British Comedy: The Fast Show

Years: 1994-2000
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sketch
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson,
Mark Williams, Simon Day, Arabella Weir,
Caroline Aherne, Dave Cummings, Graham Linehan,
Arthur Mathews, John Thomson, Brendan O'Casey,
Craig Cash, Henry Normal, Dave Gorman,
Gary Howe, Richard Preddy, Jane Bussmann,
Bob Mortimer, David Quantick, Eryl Maynard,
Lise Mayer, Nathan Cockeril, Paul Shearer,
Felix Dexter, Glen Power, Fiona Loonie,
Jonathan Powell, Rhys Thomas, Gerry Gregory
Stars: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson
Episodes: 25*
Episode Average: 7.080**

BEST EPISODES:
Christmas Special (1996), The Last Fast Show Ever: Part 1 (2000)

*not including the live shows, 'You Ain't Seen All These, Right?' or the 2014 specials
**including Christmas special

SERIES ONE

(1994)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Mark Williams, Dave Cummings,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

SKETCHES:
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Houses of Parliament
Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: On a Hill
The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Elevenses --- In a Field
Feelings of Abandonment --- Ron Manager: Giggsy-Wiggsy
Patagonian Buskers --- Unlucky Alf: New Greenhouse
The Unpronounceables
Brilliant Kid: Ronnie Corbett, Special Effects, Films, Future, Computers,
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Battleship
Lunch on the Transporter Bridge: Cold Beer in Australia
Chanel 9 Neus: Sponsored by Kitchen Gizmo & Garden Gizmo
In an Arcade --- Ted & Ralph: French Cinema
Professor Denzil Dexter: Toilet Roll Tubes
Suit You, Sir: New Job --- Patagonian Buskers
Our Janine: Lisa Stansfield --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Farm
Indecent Exposure (18) --- Tommy Cockles: Arthur Atkinson
Ted & Ralph: It's My Name --- The Offroaders: Day One
Intelligence Discussion --- The Offroaders: Day One Update
Patagonian Buskers --- Unlucky Alf: Ruddy Great Hole
Next Week: The Nice Skinhead & The Comedy Vicar
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Piccadilly Circus

"Your secretary, Sir. Will you be giving it to her?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Mark Williams, Dave Cummings,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

SKETCHES:
Isle of Man: Deviants --- Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me
Instructions from the Bench --- Unlucky Alf: Pet Parrot
Celebrations from the Bench --- Doctor: Gotcha --- Patagonian Buskers
Tommy Cockles: Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall
Isle of Man: Liver & Bacon
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Fishing Tackle
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Parliament Square
Ron Manager: Hooliganism --- Danger Unexploded Bomb
Ralph & Ted: Tina Turner --- Musical Discussion
Brilliant Kid: Holidays, Planes, Echoes, Volcanoes, Natural Disasters
Chanel 9 Neus: Sponsored by Ceiling Gizmo --- In a Tree
Roy and Renée: Turkey --- Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Fishing Rods
Isle of Man: Afro Man --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Pursuit Vehicle
Suit You, Sir: Did She Want It? Did She, Sir?
Indecisive Dave: Politics --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Stadium
The Offroaders: Day Four --- Professor Denzil Dexter: Bear Urine
In a Patagonian Busking Band --- Come to the Isle of Man
Next Week: The Cheery Milkman, The Annoying Irishman & Peter Shreeves

"She said she could've shit through the eye of a needle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, Dave Cummings,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Lise Mayer

SKETCHES:
Worldview: Italian Porter --- Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me
Suit You, Sir: Getting Married --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: St. Paul's
Billy Bleach: Fruit Machine --- Patagonian Buskers
Ron Manager: England --- The Offroaders: Stuck
The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Out of Order --- The Offroaders: Still Stuck
Worldview: Danish Girl --- Billy Bleach: Fruit Machine 2
Ted & Ralph: Fishing --- Patagonian Buskers --- Our Janine: East 17
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Trafalgar Square
Lunch on the Transporter Bridge: Oranges in a Pub --- Chorus Girl
Isle of Man: Holidays --- Chanel 9 Neus: Sponsored by Baby Gizmo & Toppo
Macbeth --- Billy Bleach: Fag Machine --- Worldview: American Lady
Unlucky Alf: Bus Stop --- The Arthur Atkinson Story: A Lovely Parapet
In a Cowshed --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Open Up!
Worldview: Irish Granny --- Billy Bleach: Quiz Machine
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Period Drama
Professor Denzil Dexter: Rare Dinosaurs
Brilliant Kid: Pubs, Photos, Answerphones, Paint, Underground, Animals
Italian Cuisine Discussion --- Ron Manager: Pets
Next Week: She's Different with Boys & Jack Pott and Tom Bowler

"Yes, really, Ken. It's quite inappropriate. None of our business if he's up all night rogering the tart all night, is it, Sir?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams,
Dave Cummings, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

SKETCHES:
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Buckingham Palace
Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me --- Narrator: Science Programme
Cheesy Peas --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Helping with a Case
In a Graveyard --- Brilliant Kid: Shops, Cheesy Peas, Pavements, Sky, Fly
That's Amazing!: Honey Fly --- Rubbish Dad: Phones, Holidays, Pop Music
Ted & Ralph: Green Overalls --- In an Identity Parade
Indecisive Dave: Cars --- The Timeless Beauty of the Pennines
Tommy Cockles: Arnhem Days
Chanel 9 Neus: Sponsored by Auto Gizmo & Chisi Pis
Isle of Man: Vegetables --- Unlucky Alf: FA Cup Final --- Dinner Party
Professor Denzil Dexter: Mozart's Clarinet Quintet
Roy and Renée: Paris --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Fishing Boat
Ron Manager: Saturday Afternoon --- In a Lifeboat
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Shotguns --- The Offroaders: Day Six
Rubbish Dad: Dolphins, Whales, Ozone Layer, TV
Bob Fleming at the Theatre --- Isle of Man: Silver Foil
Doctor: Physiotherapy --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Radio Message
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Sea --- Ted & Ralph: Apology
Rubbish Dad: Films --- Next Week: An Insecure Woman & Del Amitri

"I'm glad he does. I don't know what I'm talking about. A complete load of bollocks."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams,
Dave Cummings, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews,
Lise Mayer, Paul Shearer

SKETCHES:
Unlucky Alf: Funeral --- Kenny & Jenny Valentine: Please Release Me
Unlucky Alf: Wrong Bloke --- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Cliff
News Discussion --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Copper's Wife
Ron Manager: Nostalgia --- Andy: Office Romances
Chanel 9 Neus: Technical Problems --- In a Hay Barn --- Andy: Not Gay
Professor Denzil Dexter: Hallucinogenic Drugs
Suit You, Sir: The Manager --- Ted & Ralph: A Dramatic Sky
Patagonian Buskers --- Lunch on the Transporter Bridge: Too Short
Chanel 9 Neus: Sponsored by Hits Von Trudi & Kizmo Gizmo
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: No, I'm Not --- Roy and Renée: London
Shore Leave (1952) --- Our Janine: Chris Evans --- Patagonian Buskers
Chanel 9 Neus: Not Antonios Gubba --- Brilliant Kid: All Brilliant!
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Horse Brasses with Jed Thomas
The Arthur Atkinson Story: I Was On the Central Line
Unlucky Alf: Puddle --- Patagonian Buskers --- Andy: Don't Box Me In
Next Week: Pussy Patrol --- Chanel 9 Neus: Boutros Boutros Ghali
Next Week: Stupid Bloke

"I'm going to the nearest bar, drink till I puke, then pick a fight with a complete stranger, then wreck the place, and then I'm gonna blow all my money on a big fat whore, and take her to a sleazy motel... and then... and then I'm gonna bang the tits off of her!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 1 November 1994
Directed by: Arch Dyson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Mark Williams,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

SKETCHES:
The Offroaders: Day 16 --- Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me
The Offroaders: Seasick --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Road Duty
Ron Manager: Football? What's It For?
Brilliant Kid: Mams, Microwaves, Falling Over
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Carpentry Tools with Clive Tucker
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Deep Sea --- Our Janine: The Queen Mother
Ted & Ralph: The Tractor --- Indecisive Dave: England Team
In a Police Station --- Unlucky Alf: The Football Pools
The Valiant Breed (1958)
Chanel 9 Neus: sponsored by Orgazmo Gizmo
- (Roy and Renée: Nimbo Cumulos)
Julia Fordham: Don't Push the River --- That's Amazing!: Dunny Beetle
Ted & Ralph: Ted's Friends --- The Arthur Atkinson Story: Chester Drawers
Sports Watch: Missing Ron Manager --- The Offroaders: The Hat
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: And I'm... --- A Very Serious Discussion
Brilliant Kid: Brilliaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!
Unlucky Alf: Geese --- Suit You, Sir: Gentlemen's Club

"Thank you, Clive. Thank you. I had a bit of a tickle in my... "
"ARSE!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1996)
7 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 6.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 16 February 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Caroline Aherne, Gary Howe, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews,
Brendan O'Casey, Richard Preddy, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Unlucky Alf: Lottery Ticket --- Big Kids: Construction Site
Jesse's Diets: Roasted Chicken --- Jazz Club: The James Nance Quartet
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Don't Park Your Car Here
Competitive Dad: Cricket --- Party Sins --- Competitive Dad: Update
Chanel 9 - Mundo Tedios: Inflaytion --- Patrick Nice: Stevie & Helena
Hello Darlin' --- Brilliant Kid: Old People
Chanel 9 - Mundo Tedios: End Credits --- Suit You, Sir: Old Couple
Gideon Soames: The Hanging Tree --- Big Kids: Financial News
Insecure Woman: Pulled Over --- Return of the Unpronounceables
Claymation --- Ron Manager: Gary Lineker
Jesse's Diets: Bourbon Biscuits --- Our Janine: Cliff Richard
Ted & Ralph: The Greenhouse
Patrick Nice: The Nobel Chemistry Prize --- Nuns
The Offroaders: Day One - The Journey Begins
Professor Denzil Dexter: The Mind --- Relationship Gossip
Rowley Birkin QC: Fireworks --- The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Raid
Next Week: They're Ready --- Rubbish Dad: Clowns
Chanel 9 - Mundo Tedios: More End Credits

"You know, excellent TV pundit. Crisp thief! Rarely wears a tie, but still remains a marvellous ambassador for the game. Nice man, nice face. Boyish charm with a hint of grey at the temples. But can you imagine that face contorted in the throes of sexual ecstasy?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 23 February 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Dave Cummings, Craig Cash, Caroline Aherne, Gary Howe,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Henry Normal,
Richard Preddy, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Eras Video: Cat and Dog, One Crazy Vacation, Uncle Duck II
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Rehearsal --- Shagging Couple: Moving In
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Cab --- The Sins of Past Love
That's Amazing!: Monster --- Patrick Nice: Harrods
Roy and Renée: Trolley-Dollies --- Brilliant Kid: Sex
Jesse's Diets: Chipolatas --- Competitive Dad: Squash
Shagging Couple: Over the Fence --- Big Kids: Calendar
Ted & Ralph: Fag Break --- Billy Bleach: Lottery Numbers
World Snooker Championship --- Our Janine: Grandma
Alcoholics Anonymous --- Jesse's Diets: Yoghurt
Jazz Club: The Donald Strong Jazz Tendency
Rowley Birkin QC: Johnny Ludlow --- Chanel 9: Big Show
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester: Grey's Monument --- Narrator: Wildlife Programme
The Arthur Atkinson Story: The Man, the Myth, the Mirth
Shagging Couple: Car --- Chanel 9 - Big Show: Mikki Disco
Patrick Nice: Hugh Grant --- Eras Video: Ginja Warrior
The Fat Sweaty Coppers: Lift --- Rubbish Dad: The National Lottery

"So tell us about your monster Dick."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 1 March 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Craig Cash, Felix Dexter, Caroline Aherne, Gary Howe,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Henry Normal, Glen Power,
Richard Preddy, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
The Offroaders: Day 5 - Paintballing --- Unlucky Alf: Hopping Off
Sins of Crime --- Shagging Couple: Camping Shop
Patrick Nice: Lottery Win --- Indecisive Dave: Crime & Punishment
Swimming Pool Discussion --- Big Kids: Balloon --- Our Janine: Dad
Mr. Wells --- Shagging Couple: Garden Party
The Offroaders: Let's Paintball --- The Arthur Atkinson Story: How Queer
Jesse's Diets: Taramasalata --- Patois --- Rowley Birkin QC: Cairo
The Cute Disabled Man --- Chanel 9: Weekend Metrologicus
Professor Denzil Dexter: Rainwater --- Ted & Ralph: A Bit to Eat
Ron Manager: Half-Time --- Gideon Soames: Samuel Palmer
The Offroaders: Going For the Flag --- Shagging Couple: Bushes
Insecure Woman: Foreign Correspondent --- Brilliant Kid: Wars, Helicopters
The Offroaders: The Last Push --- The Cute Disabled Man: Oscar

# Mr. Wells, you're a twat,
You're a bad old twa-a-a-a-at,
Mr. Wells, you're such a twat,
You boring old twa-a-a-a-a-a-a-at.

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 8 March 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
John Thomson, Craig Cash, Gary Howe, Henry Normal,
Richard Preddy, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Badger Watch with Bob Fleming --- Billy Bleach: Change
Pissed for Breakfast --- Billy Bleach: Take It Out of That Lot
Croupier: Oops! --- Chanel 9: Lotto Lotto --- Jesse's Diets: Acorns
Big Kids: Forecast --- Badger Watch with Bob Fleming: Waiting
Suit You, Sir: Restaurant --- The Offroaders: Day 7 - Mountaineering
Croupier: Found It --- Cockney Couple: Pie & Mash
Jazz Club: Yolanda Ayres --- Battle Discussion
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Perfume --- Patrick Nice: Kublai Khan
Croupier: Odds --- Brilliant Kid: Romans, Rugby Players, Cleopatra, Pyramids
Badger Watch with Bob Fleming: Cough Medicine --- Sins of the Grape
Competitive Dad: Languages --- Jesse's Diets: Timbales
Colin Hunt: Mingling --- Skweezy Cheezy Peaz --- Croupier: Wrong Number
Our Janine: Chelsie --- Shagging Couple: Chaffinch
Ted & Ralph: Scar --- Professor Denzil Dexter: Gamma Rays
Insecure Woman: Childbirth --- Cockney Couple: Southend

"Expect you can't keep your hands off her, can you, sir? I bet you bang her brains out, don't you, sir? I expect, after a heavy session, she looks like this in the morning, doesn't she, sir?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 15 March 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Craig Cash, Simon Day, Fiona Loonie, Henry Normal,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, Brendan O'Casey

SKETCHES:
Unlucky Alf: Widow --- English Country Cooking
Insecure Woman: In the Habit --- Pissed for Dinner
Unlucky Alf: Try Again --- Different with Boys: Drink
Rowley Birkin QC: Makeshift Crutch --- Roy and Renée: Flying
That's Amazing: Sheep Farmer --- Brilliant Kid: Is It?
Tarantino Discussion --- Big Kids: Forecast Fiasco
Unsure Shopper: Buying Trousers --- Gideon Soames: Walking and Talking
Patrick Nice: Hospital --- Gideon Soames: Cut It!
Unsure Shopper: Number 14 Bus --- Gideon Soames: Some Hall
Chanel 9: Questo Sporta --- Colin Hunt: Office Trolley
Unlucky Alf: Third Time Unlucky --- Big Kids: Head Bank
Indecisive Dave: Julie --- Jesse's Diets: Bulimic
Ted & Ralph: Learning to Fish --- Patrick Nice: Bible
Ron Manager: Penalty Decision --- Unlucky Alf: Time to Nail It
Football Sins --- Ron Manager: Car Stereos

"Did you see that Bergman film on the telly last night? What a complete waste of time that was! One, it was in black and white. Two, it was subtitled. Three, no one got shot. Four, no one got their kit off. Five..."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 22 March 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Brendan O'Casey, John Thomson, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Monkfish --- Jazz Club: Piles Hussein --- Unlucky Alf: Aggie's Cat
That's Amazing!: Magic Pen --- Jesse's Diets: Raspberry Pop-Tarts
Insecure Woman: Judge --- Suit You, Sir: Sports Jacket
Insecure Woman: Chipolatas --- Petrol Station Attendant: Garden Party
Billy Bleach: F.O.E. --- Pissed on the Phone
Ted & Ralph: Shooting with Clive --- Professor Denzil Dexter: Family Loaf
Brilliant Kid, Snowboarding, Surfing, Pamela Anderson
Chanel 9: El Amora y El Passione --- Jesse's Diets: Aren't Been 'Ungry
All Monkfish Great and Small --- Big Kids: Plane
The Arthur Atkinson Story: Five, Four, Three, Two, Hun
Different with Boys: Doctors --- Chanel 9: Monkfisch
Patrick Nice: Coffee Grinder --- Football Highlights
Rowley Birkin QC: Ice Floes --- Prime Monkfish --- Chanel 9: Scorchio

"Taking his shirt off and running through the waves, ya know, battered by salt spray, and, er, that other thing - what's it called? - Oh, yeah, spume, yeah! In't Pamela Anderson fantastic? I bet she's seen a lot of spume in her time."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 29 March 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod, Sid Roberson
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Gary Howe, Richard Preddy, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Professor Denzil Dexter: Skull
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Medicine --- Indecisive Dave: Tenerife
Jesse's Diets: Followed Through
Jazz Club: Jesus Mendoza Con Unidoth del Aluthath
Suit You, Sir: Fashion Show --- Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Cured
Arthur Atkinson: Boo! --- Sir Geoffrey Norman MP: Politics Show
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Train Station
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: Side Effects --- Chanel 9: Family Show
Our Janine: Supermodel --- Sir Geoffrey Norman MP: Exhibition
Rowley Birkin QC: A Beautiful Woman --- Competitive Dad: Monopoly
Patrick Nice: Fingerprints --- Sir Geoffrey Norman MP: Pulled Over
Different with Boys: Police Interview
Brilliant Kid: Golf, Grass, Horses --- First Date --- Sins of Jess
Sir Geoffrey Norman MP: Cab --- Ted & Ralph: Ted's Birthday

"No, no, no, no, no, no. If you think I'm going to answer any questions on government policy, you're quite wrong."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1996)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1996
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Craig Cash, Nathan Cockeril, Dave Cummings, Simon Day,
Gary Howe, Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, Richard Preddy,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Jesse's Diets: Holly --- Competitive Dad: Christmas Presents
Xmas Jazz Club: Art 'Artie' Storm --- Homosexuality Discussion
Ted & Ralph: Half a Penguin --- Roy and Renée: Christmas Dinner
Suit You, Sir: Carol Singers --- Colin Hunt: Office Party
French Film --- Patrick Nice: Uranium --- Fruit Corner
Ron Manager: Gorgeous! --- Roy and Renée: Cranberry Sauce
Insecure Woman: Christmas Fairy --- Ted & Ralph: No
Colin Hunt: Maria --- Petrol Station Attendant: : Aerial Display
That's Amazing! Sailor --- Happy Birthday
Brilliant Kid: Christmas, Mangers, Shepherds, Angels, Jesus
Bob Fleming's Country Favourites --- Rubbish Dad: Turkey
Danny Bleach: Personal Trainer --- Ted & Ralph: Kipling
Yuletide Cheesy Peas --- Insecure Woman: Pantomime Horse
Indecisive Dave: The Greatest Story Ever Told --- Unlucky Alf: Alone
Professor Denzil Dexter: TV Schedules --- Roy and Renée: Button It
Colin Hunt: Shall I Do My Trick Now? --- Our Janine: Family Christmas
The Offroaders: Rallycross --- Patrick Nice: Decimal Point
Roy and Renée: Awkward Silence --- Colin Hunt: The Trick
Jesse's Diets: Prozac --- Puppet Show --- Shagging Couple: Mistletoe
Rowley Birkin QC: 1954 --- Insecure Woman: French Film
Monkfish and Monkfish --- Different with Boys: Westminster Today
The Offroaders: Xmas Message --- That's Amazing!: #*$&
Rubbish Dad: Christmas Carols --- Rowley Birkin QC: Carol Singers
Fat Sweaty Coppers: Bus Bomb --- Chanel 9: Xmas Special - Sprog
Brilliant Kid: My Dad... --- Chris the Crafty Cockney: Presents

# And it's no, nay never...
A-choo! Hic! ARSE! Herumph!
No, nay, never no more...
Heurgh! A-choo! Hic! ARSE!
Will I play the wild rover...
Herumph! A-choo! Hic! ARSE!

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES THREE

(1997)
8 episodes
Series Score: 50
Episode Average: 6.25
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Craig Cash, David Cummings, Simon Day, Dave Gorman,
Graham Linehan, Bruce McGregor, Arthur Mathews, Bob Mortimer,
Henry Normal, Hugh Parker, John Thomson, Arabella Weir,
Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Jesse's Fashion Tips: Dolce e Gabbana
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In a French Maids' Finishing School
Checkout Girl: Microwave Meal, Parmesan Cheese, Beans & Sausages...
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Wallet --- Hah!: Love at First Sight
Jazz Club: Jackson Jeffrey Jackson --- Even Better Than That!: Potatoes
Billy Bleach: Jukebox --- Ted & Ralph: Bank Manager --- Weller: London
Chip Cobb: Belinda --- Hardest Game in the World: Lorry Driver
CP Eau de Fromage --- Brilliant Kid: Shelves, Gravity
Colin Hunt: I'm an Alien --- Ted & Ralph: Heading Home
Monster Monster: Spice Girls --- No Offence: Jill Dando's Pulse
That's Amazing!: Jack Off --- Swiss Toni: The Biggest Todger in the World
Rowley Birkin QC: Interesting Cheeses --- Roger Nouveau: I Like Red
Weller: Miner --- Insecure Woman: Traffic Warden
Chanel 9: Willy Ton Bastardo --- Ted & Ralph: Wallet
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: in a Student Nurses' Hall of Residence
Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Aerosols --- Suit You, Sir: Hamlet
Ted & Ralph: Hands Free --- Jazz Club: Still Sucking
Patrick Nice: Hobgoblin

"Oh, that's right, sir. I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I, sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out, sir."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Jane Bussmann, Craig Cash, David Cummings, Simon Day,
Dave Gorman, Gary Howe, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews,
Bob Mortimer, Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, Richard Preddy,
David Quantick, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Six Hours In Make-Up: An Old Man --- Singing Ramblers: Joyous
Colin Hunt: Photocopier --- Monkfish, Undercover Cop
Weller: London Marathon --- Johnny Nice Painted: Landscape
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In a Sixth-Form Girls' Dormitory
Jazz Club: Justin Palmer's Meltin' Pot --- This Historian: Apple Dunking
I Beg Your Pardon: Library --- Singing Ramblers: Struggling
No Offence: The Never Never --- Monster Monster: Lucky Boy
Indecisive Dave: Alan Shearer --- Jesse's Fashion Tips: Issey Miyake
Tommy Cockles' Golden Moments: Blame Arthur
Checkout Girl: Big Box of Powder, Family Bag of Crisps, Taters...
Even Better Than That!: Tonic Water, Wine, Lemons
Restaurant Seating Problem --- Rowley Birkin QC: Shanghai
Roger Nouveau: Equaliser --- Competitive Dad: School Play
Singing Ramblers: Stragglers --- Hardest Game in the World: Boxer
Patrick Nice: Louise --- Male Prostitutes --- Weller: Three Birds
Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Hill Tribe --- The Historian: Teddy Bears
Ron Manager: Nookie Ban --- Swiss Toni: Washing Cars
Chanel 9: Pissi Bir --- Singing Ramblers: Last Man
Roger Nouveau: Hampstead

"No, there's a simple mnemonic, you know. It's, erm, Concentration, Understanding, Nous and Tenacity. C-U-N... "

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Jane Bussmann, Craig Cash, David Cummings, Simon Day,
Dave Gorman, Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, Jonathan Powell,
David Quantick, Rhys Thomas, John Thomson, Arabella Weir,
Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Inept Zookeeper: Penguins --- Chris the Crafty Cockney: News Stand
Pub Landlady: Bread & Cheese --- Suit You, Sir: New Boy
Eras Video: The Long Big Punch-Up
Six Hours In Make-Up: Devillian Commander --- The Hurried Poor
Unlucky Alf: The Hall of Mirrors --- No Offence: Joan Collins' Snatch
Jesse's Fashion Tips: Navy Blue Court Shoes --- Chip Cobb: Ruth
Weller: Internet --- The Offroaders: Day 14 - Potholing
Checkout Girl: Perrier Water, Brown Bread, Beef...
Billy Bleach: Evening Classes --- Coach: Flow!
Swiss Toni: Camping --- The Historian: Punishment
The Long Big Punch-Up III: Return of the Punch-Up
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In a Women's Prison
Ha!: Life Starts at 21 --- Jazz Club: Thrusk
Johnny Nice Painter: Seascape --- The Hurried Poor
Hardest Game in the World: Pianist --- Heroin Galore
Coach: Come On! --- Insecure Woman: Holy Communion
Ted & Ralph: Bonfire --- Inept Zookeeper: That's Its...
Competitive Dad: Weightlifting
The Long Big Punch-Up IV: The Really Long Big Punch-Up on a Friday
New Bulb --- Competitive Dad: Carrying On Regardless
Heroin Galore: The Best Sneeze --- The Hurried Poor

"Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Jane Bussman, Craig Cash, Dave Cummings, Simon Day,
Dave Gorman, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Bob Mortimer,
Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, David Quantick, John Thomson,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Monster Monster: Zola --- The Offroaders: Day 1 - Survival
Inept Zookeeper: Elephants --- Suit You, Sir: Betty Swollox
Six Hours In Make-Up: The Comte de Villette
Weller: Freedom --- The Hurried Poor
Checkout Girl: Skimmed Milk, Linda McCartney Pie, Mixed Salad...
Ted & Ralph: Mortality --- Roger Nouveau: Bergkamp
Gourmet Cheesy Peas --- Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Global Warming
Insecure Woman: Mugger --- Ron Manager Rafe --- The Offroaders: Foraging
Even Better Than That: Stuff From the Garden Centre
Brilliant Kid: The Mafia --- Jazz Club: Ted Genus and Wet Blanket
The Hurried Poor --- Bob Fleming: Morris Dancing
Patrick Nice: Delia Smith --- Chris the Crafty Cockney: Survey
Petrol Station Attendant: : Canteen --- Ha!: Mine Was the Best
That's Amazing: Mr. Dinkum --- Jesse's Fashion Tips: Thong
The Offroaders: The Mushroom God --- Pub Landlady: Two Cars
Inept Zookeeper: Bull --- Rowley Birkin QC: Brrrrm! Vrrrrm! Miaow!
Swiss Toni: Decorating
Golden Moments: The Confessions of a Door-to-Door Cucumber Salesman

"You wanna watch where you're stepping round here boy! You might fall down hole! Where would you be if you fell down hole?! What about the fog?! Stuck in a hole! In the fog! Stuck in a hole! In the fog! In the middle of the night! With an owl! Up a tree! Stuck in a hole in the middle of the night! Stuck down hole with an owl! On your own! Behind the wall! Lovely old wall! Stuck down hole with an owl in the middle of the night! It could happen! Stuck down hole on your own in the middle of the night with an owl!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Jane Bussmann, Craig Cash, David Cummings, Simon Day,
Dave Gorman, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Eryl Maynard,
Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, David Quantick, Arabella Weir,
Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Chris the Crafty Cockney: No, Not Really
Checkout Girl: Air Freshener, Free Range Eggs, Sanitary Towels
Inept Zookeeper: Wellies --- Chip Cobb: Mike
Billy Bleach: Stool --- Competitive Dad: Tennis
Chanel 9: Fon 13th Nationale Filme & Telli-Welli Awarden
- Categorios Dramatico
(Thrombosis, Conflicta Urbana, El Amora y El Passionne)
The Historian: Head Boy --- Competitive Dad: Sore Loser
Weller: Comedy --- Hardest Game in the World: Vicar
Jess's Fashion Tips: No Pants
Jazz Club: Stepney Green and the New Headhunters
Rowley Birkin QC: Tribal Chief --- Billy Bleach: Bench
He's Never Done That Before: Retrieve Command
The Hurried Poor --- Colin Hunt: Low Tide at Glass Bay
Chanel 9: Fon 13th Nationale Filme & Telli-Welli Awarden
- Program Comedia
(Plip e Plop Don Comeddia Explosionne, Ton Twelf Ronnies,
Malle Hombres Disgustante)
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: Brazilian Synchronised Swimming Team
No Offence: Drillbit by Taylor Woodrow --- Ted & Ralph: The Family Solicitor
Six Hours In Make-Up: US Marine Commando Disguised as Jane
Ron Manager: First World War --- I Beg Your Pardon: Restaurant
Pub Landlady: Football --- Jimmy Nice Painter: Waterfalls
Suit You, Sir: You Know Your Own Mind --- Billy Bleach: Pew
Chanel 9: Fon 13th Nationale Filme & Telli-Welli Awarden
- Presentara Meteorologicos
(Willi Woolymann, Bibi, Poula Fisch)
The Hurried Poor --- Insecure Woman: Igloo

"One, almost hates oneself, don't you think? One feels the need to reacquaint oneself with the finer things in life, with purity and love and innocence. And then it's down with the trousers, out with the old chap, and come on, ladies, come on, gentlemen, come on you trannies, fruits of the forest, satyrs, come slide down the greasy pole of my depravity and I'll bring the chickens!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 19 December 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Jane Bussmann, Craig Cash, Nathan Cockeril. David Cummings,
Simon Day, Dave Gorman, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews,
Eryl Maynard, Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey, David Quantick,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Weller: Gig --- Unlucky Alf: Electrics --- The New Interrogator: Introductions
Billy Bleach: Stands --- Insecure Woman: The Virgin Queen
Colin Hunt: Crowded House --- Monster Monster: Villeneuve
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Copper
Jazz Club: Jeremy Queeg and Kumquat --- Jesse's Fashion Tips: Yoghurt
He's Never Done That Before: Long Distance Command
More Middle Class --- Pub Landlady: Proposal
Inept Zookeeper: Llamas --- Swiss Toni: The Phone
Patrick Nice: Earth Summit --- Competitive Dad: Art
Unlucky Alf: Back Home --- Inept Zookeeper: Camels
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: Best Friend's Wife
Tommy Cockles' Golden Moments: 112 Tadpole Gardens
Brilliant Kid: Holes --- Six Hours In Make-Up: Ventriloquist's Dummy
Billy Bleach: Cliff --- Weller: Tired
Hardest Game in the World: Chess Grandmaster
That's Amazing!: Jurassic Park --- The Hurried Poor
Ted & Ralph: Vegetable Drinking Game --- Unlucky Alf: Gas
Brilliant Kid: Brilliant

"Tomato Ted aubergine your potato wife's turnip dead."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Craig Cash, David Cummings, Simon Day, Dave Gorman,
Eryl Maynard, Bob Mortimer, Henry Normal, Brendan O'Casey,
John Thomson, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Patrick Nice: Banished --- Chip Cobb: The Wire
Weller: Fashion Show --- Ron Manager: Nice Cup of Tea
Swiss Toni: Coffee --- Pub Landlady: Ken
Roger Nouveau: The Offside Rule --- Jesse's Fashion Tips: Nipple Clamps
Johnny Nice Painter: Sky --- The 13th Duke of Wybourne: On a Farm
Billy Bleach: Tiger Woods
Chanel 9: Ton Cuisina De Monde - Ton Kichina Angleterros
Roger Nouveau: When the Ball --- Chanel 9: Ton Cuisina De Monde - Fry-Up
Rowley Birkin QC: Six Breasts --- What's a-Come-and-a-Go: Money
Gideon Soames: St. Bartholomew's --- The New Interrogater: Microfilm
Girl Men Can't Hear: Car Lock --- Hardest Game in the World: Ballet Dancer
Billy Bleach: Tree --- The Historian: Conkers --- Roger Nouveau: Between
Insecure Woman: Funeral --- Indie Club: Colon
Better Than That: Beer, Crisps, Nuts --- Suit You, Sir: X Marks the Spot
He's Never Done That Before: Obstacle Course
What's a-Come-and-a-Go: Date --- Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Motorway
Hillbilly: Mi Frend --- Checkout Girl: Pile Cream
Cockney Couple: A Northern Pub --- The Hurried Poor
Colin Hunt: Keith Uckyourself --- He's Never Done That Before: Go!
The Historian: Cane

"Another geezer, his old man was a Pygmy, his mum was French. Brilliant cook but he couldn't reach the stove."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 29 December 1997
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, David Cummings,
Simon Day, Dave Gorman, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews,
Brendan O'Casey, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
The Offroaders: Day 8 - White-Water Rafting
Rowley Birkin QC: The African Tiger ---
Jesse's Fashion Tips: Taffeta Cut on the Boils
Ron Manager: BSE --- I Beg Your Pardon: Naturalist
Monster Monster: Prince Naseem --- No Offence: Firming Cream
Rowley Birkin QC: Great Fun --- Colin Hunt: Restaurant
The New Interrogator: Russian Spies --- The Offroaders: The Famous Hat
Roger Nouveau: The World Cup --- Billy Bleach: Pontoon
Ted & Ralph: Esther's Funeral
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In a Mortuary --- Colin Hunt: Minor
Chanel 9: Ton Singingen Ringingen Bingingen Tingingen Plinkingen Plongingen Boingingen Triee
Brilliant Kid: Yesterday --- Colin Hunt: Come Along
The Hurried Poor --- Swiss Toni: Ideal Night Out
Tommy Cockles' Golden Moments: And Then What
Suit You, Sir: Charity Ball --- Patrick Nice: Honesty Box
Girl Men Can't Hear: Cuts --- Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Naturism
Weller: World Peace --- Ted & Ralph: Life Goes On
Suit You, Sir: Mannequin

"Ooooh! Utterly butterly!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

THE FAST SHOW LIVE

(1998)

SPECIAL

LIVE

Filmed: February 1998
Directed by: Roxana Silbert, Bob Spiers
Written by: Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Simon Day,
John Thomson, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, Bob Mortimer,
Dave Cummings, Paul Shearer

SKETCHES:
Unlucky Alf: Paul Whitehouse --- Opening --- You Ain't Seen Me, Right?
Billy Bleach: My Old Man --- Suit You, Sir: New Job
Six Hours In Make-Up: Planet of the Apes
Johnny Nice Painter: All Those Sheep
Tommy Cockles: The Ghost of Arthur Atkinson (and Chester Drawers)
Shagging Couple in the Gods --- Patagonian Buskers
Jesse's Sickness: Diarrhoea --- Jazz Club: Thrusk
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Bag --- Billy Bleach: Pulling Birds
Ron Manager: New Signing --- Swiss Toni: New Car
Patrick Nice: Christmas Eve
No Offence: Elizabeth Taylor's Hot Flush & Mel Gibson's Crotch
Dave Angel, Eco Warrior: Earth Summit --- The Inept Zookeeper: Ant
Brilliant Kid: The Circle, Ulrika Jonsson --- The Inept Zookeeper Wriggling
Brilliant Kid: Space Travel, Pelicans, Jesus, Sarcasm
Rubbish Dad, Theatre, Soaps, The Wireless
Colin Hunt: Open Mic --- Suit You, Sir: Ill Behaviour
Professor Denzil Dexter: Sock + Sandal = Beard
Monkfish: You Lot --- Bob Fleming's Folk Favourites
Patagonians --- That's Amazing!: Sheila
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: Bangkok --- The Historian: Piglet
Insecure Woman: Dominatrix --- Ted & Ralph: The Musical
Jesse's Diet: Twat --- Three Series --- Chip Cobb: 4-Tonner
Sex Doll --- Rowley Birkin QC: I Couldn't Understand a Bloody Word He Said
Chanel 9: Count Mysterio, Trudi, Mikki Disco --- The Hurried Poor
Kenny Valentine: Please Release Me --- The Curtain Call

"Playing golf, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean your balls... just to make sure that they move freely through the air. Then, before you take aim for the hole, watch out for any excess wind... any water hazards... or any dense undergrowth that might trap your balls."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

YOU AIN'T SEEN ALL
OF THESE, RIGHT!

THE BASTARD SON OF
THE FAST SHOW
(1999)

SPECIAL

YOU AIN'T SEEN ALL
OF THESE, RIGHT!

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1999
Directed by: John Birkin, Arch Dyson, Sid Roberson, Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, David Cummings,
Simon Day, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, John Thomson,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal

SKETCHES:
Air Raid Warden --- The King: Court Jester
I've Been Up All Night...: Office --- Ted & Ralph: Moustache
Women's Things: Breast Cancer --- Brilliant Kid: Girls
Angry Driver: Paper Seller! --- Lunch on the Transporter Bridge: Elvis
Conventional Cop: New Partner --- Patrick Nice: The Clintons & The Blairs
Mints --- Chris the Crafty Cockney: Computer
Conventional Cop: The Law is the Law --- Angry Driver: Builder!
I've Been Up All Night...: Phone --- Women's Things: Smear Test
In a Cattle Trough --- Chess Match --- The King: Fat Man
Ted & Ralph: Hiding --- Conventional Cop: Son's Birthday
Unlucky Alf: Dog --- Women's Things Miriam Stoppard
Angry Driver: Shops! --- Midlife Crisis: Golfing Excuses
Classical Buskers --- Conventional Cop: The Book
Midlife Crisis: Not a Child --- The Historian: Christmas
The King: Minstrels --- Ron Manager: Backwards
Angry Driver: Ponytail! --- Round the Fire
Patrick Nice: Sealed Knot Society
Tommy Cockles' Golden Moments: Blame Arthur! Blunt Scissors
Nun Fight --- Midlife Crisis: Restaurant
Jesse's Fashion Tips: Pastels --- Girl Men Can't Hear: Directions
Patagonian Buskers --- Dave Morris: Police Station
Unlucky Alf: Stuck --- Andy: Married Man --- The Offroaders: Model Plane
The King: Adviser --- Ponce in the Garden
No Offence: Burt Reynolds' Toupee --- Isle of Man: Evil
Prole in the Garden --- Dave Morris: Art Gallery
Billy Bleach: World Snooker Championship --- Pissed at Work
Rowley Birkin QC: Amazonian Rainforest
Ranting Driver: Everybody! --- Midlife Crisis: Tattoo
Competitive Dad: Arm-Wrestling --- Eskimo --- The Historian: Death
I've Been Up All Night...: Pulled Over
Our Janine: Supermodel (previously seen) --- Invitations
Ted & Ralph: Suit of Armour --- Angry Driver: Bus!
Ted & Ralph: Surprise --- Midlife Crisis: Lad's Night Out
New Year's Resolution --- Midlife Crisis: Kinky
Ted & Ralph: Ted! --- Angry Driver: ...

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that, I just meant to think it. I didn't mean to think it. I'm sorry."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

THE LAST FAST
SHOW EVER

(2000)
3 episodes
Series Score: 26
Episode Average: 8.67
Perfect 10's: 2

S4E1

PART 1

Originally broadcast: 26 December 2000
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, John Thomson, Brendan O'Casey,
Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, David Cummings

SKETCHES:
On a Map --- The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In the Gynaecology Dept.
Where Am I? Wine Bar --- Competitive Dad: Fishing
Jazz Club: The Boxwell Heath Archery Club
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Personalised Burglary Plan
Chanel 9: Groundo Forco --- Jesse's Experiments: Holding My Breath
Swiss Toni: Therapy --- Competitive Dad: A Bite
Hardest Game in the World: Black --- Ralph's Gardeners
Pashminas & Fabian Barthez --- No Offence: Syrup by Terry Wogan
Country Matters to Bob Fleming: The Last Ever Episode
Where Am I? On a Ledge --- Petrol Station Attendant: Scarecrow
It's a Right Royal Cockney Barrel of Monkeys
Competitive Dad: Excuses --- Colin Hunt: Big Issue
Cockney Couple: You Mug! --- That's Amazing: Never Stale Bread
Petrol Station Attendant: Centipedes --- Competitive Dad: Going Home
Chip Cobb: Getting Worse --- Johnny Nice Painter: Sheep
Patrick Nice: Golf --- Ted & Ralph: Naked --- Billy Bleach: Offer
Jesse's Experiments: Blancmange --- Rowley Birkin QC: Maiden Aunt
Petrol Station Attendant: Slithering Thing --- Suit You Sir, An American
Blair Witch Project --- Ted & Ralph: Twins --- Suit You, Sir: Oh!

"Today I'll mostly be dangling my knob in blancmange."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

PART 2

Originally broadcast: 27 December 2000
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, John Thomson, Brendan O'Casey,
Bob Mortimer, David Cummings

SKETCHES:
Brought to You by Cheesy Peas --- Insecure Woman: Clothes Shop
Ralph's Gardeners: Organic Farming & Obsession --- Jazz Club: Dr. Howe
Ha! Never Look at Another Woman --- Ron Manager: Jimi Hendrix
Eras Video: The Long Punch-Up V - Gladiator --- Colin Hunt: Flight Simulator
Jesse's Experiments: Holding On --- Suit You, Sir: Older Woman
Eras Video: The Long Big Punch-Up VI - Gladiator II
Professor Denzil Dexter: Frightened by Science
Dave Angel - Eco Warrior: Organic Food
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: Agony Correspondent at a Teen Mag
Colin Hunt: Toilet --- That's Amazing: Human Hand Fan
Hardest Game in the World: Mother --- Cheesy Piss
Ted & Ralph & The Gardeners: Beetles --- Ha! Hip Op
Changing Monkfish --- Chanel 9: Futha Mukka
Ralph's Gardeners: Yoghurt
Eras Video: The Big Punch-Up VII - Gladiator III
Colin Hunt: Complimentary Drink
Tommy Cockles: King Arthur of the Jungle --- Where Am I? Cheesy Peas
Billy Bleach: Pub Quiz --- Chanel 9: Boris Ton Bastardo
Billy Bleach: No... No... No... --- No Offence: Cellulite
Billy Bleach: First Question --- Jesse's Experiments: Coil
Ha!: Second Time Around --- Swiss Toni: Fishing
Patrick Nice: Jerry Springer --- Colin Hunt: Blanket
Eras Video: The Big Punch-Up VIII - Gladiator IV
Unlucky Alf: Community
Eras Video: The Big Punch-Up IX - Gladiator V
Revenge of the Cheesy Peas

"You're young, sir. You probably take it for granted, don't you, your scrotum? You think it's very snug and compact - a discreet little friend, tucked behind your phenoblin pin forever. But take it from me, sir, in 40 years' time it'll be down by your knees, wrinkled like Mother Teresa."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

PART 3

Originally broadcast: 28 December 2000
Directed by: Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day,
Arabella Weir, Mark Williams, John Thomson, Brendan O'Casey,
Gerry Gregory

SKETCHES:
Jesse's Experiments: Teasing Policemen --- Competitive Dad: Christmas Tree
Chris the Crafty Cockney: Pokemon Cards
Ralph's Gardeneners: Gladiator --- Swiss Toni: Pile-Up
Indecisive Dave: The Doorway Dance --- Insecure Woman: On a Ledge
Ron Manager: ITV --- Chip Cobb: Quarter Past
Johnny Nice Painter: Portrait --- Competitive Dad: Turkey
McMonkfish --- No Offence: The Whiff of Lez
Jesse's Experiments: Head --- Professor Denzil Dexter: New Math
Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: GM Foods --- Competitive Dad: Crackers
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: The Fitting Room of the Lingerie Department
Girl Men Can't Hear: Cab --- Patrick Nice: Aga Khan
That's Amazing!: Where Am I?
Rowley Birkin QC: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Colin Hunt: Fired --- Tommy Cockles: Ooh, Arthur!
Competitive Dad: Swimming Film --- Ted & Ralph: Down the Pub
Ralph's Gardeners: Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh Diet
Suit You, Sir: Kenneth, Help! --- Competitive Dad: Trivial Pursuit
Ted & Ralph: Karaoke --- Goodbyes --- Ralph's Gardeners: Sweetbreads

"Picture the scene, Paul. My horn is jammed on. All I can see is her Volvo coming at me at 120 miles an hour. 'My God', I thought, 'now I'm going to eat Volvo'. And then in I went with a terrific bang. Finally, it was all over, and I just lay there with a cracked big end covered in leaking fuel, waiting for the emergency services to pull me out."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

THE FAST SHOW
FAREWELL TOUR

(2003)

SPECIAL

FAREWELL TOUR

Filmed: 2003
Directed by: Roxana Silbert, Mark Mylod
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day, Rhys Thomas, Arabella Weir, Mark Williams

SKETCHES:
Unlucky Alf: Swearing --- Suit You, Sir: Do You Want It?
Billy Bleach: Someone's Sitting There --- Insecure Woman?
Let's Offroad --- Patagonian Buskers --- Trombone
Dragging On a Bit --- Billy Bleach: Male Cosmetics
Suit You, Sir: Gameboy --- Johnny Nice Painter: Birds
Competitive Dad: Pub --- The Arthur Atkinson Radio Show
Tommy Cockles: Joke --- Jesse's Philosophy: Pregnant
Chanel 9: Jazz Club - Thrusk
No Offence: Elizabeth Taylor's Hot Flush & Angus Deayton's Crotch
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In a Box with the Shagging Couple
Patagonian Buskers --- Competitive Dad: Press-Ups
I'm Not Pissed: Seat --- Chris the Crafty Cockney: Dropped Dosh
Patrick Nice: Rear of the Year --- Cheesy Peas Dance
Swiss Toni: The Dentist --- Ron Manager: Sven's Men
Different with Boys: Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves
Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior: Sweets --- Bob Fleming's Folk Favourites
Sex Doll --- Ted & Ralph: The Musical
Jesse's Christmas: Away in a Manger --- Billy Bleach: Cowboy
Terrorists --- Rowley Birkin QC: Third Wife
The Lady M (Pissed, Pardon Me, Girl Men Can't Hear, Monkfish)
Suit You, Sir: Rabbits --- Colin Hunt: Open Mic
The Petrol Station Attendant: Slithering Thing
That's Amazing!: Sheila & Animal Sounds
The Long Big Punch-Up VII --- Patrick Nice: John Major & Edwina Currie
Chanel 9: Xmas Special - Sprog

"I've arsed me sideburn off!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL:

NOT ON THE DVD
(Made up of material from the Foster's Funnies online series)

THE FAST SHOW
20th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

(2014)

SPECIAL

PART 1

Originally broadcast: 23 May 2014
Directed by: Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Arabella Weir

SKETCHES:
Ted & Ralph: Lady Gaga --- Upstairs Monkfish Downstairs Monkfish
Swiss Toni: The Devil's Wheels --- Rowley Birkin QC: Cancer
Billy Bleach: Phone --- Professor Denzil Dexter: Conditioning
Billy Bleach: Letter to a Bird --- Chanel 9 Neus: Ukräyne & Irlande
Nigella's Chocolate Cheesy Peas --- Jazz Club: Herbie Jackson
Chanel 9: The Colonel --- Johnny Nice Painter: Farm
The 13th Duke of Wybourne: In an Old People's Home
Roy and Renée: Eating Out --- Jazz Club: Introducing...
Johnny Nice Painter: Green --- Gourmet Party Frozen Cheesy Peas
Dave Angel, Eco Warrior: New Fuels --- No Offence: Wheelchair
Brilliant Kid: Universe, Living With Me Mam --- Ted & Ralph: Twitter
Ron Manager: The Five F's

"Right, you. I want you upstairs polishing my boots. And you, I want you downstairs polishing my helmet. Come on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL

PART 2

Originally broadcast: 26 May 2014
Directed by: Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse
Written by: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Caroline Aherne,
Simon Day, John Thomson, Arabella Weir

SKETCHES:
Cheesy Peas App --- Swiss Toni: Eggs & Potatoes
Ron Manager: High Stools --- Insecure Woman: Upstairs Downstairs
Billy Bleach: Man Trouble --- Chanel 9: 30sek Neus
Rowley Birkin QC: Nairobi vs. Mombasa --- Billy Bleach: Cosmetic Surgery
Arthur Atkinson: The Tumbling Turk --- Our Janine: To Razor
John Actor: Bitter & Out of Work --- Johnny Nice Painter: Canal
Arthur Atkinson: Equestrian Cement --- Our Janine: To Janine
Dave Angel, Eco Warrior: Overfishing
Bob Fleming & Jed Thomas: The Trip --- Jack Pot & Tom Bowler
John Actor: Jamaican Accent, Costume Dramas, The Office, Pirate
Jazz Club: Quantitative Easing --- Colin Hunt: Comedy
John Actor: It's Me! --- Professor Denzil Dexter: Compound
I Beg Your Pardon: Upstairs Downstairs --- Billy Bleach: Bit o' Cake
Ted & Ralph: Italian

"You were only supposed to blow the bleedin' ARSE off it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

PAUL WHITEHOUSE

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

JED THOMAS

as...

TED

as...

RON MANAGER

as...

UNLUCKY ALF

as...

KEN

CHARLIE HIGSON

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

RALPH

as...

BOB FLEMING

as...

SWISS TONI

as...

JOHNNY NICE PAINTER

as...

SIMON

ARABELLA WEIR

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

DIFFERENT WITH BOYS

as...

DOREEN

as...

INSECURE WOMAN

as...

PUSHY SALESWOMAN

as...

MRS. COMPETITIVE DAD

SIMON DAY

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

BILLY BLEACH

as...

CARL HOOPER

as...

DAVE ANGEL, ECO-WARRIOR

as...

COMPETITIVE DAD

as...

TOMMY COCKLES

JOHN THOMSON

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

RUBBISH DAD

as...

PROFESSOR DENZIL DEXTER

as...

ROGER NOUVEAU, FOOTBALL FAN

as...

ROY

as...

CHIP COBB

CAROLINE AHERNE

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

CHECKOUT GIRL

as...

JANINE CARR

as...

POULA FISCH

as...

WORLDVIEW PRESENTER

as...

RENÉE

MARK WILLIAMS

OUR FIVE FAVOURITE CHARACTERS:

as...

PETROL STATION ATTENDANT

as...

JESSE

as...

KENNETH

as...

"EVEN BETTER THAN THAT"

as...

CLIVE TUCKER

ERYL
MAYNARD

...as Chorus Girl

PAUL
SHEARER

...as Kolothos Apollonia

MARIA
McERLANE

...as Pissed Mother

COLIN
McFARLANE

...as Jackson Jeffrey Jackson

DONNA
EWIN

...as Gambler

RHYS
THOMAS

...as Paul

ROBIN
DRISCOLL

...as Fat Sweaty Copper

NICK
HOLDER

...as Fat Sweaty Copper

LOUISE
BRILL

...as Bibi

JEFF
HARDING

...as Ed Winchester

PHILIP
POPE

...as Pianist

MICHELLE
COLLINS

...as Chanel 9 Girl