British Comedy: The New Statesman

Years: 1987-1994
Broadcaster: ITV (Yorkshire), BBC (2 specials)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran
Stars: Rik Mayall, Michael Troughton
Episodes: 29 (including specials)
Episode Average: 7.379

BEST EPISODES:
Three Line Whipping (1987), Who Shot Alan B'Stard (1990)

SERIES ONE

(1987)
7 episodes
Series Score: 53
Episode Average: 7.57
Perfect 10's: 2

S1E1

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN

Originally broadcast: 13 September 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan B'stard becomes the MP for Haltemprice after putting his rivals out of the race, the Chief Constable blackmails him to push a bill through Parliament, and a gun deal provides opportunity for a handsome profit.

"How did you ever get to be an MP anyway? Oh, but then of course, your constituency is south of Watford isn't it? Where they'd elect a hatstand if it had a blue rosette on it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

PASSPORT TO FREEDOM

Originally broadcast: 20 September 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Sarah tells Alan that she's filing for divorce after inheriting a fortune, a plan is hatched to break into the Prime Minister's office, and Piers is persuaded to head north to send a letter from Crippen's constituency.

"I'm renowned in Westminster for my sense of humour... and for my enormous majority, and for my incredible virility."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

SEX IS WRONG

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Piers mentions an upcoming meeting about Moral Regeneration, Alan agrees to get a pamphlet printed in time for the Tory Party Conference, and the author unexpectedly turns up to threaten plans of a huge profit.

"Excuse me. On a point of information, I haven't seen Snow White since nanny took me to the Devizes Gaumont. I think it was Christmas 1961. I'm sure there wasn't a dwarf called Nobby."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

WASTE NOT WANT NOT

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan's told that a secret radioactive waste store is due to be demolished, Sidney mentions the existence of a local mine owned by Sarah's father, and Norman has an attack of conscience after visiting the site.

"25-year-old Glenoddle. They only make a couple of thousand cases every six years so really at £63 a bottle, it's a snip."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

FRIENDS OF ST.JAMES

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan learns that an old friend is now President of a small island nation, Norman suggests that opening a bank there could make millions, and a group of greedy investors head off to paradise to make their fortune.

"Do what he says? He's got a gun pressing into my back!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

THREE LINE WHIPPING

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan runs late for a TV appearance after being caught up in a brothel raid, an unpaid cabbie hits his head during an argument in a toilet, and an important fare gets in the way of efforts to dispose of the taxi.

"Well, that's just what I need first thing on a Friday morning... a dead dwarf!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1987
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan's lack of interest in local issues sees him facing de-selection, an American fast food chain is looking for a site to build a new factory, and Norman proves to be too exciting for the Secretary of State for Wales.

"Is he? God, you're right. Looks as if rigamortis has set in already."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

COMIC RELIEF SPECIAL

(1988)

SPECIAL

ALAN B'STARD CLOSES DOWN THE BBC

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1988
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

A deal with Channel 4 sees Alan pay a visit to the Prime Minister's office, a poke about in the ministerial box reveals the 1991 General Election results, and the BBC is taken off air after being accused of extremism.

"Hello, Big Nipples!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES TWO

(1989)
7 episodes
Series Score: 52*
Episode Average: 7.43
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S2E1

FATAL EXTRACTION

Originally broadcast: 15 January 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan gets on the wrong side of a Labour MP during a televised debate, unwanted advances lead to the discovery of oil on Hackney Marshes, and poll tax changes are proposed to give the Tories control of the area.

"But, people will be forced to choose between the Royal Family and the Conservative Party. Can't you think what a trauma that will be for the millions who don't know the difference."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

LIVE FROM WESTMINSTER

Originally broadcast: 22 January 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Traditions are put at risk when television cameras are allowed into the Commons, Alan's quick thinking see him turned into a media personality, and Sarah threatens to spoil it all by selling her story to the newspapers.

"Well, what does Nicholas Parsons get? Ha ha ha, does he really? My wife has to pay me that much just to sleep with me. And then of course the sex comes extra."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE WAPPING CONSPIRACY

Originally broadcast: 29 January 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

An argument with a Tebbit leads to the setting up of an association for young ladies, Alan finds himself facing ruin when he's accused of being a pervert, and Piers and Sarah are tasked with helping to sue The Times.

"Mr. Speaker, isn't it odd that it's always fat ladies with moustaches who call me a sexist pig. Whereas attractive leggy women with big breasts and long golden hair tend to say, 'More, Alan, more'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

THE HALTEMPRICE BUNKER

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

A financial journalist suggests exposing Nazi's to raise investment funds, Alan decides to turn on a constituent he's been blackmailing for years, and a last desperate bid for freedom leads to a deal worth half a million.

"Oh, don't you worry about him. Our conversation will be rather like Burt Reynolds' toupee... considerably above his head."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

CALIFORNIA HERE I COME

Originally broadcast: 12 February 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

A Hollywood producer rejects a pitch for a soap opera set in Parliament, Piers defends the Queen after dabbling with a little nose powder, and frolics with a sexy actress end when Alan gets locked out of the hotel.

"Congratulation, Piers, you just invented passive snorting."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Piers' announcement that he is to be married is met with surprise, Alan seduces the bride-to-be only to have his sexual prowess ridiculed, and the threat of losing his errand boy leaves him with murder on his mind.

"No, the face means nothing, but I never forget a bust."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

PIERS OF THE REALM

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1989
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan cons a senile constituent out of her desirable home, Mr. Bear gets mutilated when Piers becomes a junior minister, and Sarah's encouraged to sleep around when her sex-tape proves to be a hit in Germany.

"Well, you know what they say, the secretary is just another piece of office equipment. You can't be sure she's yours until she's been screwed on the desk."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SPECIAL

(1990)

SPECIAL

WHO SHOT ALAN B'STARD?

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1990
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

A vote in the Commons for the return of capital punishment almost ends in deadlock, Sarah teams up with a talk-show host to expose a charity scam, and Alan ends up in the dock after an accidental shooting.

"Well, Sir. I was on duty outside Mr. Parkinson's office, he'd asked me to keep casual visitors away while he was breaking in a new temporary secretary. Suddenly, I heard several loud bangs..."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES THREE

(1991)
6 episodes
Series Score: 48
Episode Average: 8.00
Perfect 10's: 1

S3E1

LABOUR OF LOVE

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan's learns that he has a rival for the title of 'Most Right-Wing Tory', the Labour Party are offered information that could guarantee victory, and the newest recruit finds himself encouraged to show his affections.

"Look, I'm sorry, Alan. I just bumped into him at Fortnum's tearooms and got we chatting and conversation flagged, and your penis popped up."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

THE PARTY'S OVER

Originally broadcast: 13 January 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

News comes in that North Sea oil is to run out sooner than expected, a snap election sees Alan put in charge of the Tory's election campaign, and there's panic in the party when the polls suggest a big lead.

"Flap. No, jacket flap. Piers Fletcher-Dervis. You'll know who to vote for next time, won't you? Pop in the booth, drop your trousers, and stick your head up your arsehole."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S3E3

LET THEM SNIFF CAKE

Originally broadcast: 20 January 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan angers animal rights activists when he appears on television, a peer needs a quantity of cocaine to help him celebrate his birthday, and Piers gets into trouble when he tries to do a deal with the wrong person.

"Oh yeah, we should save the whales, but only until we've killed off all the dolphins. I mean, they really get on my nerves. Just because they smile all the time, people think they aren't fish. If I was Kinnock, I'd sack Mandelson and hire the PR company that looks after the dolphins."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

KEEPING MUM

Originally broadcast: 27 January 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Proposals are put forward in the Commons to save money wasted on old people, Piers inherits a fortune when his father dies, and Alan's scruffy mother makes a nuisance of herself when she turns up out of the blue.

"Hello, B'Stard, standing ovation guaranteed. Oh, no, you can't speak to him. No, he's busy. He's shaking some money out of an old aged pensioner at the moment. There's no problem. If there is a problem, we could always cut the old aged pensioners head off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S3E5

NATURAL SELECTION

Originally broadcast: 3 February 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

A construction company owner announces that he is to take over as MP for Haltemprice, Alan steals Piers' stamp collection after throwing him from a train, and a reporter is told of plans to scrap mortgage tax relief.

"Well, you'd become Cher Price. You'd hate to have his friends in the city gossiping about his Cher Price going down, wouldn't you? "

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

PROFIT OF BOOM

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1991
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Piers misses out on a trip Moscow when he's posted in Northern Ireland, Alan's hopes of having a minute with a sexy translator are dealt a blow, and MI5 and the KGB are worried Gorbachev's impact on the Cold War.

"So, this is Lenin's tomb, eh? Probably the biggest stiffy in the world."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1992)
6 episodes
Series Score: 32
Episode Average: 5.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

BACK FROM THE MORT

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan wants revenge after spending three years in a Soviet gulag, Sarah's moved on and plans to marry an Olympic pentathlon champion, and a seat has to be found for a new MEP on the European gravy boat.

"The only difference between my wife and the Eiffel Tower is that it costs 25 francs to get up the Eiffel Tower."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

H*A*S*H

Originally broadcast: 29 November 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Sir Greville needs help to push through new cannabis legislation, Sarah turns up and announces that she's working as a high-class hooker, and a criminal organisation make it clear to Alan that his balls are on the line.

"Australia? Where there were seventy-five farmyard animals for every human being? Talk about landing on your sheep."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S4E3

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

Originally broadcast: 6 December 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

The translation service complain about having to work on adult material, an East German MEP needs help with the route of a proposed autobahn, and Piers gets himself in trouble for causing an embarrassing dispute.

"Point of order, Mr. President. Am I the only member here with the guts to point out that this so-called translating computer is talking absolute bollocks? So far this morning, we have heard a request that Commissioner Madam Dupont make a clean breast of her water management policies as a demand that she wash her tits in public."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

HEIL AND FAREWELL

Originally broadcast: 13 December 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Hundred of fascists riot and attack a hotel filled with refugees, Alan gets his hands on something to help him become leader of the neo-Nazis, and Sarah takes great joy in getting involved with an assassination attempt.

"No, Piers just has problems with his vowel movements."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

A BIGGER SPLASH

Originally broadcast: 20 December 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan announces plans to sail humanitarian supplies to Herzogovina, Robert Maxwell comes back from the dead and asks to be taken to Hawaii, and Piers is left puzzled about his role in a ceasefire agreement.

"The first time I've ever seen you with a full-sized weapon in your hands."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

THE IRRESISTIBLE RISE OF ALAN B'STARD

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1992
Directed by: Graeme Harper
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Alan makes a deal for a war movie to be made in the Channel Islands, proposals to outlaw offshore tax havens are met with horror, and a campaign is launched for Britain to leave the European Community.

"Sorry to interrupt, my darling. Only... our little son, Horatio, needs changing. He's done a Douglas Hurd."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SPECIAL

(1994)

SPECIAL

A. B'STARD EXPOSED

Originally broadcast: 30 December 1994
Directed by: Marcus Mortimer
Written by: Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran

Brian Walden interviews Alan B'Stard about his return to Parliament, controversial ideas about the welfare state and taxation are put forward, and suggestions are made about involvement in a fire at a royal home.

"Er, yes. Yes, of course. It was a cruel twist of fate that my two opponents whilst visiting the last working coal mine in Wales should be crushed to death by a falling skip-load of stolen ballot boxes. Awful. Awful thing to happen."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

ALAN
B'STARD

Played by Rik Mayall
29 episodes (1987-1994)
in... Happiness is a Warm Gun (1987)

PIERS
FLETCHER-DERVIS

Played by Michael Troughton
25 episodes (1987-1992)
in... Fatal Extraction (1989)

SARAH
B'STARD

Played by Marsha Fitzalan
20 episodes (1987-1992)
in... Happiness is a Warm Gun (1987)

SIR GREVILLE
McDONALD

Played by Terence Alexander
8 episodes (1989-1992)
in... Who Shot Alan B'Stard (1990)

NORMAN
BORMANN

Played by Rowena Cooper
5 episodes (1987)
in... Baa Baa Black Sheep (1987)

SIR STEPHEN
BAXTER

Played by John Nettleton
5 episodes (1987-1989)
in... Three Line Whipping (1987)

GEOFF
DICQUEAD

Played by Berwick Kaler
5 episodes (1989-1990)
in... Piers of the Realm (1989)

BOB
CRIPPEN

Played by Nick Stringer
4 episodes (1987-1989)
in... Passport to Freedom (1987)

MARGARET
THATCHER

Played by Steve Nallon
4 episodes (1987-1990)
in... Live from Westminster (1989)

BEATRICE
PROTHEROE

Played by Vivien Heilbron
3 episodes (1987)
in... Happiness is a Warm Gun (1987)