British Comedy: Murder Most Horrid

Years: 1991-1999
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Dark Comedy
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman,
Paul Smith, James Hendrie, Jon Canter,
Steven Moffat, Terry Kyan, and others.
Stars: Dawn French
Episodes: 24
Episode Average: 7.792

BEST EPISODES:
Overkill (1994), Mrs Hat and Mrs Red (1991)

SERIES ONE

(1991)
6 episodes
Series Score: 50
Episode Average: 8.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

THE CASE OF THE MISSING

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1991
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman

WPC DIANE SOFTLY
(Dawn French)

CHIEF INSPECTOR
(Bill Paterson)

PATHOLOGIST
(Timothy Spall)

EDITOR
(Peter Bland)

SGT. DAWKINS
(Stephen Frost)

CONSTABLE WILLIAMS
(Gary Love)

MAX RAMMELL
(Paul Mark Elliott)

Passengers on the number 49 bus see a man trowelled to death by three hooded men, a meeting of masons discuss the need for a plan, and a traffic cop is assigned to the case.

"Look, let's get this clear right from the beginning, all of you. I may be a woman, that's undeniable because of these lumps in the front of my shirt, but otherwise, there is no difference bewtween me and any other senior officers."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

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S1E2

THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1991
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

MARIA
(Dawn French)

MAURICE HOWLING
(Martin Jarvis)

LYDIA HOWLING
(Jane Asher)

SIR HUGH LOTTERBY
(James Cossins)

LYDIA'S FRIEND
(Marsha Fitzalan)

LEONARD
(Christopher Good)

A Brazilian housekeeper arrives at the home of a politician, crumpling the bed linen proves to be a chore too far, and an overheard conversation explains events back home in South America.

"Vol-au vent for you, glasses for you, and penis for you?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E3

HE DIED A DEATH

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1991
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman

JUDY TALENT
(Dawn French)

TONY SPARKLE
(Tony Slattery)

INSPECTOR SALFORD
(Kenneth Cranham)

BERYL
(Gwen Taylor)

INSPECTOR TURNER
(Kevin McNally)

BASIL HAMPTON
(Stephen Moore)

SARAH DEVEREAUX
(Harriet Thorpe)

REG
(Robin Driscoll)

SIMON PLEASANCE
(Kevin Allen)

TIMMY DUVAL
(Greg Crutwell)

TOGO IGAWA
(Japanese Tourist)

Rivalry causes friction between the actors of a theatre company, the death of the murder victim causes shock on stage, and policeman on a training exercise make up the majority of a tiny audience.

"Oh, Timmy, treasure, while you've got your tongue jammed up Judy's bottom, could you have a rummage round for my car keys? Thanks."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S1E4

A DETERMINED WOMAN

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1991
Directed by: James Hendrie
Written by: James Hendrie

RITA PROOPS
(Dawn French)

SELWYN PROOPS
(Jim Broadbent)

HELEN
(Kathy Burke)

DR. RACHEL VINE
(Caroline Blakiston)

A physicist is fired from her job at a university, her husband has to live with her using household items as she pushed on with her project at home, and a moment of rage needs to be put right.

"No, but I can still wiggle my ear, can't I?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E5

MURDER AT TEA TIME

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1991
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Graham Alborough, Jez Alborough

BUNTY BRESLAW
(Dawn French)

COLIN
(Dexter Fletcher)

MRS. GROVE
(Diane Bull)

SIMON GROVE
(Ben Davis)

SALLY
(Jane Bowker)

JONATHAN
(David Harewood)

A successful children's TV presenter takes issue with her younger co-presenter, a series of letters request dangerous and undesirable adventures, and a young boy is desperate to win the Gold Award.

"I mean, this kid... It's Bob Geldof. Bob Geldof without the stubble."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E6

MRS. HAT AND MRS. RED

Originally broadcast: 19 December 1991
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Ian Brown, James Hendrie

MISS KATIE HATCLIFFE /
MRS SONYA REDFERN
(Dawn French)

ROY REDFERN
(Jim Carter)

JEMIMA REDFERN
(Kate McEnery)

GARY
(Ricco Ross)

FRIEND
(Harriet Thorpe)

FRIEND
(Susie Fairfax)

FRIEND
(Matilda Thorpe)

A woman spots her double while out shopping, a pursuit in a taxi reveals a lifestyle far from her own, and a relationship breakdown presents the opportunity of a lifetime.

"No, thank you. I'm a person, not a chimbley."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES TWO

(1994)
6 episodes
Series Score: 48
Episode Average: 8.00
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

OVERKILL

Originally broadcast: 3 March 1994
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Steven Moffat

TINA MELLISH
(Dawn French)

CARMELA VEZZA
(Amanda Donohoe)

DOVERSON
(Peter Vaughan)

LAMBERT
(Colin Salmon)

MISS FLEMING
(Emma Amos)

SECURITY MAN
(Geoffrey McGivern)

MRS. MELLISH
(June Ellis)

A social worker records a suicide note as she prepares to hang herself, a contract killer enters to carry out her latest job, and a reluctant assassin does wonders for the body count.

"Sodding typical this is! Can't even hang meself without upsetting me mother!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E2

LADY LUCK

Originally broadcast: 10 March 1994
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

DENISE CUNNINGHAM
(Dawn French)

SEAN LACEY
(Sean Gallacher)

GARY
(Jonathan Dow)

SHEENA
(Ann Bryson)

A hairdresser finds a bank robber jumping into her car, a failed getaway gives opportunity to negotiate a share, and a diversion for a change of look proves costly.

"What is it about you lot? You've always got to have something that gives you away, have't you? 'Yes, Officer. He was medium height, average build but had a distinguishing pair of antlers'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E3

A SEVERE CASE OF DEATH

Originally broadcast: 17 March 1994
Directed by: Marcus Mortimer
Written by: Chris England

MAUDE JENKINS
(Dawn French)

SQUIRE THORPE
(John Fortune)

OLD DOCTOR ADAMS
(Timothy West)

YOUNG ADAMS
(James Saxon)

LADY JAMIESON
(Georgina Hale)

MR. WARBURTON
(Jonathan Cecil)

KATHERINE
(Lucy Benjamin)

A doctor dies when he reads news of the death of his son, the housekeeper dons a disguise to apply for a job as a physician, and a visitor running away from debts puts a spanner in the works.

"This is something I call a viral infection. Now write this down, it's very important. She'll need to take one of these, it's a vitamin, see. She'll need to have some of this lemon. She needs to sip this. And she'll need some of these pills I've got from Paris, she needs to eat 'em all."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E4

WE ALL HATE GRANNY

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1994
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie

LILY
(Dawn French)

JOCASTA
(Victoria Wicks)

TOM
(James Fleet)

CASSANDRA
(Lindsay Payne)

CLIO
(Jessica Payne)

JAMES DE JONGH
(Paul Mark Elliot)

A family reluctantly welcome granny into their home when her husband dies, paperwork proves that death could be quite lucrative, and efforts are made to hurry the process along.

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You know, there is such a things as spray in hair these days, love. That chap off the telly uses it, you know, little bald one, just like you, only much much nicer. What's his name? What's he called? What's he called? Paul Daniels, that's the one."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E5

MANGEZ MERVEILLAC

Originally broadcast: 31 March 1994
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman

VERITY HODGE
(Dawn French)

PATRON
(Philip Jackson)

MRS. TEMPLECOMBE
(Patricia Hayes)

AMERICAN
(Clarke Peters)

MAYOR
(Olivier Pierre)

MR. BOGLEBY
(Kevin McNally)

A writer's garnishes the facts when writing about a sleepy French village, changes have to made when visitors threaten to arrive, and accusations of plagiarism come with a warning.

"This place is disgustingly spotless. What's the matter with you people! What am I supposed to write about? Where's your sloppy gallic charm? Your laissez-faire loveability? God, your filthy rural pleasantyness? Poor misguided buggers!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E6

SMASHING BIRD

Originally broadcast: 7 April 1994
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jon Canter

VICKI
(Dawn French)

CLANCY
(Hywel Bennett)

TOMMY
(Mark McGann)

TERRY
(Ray Winstone)

Ray
(David Bamber)

PSYCHO
(Philip Martin Brown)

FOX WAITRESS
(Julie Peasgood)

A getaway driver is killed while on a bank job, the finger points to a rival gang operating in Spain, and one of the birds in a one stone plan realises the truth.

"But that's murder. They'll die if I kill 'em."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SERIES THREE

(1996)
6 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 7.0
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

GIRL FRIDAY

Originally broadcast: 10 May 1996
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Smith

SALLY FAIRFAX, P.A.
(Dawn French)

HARVEY STAFFORD
(Nigel Havers)

KAREN
(Geraldine McNulty)

DC JOBSON
(Paul Moriarty)

A devoted PA loses her job because of drink problems, a forgotten filofax sees her ex-boss needing her one last time, and everything changes after an overheard conversation.

"Well, look, I can't find it. Just book it, bitch."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E2

A LIFE OR DEATH OPERATION

Originally broadcast: 17 May 1996
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Mark Burton, John O'Farrell

KATE MARSHALL
(Dawn French)

DUNCAN JUPP
(John Bird)

MRS. OSMAN
(Brigit Forsyth)

DI MORGAN
(Bob Pugh)

DI HOOPER
(Steven Spiers)

GAVIN CAMPBELL
(Gavin Campbell)

HILARY
(Jo Unwin)

A TV doctor is confronted by a widow about a past mistake, a victim of a hit-and-run needs emergency surgery, and quick thinking is needed when the producers want to know more about the patient.

"Oh, Mr. Theobald, I am, I am so sorry, it's got a bit of a slippy clutch, you see. I mean women drivers, what are we? Just a bunch of fluffy airheads aren't we?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

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S3E3

DYING LIVE

Originally broadcast: 24 May 1996
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Steven Moffat

DAISY TALWINNING
(Dawn French)

GENERAL ALBERTO
(Jim Carter)

MR. MADDOX
(Stratford Johns)

YVONNE QUAIL
(Helen Lederer)

MR. FRANKLIN
(Bryan Pringle)

DRIVER
(Kevin Allen)

RAUL MANENDEZ
(Marcus D'Amico)

MARCOS
(Alistair McGowan)

DANIEL HOFFMEYER
(John Thomson)

BENJAMIN TRETHANSIS
(Jonathan Coy)

An abattoir worker is sacked because of her low kill rate, an executioner chokes to death en route to a job in South America, and a mix-up at the airport satisfies the needs of the Panadorian government.

"Excuse me, excuse me, he's choking.Do you know the Heimlich manoeuvre? I've only ever done it on a cow!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S3E4

THE BODY POLITIC

Originally broadcast: 31 May 1996
Directed by: Ferdinand Fairfax
Written by: Anthony Horowitz

LINDA BRYCE
(Dawn French)

JERRY BRYCE
(Hugh Laurie)

REVEREND CHARLES QUENTIN
(Richard Johnson)

GRAHAM BARLOW
(John Bennett)

BRIAN HALL
(Paul Mark Elliott)

MR. BELLING
(Ken Jones)

ERIC
(Henry Naylor)

MRS. JUDD*
(Georgine Anderson)

*credited as Mrs. Stewart, but called Mrs. Judd in a scene with the vicar.

DEBORAH CASE
(Susannah Elliott-Knight)

The wife of an MP is desperate to be the wife of the Prime Minister, a discovery under the floorboards has to be kept quiet, and a visit from Hello Magazine leads to a worrying phone call.

"Well, at least we're not getting a woman."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E5

CONFESS

Originally broadcast: 7 June 1986
Directed by: Coky Giedroyc
Written by: Jon Canter

SGT. HODGE
(Dawn French)

SGT. COLE
(Minnie Driver)

FRANK FOSTER
(Roger Lloyd Pack)

DCS BARRATT
(Clive Russell)

DAVE JONES
(George Costigan)

The DCS wants results when a cop's murdered, a former gangland boss is taken in for questioning, and different methods are used in an effort to extract a confession.

"I understand, Frank. You've got a damp feeling deep in crack of your bottom. We all get that. That's called the trickle of truth."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E6

DEAD ON TIME

Originally broadcast: 14 June 1996
Directed by: Ferdinand Fairfax
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman

THE GRIM REAPER
(Dawn French)

TONY SMEDLEY
(Danny Webb)

ALISON SMEDLEY
(Regina Freedman)

RACHEL
(Sophie Okonedo)

CHRIS BASTAPLE
(Brian Capron)

Death arrives at an address before she's supposed to, suggestions of suicide don't quite hit the mark, and a bit of creative thinking is needed to rescue the situation.

"The modernisers won't have it, you see. I'm not even licensed to carry a scythe. See this? This is as scary as it gets. The Grim Strimmer. Pretty terrifying, eh?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1999)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

FROZEN

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1999
Directed by: Coky Giedroyc
Written by: Nick Vivian

LILY WOOD-NEWTON
(Dawn French)

IRIS WOOD-NEWTON
(Joanna Scanlan)

MR. GAUNT
(David Battley)

GAUNT JUNIOR
(Robert Wilfort)

REVEREND STOOP
(Richard Braine)

FREEZER REPAIR MAN
(Paul Rider)

The local butcher wonders how two sisters maintain their figures on post-war rations, problems with a freezer brings the repairman calling, and lustful thoughts get a little out of hand.

"You'd love to put a nice, plump bird on our table, wouldn't you son?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

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S4E2

GOING SOLO

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1999
Directed by: Tony Dow
Written by: Paul Smith

TRACEY PHILLIPS
(Dawn French)

KAREN SULLIVAN
(Sarah Lancashire)

FRANK PHILLIPS
(Jim Carter)

Two women struggle to get along during a round-the-world yacht race, a damaged music tape does little to improve the mood, and a turn in the weather leads to dreams of home.

"How dare you presume to know how I feel! How dare you presume to understand me when that microscopic inpenetrable organism you've got for a brain is overtaxed as it is getting you to breathe and walk upright. I am not stressed!!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S4E3

WHOOPI STONE

Originally broadcast: 5 March 1999
Directed by: Coky Giedroyc
Written by: Jon Canter

WPC BARBARA GREAVES / WHOOPI STONE
(Dawn French)

LOUIE FINKEL
(Ron Berglas)

TONY LA PAGLIA
(Martin Marquez)

MIKEY PERUGIANO
(Christopher Adamson)

MARTIN GREAVES & JOHN GREAVES
(Neil Maskell & Len Collin)

PC GREY
(Will Barton)

DS BROWN
(Jamie Foreman)

DCI REED
(Norman Eshley)

Pulling over a Porsche ends in frustration for a bored traffic cop, experience in the theatre leads to an undercover mission, and quick thinking's needed when three drug dealers smell a rat.

"Frog you! You froggin' with me?! I can make you richer than Donald froggin' Trump! You in or out? You froggin' frogs!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S4E4

CONFESSIONS OF A MURDERER

Originally broadcast: 19 March 1999
Directed by: Edgar Wright
Written by: Ian Hislop, Nick Newman

HARRIET SNELLGROVE
(Dawn French)

POLICE SERGEANT
(Philip Jackson)

INSPECTOR DAWSON
(Hugh Bonneville)

ALEX DOCHERTY
(Graham Garden)

A woman obsessed with cop shows is released after confessing to a murder, a new inspector struggles to grasp the language of the job, and press involvement forces a proper investigation.

"There's a woman in there! She's unarmed and extremely harmless!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S4E5

ELVIS, JESUS AND ZACK

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1999
Directed by: Tony Dow
Written by: Steven Moffat

JILL TANNER
(Dawn French)

ELDERLY MAN
(Hugh Munro)

ANDREA
(Martha Cope)

HARRY
(Chris Langham)

DAVID FLINT
(Paul Reynolds)

ZACK MITCHELL
(Sean Hughes)

NEWSREADER
(Corrina Preece)

DEREK
(Jake Wood)

NICOLA
(Emma Woollard)

MEWS PRESENTER
(Pip Torrens)

INSPECTOR HIBBERT
(Nick Stringer)

A lack of celebrity deaths leaves obituaries vulnerable to cutbacks, the head of the department finds opportunity on the bonnet of her car, and reports come in of the demise of a faded rock star.

"Now, can we please hurry up, I want to get this on the 1 o'clock news and Kate Adie needs her set back."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S4E6

DINNER AT TIFFANY'S

Originally broadcast: 2 April 1999
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jonathan Harvey

TIFFANY DRAPES
(Dawn French)

TONY
(Peter Serafinowicz)

SHEILA
(Geraldine McNulty)

EVANGELINE BRAZIER
(Isobel Middleton)

CRYING GIRL
(Gemma Coughlan)

GLORIA TWIGGE
(Frances Barber)

TIFFANY'S MOTHER
(Thelma Barlow)

The headmistress's relationship with the female PE teacher causes jealousy, a protest over lunchtime pay leads to a canteen boycott, and the science lab holds the key to eliminating the main problem.

"Very, very yellow Miss Twigge. As yellow as a sou'wester on a bed of daffo-di-dillys, if you please."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8