British Comedy: Drop the Dead Donkey

Years: 1990-1998
Broadcaster: Channel 4
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Malcolm Williamson, Nick Revell, Ian Brown,
Elly Brewer, Rory McGrath
Stars: Jeff Rawle, Neil Pearson
Episodes: 66
Episode Average: 7.258

BEST EPISODES:
The Path of True Love (1996), The Graveyard Shift (1996)

PILOT

(1990)

S1E1

PILOT

Originally broadcast: Never
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Any Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Gus manages to introduces a virus onto the GlobeLink computer system, Henry and Sally demand answers after staff salaries are printed out, and Alex makes a confession when confidential records start flashing up.

"It's still rampant. It's started mangling up the scripts in the obituaries section. You see, it's got Thatcher's obit mixed up with the one for Alice Cooper. 'As Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher soon began to develop a distinctive style which included biting the heads off live chickens."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES ONE

(1990)
10 episodes
Series Score: 69
Episode Average: 6.90
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

A NEW DAWN

Originally broadcast: 9 August 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George struggles to find somebody to do a feature on the single market, a report comes in that Globelink News might be about to be bought out, and Damien finds himself in trouble for spicing up his pieces with props.

"President Gorbachev says that Elvis is alive and well and bonking Princess Anne."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

SALLY'S ARRIVAL

Originally broadcast: 16 August 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George objects to not being consulted about a replacement newsreader, Damien's accused of feeding alcohol to a group of football hooligans, and Henry finds himself in the news after a falling out with his new colleague.

"I know, let's get Mel Gibson to read the news in a black leather jockstrap, while Patsy Kensit simulates sex with our new weatherman, Arnold Schwarzenegger."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

A CLASH OF INTERESTS

Originally broadcast: 23 August 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Sally worries that reading depressing stories will damage her reputation, George has to decide whether to run a story about a chemical spillage, and Henry reacts badly after seeing the tape of his prerecorded obituary.

"Wouldn't the Iraqi's get suspicious when their radar spots seven seagulls flying in formation towards Baghdad at 900 miles an hour?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Originally broadcast: 30 August 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Gus tries to consider the views of Prince Philip ahead of a charity dinner, Damien shows off his lack of judgement in a piece about slum landlords, and Alex's ex-husband turns up with concerns about misrepresentation.

"I refuse. It's the Oval. It belongs to cricket. Not to a bunch of colonial wide boys who produce some fizzy brew made from the excretions of incontinent wallabies! What next, for God's sake? Hmm? The FA Cup Final played at Rumbelows Stadium, between Tottenham Hotpoint and Queens Park Range Rovers? It's the Oval, and that's that."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

OLD FATHER TIME

Originally broadcast: 6 September 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Henry's nephew's lad visits the newsroom as part of a journalism course,
Damien's not too pleased when he's called sensationalist and dated, and news that Alex may be leaving brings questions about her parking space.

"I'll remind you that I've interviewed every prime minister of the last thirty years. Yes... Alec Douglas-Hume... patronising bastard. Wilson... shifty bastard. Heath... stubborn bastard. Callaghan... cunning bastard. Thatcher... cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

SEX, LIES AND AUDIOTAPE

Originally broadcast: 13 September 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George has to make a decision about an exclusive MI6 arms deal story, Alex is horrified with her mum decides to fill her bath with petrol, and Dave knocks off a few tapes of Sally having sex in her dressing room.

"Yes, that's right. Um... Apparently, a Viking ferry rammed a Sally Line ferry."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

THE NEW APPROACH

Originally broadcast: 20 September 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

The staff are unimpressed when Gus brings in a workplace stress expert, Damien gets pictures of British farmers attacking French cheese lorries, and Henry finds the bills mounting up after buying shares in a racehorse.

"I got drunk in Milton Keynes once. I ended up in bed with a female ventriloquist. It's very strange when the wardrobe asks 'How was it for you?'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E8

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Gus tries to save money by introducing a series of cost cutting measures, Sally gets a shock when a fan turns out to be her guardian and protector, and Dave finds himself accused of stealing to pay off his gambling debts.

"Fine, so when the war breaks out in the Gulf, we ask them only to shell each other between the hours of nine to five, do us a drawing of the damage and send it back by carrier pigeon."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E9

DEATH, DISASTER 'N DAMIEN

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1990
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George is shocked by the need to execute a man three times for a report, Damien tries to explain how he came to be in hospital with a leg injury, and Sally complains about the glamorisation of animal rights terrorists.

"Well, apparently, she's going to ensure that all children affected by famine are given grants to start up small businesses."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E10

THE BIG DAY

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1990
Directed by: Loddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George finds out from the electrician that the Prime Minister is to visit, Henry's furious when he learns that he won't be doing the interview, and Alex gets a shock when Gus starts blurting out exactly when he means.

"Fancy asking for old sawdust-brain! She'd have her tongue so far up the prime ministerial back passage, you'd only see the soles of her shoes!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1991)
13 episodes
Series Score: 94
Episode Average: 7.23
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

THE GULF REPORT

Originally broadcast: 26 September 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George agrees to conduct an inquiry into GlobeLink's Gulf War coverage, Sally gets eaten alive while promoting her new book on television, and Gus worries that Dave is getting far too close to Sir Roysten's daughter.

"He obviously just misheard. He supports the right to be grey."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THE TREVORMAN COMETH

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Damien finds a report about staff redundancies left on the photocopier, George is summoned to his daughter's school after a series of incidents, and the thought of early retirement sees Henry lose the use of his legs.

"Oh, yes, I like that. The Tiffs. The Tiffs in Northern Ireland intensified today when four people were shot dead in a further outbreak of sectarian grumpiness. Troubles? Troubles? What do they think 2,000 people died from - stress?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

HENRY & DIDO

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Sally insists on bringing her dog to work until she finds a suitable carer, George prepares to take his daughter to see the psychiatrist, and Henry experiences the ups-and-downs of a relationship with a teen pop star.

"Getting old is so unfair! I tell you, when I was your age... I was a cavalier among pork swordsmen."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

BASEBALL

Originally broadcast: 17 October 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Gus chooses volunteers for a baseball game against his brother's team, Henry tells the staff about rumours of a merger with the Japanese, and an average bloke is asked for his opinions about important news stories.

"Well, it's perfectly straightforward. If it's got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog it owns will be a pit bull."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

DRUNK MINISTER

Originally broadcast: 24 October 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Rory McGrath

A gay action group threatens to publish a list of hypocritical celebrities, a government minister arrives in no state to take part in an interview, and Damien has a number of issues whilst doing a piece about the recession.

"Well, I think a lot of them don't want to be helped. My maid has walked out on me just because I asked her to do a little job outside the house. In the end, I had to get a professional company to drain the cesspit."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

ALEX AND THE INTERPRETER

Originally broadcast: 31 October 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Nick Revell

George insists on checking up on how things are going whilst on holiday, Damien struggles to keep up with his rival when it comes to corpses, and a response to an unexpected marriage proposal gets lost in translation.

"He says after last night, he knows you as a soulmate in eternity. He says together you climb to the pinnacles of unsurpassable ecstasy. Believe me, this is just as embarrassing for me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

HOAX

Originally broadcast: 7 November 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Henry drives himself crazy trying to solve the last Times crossword clue,
Damien's furious to learns that he's been taken in by a serial hoaxer, and Sally shocks her colleagues by turning up to work with her dead granny.

"Go away! I'm warning you! If anyone tells me this clue there will be an eruption that will make Krakatoa sound like an earwig's fart!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8

DON'T MENTION THE ARABS

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,Malcolm Williamson

Henry prepares an obituary for a gravely ill friend and former colleague, Sally shocks the office with her new found Christian outlook on life, and George is criticised in the press for a documentary about Saudi Arabia.

"Yes, if after you're sent home you get executed, the you would have been a 'legitimate refugee'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E9

DAMIEN DOWN AND OUT

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Damien announces that he's spending a week on the streets for a story, George struggles to cope with news that his wife plans to leave him, and Sally demands that a piece be done on Satanism in the Territorial Army.

"I think it's wonderful. Not only is Terry free but he's managed to diet."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E10

THE EVANGELIST

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

An American evangelist insists that GlobeLink cover his upcoming rally, George discovers that he's managed to put his wife off men for life, and Dave gets worried when Damien's tarot cards predict death by drowning.

"He's more full of bollocks than Tom Jones's Y-fronts."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E11

GEORGE'S DAUGHTER

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

George has little choice but to bring his suspended daughter into work, Gus announces that a documentary team will be visiting the newsroom, and Damien worries that raid footage will ruin a very useful relationship.

"Right, should we give, what... three minutes to Maxwell's missing millions? We don't want to go overboard."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E12

DAVE'S DAY

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Dave explains to his therapist why he's suddenly started smoking again, George is pleased when his wife agrees to move back in for a trial period, and Gus is persuaded to let the most unreliable man deliver a vital tape.

"So why is have we got John Major as Prime Minister? He doesn't speak English. He speaks Croydonian. An incomprehensible suburban dialect spoken only by nerds who tuck their shirts inside their underpants."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E13

XMAS PARTY

Originally broadcast: 19 December 1991
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Elly Brewer

George is confused when he wakes up at Oxford station with a hangover, Damien manages to get the truth out of Dave about who shared his bed, and Gus finds himself dealing with complaints about drunken behaviour.

"Oh, right. Well, I've got s a few spare bags of sugar. I could trade them for a warhead and keep it my front room in case those bloody carol singers come round again."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES THREE

(1993)
11 episodes
Series Score: 90
Episode Average: 8.18
Perfect 10's: 2

S3E1

IN PLACE OF ALEX

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin

Dave steps in as acting assistant editor when Alex gets a job elsewhere, Gus and George interview a number of applicants for the position, and Damien asks whether his film about ram-raiding will actually be used.

"Why does an Essex girl have C&A in her knickers? So she doesn't put them on back to front. No, I still don't get that one."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

SALLY'S ACCOUNTANT

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus announces that he's had complaints about interview techniques, the staff react badly when Helen completes a report on working procedures, and Henry turns to Sally for help when his finances reach rock bottom.

"Now, there's an idea. Somebody should go into one of their shops, throw up over the jumpers and say, 'How's that for the United Colors of Benetton?'"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

HENRY'S LOST LOVE

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus talks to Sally ahead of her little interview with the Inland Revenue, George panics when Henry doesn't show up for the lunchtime bulletin, and Dave announces that he's won £36,000 on a six dog accumulator.

"Right! Which one of you drew arrows on my jacket?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

HELEN'LL FIX IT

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus suddenly finds reason to put a stop to Damien's film on prostitution, George and Helen face prosecution for refusing to name an informant, and Sally's not happy about sharing the desk with a young newsreader.

"No. I really wanted Sue Carpenter. Only she was too professional to do a publicity stunt like this. Same as Zena Badawi. Then one of the researchers said you'd do it, because you've just been hammered by the Inland Revenue. So he reckoned that 10p you'd probably bonk a kangaroo."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

SALLY'S LIBEL

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

A former goalkeeper joins the team to present the new sports coverage, Sally turns down a £50,000 libel settlement in the hope of winning more, and George denies having any particular interest in Helen's underwear.

"When I left George, he was falling apart faster than Michael Jackson's face."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

LADY MERCHANT

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Nick Revell

Sir Roysten's wife sets her sights on Gus when she visits the newsroom, Damien goes in pursuit of an Estonian SS officer living in Leicester, and George asks Dave for advice about how best to ask Helen out on a date

"Heed my words - in five years' time they'll have replaced hospitals with branches of Operations R Us, and you'll get there on Liberian-registered buses that pay tolls to the local police franchise called Plodulike. Staffed by 12-year-old school-leavers whose parents got behind with the mortgage on their kid's pencil and who are now doing time in Strangeways World of Adventure plc. And all these bloody companies will be part of one giant consortium whose board of directors will be headed by Michael poxy Portillo."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

THE NEW NEWSREADER

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Nick Revell

Sally's not happy when the staff heap praise on a younger newsreader, Dave soon regrets being goaded into going potholing with Damien, and George manages to find enough courage to make his big move on Helen.

"I think he's in an anal interface with a toilet seat situation."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

JOY

Originally broadcast: 25 February 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Joy opens up when Helen and George confront her about her foul mood, Damien reveals how he managed to get hold of a gun in Yugoslavia, and Sally creates a new boundary to prevent Henry from invading her space.

"Yes, you have! You're as bad as the bloody Israelis!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E9

PAINTBALL

Originally broadcast: 4 March 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Nick Revell

Gus announces that a team-building weekend is a compulsory exercise, Sally and Helen almost come to blows about a soup advert appearance, and Dave finds a quiet moment to persuade a lesbian to sleep with him.

"Ah-ah. You're barred from the Hobnob kitty ever since you ate the whole packet and tried to blame it on the Garibaldi mob."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E10

GEORGE AND HIS DAUGHTER

Originally broadcast: 11 March 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Gus announces that he's invited the NVLA to pay a visit to the newsroom, George searches for his daughter when she stays out for two nights, and a dictator puts pressure on Damien to reveal the names of his accusers.

"Yeah, I can see it now. 'Andi Peters exhausted by five-times-a-night Edd the Duck.' 'Clangers deny hotel orgy with Soup Dragon.'"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E11

AWARDS

Originally broadcast: 18 March 1993
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Rumours about Sir Roysten selling GlobeLink leave Gus a worried man, Henry states his intention to reject a lifetime contribution award, and Dave refuses to accept the answer to his unexpected marriage proposal.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! Don't you two know? It's very bad manners to talk about starving people at the dinner table!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES FOUR

(1994)
12 episodes
Series Score: 85
Episode Average: 7.08
Perfect 10's: 1

S4E1

THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

Originally broadcast: 29 September 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Ian Brown

Gus worries about his mortality after attending a newsreader's funeral, Dave protests when Henry tries his best to get the widow into bed, and Damien has trouble with his Porsche after losing his licence for speeding.

"I wonder what the poor lions make of it all. I mean, every day, they're given these old haunches of beef to eat. And then once a year, as a treat, they get something big wrapped in an anorak. And then just as they're about to enjoy it, it gets dragged away."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

QUALITY TIME

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

Dave accepts a challenge to pull Joy ahead of a Gladiators appearance, Gus has to make do with NHS care after an oversight on his insurance, and Helen hands in her notice to spend more time with her daughter.

"Well, er... When Deborah was seven, she wrote a poem. I can still remember it...

MY DADDY
My daddy is a jelly,
My mummy told me so,
He's short and dim and smelly,
And we both wish he would go.

Great imagination, kids, haven't they?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

THE DAY OF THE MUM

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Gus returns to work a new man after his cardiac arrhythmia situation, George looks for a female to accompany him to his ex-wife's wedding, and Damien tries to hide his tears when his mother visits him at work.

"Oh, right. That's very interesting. All those neutrons and electrons and croutons."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

BIRTHS AND DEATHS

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Nick Revell, Ian Brown

Henry announces that someone claiming to be his son is due to arrive, Damien fears for his life ahead of testifying against a drug baron, and Helen starts to wonder about the cause of Sally's sudden nauseousness.

"Behind me, painstaking barons burning the drug soldiers in huge piles of whale nets."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

HELEN'S PARENTS

Originally broadcast: 27 October 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

Gus worries that Sally's pregnancy will leave him short of a newsreader, Helen asks Dave to pretend to be her boyfriend when her parents visit, and George introduces his new Polish girlfriend to the rest of the team.

"Well, we've all got a news broadcast to get out. Now, you all know what you've got to do, so let's kick rubber and burn some arses!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

SALLY IN T.V. TIMES

Originally broadcast: 3 November 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

Gus arranges for the new GlobeLink insignia to be installed on the roof, Damien discovers something worrying about George's new fiancée, and Sally goes ahead with a TV Times interview despite receiving bad news.

"I think we'd better call this session to an end, don't you? Before I use your telephoto lens to take an extreme close-up of your breakfast."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

CRIME TIME

Originally broadcast: 10 November 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Nick Revell

Gus decides to make a new crime programme to bring in new viewers, Sally tries the cruel-to-be-kind approach to stop George marrying Anna, and Dave worries about getting old as he approaches his 35th birthday.

"Margaret Thatcher bankrupted by Mark and finally found absolutely bonkers, swigging meths from a doorway in Soho, offering blow jobs to German tourists and demanding the right to buy her cardboard box."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

Originally broadcast: 17 November 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Henry's furious when Sally's chosen to attend a conference in Acapulco, a new ruthless George starts making plans for when he gets Gus's office, and Damien tries to find ways to give his piece on pollution more impact.

"Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

HENRY'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Originally broadcast: 24 November 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Malcolm Williamson, Nick Revell

A new reporter gets the opportunity to read Henry's new autobiography, Sally complains about the exhausting demands of a fitness video, and Damien gets a bit of a surprise after breaking into Sandringham House.

"Oh, terrific. The new regulation Euro oak, blonde leaves and every branch that goes out at this angle."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

THE STRIKE

Originally broadcast: 1 December 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Ian Brown, Nick Revell

The staff vote to go out on strike in support of the technical department, Joy bumps into the man who helped to get her expelled from school, and Dave totally ignores Henry's advice by playing poker with a police officer.

"I'm sorry, but just because the majority vot for something, it doesn't make it democratic."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E11

THE WEDDING

Originally broadcast: 8 December 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Malcolm Williamson, Ian Brown

Damien insults Joy when she's put in charge of the stationary cupboard, Gus offers Henry a place to stay when a plumber floods his house, and stags and hens party together when both groups head to the same pub.

"Oh, no. The answerphone's broken. The red light's flashing."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E12

DAMIEN AND THE WEATHER GIRL

Originally broadcast: 15 December 1994
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Henry's furious when his impotence problem spreads through the office, Dave tells Damien that the new weather girl likes to have dangerous sex, and George has difficulties as he organises the new Living Legends show.

"That was not office humour, Gus. That was abuse, intended to highlight what a total twat you are!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FIVE

(1996)
12 episodes
Series Score: 90
Episode Average: 7.50
Perfect 10's: 3

S5E1

INSIDE THE ASYLUM

Originally broadcast: 1 October 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Nick Revell

Helen has to go to the police station when her car is stolen at gunpoint, Sally returns to work six weeks after suffering a nervous breakdown, and Henry decides to come clean after being offered the job of his dreams.

"Oh, don't you worry, George, she'll be OK. Helen's as tough as old boots, but that's the upside of being a lesbian."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

THE GODLESS SOCIETY

Originally broadcast: 8 October 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Gus turns on the charm to attract investment from Japanese financiers, a bishop about to appear on a live discussion admits a crisis of faith, and George finds that everything's against him as he tries to get to the office.

"The Japanese are attracted to women like Sally, it's a genetic thing. Crap eyesight."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

THE BIRD OF DOOM

Originally broadcast: 15 October 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

Gus is criticised for buying a new desk despite a range of new cutbacks, Helen and Dave try to help Joy prepare for a job interview at the BBC, and Sally's given advice about how best to overcome her fear of birds.

"Well, at least Gus had the good sense not to touch newsreaders' wage, eh, Henry? After all, you do have a certain lifestyle to support. Shoes by Church's, jackets by Simpsons, hair by Axminster..."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

Originally broadcast: 22 October 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Damien has to take over a John Major interview when Henry pulls out, Sally gets the wrong idea when Gus chooses her for a practise date, and Joy soon discovers the danger of recommending a friend for a temp job.

"The National Grid have written this letter to all broadcasters asking for advance warning of any interviews with David Mellor. Apparently, millions of people simultaneously get up and put the kettle on. The surge in demand could trigger power failure, so..."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

THE PATH OF TRUE LOVE

Originally broadcast: 29 October 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Nick Revell, Ian Brown

Gus pays Dave to write up cue cards for a date with his online girlfriend, Helen's new 'friend' insists on being allowed to meet her colleagues, and Sally ignores a warning about earning money from outside promotions.

"Yes, must be hard work, spending all day on a great big motordyke."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

GEORGE'S CAR

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Malcolm Williamson, Ian Brown

George agrees to buy Henry's old Jaguar after Joy gives it the once over, Helen warns Sally about the downsides of having cosmetic surgery, and Gus struggles to find anybody willing to interview the Duchess of York.

"Oh, and I saw a dreadful example of the road rage whilst I was out. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always though you were supposed to wait until the lights turned green before engaging first gear, releasing the handbrake, checking your mirror, indicating and then moving off at a speed suitable for the prevailing conditions. So I don't know what all that language was about. What is an f-ing arse wipe, anyway?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

CHARNLEY IN LOVE

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Malcolm Williamson, Nick Revell

Gus is livid when his old number two arrives to check up on GlobeLink, Dave starts to panic after being reminded about his fear of commitment, and Damien's held hostage by the brother of the man he sent to prison.

"God, look at hum. He's as happy as a transvestite in Dorothy Perkins."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

HENRY'S DIARY

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Ian Brown, Nick Revell

Henry asks his ghostwriter to tone down his daily newspaper column, Gus tries to find guests for his gala tribute in honour of Sir Roysten, and George searches the office for jokes suitable for an after-dinner speech.

"I don't suppose Rodolfo is that keen to see his latest creation pressed against the windscreen of a lorry driver's cab."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E9

DAVE AND DIANA

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

Sir Roysten sends an industrial psychologist to do a report on the staff, rumours spread quickly that Dave has slept with the Princess of Wales, and George asks for opinions on his latest batch of homemade wines.

"And with all these snatched sexual encounters, I sippose deep down, perhaps I'm looking for Mr. Right. I once met a very nice plumber from Stoke. Then there was the welder from Wolverhampton. And a pair of brothers who ran their own haulage company. It was quite an afternoon."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E10

LUCK

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Nick Revell, Malcolm Williamson

Damien's luck runs out when he ends up in hospital instead of his crew, Sally decides to skip panto rehearsals because there's nothing to it, and Henry grabs an opportunity to show that he can still cut it as a reporter.

"Oh, Henry's always been lucky. I remember during the Tet offensive when the Vietcong blew up his hotel and he was miraculously saved by this Vietnamese prostitute who just happened to be sitting on his head."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E11

THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT

Originally broadcast: 10 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Nick Revell

Helen gets unexpected company when she volunteers for the night shift, George tries everything to get rid of a stubborn bout of the hiccups, and Joy makes a couple of confessions after giving a homeless man her coat.

"You know, I've a feeling she's found herself a young man. I think his name must be Richard because I overheard her telling her friends that all she really wants is Dick... Yes, can't seem to get enough Dick, apparently. Isn't that romantic?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E12

SEX 'N DEATH

Originally broadcast: 17 November 1996
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin,
Ian Brown, Malcolm Williamson

George is ecstatic when the doctor tells him that he has a stomach ulcer, Gus is told that he needs to have sex to put a stop to dreams about Joy, and Henry tells Helen that he's dying from an inoperable heart condition.

"Well, I mustn't hold you up, you go and get yourself a nice arse of champagne... Glass of champagne! Must dash, see you in a stiffy. Oh!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES SIX

(1998)
7 episodes
Series Score: 45
Episode Average: 6.43
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

THE NEWSMAKERS

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1998
Directed by: Andy Hamilton
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

The team become the reluctant stars of a fly-on-the-wall documentary, Sir Roysten sends his son to announce a radical new business plan, and Damien is summoned to appear in front of the broadcasting watchdog.

"I'm going for a crap in a moment. You're welcome to film it, but I'm not doing any retakes."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

BEASTS, BADGERS AND BOMBSHELLS

Originally broadcast: 4 November 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus decides to dumb things down in a desperate bid to improve ratings, Damien makes sure that he'll catch the Beast of Bodmin on camera, and Dave insists on betting his windfall on the new weather girl's warm front.

"Oh, that's right! Just swan in here and flaunt your bloody badger in our faces, you bastard!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

THE DIARIES

Originally broadcast: 11 November 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus waits for a call from Sir Roysten to end talk of GlobeLink's closure, Helen decides to come out to her parents for the sake of her daughter, and questions are asked when Damien turns up with Tony Blair's diaries.

"My God, who is this? Is it a TV 'yoof' presenter? Is it a pop star? No, I know! It's the new Spice Girl. Yes, it's Saggy Spice."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

BUT IS IT ART?

Originally broadcast: 18 November 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Sally pays Dave to research short men ahead of a date with a millionaire, a gallery owner insists that Joy's violent doodles have artistic merit, and George ignores his fear of flying to help Henry's niece overcome hers.

"Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

GEORGE FINDS LOVE

Originally broadcast: 25 November 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Gus resorts to blackmail in an attempt to secure the future of GlobeLink, George worries that his hopes of love will end with disappointment, and Damien refuses to rest when increased stress brings on sudden fainting.

"The award you were made to hand back... When they found you'd superglued a dead man's ear onto the arse of a hamster."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

A BIT OF AN ATMOSPHERE

Originally broadcast: 2 December 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

Sally insists that something be done to stop gay men dressing up as her, Dave starts to ask questions about his role as a bookies errand boy, and Damien becomes increasingly worried about his future as a journalist.

"Look at that gorgeous Amazon there. Her name's Melanie. She's got legs that are longer than the A1 and I'm planning to pull into her Scotch Corner."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

THE FINAL CHAPTER

Originally broadcast: 9 December 1998
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Andy Hamilton, Guy Jenkin, Malcolm Williamson

George has a big decision to make when his ex-wife has a heart attack, Henry tires of playing the stooge on a television show for imbeciles, and Damien finds a new role in life during a trip to the Amazon rainforest.

"It's perfectly simple, George. Over here, you have Susan, my niece, a wonderful woman, who thinks all your orifices are solar-powered. Now, over here we have your former ball and chain, Margaret. A crab apple on legs. A woman who has always treated you like a cross between a door mat and a toilet roll. Now, if that's a dilemma, I'm the Pope's left bollock."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

GEORGE DENT

(Editor)

Played by Jeff Rawle
66 episodes (1990-1998)
in... No More Mr. Nice Guy (S4E8)

DAVE CHARNLEY

(Deputy Sub-Editor)

Played by Neil Pearson
66 episodes (1990-1998)
in... Luck (S5E10)

HENRY DAVENPORT

(News Anchor)

Played by David Swift
66 episodes (1990-1998)
in... Inside the Asylum (S5E1)

SALLY SMEDLEY

(News Anchor)

Played by Victoria Wicks
65 episodes (1990-1998)
in... Sally in T.V. Times (S4E6)

DAMIEN DAY

(Field Reporter)

Played by Stephen Tompkinson
66 episodes (1990-1998)
in... Paintball (S3E9)

GUS HEDGES

(Chief Executive)

Played by Robert Duncan
64 episodes (1990-1998)
in... Sex 'n Death (S5E12)

JOY MERRYWEATHER

(Personal Assistant/Production Assistant)

Played by Susannah Doyle
55 episodes (1991-1998)
in... Awards (S3E11)

HELEN COOPER

(Assistant Editor)

Played by Ingrid Lacey
42 episodes (1993-1998)
in... Charnley In Love (S5E7)

ALEX PATES

(Assistant Editor)

Played by Haydn Gwynne
24 episodes (1990-1991)
in... The Big Day (S1E10)