British Comedy: The Army Game

Years: 1957-1961
Broadcaster: ITV (Granada)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Maurice Wiltshire, Sid Colin,
Lew Schwarz, Larry Stephens, Marty Feldman,
Barry Took, David Climie, John Antrobus,
Brad Ashton, Derek Collyer, David Cumming,
John Junkin, Maurice Murphy
Stars: Bill Fraser, Alfie Bass
Episodes: 154 (104 lost)
Episode Average: 6.820*

BEST EPISODES:
Tiger Bisley (1959), A Piece of Cake (1960)

*based on surviving episodes

SERIES ONE

(1957)
13 episodes (11 lost)
Series Score: 12*
Episode Average: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0
*based on surviving episodes

S1E7

THE MAD BULL

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1957
Directed by: Milo Lewis
Written by: Larry Stephens, Maurice Wiltshire

The lads from hut 29 find a letter about a course in the South of France, Bullimore can't help being suspicious about a change in behaviour, and Popplewell tries to learn French in the hope of meeting Marilyn Monroe.

"Well, now, you go over to hut 29 and you keep an eye on Popplewell and that girl who isn't there. For all you know, she may not be there still."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E13

THE NEW OFFICER

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1957
Directed by: Milo Lewis
Written by: Larry Stephens, Maurice Wiltshire

A new officer takes charge of the depot while Upshot-Bagley's away on leave, news of a fire precaution check is seen as an ideal way to prove himself, and smoke canisters are brought in to get the lads on their toes.

"I shouldn't be at all surprised if one dark night he doesn't accidentally bang his face into somebody's fist."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1957-1958)
26 episodes (25 lost)
Series Score: 6*
Episode Average: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0
*based on surviving episodes

S2E2

W.R.A.A.C.S.

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1957
Directed by: Milo Lewis
Written by: Larry Stephens, Maurice Wiltshire

Upshot-Bagley's gets an earful when one of the huts goes up in smoke, preparations are made for the arrival of a sergeant and three privates, and the lads have to act when they find themselves left out in the cold.

"Hello, they've still got their decorations up then."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES THREE

(1958-1959)
39 episodes (38 lost)
Series Score: 8*
Episode Average: 8.00
Perfect 10's: 0
*based on surviving episodes

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE IN THE STYLE OF THE OPENING CREDITS AND THE FACT THAT CATCHPOLE IS INTRODUCED TO FLOGGER IN 'THE PIG RETURNS' SUGGEST THAT THIS EPISODE MIGHT BE PART OF SERIES FIVE.

S3E17

OFFICER MATERIAL

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1959
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Upshot-Bagley comes up with an idea to find possible officers in the unit, the lads from hut 29 try to make a bit of money from inspections, and Bullimore faces a charge after an unexpected visit from headquarters.

"Well, are we expecting anybody from headquarters unexpected?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1959-1960)
38 episodes
Series Score: 269*
Episode Average: 7.08
Perfect 10's: 5
*not including Bootserella.

THIS IS LISTED AS EPISODE 4, BUT THE ARRIVAL OF
PVT. DOOLEY SUGGESTS THAT IT SHOULD BE EPISODE 1.

S4E3

ENTER A DARK STRANGER

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Flogger decides to have a little fun with the newest recruit in hut 29, Pocket refuses to believe the results of the cleanest hut competition, and Bootsie gives the lads a shock when he reads out a letter from home.

"Here, what about this? I'll have to borrow a lawnmower before I can go to bed?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E1

SNUDGE AND JIMMY O'GOBLIN

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Dooley's teased for investing his money in superstitious nonsense, Flogger suggests a way to avoid being volunteered for rubbish dump duty, and the lads curse Snudge to put an end to his sudden lucky streak.

"'I am writing to tell you...', that's another thing about me mam, she never writes unless she's telling me something, '...that your cousin Florrie has had her bedroom done out. She has got yellow wallpaper, yellow paint, yellow lino, yellow curtains and a yellow bedspread. She got yellow jaundice last Tuesday and we have not found her since'."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

THE TAKE-OVER BID

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The War Office announce plans to sell off all of the redundant camps, the lads overhear a local farmer offering £200 for Nether Hopping, and Flogger's idea of making a better offer starts a bidding war with the City.

"Mammoth factory? I didn't know they manufactured mammoths!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

SNUDGE'S BUDGIE

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Attempts to avoid dirty work see the lads volunteered for drain duty, Bootsie takes it on himself to grant Snudge's pet budgie its freedom, and Flogger suggests finding a replacement so they can claim a reward.

"Ah, look... look at that skinny little parrot."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The lads take bets on whether Snudge can manage to quit smoking, Bootsie reluctantly volunteers as his batman so he can monitor progress, and listening to a hypnosis record leads to an accusation of stealing.

"Look at that... Pete Pan... smoking! No wonder he never not growed up."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

THE CAMERA NEVER LIES

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Snudge ends talk of leave when food disappears from the cookhouse, a film made by a visiting ornithologist catches the thieves in action, and Flogger suggests that the lads should make a little film of their own.

"Oh, I don't know... these professors, they get funny ideas. This education, it goes to there heads, it does."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

WHEN THE POPPIES BLOOM AGAIN

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Flogger's unimpressed when a shady acquaintance suddenly reappears, Snudge is delighted when unwanted poppies turn out to be lucrative, and information from a library book gives the lads cause for concern.

"No use you banging your head saying 'Think, man, think', you can't teach an old dog new tricks, ya know."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

MIRACLE IN HUT 29

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie gets a shock when he reads what the kids want for Christmas, Flogger picks the wrong dead cert when he tries to boost the kitty, and Snudge and Pocket battle over who should fill the Santa Claus costume.

"But they're lovely logs. They're made out of real wood."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

NIGHT TRAIN TO ITCHWICK

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Breaking out of camp to go to the races leaves the lads close to broke, Len puts an end to Flogger's plan to raise money for train tickets, and Snudge worries about losing power if 'confined-to-barracks' is abolished.

"Whose dog is it then?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

OFFICERS AND GENTLEMEN

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie promotes himself in order to impress an officer in the WRENS, news that she is about to visit the camp sends him into a panic, and Flogger manages to come up with a plan involving an unexploded bomb.

"Penelope, put your arms about me. Oh, Penelope, envelop me."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E11

TIGER BISLEY

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Basher Briggs runs out of willing sparring partners after knocking out teeth, Bootsie finds an unexpected streak of bravery after a visit to the dentist, and standing up to Snudge leads to something of a mismatch.

"You've forgot your 'orse, ain't ya?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E12

THE BISLEY COURT MARTIAL

Originally broadcast: 11 December 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Pocket has to defend Bootsie when he's accused of murdering Snudge, the court hear of displeasure at being put on ablution guard duty, and Flogger tries his best to paint a picture of a very beautiful friendship.

"Another cheep out of you and you'll be looking at the world through rose-coloured glasshouses."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E13

THE LONG WALK

Originally broadcast: 18 December 1959
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The lads are chosen for a long march record attempt after a night at the dogs, Snudge gets his special boots out so he can keep an eye on things, and Flogger makes a few calls after reading that it's to be televised.

"Sir, look, if I can get that lot marched up to the top of the hill and march them down again, sir, you can make me the Duke of York."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E14

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Originally broadcast: 1 January 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The Chairman of the Messing Committee hits a snag with the New Year whisky, the lads decide to raffle off hooch so they can buy the real thing, and the arrival of a Scotsman in hut 29 leads to a battle of the bottles.

"Yeah, shame, innit? I mean, it's more like your big day up there, innit? I know all about this. You've got a special name for it. Mahogany."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THIS WAS A PANTOMIME BROADCAST AS PART OF 'CHELSEA AT NINE'.

SPECIAL

BOOTSERELLA

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: David Climie

Baron Stonybroke hopes to finally marry off the ugliest of his daughters, Prince Charming arranges a dance to find himself a rich heiress, and a fairy godfather visits to make sure that Bootserella can go to the ball.

"Oh, usually, yes, but not tonight. Tonight I'm out of Pocket, I'm Stonybroke."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E15

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Originally broadcast: 8 January 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Len gets spotted in the village when he's supposed to be on guard duty, Pocket's pleased when the solution seems to involve a twin-brother, and a suspicious Snudge tries desperately to prove that it's all just a trick.

"Gerald and Len - the Margarine Men. Well, can you tell the difference?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E16

BOWLER HATTING OF POCKET

Originally broadcast: 15 January 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Pocket faces being relieved of his commission after yet another mistake, the new commanding officer makes his expectations clear in hut 29, and Snudge isn't happy about his role being reduced to that of a NAAFI girl.

"Yes, sir, and if that's no good, I'll work you know who a right you know what up his you know where"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E17

THE SOFT LIFE

Originally broadcast: 22 January 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

A designer arrives on camp with ideas on how to improve the barracks, Snudge fails to demonstrate that conditions are perfectly adequate, and the lads of hut 29 try to get used to having carpets and salad on demand.

"Look at ya! You look like a lot of abdominal snowman"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E18

SON OF SNUDGE

Originally broadcast: 29 January 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Snudge is keen to use new psychological ideas to appeal to the men, an attempt to make activities more fun sees the lads playing Indians, and Bootsie responds to having a new father by regressing back to childhood.

"Algebra, sir. Well, you never know, a foreign language might come in handy sometime."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E19

A ROCKET CALLED FRED

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

A crate of miniature guided missiles are sent to Nether Hopping in error, Pocket tries to find out what happened to his aunt's elderberry wine, and Snudge demands that the lads try to launch one of the new weapons.

"And at this end there is a point which is used for pointing at things."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E20

DON'T SEND MY BOY TO PRISON

Originally broadcast: 12 February 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The radio and newspapers report of a convict breaking out of prison, Flogger provides papers to help him blend in with the lads of hut 29, and Snudge realises that capturing the man might be a feather in his cap.

"Yes, well, I shouldn't worry about that too much, Sergeant Major, there's an absolutely splendid place in the village. They're called the Back In a Flash 24-hour Cleaners. They take about two weeks. Absolutely splendid firm."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E21

A PIECE OF CAKE

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Pocket launches Operation Sweet Tooth to appeal to Snudge's soft side, Flogger has to think fast when Len and Bootsie polish off a huge cake, and a voice in the paint shop suggests ingredients for the replacement.

"That's just your trouble, Corporal, because you've never not done nothing, honest. I know all about you and you don't know what I know. If you knew what I knew about you half as much as I know about you, you'd soon know when to know when not to say no, yes."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E22

NEVER VOLUNTEER

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Pocket can't understand why hut 29 haven't volunteered to guard a film star, Snudge tricks the lads into signing up for a job in the Antarctic, and Flogger realises that some good can come from having a criminal record.

"That'll teach you something... Always read the readings before writing the writings."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E23

A MARRIAGE HAS BEEN ARRANGED

Originally broadcast: 4 March 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Moosh tells the lads of his intention to marry a girl from the village shop, Snudge plots to keep newly created married quarters for himself, and Bootsie gets himself in a tangle after offering to pop the question.

"My bungalow, sir, is not fit for human consumption."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E24

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Originally broadcast: 11 March 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie feigns illness to get out of attending Pocket's historical lectures, too much medication leads to a dream about being in Wellington's army, and more and more tablets leads further and further back into history.

"Don't look now but your slip is showing."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E25

A QUESTION IN THE HOUSE

Originally broadcast: 18 March 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Len struggles with the creative side of writing to the local MP, Pocket learns of a visit to investigate allegations of poor treatment, and Snudge accepts a bet about the the escapology skills of the new man in hut 29.

"Bisley... Baker... Bone... A right lot of B's we've got 'ere."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E26

THE CLAUDE SNUDGE STORY

Originally broadcast: 25 March 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Snudge tells Pocket that he's sending his memoirs off to be published, a confiscated set brings an end to television nights in hut 29, and Flogger plots his revenge by arranging an appearance on the screen of Satan.

"That was when I was creeping, sir. It was dark as a crypt when I crept."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - C O N T I N U E D - B E L O W - - - - -

SERIES FOUR CONTINUED FROM ABOVE

S4E27

APRIL FOOL

Originally broadcast: 1 April 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

The lads wake up to a series of childish pranks on April Fools' Day, a Brigadier arrives at Nether Hopping in the hope of finding a new RSM, and Snudge tries to prove that he has the wit to outwit the wit of hut 29.

"We can't. We can't... We can't have old Smudge posted away. I'll have nobody to hate!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THIS EPISODE IS A REMAKE OF W.R.A.A.C.S. FROM SERIES 2.

S4E28

GOODNIGHT LADIES

Originally broadcast: 8 April 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

A sergeant and three privates need accommodation pending postings, the lads try to sneak back into camp after attending a village dance, and sharing a rain-soaked bivouac with rodents gives Flogger an idea.

"Yeah, I know, but I was expecting a male sergeant with male privates, sir. And I go and look and there's a lot of female privates, sir... Standing... Standing dressed in their whatchamacallits. I mean, how was I to know the difference?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E29

ONE OF THE LADS

Originally broadcast: 15 April 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: David Climie, Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

A private from a decorated military family insists on staying in hut 29, Flogger's annoyed when fatigue duty gets in the way of placing a bet, and Snudge fails to be taken in by a sudden enthusiasm for physical exercise.

"You want to play games, let's play games. My name is Snudge, and it's spelt trouble, T.R.U.B.E.L.L."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E30

HOLDING THE BABY

Originally broadcast: 22 April 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie returns to camp holding a baby that he was handed on a train, the lads agree to look after the child until Flogger can find the mother, and Snudge targets hut 29 in his investigation into a spate of thefts.

"I don't need half an hour to smell a rat with me eyes shut. When it comes to smelling rats, there ain't not a man what can smell like I can."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E31

PEN PALS ANONYMOUS

Originally broadcast: 29 April 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Pocket suggests a pen pal as an ideal outlet for feelings of loneliness, Bootsie realises that he hates Snudge even more than he hates custard, and two lost souls agree to meet each other at the Euston Station buffet.

"Everybody's bigger than you, you don't not belong in the army. You should be trailing along behind Snow White. Ha ha ha."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E32

ARE YOU RECEIVING ME?

Originally broadcast: 6 May 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Snudge unwittingly nominates himself as wireless telegraphy instructor, Baker worries that he'll be dumped by his girlfriend if he misses a date, and Flogger sends out a distress call from expedition in the Amazon.

"I'm not exactly an expert, sir. I've been dabbling at it, you know. I was mucking about with crystal sets when I was eight. Had my own transmitter when I was seventeen. Yes, I was the biggest ham in the district."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E33

THE EFFICIENCY REPORT

Originally broadcast: 13 May 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

A civilian expert is sent to the camp to sort out efficiency problems, Snudge is furious when parades are deemed to be a waste of time, and the lads form a union to protest against the new way of doing things.

"Well, that took twelve seconds. One 'no' would have been quite sufficient."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E34

BULL BY THE HORN

Originally broadcast: 20 May 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire,
Marty Feldman, Barry Took

Bootsie drives the camp mad with the sound of his trumpet blowing, the Brigadier decides to visit after hearing the camp bugler over the phone, and waking up at 06:00 proves more difficult to master than Reveille.

"Yes, sir, that's why the other place is so full. Besides, he's not an archangel, he's not even a musician. He don't not... he don't know his brass from his elbow."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E35

A TOUCH OF THE OTHER

Originally broadcast: 27 May 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: David Climie, Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie insists that he is innocent when accused of writing obscenities, Flogger suggests stealing a secret document to attract allegations, and Snudge spots an opportunity to catch a traitor returning from Russia.

"Well, you see, sir, I'm worried about my jelly babies, sir. I mean, they're frightened of the dark, they are. And they feel sort of lonely in there, sir."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E36

THE FEUD

Originally broadcast: 3 June 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire,
Marty Feldman, Barry Took

The local vicar makes a complaint about his choirboys being beaten up, the lads send Bootsie to Coventry after finding him guilty of cowardice, and an open day leaves Snudge looking for information about a rematch.

"He talked to me. Perhaps I've been wrong about him. He's not ugly. He's got a kind face. Look at it, all lollopy with all skin on. His eyes are not beady at all, they're all twinkly and bloodshot. Yeah, he's got a nice face... on the whole. He's a bit like my mum, except for the moustache."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E37

OUT OF THIS WORLD

Originally broadcast: 10 June 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire

Bootsie gets himself into trouble while working in the boiler room, a magazine article leads to thoughts of being the first man on the moon, and meeting the locals suggests that life in space isn't all that different.

"When I tell somebody to stoke coke, that bloke had better stoke coke till his back's broke, and that ain't no joke. Snudge has spoke. Stoke!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E38

EMERGENCY HUT 29

Originally broadcast: 17 June 1960
Directed by: Gordon Flemyng
Written by: Sid Colin, Lew Schwarz, Maurice Wiltshire,
Marty Feldman, Barry Took

Bootsie contracts a nasty strain of the flu after refusing the injection, Snudge ends up ill in the next bed after accusations of malingering, and Flogger comes up with a plan to spend some time with the local ladies.

"'Ere, no splashin'!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FIVE

(1960-1961)
39 episodes (31 lost)
Series Score: 46*
Episode Average: 5.75
Perfect 10's: 0
*based on surviving episodes

S5E1

THE RETURN OF THE PIG

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Maurice Wiltshire

The lads return to camp to find that much has changed in their absence, Upshot-Bagley worries about his pig while her carer is in the glasshouse, and Bullimore blocks a plan to extract trade secrets from Catchpole.

"Love a pig? Don't be ridiculous. It's just... it's just that I've been with her ever since she was a little squealer, that's all. With her every day I was. She got me off spud bashing, coal fatigue, the lot. She's more than just a pig to me. She was... She was a mother."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

THE DO-GOODERS

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: John Junkin

The lads get into trouble when when they're caught gambling in a café, a talk from the League of Light helps Catchpole see the error of his ways, and not everyone's taken in by a plan for hut 29 to clean up their act.

"No, I mean, they may be misguided, but that's because they come from a broken hut."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THE MARSHAL'S BATON

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Maurice Wiltshire

Bullimore makes accusations of petty thievery when blankets go missing, a field marshal's baton arrives ahead of a speech on camp morale, and Flogger has to hide the evidence after proving his safe-cracking ability.

"What's he talking about? My morales aren't low. When I take a young lady out, I treat her like a gentleman."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

INSURANCE

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Maurice Wiltshire

Bullimore's furious when a journalist causes a cancellation of charges, Flogger attempts to make money by insuring the lads against jankers, and Catchpole tries to get himself into trouble after smelling a rat.

"Yeah, my uncle, he paid insurance and when he died he never got a penny. No, his missus got it all."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

IT'S IN THE BOOK

Originally broadcast: 1 November 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Derek Collyer, David Cumming

Comments in a book persuade Upshot-Bagley to give up pigs and whisky, hopes of weekend passes are dashed by changes in camp discipline, and a guilt-ridden change of heart brings the threat of being bowler hatted.

"It's only three, it's not old enough to smoke."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S5E7

WALTZING MATILDA

Originally broadcast: 8 November 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Maurice Wiltshire

The lads think a dropped parcel must be to do with Catchpole's birthday, Bullimore's not happy when a musical watch from Australia gets lost in the post, and Len hits on the bright idea of having the tune changed.

"Donald Duck past Mickey Mouse, sir."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

THE KINDEST MAN IN BRITAIN

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: John Antrobus

The lads get revenge on Bullimore by nominating him for a competition, Moosh's mental health is questioned when he finds a man under his bed, and Upshot-Bagley uses press interest to help with a recruitment drive.

"Oh, don't be a silly boy, you know you're not allowed to keep things under the bed... especially human beings."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S5E13

THE ARTIST

Originally broadcast: 20 December 1960
Directed by: Max Morgan Witts
Written by: Brad Ashton, Maurice Wiltshire

Flogger's furious when a fracas gets in the way of his new betting system, an art course provides opportunity for one man to travel to Itchwick, and Bullimore insists that Catchpole do his portrait to prove his artistic skill.

"Now, don't tell me your turning your noses up at Tchaikovsky and Brahms... Two of the finest poets in the English language."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

CPL. 'FLOGGER'
HOSKINS

Played by Harry Fowler
46 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Miracle in Hut 29
(S4E8)

PVT. LEN
BONE

Played by Ted Lune
44 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Snudge and Jimmy O'Goblin
(S4E1)

PVT. MONTAGUE
'EXCUSED BOOTS' BISLEY

Played by Alfie Bass
40 surviving episodes (1957-1960)
in... Enter a Dark Stranger
(S4E3)

LCPL. ERNEST 'MOOSH'
MERRYWEATHER

Played by Mario Fabrizi
30 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Bowler Hatting of Pocket
(S4E16)

PVT. BILLY
BAKER

Played by Robert Desmond
10 surviving episodes (1960)
in... April Fool
(S4E27)

PVT. RODERICK 'CHUBBY'
CATCHPOLE

Played by Dick Emery
9 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... The Do-Gooders
(S5E3)

PVT. 'CASS'
DOOLEY

Played by Harry Towb
7 surviving episodes (1959)
in... When the Poppies Bloom Again
(S4E7)

PVT. 'POPEYE'
POPPLEWELL

Played by Bernard Bresslaw
3 surviving episodes (1957)
in... The New Officer
(S1E6)

PVT. 'PROFESSOR'
HATCHETT

Played by Charles Hawtrey
3 surviving episodes (1957)
in... The New Officer
(S1E6)

PVT. 'CUPCAKE'
COOK

Played by Norman Rossington
3 surviving episodes (1957)
in... W.R.A.A.C.S.
(S2E2)

CPL.
SPRINGER

Played by Michael Medwin
1 surviving episode (1957)
in... The Mad Bull
(S1E1)

CSM CLAUDE
SNUDGE

Played by Bill Fraser
38 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Snudge's Budgie
(S4E4)

CAPT. TIMOTHY R.
POCKET

Played by Frank Williams
37 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Miracle in Hut 29
(S4E8)

CSM PERCY
BULLIMORE

Played by William Hartnell
12 surviving episodes (1957-1960)
in... The Mad Bull
(S1E1)

MAJ.
UPSHOT-BAGLEY

Played by Geoffrey Sumner
11 surviving episodes (1957-1960)
in... The Mad Bull
(S1E1)

MRS. EDITH
SNUDGE

Played by Marjorie Rhodes
5 surviving episodes (1959-1960)
in... Snudge's Budgie
(S4E4)