British Comedy: Get Some In!

Years: 1975-1978
Broadcaster: ITV (Thames)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey
Stars: Tony Selby, David Janson
Episodes: 34
Episode Average: 6.647

BEST EPISODES:
Crush (1976), Flight (1976)

SERIES ONE

(1975)
7 episodes
Series Score: 49*
Episode Average: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S1E1

CALL-UP

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The newest intake of National Service recruits shuffle into RAF Skelton,
a late arrival makes the mistake of standing next to the wrong bed, and Corporal Marsh tries to bribe his way into a cushy posting in Hong Kong.

"Now get this, and get this straight. My name is Marsh. B-A-S-T-A-R-D... Marsh."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

KIT

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Smith tries to make a bit of extra money from selling lace handkerchiefs, Marsh questions his wife about whether she's been faithful to him, and Richardson frantically searches the camp when his entire kit disappears.

"Well, my father did try to toughen me up with extra bell ringing."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

MEDICAL

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Smith tries to convince the medical officer that he has an ear problem, Marsh informs C Flight that a suicide would see them all sent home, and a clip of ammunition goes missing after Leckie talks of shooting himself.

"That wouldn't be suicide, that would be death by corporal punishment."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

AT THE HOP

Originally broadcast: 6 Novemer 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Leckie has to stay behind when the lads head off camp for the first time,
Alice is puzzled when the medical officer arrives to look at her cellar, and Smith decides to pounce when he spots the only decent skirt in Skelton.

"Bloke? That's a man, that is."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

BOOTS

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads are furious when they all get punished for the mistakes of one, Marsh decides to nail Lilley to the floor when he refuses to say 'blimey', and Richardson offers to help Smith write a letter home to his girlfriend.

"Let's have a look. 'Dear Edna, I hope you are well. I am well. I hope the boys down the caff are well. Is your mum well? Well...'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

PICKET DETAIL

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

A soon to be bowler hatted sergeant refuses to put a word in for Marsh, Richardson panics when he's suddenly left in charge of picket detail, and C Flight find themselves faced with an old drunk and an AOC inspection.

"Right, you two, first pair, up. We always pick the most vicious looking couple first, you see."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

36-HOUR PASS

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1975
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads stare in wonderment when Lilley's sister arrives to pick him up, Marsh denies being afraid of flying when he passes on a trip to Paris, and a couple of teds find a way to get their revenge on Smith and Richardson.

"Quick, Agnes, give them a flash."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1975)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS AT THE CAMP

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1975
Directed by: Robert Reed
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

C Flight have to stay behind when they're picked for maintenance duty, boredom kicks in when everything is found to have been locked up, and Alice falls ill after insisting that she is cooking Christmas dinner for six.

"I don't understand you lads, I really don't. I mean, here you are Christmas Day and look at ya. You look about as happy as four WAAFs standing guard over a windy grating."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1976)
7 episodes
Series Score: 52
Episode Average: 7.43
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

FLIGHT

Originally broadcast: 28 June 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

C Flight head to RAF Wareham for target practice and a first go in the air, Lilley's ineptitude on the rifle range has everyone ducking for cover, and a last minute change of plan forces Marsh to confront his secret phobia.

"Now for the last time, today is Thursday. Tomorrow is Wednesday."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

COKE

Originally broadcast: 5 July 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Alice moans about having nothing to burn when the temperature drops, Richardson finds a replacement for Agnes as the object of his affections, and the lads try to find a way to stop Marsh nicking their coke rations.

"Lilley, put your little booties on, and that is an order!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EJECTED

Originally broadcast: 12 July 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Alice can't help being suspicious when Marsh starts splashing the cash, Smith does a bunk when his request for compassionate leave is rejected, and the lads panic when corporal duty threatens to expose them as liars.

"That's a matter for me and my conscience. I shall wrestle with myself in bed tonight."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

FIELD EXERCISE

Originally broadcast: 19 July 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

C Flight are up at half five in the morning to take part in a field exercise, Marsh points out that no erk has ever made it back to ring the bell, and Lilley finds himself appointed team leader to take on the RAF Regiment.

"There is a perfectly simple way of keeping warm. I order you to be warm. Now you are warm. What are ya?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

CRUSH

Originally broadcast: 26 July 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

A less-than-successful pulling partner leaves Smith entertaining two girls, Marsh finds a way to avoid paying Leckie the two quid he owes him, and Richardson's upset when he learns that Mrs. Fairfax is moving to Aden.

"And talking of valleys, that's a very pretty top you've got on, Rhonda."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

COMPLAINTS

Originally broadcast: 2 August 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads get fed up with the disgusting food being served up on camp, vat cleaning duty allows them to see the truth about double-standards, and Lilley manages to put himself forward to make a formal complaint.

"Of course we can't. Neither can we waste precious time picking out individual slugs. You simply chop the cabbage up like that, chuck it in the water, and bring it to the boil. This causes the dead slugs to rise to the top. The you take your straining spoon and cream them off the surface."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

RUGBY

Originally broadcast: 9 August 1976
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Leckie comes up with a way to get the blood boiling for bayonet practice,
Richardson volunteers to provide cover for the RAF Skelton rugby team, and Marsh spots a golden opportunity to get friendlier with the officers.

"I should think you would be sorry, and all. If you stab a man with a filthy bayonet like that, you'll give him blood poisoning."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES THREE

(1977)
6 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

ERKS

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh is promised promotion if C Flight win the Inter-Flight Competition, Smith's suspicious when the lads are told that Grant is a dying man, and a word has to be had about unwelcome demands in the Sergeants' Mess.

"I see you're a sergeant now, Corporal."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

END OF BASIC TRAINING

Originally broadcast: 13 January 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Alice threatens to walk out on Marsh when he's busted back to corporal, Lilley worries that trades training will mean an end to new friendships, and Richardson aims a little too high when he puts in for a commission.

"You leave me, Alice, and I'll kill myself!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

RAF MIDHAM

Originally broadcast: 20 January 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads make their way up to Lancashire to train as nursing attendants, Smith's delighted when he finds that there are WAAFs on the camp, and any thoughts of an easier life go up in smoke when an old face walks in.

"It's obvious. It's a skellington."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

MARSH'S WIFE

Originally broadcast: 27 January 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads are caught trying to get a closer look at the women of the camp, Marsh waits for his wife to arrive after wangling married quarters, and Richardson protests about having to put redecoration ahead of revision.

"Alright then. Physio, right... comes from fizzog, means in the face. Physiology is the study of the face. Simple."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

THE HUMAN BODY

Originally broadcast: 3 February 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Alice struggles to come to terms with the change in her living standards, Leckie gets a fright when a lusty WAAF corporal tries to drag him away, and Marsh manages to recite a list of shoulder and upper arm muscles.

"You know, he' not even as bright as my uncle Hamish. And my uncle Hamish keeps buying bones for this invisible dog."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

SWIMMING

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh promises revenge after being thrown around in first aid training, Richardson's enthusiasm for swimming sees him doing bull instead, and Corporal Wendy runs to the rescue when Leckie's left lifeless in the pool.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you? You wait, I'll have you for this. You wait till they learn us how to amputate. I'll cut your arms and legs off and turn your torso into a set of bagpipes."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1977)
6 episodes
Series Score: 40
Episode Average: 6.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

CARDS

Originally broadcast: 16 June 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Richardson thinks he's landed on his feet after pulling a pretty redhead, Leckie decides to kill off his patient while practising ward technique, and Marsh tries to win some money to have his wife's wedding ring repaired.

"You've had respect, I bought you a meat pie."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

NEW ROOM-MATE

Originally broadcast: 23 June 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Smith questions why Leckie has more luck with the ladies than he does, the lads are left stunned when they find the enemy asleep in their room, and Marsh comes up with a way to help Lilley with his fainting problems.

"Well, that's just it. I didn't tell you. I fainted there as well. Fell back on the hot plate and singed my bottom."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

BLACKPOOL

Originally broadcast: 30 June 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads curse Alice for lumbering them with a selfish snoring nuisance, Marsh announces that a coach will soon be departing for Blackpool, and an Hawaiian theme bar provides opportunity for an unexpected reunion.

"Oh, God, it's like living with what they throw away at the cookhouse."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

CRASH EXERCISE

Originally broadcast: 7 July 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads are put through their paces at the scene of a mock plane crash, Leckie's not too happy when an incompetent medic tends to his injuries, and Marsh misdiagnoses an unconscious cyclist after receiving a tip-off.

"Look! The man is wearing splint and bandages! Right! Therefore, it must be broken!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

FINAL EXAMS

Originally broadcast: 14 July 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Richardson starts to panic when his last minute revision refuses to go in, Marsh thinks he's got it made after taking a chance to cheat on his exam, and Leckie surprises his mates by announcing that he's getting married.

"Blimey! I never thought I'd get kissed by a corporal!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

EXAM RESULTS

Originally broadcast: 21 July 1977
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh shocks Baker by claiming that he is the victim of racial prejudice, the lads worry that they'll be posted to the four corners of the world, and Smith can't hide his admiration when Wendy outwits a former corporal.

"Yeah, you must remember, Percy, when you was a corporal, Percy, it was corporal's furniture, Percy. But now as you are an AC Plonk, Percy, do as you're told."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FIVE

(1978)
7 episodes
Series Score: 37
Episode Average: 5.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

V.I.P. GUARD

Originally broadcast: 6 April 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads are told that they're being sent home after only a week in Malta, Leckie's hopes of being reunited with Wendy are dealt a cruel blow, and a newly promoted corporal gets a hero's welcome at RAF Druidswater.

"On the day you returned from Malta, we received a radio message from the pilot of the plane. This message stated that a passenger on the plane had collapsed and that his condition had been diagnosed by four certain Royal Air Force medical personnel as oxygen deficiency... I haven't finished. Acting on this diagnosis, we scrambled an ambulance, set up an oxygen tent and prepared B theatre for a full thoracic operation and then put it all away again, because the patient was merely... pissed!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

THE PATIENT

Originally broadcast: 13 April 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh does his best to make sure that the lads can't get any work done, Lilley reacts with horror when he finds himself reading a saucy story, and Ruark's not happy when a reluctant patient is chased around the ward.

"The things is, we're getting further and further behind with our work in the main ward. I've got three patients waiting for these sleeping pills. They'll probably be asleep by the time I give them to them."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

DEATH

Originally broadcast: 20 April 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

The lads are far from pleased when they're reassigned to morgue duty, Alice worries about what will happen at the end of convalescence, and the mortician notices something special about one of his new assistants.

"Well, I don't think it's dinner."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THE MORGUE

Originally broadcast: 27 April 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh informs Ruark that he's reorganising the medical stores himself, Richardson and Lilley panic when they misplace an amputated hand, and the lads soon realise that finding a replacement doesn't fix the problem.

"Look, Sir, if anyone throws your short legs in your face, they'll have me to deal with."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

CRISIS

Originally broadcast: 4 May 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Smith and Leckie find an old face from Skelton on the psychiatric ward, Marsh decides to stop off at a cafe while taking the patient for tests, and the sound of music leads the wannabe bandsman to the Boys' Brigade.

"I like Hedy Lamarr, but I don't stop and look every time I see her in a shop window."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

LABRADOR

Originally broadcast: 11 May 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Marsh recounts his heroic act at a church 'Meet the Celebrity' afternoon, Lilley goes ape after seeing his parents being taken in by a monster, and the diary of a dead man found in Labrador threatens to reveal the truth.

"I stood in the snow, and I said to myself, 'Percival Laurence Marsh, is this the end? Is this where you shuffle off your mental coil?'"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

OPERATION GREENFLY

Originally broadcast: 18 May 1978
Directed by: Michael Mills
Written by: John Esmonde, Bob Larbey

Ruark sends four survivors to an island a week before a rescue exercise, the group look on in horror as most of their provisions fall into the sea, and Marsh shows off his hunting skills by sneaking back to the mainland.

"Of course it's jolly clever, look who thunk it up."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

CORPORAL
PERCY MARSH

Played by Tony Selby
34 episodes (1975-1978)
in... 36-Hour Pass (S1E7)

KEN
RICHARDSON

Played by David Janson
34 episodes (1975-1978)
in... Erks (S3E1)

MATTHEW
LILLEY

Played by Gerard Ryder
34 episodes (1975-1978)
in... RAF Midham (S3E3)

BRUCE
LECKIE

Played by Bruce Pettifer
34 episodes (1975-1978)
in... 36-Hour Pass (S1E7)

JAKEY
SMITH

Played by Robert Lindsay
27 episodes (1975-1977)
in... Field Exercise (S2E4)

JAKEY
SMITH

Played by Karl Howman
7 episodes (1978)
in... Labrador (S5E6)

ALICE
MARSH

Played by Lori Wells
22 episodes (1975-1978)
in... Boots (S1E5)

GROUP CAPTAIN
ROBIN RUARK

Played by Nigel Pegram
8 episodes (1977-1978)
in... V.I.P. Guard (S5E1)

SQUADRON LEADER
BAKER

Played by John D. Collins
8 episodes (1975-1977)
in... New Room-Mate (S4E2)

FLIGHT LIEUTENANT
ROLAND GRANT

Played by David Quilter
8 episodes (1975-1977)
in... Complaints (S2E6)

CORPORAL
WENDY

Played by Jenny Cryst
6 episodes (1977-1978)
in... Swimming (S3E6)

FLIGHT SERGEANT
WELLS

Played by George Innes
3 episodes (1977)
in... Swimming (S3E6)