British Comedy: Bread

Years: 1986-1991
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Carla Lane
Stars: Jean Boht, Nick Conway
Episodes: 74
Episode Average: 4.824

BEST EPISODES:
Series 1, Episode 3 (1986), Series 1, Episode 4 (1986)

ONLY SEVEN SERIES WERE BROADCAST,
THEY HAVE BEEN SPLIT INTO 8 FOR THE DVD RELEASE.

SERIES ONE

(1986)
6 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 1 May 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Aveline finds herself being teased when she gets a job modelling sink units, Joey puts in a claim for Grandad's non-existent incontinence, and Billy's efforts to make a contribution are thwarted by a stolen statue.

"Well, it's animals, isn't it? I mean, how would you like someone to grab you by the arse and peel you like a banana?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 8 May 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy's encouraged to put the family before his relationship with Julie, Jack finds a nice little earner when he picks up an old bookcase, and Joey finds a clue that puts him on the trail of a couple of canary thieves.

"We need the pennies, Sunshine. You take what you can, when you can, how you can. And that means you've got to go out there, with your wits, and you grab the next fella by his wits, and you shake hum until his balls drop off."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 15 May 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian makes his feelings known about how the family make their money, emotions run high when Dad visits for the first time in three years, and Jack gets ripped off when he invests in a box of stolen radios.

"She's always got a cob on. Do ya remember breakfast in the old days? I'd be slaving away in here burning the toast and spilling the cornflakes and in she'd come, Rambo in a frock."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 22 May 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack tries to make a killing by adding a signature to a painting, Joey has words with his dad about stealing money from his own family, and Aveline gets sick of being asked questions about her modelling career

"You never needed us, did you? You had Lilo Lil. How could you, Dad? She was half your age. I mean, she wasn't exactly subtle. Every time she moved, her knickers lit up."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 29 May 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

The Boswells have to make the arrangements when Freddie's brother dies, Billy's sent to the D.H.S.S. office to get help with the electricity bill, and Grandad worries about never being repaid a £4 loan from 1964.

"Seen her run for the bus? Her dress comes up around her chin and by the time she gets on the bus she's all knickers and earrings."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 5 June 1986
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Grandad gets fed up when he feels like he doesn't matter anymore, Jack buries a stolen silver candelabra in his grandmother's grave, and Joey finds himself having to deal with everything from redundancy to nudity.

"You're all really clever, aren't you? You've all got it worked out. What I want to know is, why is it that you've all been at it longer than me... and I end up pregnant?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1987)
6 episodes
Series Score: 39
Episode Average: 6.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 8 January 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy's upset when Julie refuses to have anything to do with his family, Adrian announces that he's in a new relationship, and Jack's efforts to take care of a girl aren't helped by a dog and a couple of hijackers.

"Noisy women, the Spanish. All tits and tambourines."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 15 January 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian has to face up to the humiliation of applying for social security, Billy tries to take control of the situation when Julie goes into labour, and Aveline refuses to come home after failing to get a job in Manchester.

"All that wiggling, she'll wear her bones out."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 22 January 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy's over the moon when he's offered a chance to borrow the Jag, Adrian and Jack run into a spot of bother while picking up some old hats, and Joey looks into getting help from the Enterprise Allowance Scheme.

"That's because she's not tired of you yet. You wait. You'll look out of your lovesick window one day, and she'll be marching up the street with her bum wiggling and your heart trapped in her handbag."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian's not keen on divulging his date of birth to the D.H.S.S., Billy finds himself catering for unusual tastes on his new sandwich round, and Joey manages to find a way for Grandad to be much more independent.

"The scientists will alter all that. You'll see... soon we'll have pregnant men. The pubs will be full of fellas wearing wrapover shirts and Mothercare trousers."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 12 February 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash, Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

The D.H.S.S. are confronted by yet another Boswell on the scrounge, Billy's devastated when Julie decides to stay with a friend in London, and Freddie's return to the house has an immediate impact on family life.

"You don't expect me to forget Lilo Lil, do ya? You don't expect me to forget that morning when you walked out of this house to go to that tart? I've laid in bed at night with Lilo Lil's name burnt on my brain! I have lain there and made elaborate plans to machine-gun the entire city in the hope that I might blow Lilo Lil right out her shameless knickers!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

The family are in crisis when Joey finds the dog ill in the airing cupboard, Grandad isn't best pleased when he finds himself on traffic cone duty, and Freddie lets rip about how the family take their mother for granted.

"I know you feed it, but do you ever clean it? The poor bird need a pair of wellies! Come on!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1987)
13 episodes
Series Score: 74
Episode Average: 5.69
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 6 September 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

The Boswell boys storm to the police station when Aveline gets mugged, Freddie gets a reaction when he's seen out and about with a naked lady, and Nellie's about her grandson being christened at a protestant church.

"Could you make haste, please as we have to be at the Social Security lie detector department in an hour. It's just routine, like. They'd like to know how we can afford to wear leather jackets."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 13 September 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack and Adrian turn down a chance of a profit after buying Grandad a lap desk, Joey gets emotional when he spots the love of his life roaming the streets, and Billy wonders if Julie will ever agree to marry him.

"Oh yeah, it's all Labradors and Retrievers done there, isn't it? They use them to fetch the chickens from Tesco's."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 20 September 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian finds his cowardly nature being questioned when he hides from thieves, Freddie takes Nellie out for a taste of Russia, and Jack has the opportunity to make some easy money when he finds a valuable ring.

"You haven't met Jimmy, have you? He's tough. He's the real business. When he's riled, sunshine, he's rough!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie isn't exactly welcoming when Lilo Lil pops around for a chat about Freddie, Joey finds himself torn when he bumps into an old girlfriend, and Jack's left puzzled when Adrian spends fifty quid on a huge statue.

"You? Intelligent? Any brains you had in your head have migrated to your knickers!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy insists that he's the provider when Julie talks about finding work, Joey manages to persuade Roxy to meet up with him again, and Adrian's asked for services of a different kind while looking for a gardening job.

"Look at that. She serves me pudding as if it was a hand grenade."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1987
Directed by: Susan Belbin
Written by: Carla Lane

Joey's situation with Roxy sees him blackmailed into doing something dodgy, Nellie asks the Lord to take care of the people she loves the most, and Aveline starts to have serious doubts about living her life as a model.

"You look like a hanging basket."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack finds himself the new target of Carmen's uncontrollable desires, Freddie makes off with his little cart after being sacked by the council, and Grandad's taken to hospital when he's found wandering the streets.

"Why is it that after 75 years of packing me head with things I've found out, it ends up on top of a body that's about as tough as a high-rise jelly?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie struggles to deal with the shame of Freddie's impending court appearance, Jack can't contain his delight at picking up a bit of cheap gold, and Julie shocks Billy when she suggests getting married in secret.

"Can't somebody do something about Aveline and that bathroom? The reason I haven't got another job is because I have to say that I can only do part-time because my sister doesn't come out the bathroom until after 12!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 1 November 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

The family turn out to support their dad for his big day in court, Billy spends the day trying to give Julie the wedding day she demands, and Grandad gets a surprise when his gay nephew visits from America.

"One lousy egg... and that was fertilised! I hate fertilised eggs! There's enough hanky-panky going on in the world without serving it up with me breakfast."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 8 November 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack convinces himself that his kidneys are about to give up on him, Joey has to come to the rescue when Adrian and Eddie get kidnapped, and Freddie give Nellie a reminder of what she's been missing out on.

"With that haircut he could be a terrifying terrorist. Or a used Brillo Pad."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E11

EPISODE 11

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Getting carried away about good news from his doctor proves costly for Jack, Nellie doesn't want to be the wife of a man who pushes a hot dog cart, and new jobs see the family split off in different directions.

"There's a lot of rubbish in them packets. You might as well pour boiling milk on cat litter."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E12

EPISODE 12

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Grandad's left with nobody to make him lunch when the family start their jobs, Joey's furious when he finds out that Roxy's being smacked around, and there's concern for Freddie when the police come knocking.

"It's very frightening for men, this sudden birth of macho women with Y-front knickers and nutcrushers strapped to their knees."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E13

EPISODE 13

Originally broadcast: 29 November 1987
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie tries to warn Joey about getting too involved with Roxy again, Billy shocks the family by trying to take control of things at the dinner table, and Jack gets conned into spending fifty quid on a hanky-panky statue.

"It's doesn't put us off, though, does it? I'd go and put her out of her misery if me legs'd get me across the road."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FOUR

(1988)
13 episodes
Series Score: 66*
Episode Average: 5.08
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including the Christmas special

S4E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 18 September 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack's left an empty chair at the dinner table after heading off to Los Angeles, Joey picks up his cousin when he's released from prison, and Aveline tries to work out how to tell the family about her new man.

"Some people haven't got anybody else because they don't deserve anybody else! Lilo Lil hasn't got anyone because she is a tart! Your Uncle Reggie died alone with a cup of tea in his hand because he was too mean to give anybody else a cup of tea! Roxy hasn't got anybody because she wanted everybody, and your cousin Shifty hasn't got anybody because everything he has got is somebody else's!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 25 September 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Shifty tries to talk his way out of a corner when he's quizzed about his criminal ways, Aveline introduces her protestant fiancé to the family, and Billy struggles to face up to Julie not wanting him anymore.

"I'm not allowed to dream. I must have been there with a cart or a tart. She insists."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 2 October 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Freddie has to find his inner calm after being given a warning about his health, Grandad talks to the family about them never spending time with him anymore, and Shifty spends the day with Martina from the D.H.S.S.

"Why do you keep going on about love? Love is only the match that lights the flame. Marriage is the time spent trying to put the bloody fire out."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie makes the effort to get to know the new neighbour, Aveline not too pleased about having to compete with God for her husband-to-be's attention, and Shifty gets himself involved with an insurance scam.

"And if you were the kind of girl who wore normal clothes and didn't go around with the entire contents of someone's attic hanging from your ears..."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Julie's less that impressed when Billy tries to move back in with her, Adrian turns to his dad for somewhere to stay when he decides to move out, and Nellie tells Aveline that she shouldn't change herself for anyone.

"Look at the state of him. Our Mongy's brought better things back from the butcher's yard."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

The family are shocked when they learn the truth about Freddie's health, Grandad's disappointed when Shifty considers moving on with his life, and Adrian can't contain his joy at the prospect of being published.

"Well, it looks like shuffling. I mean, you don't actually see them, do you? All you see is the grass moving. All you see is signs. But then you're not much of a nature person, are you? You think animals cavort around the fields doing full frontals."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Martina ends things with Shifty after he lies to her about Grandad, Nellie turns to the church when Freddie finds his way back to Lilo Lil, and Billy invites a celebrity to pop in for tea while asking for an autograph.

"I can't even think what contribution men make to this world apart from the obvious. I mean, why didn't God make us like flowers? It would have been so simple. All we'd have to do is go out on a windy day and get pollinated."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

The police want to talk to Shifty about crashing a stolen car into a house, Adrian and Billy get arrested when they're caught selling stolen video recorders, and Oswald has doubts about his relationship with Aveline.

"Billy, sex is two people making idiots of themselves. Making babies is two idiots having sex."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Joey feels sure that talk of him being a father is not all that it seems, Aveline struggles to deal with Oswald calling off their engagement, and Nellie finds a friend in the shape of a man walking his dog in the park.

"Oh, her, he needn't have bothered. Her face has about as much expression on it as a no entry sign."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Oswald pays Nellie a visit to explain why he called off the wedding, Joey finds himself helping Roxy despite her attempts to hurt him, and Shifty tries to apologise to Martina for the way things ended between them.

"Perhaps I should be more tolerant with Billy. I know he's a kind, well-meaning lad. I know it. But Mother Nature ruined it all by giving him a gob. I mean, we've all got gobs, but she didn't connect his to anything, so it just flops about, unaided."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E11

EPISODE 11

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Things are looking up for Adrian when a female fan writes him a letter, Billy lets life get on top of him after rescuing a pigeon from a busy road, and Oswald hints that he wants to go ahead with the wedding.

"You'd better behave. You'd make a good pie."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E12

EPISODE 12

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie reacts badly when Lilo Lil sends Aveline a wedding present, Joey races to help his dad when he takes a funny turn while out on his round, and Grandad finds himself with some company out on the street.

"Aw, do we have to? There's nothing to thank him for."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E13

EPISODE 13

Originally broadcast: 11 December 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Oswald worries about his alcoholic father being at the wedding, Nellie has to send Yizzel away when he arrives far too early with the car, and a florist finds himself blocked in after delivering half-dead roses.

"Yeah, but Juliet said things like, 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?', not, 'She is a tart!'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SPECIAL

(1988)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1988
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Martina's persuaded to help the Boswells with money for a holiday in Rome, Grandad's hopes of visiting the scene of an old romance are dealt a blow, and Adrian and Joey both attract the attentions of hotel maids.

"He gets consideration, Mr. Boswell. He claimed for a guard dog, and bought a canary. He claimed for garden tools to do his garden which turned out to be a window box. He has claimed for three new beds, apparently the victim of his incontinence when the fact is he had a bladder as tough as a builder's bin bag."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

SERIES FIVE

(1989)
13 episodes
Series Score: 51
Episode Average: 3.92
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 10 September 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian finds himself in demand after becoming an accidental hero, Joey senses the net closing in when he receives a letter from the taxman, and a desperate Aveline seeks medical advice after failing to get pregnant.

"It's only a paper! It's only a pencil sharpener! It's only a Porsche! Got no brains in his head. If you put a bullet through it, all it would do is make a loud sissing noise."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 17 September 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie's overjoyed when Jack calls to say that he's on his way home from America, Joey learns the full extent of his problems when he pays the taxman a visit, and Oswald's reluctant to have his sperm count checked.

"Your position is as precarious as a man trying to get a foothold on a jelly, Mr. Boswell."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 24 September 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Lilo Lil lets Freddie know that she'll soon be returning from Ireland, Joey takes his mam to a safe place to tell her about his problems, and Jack borrows money from Shifty to buy completely the wrong piano.

"My name is Jack Boswell. I live at 30 Kelsall Street. And I'd like to tell you to take your form and your giro and whatever else you've got in the degradation file and stick it right up your nostril. NEXT!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 1 October 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Freddie decides to sell his flat in order to help Joey with his tax demand, Lilo Lil finds somewhere to stay when she gets a job as a live-in housekeeper, and Adrian agrees to help Jack to retrieve his stolen piano.

"And if it fails you can always publish 'Joey Boswell's Book of Profound Bullshit'."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 8 October 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

The family find themselves going along with Aveline's fake pregnancy, Billy refuses to accept that Julie has met a new man so soon after the divorce, and Jack gets a job as a handy man for a batty old woman.

"I thought they'd brought out a special tablet. I mean, it's coming to that, isn't it? It'll be one at night and one in the morning, instead of hanky-panky."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 15 October 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie refuses to accept that Mongy's capable of biting a child, Adrian starts to worry that his Italian girlfriend only wants him for one thing, and Billy's told that he's shouldn't try to compete with Julie's new man.

"I want to show people, that's why. You think that because I wear an old anorak that I think like an old anorak. But I've got things in me head, too, you know. It may not be poetic, but it's revelent."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 22 October 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

There's concern for Freddie when Nellie finds out about Lilo Lil, a desperate Shifty dips into Grandad's savings again to pay off a debt, and Aveline can't wait to show Oswald the results from the fertility clinic.

"Don't bang your fist on the table like that, I've got a soufflé in the oven."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 29 October 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Grandad finds himself playing babysitter to a drunken grandson, Oswald protests when Aveline decides to go back to modelling, and Jack's left with a hole in his life after Mrs. Cumberland has a big win on the horses.

"Oh, yeah. It was great fun, you coming in at 2:00 in the morning, getting in the wrong end of the bed and spending the night being sick in my slippers."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie decides to resist temptation by walking away from Derek in the park, Jack falls in love after inheriting a dog that doesn't like him, and Billy tries something different after spending time with Julie.

"The only way I can get there, darling is through my models. And being as they send me all the deformed one, I've got no chance, have I?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

A romantic day out in the country ends badly for Jack, Adrian struggles to contain himself while he waits for Magdalena to arrive, and Freddie's furious when he finds Lilo Lil putting it all on display at the allotment.

"I very good to meet you, Grandfather. You are much talked. Adrian tell me you are the family greedy bugger."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E11

EPISODE 11

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian's overjoyed at news that more of his work might be published, Aveline realises her dream when she appears in a glossy magazine, and Roxy finds herself coming second again when Billy cuts his finger.

"Have you seen the state of this stuffed aubergine? It looks like a hand grenade."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E12

EPISODE 12

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie faces questions about photos of her with another man, Oswald's left puzzled when Aveline has a change of heart about pregnancy, and the family are outraged when Grandad's house is emptied by burglars.

"I haven't been allowed to have pure thoughts since we walked down that aisle? have I? It's been bed, breakfast, bed, lunch, bed, tea, bed, dinner. Quick bottle of wine to dull the pain, and then more bed."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E13

EPISODE 13

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack grabs an opportunity to buy his mam the perfect present for her birthday, Lilo Lil finds herself with nowhere to live when she gets sacked, and Joey finally manages to come clean about his relationship with Roxy.

"I like my own place. Two minutes in here and somebody will be trying to borrow me pension."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(1989)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1989
Directed by: Robin Nash
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy gets the blame when the Christmas presents get stolen from the car, Jack and Nellie find that the turkey is a little too fresh for their liking, and Joey isn't comfortable about choosing between Roxy and his family.

"I did explain. 'She'll be two minutes', I said. We waited three weeks, and that was it."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES SIX

(1990)
10 episodes
Series Score: 38
Episode Average: 3.80
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 2 September 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy's not happy when he realises that Julie's moved without telling him, a newcomer finds herself attracting the attentions of more than one Boswell, and arrangements have to be made when Mongy gets run over.

"God, you have no scruples, do you? You've got no finer feelings! I can't believe he's human. They must have swapped him at the hospital with one of the bedpans."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 9 September 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Aveline's upset about what motherhood has done to her body, Jack gets jealous when Adrian gets a job working as Leonora's handyman, and Freddie's not altogether happy when Lilo Lil turns up at the allotment.

"But you're not, are you? You're not a womaniser. You're just a nice, decent, loudmouth little shit, aren't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 16 September 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Joey rents a shop to sell produce from the allotment, Shifty surprises everyone when he announces that he's got a proper job, and Lilo Lil reveals why she won't be able to spend much more time with Freddie.

"She's back, isn't she? That Irish tart. Oh, don't bother puffing and blowing, I can see it. Your eyes are all bloodshot, your face is all coloured, you look like a giant pizza!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 23 September 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack finds himself getting more involved with Leonora, Derek shocks Nellie with a suggestion of spending a night together in a hotel, and the Boswell boys do their best to protect a fox from the local kids.

"Well, he was wearing a sandwich board with 'I am a fox' on it. I know what foxes look like, don't I?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 30 September 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Aveline moves back in with the family after rowing with Oswald, Billy's left to sort things out when the shop becomes the target of vandalism, and Adrian plucks up the courage to tell Leonora how he feels about her.

"You Tarzan, me Jane, is that it? Up your tree!"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 7 October 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian realises that he's not the only one in the house with emotions, Billy moves out after getting sick of his lowly family status, and Nellie asks for permission to spend some time with a friend in the Cotswolds.

"Made yourself dome more agoraphobic porridge, have you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 14 October 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie and Derek enjoy some time almost together in the Cotwolds, Joey does his best to keep the family functioning as a unit, and there's panic when Grandad has to be rushed to hospital after damaging his hip.

"I don't need any of those things. Piss off with ya!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 21 October 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian's sudden artistic success sees him splash out on the family, Joey invites Edie Matheson's sister to have tea with Grandad, and Jack lets the family know of his intentions to move in with Leonora.

"What's he on about? If you take flowers into a dungeon, it becomes a dungeon with flowers in it."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian struggles to cope with his girlfriend's lack of interest in the arts, Freddie's horrified when Lilo Lil suggests getting a house together, and Nellie worries when Grandad starts showing signs of old age.

"Normal? What's normal about a boy living with a woman old enough to have played the lead part in Birth of a Nation?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 4 November 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack worries about the exact nature of his role in Leonora's life, a trip to an art gallery does nothing to bring out Irenee's artistic side, and Grandad decides to head for Wales after being forced to see a doctor.

"I'll get you one of these days. I'll swing you round by that stupid bun you've got on your head and you'll become the first middle-aged astronaut."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

SPECIAL

(1990)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1990
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Aveline joins a protest to save the Liver Birds from demolition, Joey has to abandon a lady friend when Grandad goes on another walkabout, and Derek announces his plan to move to London to be with his daughter.

"Oh, he's got that look about him. You know the one where your gob's smiling but the rest of your face won't join in."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

SERIES SEVEN

(1991)
10 episodes
Series Score: 37
Episode Average: 3.70
Perfect 10's: 0

S7E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 1 September 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Billy gets stopped by the police again because of the state of his car, Joey's past business dealings put the family in a dangerous situation, and concern grows for Freddie when he vanishes from the face of the earth.

"Don't you dare call my pregnant daughter a Christmas tree."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 8 September 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Nellie isn't impressed with the response when she reports Freddie missing, Billy and Adrian have mixed fortunes in the cornfield of love, and Jack steps in to prevent Lilo Lil from paying his mam a visit.

"You mean, as well as those feathers stuck in your hair? You look like a stuffed barn owl."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 15 September 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Joey leads a mission to find somewhere suitable for the annual holiday, Nellie isn't impressed when Lilo Lil forces her way into the house, and the idea of spending time with the Boswells doesn't appeal to everyone.

"I thought models wore clothes that suited their surroundings? You look as if you're playing the lead at a tart's wedding."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 22 September 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Lilo Lil refuses to give up her search for the man she loves, Billy tells Joey that he's starting a new job to fend off the boredom of life, and Aveline's offered a chance to appear in a film after being spotted in the street.

"Let me tell you something, you pompous, pedantic, English policeman. If I hear that they hear what you hear before I hear it, I will come through that door like a serpent enraged and I will grab each one of you by your pendulums and render them well and truly redundant. Do you hear me?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 29 September 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

A pretty girl get Billy into trouble while he's out on his pizza round, Nellie needs emergency surgery after being rushed into hospital, and Grandad finds himself enjoying the company of a shameless Irish tart.

"Not only has she secured by that particular part of my anatomy but she this Amazon grip. It's a bit like a vulture with a caterpillar."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

The family struggle to agree on how to deal with the Derek situation, Nellie's furious when Lilo Lil turns up to visit her in the hospital, and Aveline and Adrian both have to deal with feelings of rejection.

"There's nothing normal about her cooking. I haven't had anything to eat since you left. I threw it all out to the pigeons. And they told me to piss off."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian gets an opportunity to spend time alone with Irenee, the rest of the family head off on their annual holiday at a stately home, and Jack flies off the handle when he realises that Leonora has been lying to him.

"I'd take advantage of the fact that my eardrums are severely concussed, Mr. Boswell. You could get away with a lot of bullshit for the next few minutes."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Jack's delighted when Leonora decides to continue with the family holiday, Adrian reacts badly to news that his demo tape has been rejected, and Joey and the boys confront the gamekeeper about shooting rabbits.

"They're all over the place. He's got his hands together, his face is all painted, and he could tow a boat with his willy."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 29 October 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Adrian leaves a note for the family when he decides to elope to Scotland, the doctor has to be called when Aveline has a pregnancy scare, and Joey finally snaps at having to deal with everyone else's problems.

"It doesn't matter for men. Only women grow old. Men are like cheese. The grottier it gets, the more desirable it is."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 3 November 1991
Directed by: John B. Hobbs
Written by: Carla Lane

Grandad dreams about the day when he finally says goodbye to Kelsall Street, Nellie finds herself sitting with the two women she despises the most, and Adrian and Joey return home as completely different men.

"I would bounce him by his balls if it were me. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Ceiling and floor, ceiling and floor, bounce, bounce."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

NELLIE
BOSWELL

Played by Jean Boht
74 episodes (1986-1991)

JOEY
BOSWELL

Played by Peter Howitt
39 episodes (1986-1988)

JOEY
BOSWELL

Played by Graham Bickley
35 episodes (1989-1991)

ADRIAN
BOSWELL

Played by Jonathon Morris
74 episodes (1986-1991)

AVELINE
BOSWELL

Played by Gilly Coman
39 episodes (1986-1988)

AVELINE
BOSWELL

Played by Melanie Hill
35 episodes (1989-1991)

BILLY
BOSWELL

Played by Nick Conway
74 episodes (1986-1991)

GRANDAD

Played by Kenneth Waller
74 episodes (1986-1991)

FREDDIE
BOSWELL

Played by Ronald Forfar
62 episodes (1986-1990)

JACK
BOSWELL

Played by Victor McGuire
61 episodes (1986-1991)

REVEREND
OSWALD CARTER

Played by Giles Watling
49 episodes (1988-1991)

SHIFTY
BOSWELL

Played by Bryan Murray
49 episodes (1988-1991)

LILO
LIL

Played by Eileen Pollock
43 episodes (1987-1991)

JULIE
JEFFERSON

Played by Caroline Milmoe
12 episodes (1986-1987)

JULIE
JEFFERSON

Played by Hilary Crowson
41 episodes (1987-1989)

MARTINA
(D.H.S.S.)

Played by Pamela Power
37 episodes (1986-1991)

DEREK

Played by Peter Byrne
23 episodes (1988-1991)

LEONORA
CAMPBELL

Played by Deborah Grant
19 episodes (1990-1991)

ROXY

Played by Joanna Phillips-Lane
19 episodes (1987-1991)

CARMEN

Played by Jenny Jay
12 episodes (1987)

CELIA
HIGGINS

Played by Rita Tushingham
11 episodes (1988)

FATHER
DOOLEY

Played by J.G. Devlin
11 episodes (1986-1988)

YIZZEL

Played by Charles Lawson
11 episodes (1986-1989)

YIZZEL'S
MATE

Played by Simon Rouse
10 episodes (1986-1989)

IRENEE

Played by Sharon Byatt
9 episodes (1990-1991)

CONNIE

Played by Katy Carmichael
5 episodes (1991)