British Comedy: Are You Being Served?

Years: 1973-1985
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd, David Croft,
Michael Knowles, John T. Chapman
Stars: Mollie Sugden, John Inman
Episodes: 68
Episode Average: 7.015

BEST EPISODES:
No Sale (1976), The Apartment (1979)

PILOT

(1972)

PILOT

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

Originally broadcast: 8 September 1972
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Ladies' Wear is moved to the same floor as Menswear, Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Grainger clash over the centre display, and Captain Peacock shows Mr. Lucas how to flute his handkerchief.

"She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there instead."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SERIES ONE

(1973)
5 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 8.4
Perfect 10's: 2

S1E1

DEAR SEXY KNICKERS...

Originally broadcast: 21 March 1973
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Humphries demonstrates some tricks of the trade, Mr. Lucas tries to get a message to Miss Brahms, and Captain Peacock is shocked to learn of his own interest in Mrs. Slocomb's undergarments.

"No, but he did have a funny look on his face that time he
offered to help me down with my corsets."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

OUR FIGURES ARE SLIPPING

Originally broadcast: 28 March 1973
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Rumbold has the staff stay behind to discuss sales technique, Miss Brahms is offered a night with an 'unsatisfied virgin', and Mr. Lucas sells Mr. Grace the perfect coat.

"Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I wish to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

CAMPING IN

Originally broadcast: 4 April 1973
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Lucas is asked to take an awkward measurement, a transport strike leaves the staff stranded at the store, and Miss Brahms refuses to leave Capt. Peacock's bed.

"Oooh. The thing you see when you haven't got your gun!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

HIS AND HERS

Originally broadcast: 11 April 1973
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Grainger's trousers are removed, there's a new display in the department, and both departments work together to protect their commissions.

"You've certainly caused a stir in the trouser department."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

DIAMONDS ARE A MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Originally broadcast: 18 April 1973
Directed by: Bernard Thompson
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A wealthy customer offers a reward for a lost diamond, Captain Peacock grows a third leg, and the staff try to cheat each other when more than one jewel is found.

"Oh well. When you get pregnant, you'll get your maternity grant."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES TWO

(1974)
5 episodes
Series Score: 33
Episode Average: 6.6
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

THE CLOCK

Originally broadcast: 14 March 1974
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Slocombe gets a new pussy, Mr. Grainger celebrates his 65th, and the staff speculate about a cuckoo clock.

"You know what they say about vodka, Mrs. Slocombe. One's all right, two at the most, three under the table, four under the host."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

COLD COMFORT

Originally broadcast: 21 March 1974
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The heating is turned off when fuel supplies run low, management orders that no heating devices should be used on the shop floor, and the staff come up with ingenious ways to keep warm.

"Oh, it's the Masked Stranger. Take my body but leave my jewels alone."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE THINK TANK

Originally broadcast: 28 March 1974
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Captain Peacock discovers that he's wearing the wrong hat, Mr. Rumbold is concerned about sales figures, and the staff take part in a fashion show.

"Mr. Mash, in future I would like you to wash the female dummies with a petticoat on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

BIG BROTHER

Originally broadcast: 4 April 1974
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The department is chosen to test new security cameras, Mrs. Slocombe leaps into action when a shoplifter's spotted, and Mr. Rumbold hears some troubling news regarding his health.

"You know, only the other day, a customer reached across the counter and put his hand in my Fair Isle drawers. He said he was going to pay."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

HOORAH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Originally broadcast: 11 April 1974
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

There are plans to redecorate the department, staff are told they'll have to rethink their holiday plans, and a slide show in the boardroom is met with disbelief.

"I 'ave. I've come to stick this up Mrs. Slocombe's corsets."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES THREE

(1975)
8 episodes
Series Score: 58*
Episode Average: 7.25
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S3E1

THE HAND OF FATE

Originally broadcast: 27 February 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A foreign customer causes amusement on the shop floor, Mr. Humphries reveals his palmistry skills, and an opening on the board leaves the staff clamouring for promotion.

"Captain Peacock, as soon as I've had my tea, I shall bring it up in front of Mr. Rumbold."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

COFFEE MORNING

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Grainger's challenged about his breaks, a signing-in book is introduced, and Mash calls for action.

"Oh, for the return of the romantic age, when one's heart leapt at the sight of an ankle slipping into a hansom cab. Now it's clunk, click, strip off quick."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

UP CAPTAIN PEACOCK

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Capt. Peacock's rewarded for twenty years service, Mr. Grainger's annoyed that he doesn't get the same privileges, and the staff have to deal with hunger when lunch is pushed back an hour.

"Welcome to Mash's Meals On Wheels. Get your soup off me. Mulligatawny or mine strone, steaming hot or already blown!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

COLD STORE

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Lucas puts an onion under his arm, Miss Brahms refuses to work with Mrs. Slocombe, and Mr. Grainger has a spot of the gastrics.

"I don't know what aftershave you're using, but you're coming over very strongly as a Lancashire Hotpot."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

WEDDING BELLS

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Slocombe isn't impressed with a new range of underwear, a customer gets stuck in a jumper, and Young Mr. Grace reveals that he has his eye on one of the ladies.

"It was a great shock to Mr. Grainger to suddenly find ladies in his trousers."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

GERMAN WEEK

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

'German Week' begins at Grace Bros, sales figures suggest that the customers are as enthusiatic as the staff, and a suggestion to dress up hardly improves the mood.

"Oh, if you could only see yourselves. You look absolutely re-liculous."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER

Originally broadcast: 10 April 1975
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd, Michael Knowles

The decorators are in, Mr. Humphries has difficulty with a customer on the telephone, and both departments have to share the same area.

"Mrs. Slocombe, I demand that you take down your underwear immediately."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

NEW LOOK

Originally broadcast: 17 April 1975
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd, Michael Knowles

A new fountain leaves staff running for the loo, the suggestion box is checked, and someone's needed to record voice-overs for the store.

"Yes, why not? After all, we women can speak just as well as what you men can."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1975)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1975
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: John T. Chapman, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff discuss ways to boost Christmas sales figures, a festive meal turns out to be a little disappointing, and Young Mr. Grace arranges some festive costumes.

"That's never turkey, it's more like an emaciated budgie."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FOUR

(1976)
6 episodes
Series Score: 44*
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S4E1

NO SALE

Originally broadcast: 8 April 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A sales drive means early opening, the staff conspire to make the plan fail, and Mrs. Slocombe causes a domestic on the shop floor.

"You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

TOP HAT AND TAILS

Originally broadcast: 15 April 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A new automated display unit causes amusement, the staff prepare for a dancing competition, and Mr. Lucas needs a hand.

"If you ask me, we could all do with one of those. Can you imagine leaping out of bed and shouting, I'm late. I'm late. I must press button eight."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

FORWARD MR. GRAINGER

Originally broadcast: 22 April 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Rumbold goes away on a seminar, Capt. Peacock has to act surprised at an announcement, and Mrs. Slocombe gets the sack.

"Yes, sit and dream about the great trouser sale of 1938."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

FIRE PRACTICE

Originally broadcast: 29 April 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

An Arabian sheik tries to strike a deal for a pair of trousers, a fire drill goes badly, and training sees the wearing of hygienic lips.

"Mr. Grainger, a very wise man but jointy creaky."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

FIFTY YEARS ON

Originally broadcast: 5 May 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A pair of stockinged legs make eyes light up, there's a collection for a big birthday, and not all of the staff seem to know each other on a first name basis.

"I'm a great deal older than my teeth."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB

Originally broadcast: 12 May 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Peacock suspects infidelity, Mr. Rumbold refuses to lie, and Mr. Grainger has fruit in his ears.

"If you're going to prevaricate with me, I shall kick you right in the middle of the gentlemen's department."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SPECIAL

(1976)

SPECIAL

THE FATHER CHRISTMAS AFFAIR

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1976
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A Christmas Display Unit proves unsuitable, Mr. Grainger tries to learn a dance number, and the staff are all keen to get extra money for Christmas.

"That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FIVE

(1977)
7 episodes
Series Score: 55
Episode Average: 7.86
Perfect 10's: 1

S5E1

MRS. SLOCOMBE EXPECTS

Originally broadcast: 25 February 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff pretend to be customers, Mrs. Slocombe is overheard talking about new additions to her family, and Young Mr. Grace gets behind the counter again.

"Yes, 'ow much is they?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A REST

Originally broadcast: 4 March 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Grainger finds himself dropped down the pecking order, the staff are temporarily moved to the toy department, and the train set helps turn back the clock.

"If she wants to come over and give my Wibbly-Wobblies a swing, would I create a scene?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

FOUNDER'S DAY

Originally broadcast: 11 March 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Slocombe and Miss Brahms do battle over fur coats, Mr. Harman overhears a conversation in the canteen, and the staff pay tribute to Young Mr. Grace.

"All day long, you wielded your filleting knife and would you believe it, Mr. Grace, we have found, in Grace Brothers' kitchen, this very knife... which is almost identical to something very similar."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THE OLD ORDER CHANGES

Originally broadcast: 18 March 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Captain Peacock arrives in a bad mood, Mrs. Slocombe's unhappy about Miss Brahms being too frilly, and an American trip gives Young Mr. Grace some new ideas.

"You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

TAKE-OVER

Originally broadcast: 25 March 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

There's talk of a buyout, the staff scramble to look for new jobs, and Mr. Grace hatches a plan to save the company.

"Oh yeah, you could have a flashing light outside saying 'if your pussy's in the mood, have it clipped and then shampooed'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

GOODBYE MR. GRAINGER

Originally broadcast: 1 April 1977
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A meeting is called to decide on the future of Mr. Grainger, a pools win threatens to bring bad publicity, and a letter to Mr. Grace holds a few surprises.

"No! I've got to take these fiddling trousers back to the fiddling rail."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE

Originally broadcast: 8 April 1977
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Dummies are made of Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grace decides that his staff should star in an advert for the store, and a microphone falls into a very dark place.

"Nobody is shouting up my skirt saying they recognise the face."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

FILM

(1977)

FILM

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

Released: 10 June 1977
Directed by: Bob Kellett
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff go on holiday while the store's refurbished, the penthouses aren't quite as imagined, and an uprising threatens to put a stop to the fun.

"Gerroff! I would you have know these are real booby-doos."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

SERIES SIX

(1978)
5 episodes
Series Score: 30
Episode Average: 6.0
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S6E1

BY APPOINTMENT

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff return from their holidays with a variety of ailments, Mr. Tebbs takes over as head of menswear, and the store prepares for a royal visit.

"Because the quality don't wear their bosoms hitched up round their ear holes!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

THE CLUB

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff discuss the idea of a social club, Young Mr. Grace gives them use of a basement room, and decorating costs mean working together.

"Well, would you believe it! Do you know, I had five rolls of wallpaper under there!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

DO YOU TAKE THIS MAN?

Originally broadcast: 29 November 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Slocombe announces that she's to marry a Greek, a rich uncle offers to buy the married couple a house, and the staff hatch a plan when things start to go wrong.

"Blinmey. Archbishop Halitosis."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

SHEDDING THE LOAD

Originally broadcast: 6 December 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Falling sales mean that someone faces the chop, cutbacks have to made to the clothing allowance, and Mr. Humphries discovers that he's the most popular member of staff.

"Blimey, she must have long eyebrows."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

A BLISS GIRL

Originally broadcast: 13 December 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A promotional girl fails to turn up because of thick fog, Mr. Rumbold has to find a replacement, and Capt. Peacock's demotion is the talk of the store.

"You look like a cross between Nelson and Basil Brush."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1978)

SPECIAL

HAPPY RETURNS

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1978
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

It's Young Mr. Grace's birthday, Mr. Rumbold turns up to work wearing odd socks, and the staff prepare for a special birthday performance.

"Hm. So what it boils down to is that we've been called in at 8:30 to get a two-bob bit and hear that you've got odd-sock on."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SERIES SEVEN

(1979)
7 episodes
Series Score: 53
Episode Average: 7.57
Perfect 10's: 2
*not including special

S7E1

THE JUNIOR

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1979
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Tebbs' departure leaves a space in Menswear, an advertisement attracts a small variety of candidates, and Capt. Peacock is reminded of his past.

"Isn't it marvellous? 60 years' faithful service and the only sign that he's passed this way are his teethmarks in a bin."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

STRONG STUFF THIS INSURANCE

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1979
Directed by: Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

A new pension plan means medicals for the staff, Mr. Humphries enlists his old ballet teacher to get everyone into shape, and Menswear are caught with their trousers down.

"If you get through all that cabbage, you'll have more pressure than you can handle."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

THE APARTMENT

Originally broadcast: 2 November 1979
Directed by: David Croft, Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Squatters move into Mrs. Slocombe's new flat, Young Mr. Grace comes up with a way to help her, and a transport strike shows what real friendship is.

"Ladies' intimate apparel. I said 'ladies' intimate app...'. All right then, knickers and knocker covers."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

MRS. SLOCOMBE, SENIOR PERSON

Originally broadcast: 9 November 1979
Directed by: Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Rumbold gets struck down with food poisoning, Mrs. Slocombe is chosen as temporary replacement, and sales go up in her absence from Ladies' Wear.

"Yes. Get onto your friend at the Tailor and Cutter, Mr. Humphries, and insert an advertisement. 'Wanted: Crabby old bag to be dragon in charge of ladies' intimate apparel. Age inderterminate."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

THE HERO

Originally broadcast: 16 November 1979
Directed by: Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Am embarrassing rumour spreads from the Sports Department, a boxing challenges is accepted, and a doctor's note leads to a late substitution.

"Ah. Yes. I see what the trouble is, sir. They're pure wool, you see. Now, very often pure wool socks are made from two different herds. Now, you might get one come from the Shetlands, the other down in Cornwall. Now, the Shetland lot won't shrink, cos they're standing in the rain all day. So this must be the Cornish sock and that's the Shetland one."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO

Originally broadcast: 23 November 1979
Directed by: Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The canteen staff demand a written apology after comments about standards, Capt. Peacock takes command of the kitchen, and complaints soon turn into compliments.

"No, he's the one that runs about in shorts, telling you how the world began. Apparently, it all started as thick soup with little orgasms crawling round in it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

THE AGENT

Originally broadcast: 30 November 1979
Directed by: Gordon Elsbury
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mr. Goldberg tries to recruit his colleagues for rival stores, Young Mr. Grace gets new glasses, and the staff try their best to get sacked.

"Are you the drip that dried it?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(1976)

SPECIAL

THE PUNCH AND JUDY AFFAIR

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1979
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff decide not to take part in a company-wide strike, there's bad feeling in the store. and Mr. Humphries directs a life-size Punch and Judy show..

"Ah well, that's all right, then. Once upon a time there were a lot of cobblers."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES EIGHT

(1981)
7 episodes
Series Score: 48*
Episode Average: 6.86
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S8E1

IS IT CATCHING?

Originally broadcast: 9 April 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Mrs. Slocombe is unhappy about a new shoe display, Old Mr. Grace takes over from Young Mr. Grace, and the staff are forced into quanrantine.

"No lady would allow a strange man to be a position where he can have a peekaboo when she's trying something on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2

A PERSONAL PROBLEM

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Capt. Peacock doesn't show up for work, Mr. Rumbold has a new secretary, and suspicions of infidelity lead to great risk.

"And what's more, it's genuine synthetic mohair."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3

FRONT PAGE STORY

Originally broadcast: 23 April 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Old Mr. Grace decides to publish a store magazine, Mr. Rumbold appoints Mr. Humphries as editor, and Miss Brahms refuses to enter a beauty contest.

"If you sat on my knee, I'd want danger money."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E4

SIT OUT

Originally broadcast: 30 April 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Sales drop to zero, Old Mr. Grace cuts salaries by 10%, and the staff take to the roof in protest.

"Well, sir, there's a recession, minimum lending rate has not been cut. The Russians are still in Afghanistan. Oil has gone up $3 a barrel. The share index is down 14 points... But I think the main factor is that the rain has been tiddling down all morning."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E5

HEIR APPARENT

Originally broadcast: 7 May 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The staff do battle over a cut-price fur coat, Capt. Peacock's asked to make a report for Grace Bros. Salesperson of the Year, and Mr. Humphries discovers that he's destined to take over the store.

"Do you know, I was awake all night worrying I wouldn't wake up."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E6

CLOSED CIRCUIT

Originally broadcast: 21 May 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

Grace Bros. decide to make a promotional video, a more suitable voice is given to Miss Brahms, and a Lord calls with a dinner invitation.

"'Ere, just a minute, tell her to get a move on. I'm in me dreamy nightwear and she's still in her panty girdles."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E7

THE EROTIC DREAMS OF MRS. SLOCOMBE

Originally broadcast: 28 May 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The department win tickets to the ballet, Mrs. Slocombe confesses to dreaming about Mr. Humphries, and the staff place an advert in a contact magazine.

"Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SPECIAL

(1981)

SPECIAL

ROOTS

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1981
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: David Croft, Jeremy Lloyd

The packing department remove the fuses in protest, Mr. Grace celebrates his 90th birthday, and the department attempt to trace the roots of the Grace family.

"Now I know what the miners meant when they said, 'One out, the lot out'."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

SERIES NINE

(1983)
6 episodes
Series Score: 41
Episode Average: 6.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S9E1

THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

Originally broadcast: 22 April 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

The lifts are turned off out of hours to save money, there are further cutbacks in the canteen, and Mrs. Slocombe starts selling her irresistible home-made perfume.

"Has Mrs. Slocombe got size-40 knickers?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E2

CONDUCT UNBECOMING

Originally broadcast: 29 April 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Breakfast with the secretary makes Capt. Peacock late, Spooner tries to cover for the erratic behaviour of Mr. Humphries, and Mr. Rumbold announces that money is missing from the Menswear till.

"I can see it now. 'Peacock in Pentonville. The toff tells all'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E3

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS

Originally broadcast: 6 May 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

An epidemic means that the sports department is temporarily sharing the department, Mrs, Slocombe gets hit on the head by a golf ball, and a naughty girl starts a food fight in the canteen.

"Hello, Big Ears. Where's Noddy's house?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E4

CALLING ALL CUSTOMERS

Originally broadcast: 13 May 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Sales are down again, the staff write stories for broadcast on CB radio, and Mr. Humphries becomes increasingly frustrated during production.

"Oh, they are for my pussy. Do you know, it wins a prize every time I show it."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E5

MONKEY BUSINESS

Originally broadcast: 20 May 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

A pay rise fails to materialise, a monkey escapes from the pet department, and talk of a Japanese takeover takes the staff to Downing Street.

"What sort of monkey? Paraguayan? What do they look like? Long arms, bald head and big ears. That sounds hideous."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E6

LOST AND FOUND

Originally broadcast: 27 May 1983
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

The staff worry when Mrs. Slocombe goes missing, Mrs. Slocombe worries when her pussy goes missing, and Mrs. Humphries worries when the sofa threatens to go missing.

"I felt it in the canteen. Our eyes met and I knew you knew, I knew you knew I knew."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES TEN

(1985)
7 episodes
Series Score: 40
Episode Average: 5.71
Perfect 10's: 0

S10E1

GOODBYE MRS. SLOCOMBE

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

A new directive's introduced to make people of a certain age redundant, Mrs. Slocombe refuses to go, and her replacement soon gets up everybody's nose.

"You're the one that needs the umbrella. The rain's got in your ear and made your brain soggy, you daft boy!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E2

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

Originally broadcast: 25 February 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Infatuation sees a new woman in accounts, the Peacocks have marital issue, and a moustache isn't allowed to get in the way of a bold new look.

"You look like an underdone hamburger."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E3

THE HOLD UP

Originally broadcast: 4 March 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

The staff stay late for stocktaking, robbers take Miss Brahms hostage, and a vicious gangster gang take over the job.

"Look. They've got Miss Brahms at their mercy. They could be doing anything to her. Oh, I wish I'd gone in her place."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E4

GAMBLING FEVER

Originally broadcast: 11 March 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

The staff try to keep cool in a heatwave, Mr. Harman persuades everyone to bet their bonuses on a horse, and Mr. Humphries does his best to commentate on the action.

"Yes, and if you was a block of flats, you'd be condemned by now."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E5

THE NIGHT CLUB

Originally broadcast: 18 March 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Old Mr. Grace allows the staff to use the department at night, Mr. Humphries directs a commercial for the new club, and a cinema connection is seen as the perfect way to attract custom.

"Never mind, Just go back and stand over there. And try not to multiply."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E6

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS

Originally broadcast: 25 March 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Old Mr. Grace refuses to cover transport expenses, Mr. Humphries gets the sack, and apartments are made available on the top floor.

"Well, as this is out first night away from home in our flat, I want to be sure I don't go without my little Tiddles."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E7

THE POP STAR

Originally broadcast: 1 April 1985
Directed by: Martin Shardlow
Written by: Jeremy Lloyd

Constant lateness results in demotion to lift duty, Mr. Spooner's offered a recording contract, and the staff fight for positions in the backing group.

"Miss Belfridge, I shall be obliged if you'd switch your motor off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

Mr. CUTHBERT RUMBOLD

Floor Manager
Played by Nicholas Smith
68 episodes (1972-1985)
in... No Sale (1976)

also appeared in the pilot

YOUNG Mr. GRACE

Store Owner
Played by Harold Bennett
45 episodes (1972-1981)
in... The Think Tank (1974)

also appeared in the pilot

OLD Mr. HENRY GRACE

Store Owner
Played by Kenneth Waller
8 episodes (1981)
in... Sit Out (1981)

Capt. STEPHEN PEACOCK

Floorwalker
Played by Frank Thornton
68 episodes (1972-1985)
in... A Change Is as Good as a Rest (1977)

also appeared in the pilot

Mr. WILBERFORCE CLAYBORNE HUMPHRIES

Sales Assistant / Senior Sales Assistant
Played by John Inman
68 episodes (1972-1985)
in... Christmas Crackers (1975)

also appeared in the pilot

Mr. DICK LUCAS

Junior Sales Assistant / Sales Assistant
Played by Trevor Bannister
47 episodes (1972-1979)
in... Mrs. Slocombe Expect7 (1975)

also appeared in the pilot

Mr. ERNEST GRAINGER

Senior Sales Assistant
Played by Arthur Brough
33 episodes (1972-1977)
in... Christmas Crackers (1975)

also appeared in the pilot

Mr. BERT SPOONER

Junior Sales Assistant
Played by Mike Berry
21 episodes (1981-1985)
in... Conduct Unbecoming (1983)

Mr. HARRY GOLDBERG

Junior / Senior Sales Assistant
Played by Alfie Bass
8 episodes (1979)
in... The Junior (1979)

Mr. PERCIVAL TEBBS

Senior Sales Assistant
Played by James Hayter
6 episodes (1978)
in... Shedding the Load (1978)

Mr. GROSSMAN

Sales Assistant - Shoes
Played by Milo Sperber
4 episodes (1981)
in... Is It Catching? (1981)

Mr. ABRAHAM KLEIN

Senior Sales Assistant / Cutting
Played by Benny Lee
4 episodes (1981)
in... The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe (1981)

Mrs. BETTY SLOCOMBE

Senior Sales Assistant
Played by Mollie Sugden
68 episodes (1972-1985)
in... Up Captain Peacock (1975)

also appeared in the pilot

Miss SHIRLEY BRAHMS

Junior Sales Assistant
Played by Wendy Richard
68 episodes (1972-1985)
in... Hoorah For the Holidays (1974)

also appeared in the pilot

Mr. BEVERLEY HARMAN

Maintenance
Played by Arthur English
48 episodes (1976 - 1985)
in... Oh What a Tangled Web (1976)

Also referred to as 'Harry'.

Mr. MASH

Maintenance
Played by Larry Martyn
17 episodes (1972 - 1975)
in... His and Hers (1973)

also appeared in the pilot

-

Secretary
Played by Debbie Linden
5 episodes (1981)
in... Is It Catching? (1981)

Miss BELFRIDGE

Secretary
Played by Candy Davis
13 episodes (1983-1985)
in... Gambling Fever (1985)

Miss BAKEWELL

Secretary
Played by Penny Irving
5 episodes (1976-1979)
in... Oh What a Tangled Web (1976)

-

Secretary
Played by Stephanie Gathercole
4 episodes (1972-1974)
in... Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (1973)

also appeared in the pilot

Miss AINSWORTH

Secretary
Played by Nina Francis
2 episodes (1975)
in... The Hand of Fate (1975)

Miss THORPE

Secretary
Played by Moira Foot
3 episodes (1975)
in... German Week (1975)

Miss. VIRGINIA EDWARDS

Deputy Secretary
Played by Louise Burton
4 episodes (1981)
in... Sit Out (1981)

OTHER SECRETARIES

-

Secretary
Played by Isabella Rye
1 episode (1976)
in... Forward Mr. Grainger (1976)

Miss MONICA HAZLEWOOD

Secretary
Played by Melita Manger
1 episode (1976)
in... Oh What a Tangled Web (1976)

Mrs. PEACOCK

Secretary
Played by Diana King
3 episodes (1976-1983)
in... A Personal Problem (1981)

The role of Mrs. Peacock was later played by Diana Lambert.

AND...

-

Typist
Played by Bernice Adams
1 episodes (1978)
in... A Bliss Girl (1978)

-

Nurse
Played by Pat Astley
7 episodes (1976-1977)
in... Mrs. Slocombe Expects (1977)

-

Nurse
Played by Vivienne Johnson
22 episodes (1978-1981)
in... A Bliss Girl (1978)

Mrs. DIANA YARDSWICK

Canteen Manageress
Played by Doremy Vernon
15 episodes (1975-1985)
in... Is It Catching? (1981)

GODDARD

Chauffeur
Played by Freddie Wiles
14 episodes (1972-1978)
in... Coffee Morning (1975)

also appeared in the pilot

RETURNED AS A ONE-OFF FOR THE BBC SITCOM SEASON

SPECIAL

(2016)

SPECIAL

YOU CAN'T TEACH A NEW DOG OLD TRICKS

Originally broadcast: 28 August 2016
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Derren Litten

MR. HUMPHREYS
Played by Jason Watkins

MRS. SLOCOMBE
Played by Sherrie Hewson

CAPT. PEACOCK
Played by John Challis

MR. GRAINGER
Played by Roy Barraclough

MR. CONWAY
Played by Kayode Ewumi

MISS BRAHMS
Played by Niky Wardley

MR. HARMAN
Played by Arthur Smith

YOUNG MR. GRACE
Played by Mathew Horne

MR. RUMBOLD
Played by Justin Edwards

MISS CROFT
Played by Jorgie Porter

Mr. Humphreys finds that the new man in menswear has no experience, Young Mr. Grace looks for ways to drag the store into the 20th century, and Capt. Peacock finds one of the men wearing inappropriate footwear.

"I can assure you a ship needs a captain at the wheel. Why have cabin boys running around when you can have a deck covered in seamen?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6