British Comedy: The Royle Family

Years: 1998-2012
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Carmel Morgan, Phil Mealey
Stars: Ricky Tomlinson, Sue Johnston
Episodes: 25
Episode Average: 8.040*

BEST EPISODES:
The Queen of Sheba (2006), Christmas with the Royle Family (1999)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

BILLS, BILLS, BILLS

Originally broadcast: 14 September 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Jim wants to know who's been calling Aberdeen, Barbara's preparing for a new job, and Dave's had corned beef hash for tea.

"Oh, just get them ate. They all go to make a turd."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

MAKING ENDS MEET

Originally broadcast: 21 September 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Jim complains about the cost of Denise's wedding, while Denise is more concerned with what she can get out of it.

"I'm not fiddling with meself! I paid a quid for these underpants,
and I've got fifty pence worth stuck up me arse."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Originally broadcast: 28 September 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Denise is having her wedding dress fitted, and Jim gets fed up with too much chat during Antiques Roadshow.

"You can't have a decent shit in this house. I'll bake it till she's gone."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

DAD'S BIRTHDAY

Originally broadcast: 5 October 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

It's Jim's birthday, Denise has a new jacket, and Antony has a black eye.

"I will buggery. There's five minutes left on that. Save on the leccy."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

ANOTHER WOMAN

Originally broadcast: 12 October 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Denise says the weddings off after she catches Dave flirting with Beverly Macca, and Jim gets his banjo out.

"Do you know, I'm glad that wedding's back on again. I'm always upset when you call it off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

WEDDING DAY

Originally broadcast: 19 October 1998
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

It's the morning of the wedding and everyone's getting ready, but Jim's upset stomach threatens to shower the happy couple with something other than confetti.

"If I get married again, the something blue will be the veins in my legs."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES TWO

(1999)
6 episodes
Series Score: 50*
Episode Average: 8.33
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S2E1

PREGNANCY

Originally broadcast: 23 September 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Denise announces that she's pregnant, not that Nana cares... at least not until after Coronation Street.

"Hey, I'll not put the mockers on your shrivelled knockers."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

SUNDAY LUNCH

Originally broadcast: 30 September 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Barbara's flustered as she serves up Sunday lunch for the family... and Twiggy, and the amount of toilet talk does nothing to improve her mood.

"Jim, no shit, please, while we're having dinner."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

NANA'S COMING TO STAY

Originally broadcast: 7 October 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Jim's not happy that Norma's coming to stay after her cataract operation, and Antony not only has a new girlfriend with a car, but he's also managing a band.

"They're laughing at you, you dopey bugger... it's not Homo, it's Homer!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

NANA COMES TO STAY

Originally broadcast: 14 October 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Norma's driving Jim mad, and Antony's band has split up.

"Bloody hell, Barb, there's no chance of us forgetting, is there. I don't know where she inherits this lazy bloody streak from."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

BARBARA FINALLY HAS ENOUGH

Originally broadcast: 21 October 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Barbara's had enough of Jim's lazy ways, and Jim shocks everyone by making a brew.

"Get lost! You're way lazier than me."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

ANTONY'S BIRTHDAY

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

It's Antony's 18th and the family finally get to meet Emma, there's a foul smell in the air, and Joe takes over Jim's little sing-song.

"Ah, well, have to nip upstairs. Got a turtle's head in me underpants."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIAL

(1999)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS WITH THE ROYLE FAMILY

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1999
Directed by: Steve Bendelack
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Nobody enjoyed the turkey but there's horror at the suggestion of not having it next year, Dave buys Denise a mobile phone for emergencies, and Denise goes into labour.

"Oh, Crinkly Bottom my arse!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES THREE

(2000)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47*
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S3E1

BABY

Originally broadcast: 16 October 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Jim fancies a few more channels, Dave proves he's more nappy-trained than Jim, and Darren's been sacked for trying to nick a fridge/freezer from work.

"Oh, Jim, we don't want Sky. We don't watch telly enough to get the value."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

BABYSITTING

Originally broadcast: 23 October 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Denise and Dave have hangovers after their anniversary drink, Joe loses an argument with a cheese grater, and Antony gets left in the lurch.

"Can't believe our Antony. He'd have left him crying all day. And he's his uncle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

DECORATING

Originally broadcast: 30 October 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Jim and Twiggy are stripping the wallpaper in the dining room, Dave misplaces the van, and Darren's dating Tina Turner from Argos.

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

FUNERAL

Originally broadcast: 6 December 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Much to the annoyance of Jim, Norma seems to be able to find the good in the death of her friend, and Barbara decides that she isn't cooking for the family.

"That's not bloody perishable stuff, that. You're a bloody old vulture, you."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

LONDON

Originally broadcast: 13 December 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Antony's planning to go to London with Darren, the sausages have gone off, and Nana's having toilet problems.

"She'd like a bloody chocolate bloody pillow, would Cheryl."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE CHRISTENING

Originally broadcast: 20 December 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Everyone heads back to the house after Baby David's christening, including Twiggy's new loud mouth girlfriend, and Antony has an announcement.

"Weren't that other family dead rough?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1999)

SPECIAL

THE ROYLE FAMILY AT CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2000
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

It's Baby David's first birthday, Emma's parents visit, and Jim gets the perfect Christmas present.

"Bye-bye Dabry Babid."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

We'd have happily awarded this even more points, this episode is absolutely bloody fantastic, 20/10!

SPECIAL

(2006)

SPECIAL

THE QUEEN OF SHEBA

Originally broadcast: 29 October 2006
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Phil Mealey

Norma's stolen Jim's remote control batteries, Denise is expecting her second child, and a bedridden Norma asks Denise to make sure that her funeral is fun.

"Oh, he hit the roof. He said he'd like to shove that fan right up
your nana's arse... sideways!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIAL

(2008)

SPECIAL

THE NEW SOFA

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2008
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Phil Mealey

Denise takes on the Christmas dinner, Twiggy invites himself, and Jim changes the seating plan to avoid Dave's dad.

"I've got a feeling I should've taken it out of the freezer last night."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

SPECIAL

(2009)

SPECIAL

THE GOLDEN EGG CUP

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2009
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Phil Mealey

It's Jim and Barbara's wedding anniversary, and they head off with Dave and Denise to Prestatyn, but they miss their home comforts.

"Surely they don't expect you to spend a week in the Pearl of Prestatyn without a chip pan?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(2010)

SPECIAL

JOE'S CRACKERS

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2010
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Phil Mealey

Joe's looking at selling up after his wife dies, there's talk of a Royle wedding, and Barbara's new Dyson comes in handy sooner than expected.

"I wish you could have met my wife Mary, but she's dead at the moment."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SPECIAL

(2012)

SPECIAL

BARBARA'S OLD RING

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2012
Directed by: Caroline Aherne
Written by Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Phil Mealey

Barbara loses her wedding ring, Jim wins £100, Dave's having trouser problems, and Joe puts an ad in the lonely hearts.

"Oh no, Denice. Poor Jocelyn, having Dave's dicky in her inbox."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

JAMES RANDOLPH ROYLE

Played by Ricky Tomlinson
(25 episodes)
in... Christmas with the Royle Family (1999)

BARBARA ROYLE

Played by Sue Johnston
(25 episodes)
in... Nana's Coming to Stay (1999)

DENISE BEST

Played by Caroline Aherne
(25 episodes)
in... Sunday Afternoon (1998)

DAVID BEST

Played by Craig Cash
(23 episodes)
in... The Christening (2000)

ANTONY JAMES ROYLE

Played by Ralf Little
(23 episodes)
in... Making Ends Meet (1998)

CHERYL CARROLL

Played by Jessica Hynes
(13 episodes)
in... Nana Comes to Stay (1999)

NORMA SPEAKMAN

Played by Liz Smith
(11 episodes)
in... The Queen of Sheba (2006)

JOE CARROLL

Played by Peter Martin
(11 episodes)
in... Antony's Birthday (1999)

MARY CARROLL

Played by Doreen Keogh
(9 episodes)
in... Dad's Birthday (1998)

TWIGGY

Played by Geoffrey Hughes
(8 episodes)
in... The New Sofa (2008)

DARREN SINCLAIR-JONES

Played by Andrew Whyment
(5 episodes)
in... Baby (2000)

EMMA KAVANAGH

Played by Sheridan Smith
(3 episodes)
in... The Royle Family at Christmas (2000)