Alan Bennett: Talking Heads

Years: 1988/1998
Broadcaster: BBC
Written by: Alan Bennett
Stars: Thora Hird, Patricia Routledge
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 9.000

BEST EPISODES:
Waiting for the Telegram (1998),
A Cream Cracker Under the Settee (1988)

TALKING
HEADS

(1988)
6 episodes
Series Score: 49
Episode Average: 8.17
Perfect 10's: 3

S1E1

A CHIP IN THE SUGAR

Originally broadcast: 19 April 1988
Directed by: Stuart Burge
Written by: Alan Bennett

ALAN BENNETT

Middle-aged Graham tells of how his mother was reunited with an old flame, a growing relationship sees him being pushed out of her life, and talk of marriage comes with news that he'll need somewhere else to live.

"That's all she can knit, actually, tea cosies and bedsocks. Both outmoded articles. I said to her, 'Branch out. I mean, if you can knit tea cosies, you can do skiing hats.' She said, 'Well, I will.' Only I have to stand over her or she still leaves a hole for the spout."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E2

A LADY OF LETTERS

Originally broadcast: 26 April 1988
Directed by: Stuart Burge, Giles Foster
Written by: Alan Bennett

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE

Miss Ruddock tells of her campaign to fix the world by writing letters, concerns grow about the well-being of a kiddie across the road, and an attempt to alert the doctor brings something else to complain about.

"After I'd dusted round and done my job, I had a walk on to the end and bought a little packet of pork sausage and some Basildon Bond. Big black hair in the sausage. So I wrote off to the makers, enclosing the hair. Stuck it under a bit of sellotape. Little arrow: 'This is the hair.' I emphasised I didn't want a substitute packet because it was clearly manufactured under unhygienic conditions, so would they kindly send me a refund of the purchase price and the cost of the postage? I don't want inundating with sausage."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E3

BED AMONG THE LENTILS

Originally broadcast: 3 May 1988
Directed by: Alan Bennett, Stuart Burge
Written by: Alan Bennett

MAGGIE SMITH

Susan tells of her struggle with being the wife of an ambitious vicar, issues with the local shop means she has to travel further afield, and a disagreement with a "fan club" flower arranger ends with an accident.

"He said, 'Have you seen it?' I said, 'What?' He said, 'The wine. The communion wine. It's gone.' It's on the tip of my tongue to say that if Jesus is all he's cracked up to be, why doesn't he use tap water and put it to the test? When I suddenly remember Mr. Bland keeps a bottle of cough mixture in his cupboard, in case any of the choirboys get chesty. The thought of celebrating the Lord's Supper in Benylin gives Geoffrey a complete nervous breakdown."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E4

SOLDIERING ON

Originally broadcast: 10 May 1988
Directed by: Stuart Burge, Tristram Powell
Written by: Alan Bennett

STEPHANIE COLE

Muriel describes the food and the people at her husband's funeral, her daughter is given medication after failing to understand the situation, and her son makes it his job to sort out all of the financial paperwork.

"Well, I dropped into the Health Centre and the receptionist said there had been a pamphlet on death, they'd kept it on the counter, only the tots kept taking them to scribble on, so they hadn't reordered. However, she's skimmed through it and the gist of it was not to take any big decisions and to throw yourself into something. I said, 'You don't mean the canal?'"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

HER BIG CHANCE

Originally broadcast: 17 May 1988
Directed by: Stuart Burge, Giles Foster
Written by: Alan Bennett

JULIE WALTERS

An aspiring actress tells of her time working as an extra on Crossroads, accepting an invite to a party brings a chance to appear in a film, and not being shy at the interview pays off when the chosen one falls pregnant.

"I said, 'It's a relief to find someone civil.' He said, 'It's the usual story, Lesley - art comes in the door, manners go out of the window.' 'Why was making a film like being a mushroom.' I said, 'Why, Terry?' He said, 'Because they keep you in the dark and every now and again someone comes in and throws a bucket of shit over you.'"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

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S1E6

A CREAM CRACKER UNDER THE SETTEE

Originally broadcast: 24 May 1988
Directed by: Stuart Burge
Written by: Alan Bennett

THORA HIRD

Doris tells of her annoyances with a less than satisfactory home helper, an attempt to do some cleaning of her own results in a nasty fall, and numbness grows in her leg as she sits and waits for somebody to help.

"They weren't bona fide callers. They had a Bible... I didn't go. Only they opened the letterbox and started shouting about Jesus. 'Good news!' they kept shouting. 'Good news!' They left the gate open, never mind 'Good news'. They ought to get their priorities right. They want learning that in their instructional course. Shouting about Jesus and leaving gates open! It's hypocrisy, is that. Well, it is in my book, anyway. Love God and close all gates."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

TALKING
HEADS 2

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 59
Episode Average: 9.83
Perfect 10's: 5

S2E1

MISS FOZZARD FINDS HER FEET

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1998
Directed by: Patrick Garland
Written by: Alan Bennett

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE

Miss Fozzard has to choose a new chiropodist when hers moves away, bringing in help for her brother after a stroke allows her to return to work, and telling a colleague about unusual back relief raises a giggle.

"As Mr. Clarkson-Hall says, 'Miss Fozzard, it doesn't matter what you say as long as it's language. Language is balls coming at you from every angle.' And it's working. I'd got him into bed and was just closing the door when I heard him say his first word. I think it was... cow. When I rang Mr. Clarkson-Hall to tell hum, he said, 'Why cow?' I said, 'Oh, it's probably an advert on TV.'"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E2

THE HAND OF GOD

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1998
Directed by: Stuart Burge
Written by: Alan Bennett

EILEEN ATKINS

Celia blames the television for turning everybody into antiques experts, a visit to the home of an ailing pensioner reveals a treasure trove, and the arrival of a distant relative leaves her with a single box of bric-a-brac.

"Oh... there's old Miss Ventriss seeing what there is. Took two Crown Derby plates off her once, just as a favour, one of them chipped. Hm. She's looking a bit poorly. Well, she's going on. Lovely cameo brooch."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E3

PLAYING SANDWICHES

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1998
Directed by: Udayan Prasad
Written by: Alan Bennett

DAVID HAIG

Wilfred talks about his duties working as a maintenance man in a park, questions are asked when his records prove difficult to track down, and a decision to clean the bandstand leads to a chat with a single mother.

"I thought I'd help wash up, only no sooner were all the women in the kitchen than Janet has to embark on the saga of her womb. How we could have had children, only the angle of it was all wrong. Yvonne chips in, 'It's not your angle, love, it's his that matters.' There's a lot of smutty laughter so I go and sit on the back step."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E4

THE OUTSIDE DOG

Originally broadcast: 27 October 1998
Directed by: Gavin Millar
Written by: Alan Bennett

JULIE WALTERS

Marjorie tells of how her husband's dog annoys her and her neighbours, the police conduct a door-to-door investigation into a series of murders, and criminal charges see the house targeted by reporters and vigilantes.

"Tina, of course, is going mad. They've got a dog of their own, which doesn't help. I said, 'You're not fetching that thing in here.' He said, 'We've got a warrant.' I said, 'His dog's never been in, I don't see why your dog should.' He said, 'This is an instrument of law enforcement.' I said, 'Yes, and it's an instrument of urinating against lamp posts and leaving parcels on pavements! I don't want it sniffing round my stuff!'"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

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S2E5

NIGHTS IN THE GARDENS OF SPAIN

Originally broadcast: 3 November 1998
Directed by: Tristram Powell
Written by: Alan Bennett

PENELOPE WILTON

Rosemary tells of a neighbour asking for help after killing her husband, attending the trial reveals the truth about their abusive marriage, and taking care of the woman's garden leads to an unexpected friendship.

"When I asked him what he thought had happened, he said, 'Well, it's marriage, isn't it? The stresses and strains of. Though normally we don't expect if with oldish people. They've generally got it out of their system by then. And it's a bit early in the day. People seem to like to get breakfast out of the way before the shooting starts.'"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E6

WAITING FOR THE TELEGRAM

Originally broadcast: 11 November 1998
Directed by: Stuart Burge
Written by: Alan Bennett

THORA HIRD

Violet explains how she came to see a gentleman's what-do-you-call-it, a stroke makes it difficult to remember the words for certain things, and a special male nurse encourages her to talk about someone from the past.

"I saw my legs today. I didn't own them. They didn't look like my legs at all. That Devin was giving me a bath. I said, 'Them's never my legs!' She said, 'Whose legs do you think they are?' I said, 'Well, you never know in this place! I've had somebody else's teeth before now!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10