. We are so very glad you have chosen to fly by Air Bognor. Please adjust your safety belts, extinguish all cigarettes and return the hostess to the upright position."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIAL

(1992)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS AT BAYVIEW

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1992
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Jane's horrified when the chef threatens to serve cat instead of turkey, Harvey spends the entertainment fund on a new jacket for himself, and Tom's attempt to bring a bit of festive cheer backfires on the residents.

"I think you're going to dress up as a tomato with a fungal growth."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1993)
10 episodes
Series Score: 78*
Episode Average: 7.8
Perfect 10's: 2
*not including special

S4E1

FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES

Originally broadcast: 9 September 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey takes to working out in an effort to complete the perfect him, Tom complains about the presence of rising damp in his apartment, and Diana races to London after receiving a letter about her finances.

"You know the cure for water on the knee? Drainpipe trousers. Ha! It's registering again! You must have water on the brain. You know the cure for water on the brain? A tap on the head. Ha ha ha. A tap on the... I got those jokes out of the Beano."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S4E2

LIVING TOGETHER

Originally broadcast: 16 September 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom finds that living with the one you love isn't all it's cracked up to be, Harvey's pleased that a new resident won't cost much to look after, and Diana comes up with a plan to help the shy newcomer get settled in.

"I know they're my legs. They're not likely to be someone else's seeing as how they're attached to my bum."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

LIVING IN MISERABLE SIN

Originally broadcast: 23 September 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey falls instantly in love with a Norwegian aerobics instructor, Diana moves in with Sarah when sharing an apartment becomes intolerable, and Tom's situation goes downhill when Geoffrey stays for a few days.

"So? squirrels like acorns. I was passing him one."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

SHELVES

Originally broadcast: 30 September 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Geoffrey insists on making the most of his father's shelving capacity, Diana struggles to keep up with her new life as a live-in nanny, and Tom finds that he simply isn't equipped to deal with everybody's problems.

"Well, little one, you'd better tell Nanny Hitler here that Nanny Diana is a well-known psychotic... And you'd better tell her that the world has moved on in the last 100 years, and if she starts treating Nanny Diana like some refugee from Upstairs Downstairs, then Nanny Diana is likely to rummage behind your bunny rug, pull out her favourite axe, and start chopping bits off her fat head, and chase her all the way to the piggy market."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

THE SÉANCE

Originally broadcast: 7 October 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

A suggestion about getting a double bed doesn't go down well with Diana, Harvey worries that his life isn't going the way he expected, and Tom's late wife tells him that she doesn't approve of his relationship.

"But I like to sleep alone. I don't know why once you've done your bit for England, you can't shove off back to your own bed. What are you waiting for, the critics?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

THE PROMOTIONAL VIDEO

Originally broadcast: 14 October 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Basil's disappointed when he gets turned down as the next James Bond, Harvey announces that a promotional video is to be made at Bayview, and Diana expresses her disgust at Tom's involvement in a pile of lies.

"Yes, that's a good idea, Geoffrey. Why not come back when one of us is in?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

ADULT EDUCATION

Originally broadcast: 21 October 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana has a close shave when she walks out in front of a moving car, Harvey manages to convince himself that his hair is about to fall out, and a councillor is in no mood to listen to complaints about an art class.

"God! This shouldn't be happening to one of life's winners. I shouldn't be sitting here getting nowhere while my hair leaps off my my head like rats leaving a sinking git... no, ship!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

SENT TO COVENTRY

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey's forced to take some time out after suffering a breakdown, Jane's insistence on running the place properly sees the staff go out on strike, and Tom defends Diana against a petition to have her kicked out.

"I got a new condom today, Diana. It's got Mickey Mouse ears on it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

WATERWORKS

Originally broadcast: 4 November 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey and Jane are unhappy when they're woken up in the early hours, Diana demands to know why an offer of naughties wasn't seized upon, and Tom's odd behaviour sees him accused of seeing another woman.

"You have been putting aftershave on your willy."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

THE CONFERENCE

Originally broadcast: 11 November 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom fears the worst when his prostate problems need further checks, Harvey receives a letter about the Council of European Old People, and Diana prepares for a trip to Westminster to see the Minister of Health.

"Well, if they chop it out there is a possibility you might have a bit of valve trouble, ie not knowing whether you're coming or going."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1993)

SPECIAL

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS AT BAYVIEW

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1993
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Harvey suffers a personality change after falling from a ladder, Jane suddenly gets the opportunity to prepare for the day of her dreams, and a reluctant Diana finds herself talked into directing the nativity play.

"I haven't got a lovely charming wife. I've got a Marion."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FIVE

(1994)
8 episodes
Series Score: 57
Episode Average: 7.13
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

AFTER THE OPERATION

Originally broadcast: 8 September 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana's not happy about Tom having to stay in the hospital corridor, Harvey's confused when his application to join the golf club is rejected, and Geoffrey needs somewhere to stay when he walks out on Marion.

"And the next minute you're staring at a wooden lid, hearing the dirt hit your box... while Dennis tries to christen you."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

THE BAYVIEW CONSERVATION SOCIETY

Originally broadcast: 15 September 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

James asks for advice about how to get rid of his tedious guest, Harvey announces plans to build a new space-saving wing at Bayview, and Jane finally starts to realise what is blindingly obvious to everybody else.

"Shared bathroom facilities?! I'm sorry, but once I'm seated on the lavatory there's no room for anyone else to sit beside me."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

A ROYAL VISIT?

Originally broadcast: 22 September 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana grabs an opportunity to share her feelings about the monarchy, Jane finds herself caring less and less about Harvey's well-being, and Geoffrey's left baffled by talk of his prowess between the sheets.

"Oh! Your foot's still a bit pussy. Oh! I wish you'd let me take it the doctor."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

DIANA'S DIET

Originally broadcast: 29 September 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana faces having to change her diet due to maturity onset diabetes, Harvey's left stunned when he realises that Jane has turned him down, and Geoffrey's advised to be a new man in an effort to save his marriage.

"You can't bite yourself in the neck! Look... See? It's impossible."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

TROUBLE WITH MEN

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana makes a nuisance of herself after being taken to hospital with shock, Marion finds her perfect man in the shape of a Hells Angel called Fat Boy, and Harvey decides that God holds the key to winning Jane back.

"I LOVE YOU, YOU DEAF PRAT!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

HARVEY THE PRIEST

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana insists that she has absolutely no intention of getting married, Tom takes driving lessons to prove that he is a man of action, and Geoffrey struggles to regain control of his life from his Fat Boy creation.

"Oh! Oh, my rosary! Oh dear! Oh, dear Lord, I'm so sorry. I must have dropped it during my inter-course Hail Marys. Please forgive me."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

BUNGEE JUMPING

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Diana's horrified when Tom decides to get macho by doing a bungee jump, Reverend Bains receives a letter about his latest attempt to join the golf club, and Marion finds reason to want the real Geoffrey back.

"That was all in your fat head. Do you realise what will happen if you jump from up there? Firstly, your heart will conk out, and then when your elastic band comes to an end, all your bones will crunch up and you will end up boinging up and down as a very saggy, dead bag of old prat."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

A DOUBLE WEDDING?

Originally broadcast: 27 October 1994
Directed by: Gareth Gwenlan
Written by: Michael Aitkens

Tom overhears Diana expressing her doubts about getting married, Jane can't cope with the amount of flesh on show on her hen night, and a double booking involving a funeral means a change of wedding plans.

"No, he's my auntie."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

TOM
BALLARD

Played by Graham Crowden
47 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... The Psychiatrist (1990)

DIANA
TRENT

Played by Stephanie Cole
47 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... Daisy Takes Charge (1991)

HARVEY
BAINS

Played by Daniel Hill
47 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... Tell the Truth (1991)

JANE
EDWARDS

Played by Janine Duvitski
47 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... The Christening (1990)

GEOFFREY
BALLARD

Played by Andrew Tourell
46 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... Cheering up Tom (1990)

MARION
BALLARD

Played by Sandra Payne
46 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... The Helicopter (1990)

BASIL
MAKEPEACE

Played by Michael Bilton
27 Episodes (1990-1993)
in... Daisy Takes Charge (1991)

JENNY

Played by Dawn Hope
26 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... Politics (1992)

ANTONIO

Played by Chico Andrade
16 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... The Partition (1991)

SARAH
SNOW

Played by Lucy Aston
12 Episodes (1990-1994)
in... The Psychiatrist (1990)

JAMIE
EDWARDS

Played by Paddy Ward
12 Episodes (1993-1994)
in... The Bayview Conservation Society (1994)

REV. DENNIS
SPARROW

Played by Tim Preece
5 Episodes (1992-1994)
in... The Funeral (1992)

MR.
KWOK

Played by Daryl Kwan
5 Episodes (1992-1993)
in... Christmas at Bayview (1992)