British Comedy: Queenie's Castle

Years: 1970-1972
Broadcaster: ITV (Yorkshire)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse,
Stuart Harris, Oliver Free, John Junkin,
Brian Marshall, Peter Robinson, David Rutherford
Stars: Diana Dors, Tony Caunter
Episodes: 18
Episode Average: 4.000

BEST EPISODES:
The Ladykillers (1971), Sweetness and Light (1971)

SERIES ONE

(1970)
6 episodes
Series Score: 23
Episode Average: 3.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

WE HUMBLY BESEECH

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie's not happy about how the men in her life have been behaving,
Bunny realises that her mood might have something to do with the date, and a neighbour reveals that the residents have been signing a petition.

"They're ignorant. They're uneducated. They're illiterate. Just look how they've spelt the 'Count' in 'Count Dracula'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

THE GREAT DEBATE

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

The family are left devastated when the television has to go in for repair, Queenie suggests pretending to be famous people for a big debate, and Jack just wants to forget the whole thing so he can go for a drink instead.

"Me mam's right, ya know. All these years we've been sat here night after night staring at the telly over there... What we should do is move it over here so it doesn't catch the light from the window."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

THEY ALSO SERVED

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

The family pack a picnic when an unexploded bomb is found at the flats, Queenie changes her mind when she's told of a compulsory evacuation, and a lance-corporal remembers when he visited the flats back in 1944.

"If bloody Hitler couldn't shift me when I were eleven year old, he's not gonna do it now as I'm on the wrong side of forty, and he's six feet under the ground. So you can stick that in your stirrup pump and squirt it!"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

JUST GOOD FRIENDS

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie's questioned after she's seen out drinking with the local bookie, the men are horrified by a decision to stop in on a Saturday night, and a very expectant visitor discovers that money might be his finest feature.

"And this just a passing sponge sandwich."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

TRIAL BY FURY

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie demands to know why the police are swarming around the flat, Bunny reveals that the van actually belongs to a convicted lead thief, and the Builders is used as a courtroom to find out the truth about a bicycle.

"I'd rather be in the nick, at least it wouldn't stink of pickled onions!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

UNACCUSTOMED AS I AM

Originally broadcast: 10 December 1970
Directed by: Graham Evans
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie's delighted when she's asked to speak at a school prize-giving, Douglas is forced to play a girl bearing flowers for the rehearsals, and work on the speech leaves the family eating nothing but fish and chips.

"There's no watermark on this, you don't call this a flamin' forgery, do you?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES TWO

(1971)
6 episodes
Series Score: 31
Episode Average: 5.17
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT

Originally broadcast: 3 June 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

A letter arrives from the council about washing dirty linen in the laundry, Jack bets Queenie that she can't last a week without losing her temper, and Mrs. Petty calls round to inspect the flat for a housing competition.

"I say it's right way up, it's all the rest that are upside down."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THE LADYKILLERS

Originally broadcast: 10 June 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

The men are ordered to behave when they meet Bunny's new girlfriend, Queenie changes her mind when the little lady walks through the door, and the family search for a way to end any thoughts of getting married.

"And just remember, when you're at that tea table, I want a bit of etiquette. It is not 'chuck as a sandwich', it's... 'please chuck us a sandwich'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE BREADWINNER

Originally broadcast: 17 June 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie's not happy when money problems leave the cupboards empty, Douglas is unlucky enough to be sent to the employment exchange, and
the family are horrified when he walks into the pub wearing a uniform.

"No, we can't have any stewed apples. You know, you think apples grows on trees, you do."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS

Originally broadcast: 24 June 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie goes on strike when she gets fed up of being taken for granted,
Douglas struggles with his hunger when a list of terms are rejected, and Bunny gives Jack an idea that's guaranteed to get things back to normal.

"Queenie, would you say these sausages are done?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

ON THE WAGON

Originally broadcast: 1 July 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

Queenie decides to give up booze when the whole family appear in court, the men are horrified when they're told that they have to do the same, and a temperance meeting with Mrs. Petty pushes them all to the limit.

"You've talked us into it. No, no, if she can do it, we can do it. From now on, we're all on the wagon. Now, I tell you what we're gonna do. To show you how sincere we are, we're all gonna drink to it."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

CASTLES IN THE AIR

Originally broadcast: 8 July 1971
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Willis Hall, Keith Waterhouse

The men dream about what they'd do if they suddenly came into money, Douglas gets it in the neck for forgetting to post the pools coupon, and
Queenie drifts off to a world where she really is the Queen of the Castle.

"No, I well remember our Douglas studying form. He forecast Arsenal against Tony Jacklin for an away win."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES THREE

(1972)
6 episodes
Series Score: 18
Episode Average: 3.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

THE PROWLER

Originally broadcast: 1 August 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Stuart Harris

Queenie kicks the men out of the flat after an argument about the telly, a taxi driver is ordered to dump them all off beyond the city limits, and Mrs. Petty warns residents about a lurker roaming the corridors at night.

"Raymond, you should never drink on an empty head."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

NEW BROOM

Originally broadcast: 8 August 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: John Junkin

A group of local kids ask Queenie to play rounders with them in the park, a copper invites the Shepherds to his retirement do at the Builders, and the family decide that something has to be one about his replacement.

"Oh, no you don't! There's none of ya will. We're not drinking out of this. It's tainted money. Hey Cyril, take that. Change it for five ones."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

Originally broadcast: 15 August 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Brian Marshall

An unlikely fisherman leaves a note about going out in search of lunch, Bunny reports back after seeing something amusing at the shops, and Queenie bets Jack that he can't catch another fish in front of witnesses.

"Where's its fingers?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

ENGLAND EXPECTS

Originally broadcast: 22 August 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Stuart Harris

Queenie learns that the son of one of Lionel's friend will be popping by,
Douglas gets arrested when he goes window cleaning in his birthday suit, and the rest of the family try to prepare the perfect anniversary dinner.

"Duty free? That lot was totally free!"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

MR. FAINTHEART

Originally broadcast: 29 August 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Oliver Free

Queenie's not happy when she returns home to find the flat full of girls, Douglas is offered a bit of advice on how to hit it off with the ladies, and the men get a shock when his childhood sweetheart walks into the pub.

"If that's the rent man, there's nobody home! ...This is a recorded message."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE PATTER OF TINY FEET

Originally broadcast: 5 September 1972
Directed by: Ian Davidson
Written by: Peter Robinson, David Rutherford

Queenie lies to Mrs. Petty about the reason she has to go into hospital, Douglas informs his brothers that their mam is in the pudding club, and a mother of ten can't help being baffled by the woman in the next bed.

"Not like Douglas. Now her was late, I could feel him kicking for ages. So much so, I felt like saying... WIPE YOUR FEET!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

QUEENIE
SHEPHERD

Played by Diana Dors
18 episodes (1970-1972)
in... Castles in the Air (S2E6)

JACK HENRY
SHEPHERD

Played by Tony Caunter
18 episodes (1970-1972)
in... Castles in the Air (S2E6)

DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS
SHEPHERD

Played by Barrie Rutter
18 episodes (1970-1972)
in... We Humbly Beseech (S1E1)

RAYMOND HERBERT
SHEPHERD

Played by Freddie Fletcher
18 episodes (1970-1972)
in... The Ladykillers (S2E2)

BERNARD ANTHONY
'BUNNY' SHEPHERD

Played by Brian Marshall
18 episodes (1970-1972)
in... Sweetness and Light (S2E1)

MRS. EDITH
PETTY

Played by Lynne Perrie
9 episodes (1970-1972)
in... On the Wagon (S2E5)

JEREMY

Played by Bryan Mosley
9 episodes (1970-1971)
in... Sweetness and Light (S2E1)

PC
THORNTON

Played by Anthony Baird
4 episodes (1970)
in... The Great Debate (S1E2)