The Wayne Hills Herald, Vol. I

-October 15th, 2012-

Shocking news surfacing out of Hawaii tonight, as The Wayne Hills Herald has just confirmed that they have been with a disasterous tsunami after Hung Mac dipped his penis into it. This is not the first time that Mac has cause such a problem, with Hurricane Irene being directly connected to Mac's skinny dip session of 10/25/12. No word yet on casualties, but it doesn't look good.



[Update: The wreckage is still being sorted, but the current death toll is 27. Hung Mac is apparently in hiding after the incident, with many calling for surgery to decrease the size of his phallus.]

-November 12th, 2011-

Well, it appears that the $800mil. Michael Brinegar fiasco Leon: The Making of a King has hit yet another snag. This morning, a production assistant to the film filed a lawsuit against Michael Brinegar and Bottom O' Barrel Productions citing both mental and physical abuse at the hands of Brinegar himself. This is the thirty-seventh suit against the film, all stemming from abuse perpetrated by Brinegar, ususally by pencil stabbings. When questioned about the massive amount of lawsuits, Mr Brinegar said, "Bitches get dem' sour grapes." Analysts here at the Herald are still attempting to translate that statement. The film has been in production now for about two years now, and gone $700 million over budget due to so many court cases.

[Update: In December of 2011, the suit was settled out of court for a reported $30mil. Leon: The Making of a King is still shooting, with Brinegar stating that the film will be finished by the end of the year. No translation was ever found for his statement above.]

[Second Update: The film has yet to be finished, and Brinegar is now in jail for assault, and not washing his dishes.]

-August 15th, 2011-

After a huge summer for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, star Optimus Prime now finds himself in hot water after a night of drunken partying. Last night, after the film crossed the $1 billion mark, Prime and friends decided to spend a night on the town and celebrated at a local Miami bar, Fizz. After consuming one too many drinks, Prime began dancing erratically and eventually tripped and fell, destroying the club instantly. It's been reported that as many as 70 people have been injured, and at least 3 dead. Prime has been detained by W.A.S.P. and is currently awaiting arraignment.

[Upadate: Prime was sentenced to 3 years in prison, and 6 years of probation. He was, and still is being, sued by all of the victims of the Fizz incident, and lost each case in civil court. He has paid over $50mil. so far, with several other cases still pending.]

-January 4th, 2012-

Santa Claus may have just made his way to the naughty list. This morning, Claus was arrested and charged for over a billion counts of breaking and entering. Claus plead not guilty on the grounds of not being a real person, though from what we've seen, the prosecution has an incredibly solid case, including DNA samples from several glasses of milk. His attorney Ira Goldstein released a statement saying, "The prosuction's case is all circumstantial and bears validity." The trial is set to begin next month, and is expected to be quite speedy.



[Update: After the case began looking more and more dreary for Claus, he decided to try to flee, hopping into his white Ford Bronco and drivng away. After a lengthy chase, Claus eventually pulled over and counts of evaiding police custody were added. On October 31st of this year, Claus was found not guilty, sending a shockwave throughout the world. Apparently, the courts are looking into possible Jury tampering and bribery. As for now, Santa is back in his home and looking forward to the holiday season.]

-November 29th, 2012-

Snuggle, the teddy bear mascot of the fabric softener of the same name, has quit. According to sources, a contract dispute as to how much he would be making in 2013 was never rectified, and he has decided to pursue other interests. The first endevour that Snuggle is opting to launch is a fabric softener called Bitch Softener, and is being marketed to pimps and hoes everywhere.

-February 21st, 2012-

Mel Gibson coming under fire after it was announced that his next project would be a sequel to What Women Want, entitled What Jews Want. The film has already sparked protests outside Paramount Pictures, the studio backing the film. After the screenplay for the film was leaked last month, it was slammed for it's anti-semitic elements, such as the entire plot revolves around them starting World Wars for the sole purpose of making money.



[Update: Just three days after this article was publlished, Paramount backed out of financing the film, though that has not stopped Mel and his company Icon Production from financing it. It is expected to be released sometime in 2014 (with none of the original cast, with the exception of Gibson.]

-October 4th, 2012-

The Wayne Hills Herald has just obtained some of the most shocking news in world history. After analyzing mountains of evidence and countles years of research, we can now confirm that Abraham Lincoln; 16th President of the United States, abolisher of slavery, and country unifier was infact...two midgets in a suit and tophat. The evidence that brought over the top was examing handwriting samples, showing that Lincoln had two vastly different handwriting styles, and two seperate sets of fingerprints. More on this story as it develops.



[Update: Verne Troyer and Emmanuelle Lewis have signed onto do a movie about the two midgets, projected to make an awards season run at the end of next year.]

-December 28th, 2011-

Another day, another paternity test. Joey, the horse from the Golden Globe nominated film War Horse is being accused of impregnating a human woman. The accuser, Shaniequa Watermelliana, claims that she and Joey engaged in sexual congress after the Los Angeles premiere of the film. Joey's reps say that the claim is "outrageous," while doctors call it "impossible."



[Update: It turns out that she was impregnated by Andy Dick dressed in a horse custom.]