Nostalgia Critic's closing thoughts

I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise! I mean, it's remarkable. It is absolutely remarkable! Even the closing credits are hurting me! Everything about this movie is just plain HORRENDOUS!

As sequels go, this isn’t one of the worst - especially considering how they did have much to go from in the first place - but it’s just pointless. The animation is standard and at times, pretty sloppy, the story doesn’t really tell us any more about Ferngully or the characters. It’s just sort of a road trip movie, and even that’s not entertaining. I like the idea of the fairies getting distracted by the attractions of the human world, but it’s not fleshed out enough, and that sort of makes the characters look shallow. On the whole, it’s not god-awful; it’s all just sort of blasé and forgettable.

Quest for Camelot. A medieval times restaurant has more dignity than this piece of sh*t! The characters are rip offs, the story has no connection to the Arthur legend, and oh, yeah: there's a bajillion things that are never explained!

This is an absolute ass of sh*t, I mean, this is bad. This is really really... bad! The acting's over-the-top, the camera work's a joke, the story's beyond idiotic. It's just bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Folks, what can I say? Well, how about this: IT’S AWFUL! INCREDIBLY, CREDIBLY AWFUL! I mean, it starts off bad - “Bad sequel” bad - and then it just spirals into a world of absolute insanity. The choices they made to go with this story are just mind-boggling, I still can’t comprehend it! The only thing that’s remotely entertaining about this film is Eric Idle doing the voice of Martin, but even then, that’s because he’s just so batsh*t insane, that it’s sort of hard not to laugh at it. There’s still the fact that Martin’s the bad guy, there’s still the fact that they built up this kid who’s literally done nothing, there’s the fact of that stupid self-fulfilling prophecy, there’s the fact that Mrs. Brisby’s barely in it or the rest of the family for that matter! It’s just…(sputters in rage)…IT’S SO TERRIBLE! And I’m not gonna stand for it!

What world created this? Aside from making no sense....AT ALL, the animation's choppy, the characters are forgettable, the songs are crap. It's just a stupid, stupid, STUPID movie, with virtually nothing redeemable about it whatsoever.

This movie is a miracle! I’ve never seen a performance so consistently bad or writing so hypnotisingly lame. But to be honest, I know you’re gonna think I’m a little crazy, it’s really worth checking out. It truly is one of those movies you need to see to believe. Nobody could make a movie this interestingly bad. It had to be the warped mindset of some weirdo whose international origins remain a mystery. So, if you’re really up for some absolutely horrible, yet surprisingly entertaining sh*t, this movie is for you.

So, that's the Care Bears Movie. How does it hold up? Well, yeah it's stupid. But to be fair, it's for little kids. It's hard to beat up on something that's intended for children. It's not good, but there's not anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. So, if you're ages 1 to...I don't know, 1, then you'll probably enjoy this movie.

So that's Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation, and...I can't believe I'm saying this but...IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL! And of course, the first film is bad, but it did have a three act structure and some understanding of character. This movie's just a mess and a bore. Outside of maybe the kid characters, no one in this movie is given enough screentime to build any character development. I mean, even very basic development. The story's all over the map, that is when it's not just rehashing the first movie again, and of course there's a million confusing plotholes about the basic origins of these guys. It's just a lame, lame movie.

THIS MOVIE SUCKS! They all do! But this one in particular is just so forgettable. The story is fluff, the characters are fluff. The only thing that's kinda neat is when you see something creatively weird in Wonderland, but even then it's very rare and is usually placed very safe and conservative. So there's not much to look at. While the second one was probably worse, I have to admit that one at least had Daaaaaarrrkkkheaaaarrrtttt, who is much more memorable than anything else in this flick!

What a miserable piece of cinema. There’s no moral or lesson, it’s not fun, the images are probably too scary for most kids, it’s not visually pleasing, it’s not that creative, there’s a ton of unexplained story issues, and it’s surprisingly mean-spirited! The pranks just seem cruel, the father just seems cruel, the monsters just seem cruel. I don’t mind cruelty in a film if it’s amounting to something, but this literally amounts to nothing! It’s just sh*t.

You ever have that friend that had that awesome game system when you were a kid, and you spent all your time at his house playing it, but then — when you really think about it — you don’t even know the kid’s name? That’s this movie. The animation’s really incredible, and it allows for some really creative visuals, but everything else is just so bland and forgettable! The characters are as interesting as toast, the story’s a mess, and a lot of times, the colors are very stale and dark, not allowing for a lot to look at. It had a lot of behind-the-scenes problems, and it really shows. While it can be creative, and like I said, have great animation, it is nevertheless WAY, way, way too flawed. I hate that the film took so long to make it that there were so many problems, because that just makes the final product all the more tragic when it doesn’t work.

Cinema Snob: I mean do we really have to go into great detail why this movie is bad? The plot’s ridiculous, the characters are morons, and... it’s a f*cking leprechaun!
NC: I don’t know why they thought a little green man would be frightening, but he’s not. He’s simply not. The whole plot for this movie sounds like a Will Ferrell scenario. Nothing about it sounds like a legit horror movie. It’s just magically despicable!

But who the hell cares? Tank Girl was very appropriately named, as it appropriately tanked at the box office. And why shouldn't it? It’s horrible! It’s long, it’s annoying, it’s just a pain to sit through from beginning to end.

Not only are the special effects terrible even if you do have the 3-D glasses, but the story is just ludicrous and the characters are so boring that there's literally nothing that can save it. Even if it was in 3-D.

This is not only stupid, but it’s mostly kind of a bore. The setup is crazy, the characters are not interesting, and it mostly feels padded out. The shark is not as fake as the third film, but it’s still pretty fake. And, for a film called “The Revenge”, it’s a pretty lame revenge! Trust me when I say it’s safe to go back in the water because anything is better than sitting in your living room and watching this piece of sh*t!

I guess I can see how some people can be scared by it, but it’s really dated and really pretty corny. If you watch it again, I think you’ll find it doesn’t hold up as well as you may think it does. It’s pretty over-the-top and pretty goofy. But hey, what do you expect from the director of The Langoliers? I mean, let’s face it; the only people he’d be scaring by this is the little girl.

I literally feel nothing coming out of this. If it focused on him getting older or even dying or hell, how about just getting the details about the actual age right, then maybe something, but as is? There’s a lot of other movies that do the “little kid in the big body” thing better, like Big, Vice Versa, or Freaky Friday. Which one? EITHER OF THEM! They’re both better than this emotionally lacking experience. I mean, okay, sometimes it’s a little gentle, and sometimes it can have a nice scene, but it’s very rare. And honestly, Jack is not really much of a defined character, and a lot of that is because they spend more time on pointless scenes and obvious humor.

That's The Pebble and The Penguin. So did any of it work? Well...how do I put this... Out of all the bad Don Bluth movies, this one is probably the least bad. It almost works. The voice acting's not bad and while the animation can be sloppy, it's still Don Bluth animation, which is always impressive. It just gets lost in the generic story and those few really weird turns that either work to Bluth's advantage or don't, and in this case, they don't. It's not really a film I'd recommend for kids, as there are much better films to show them, but as is, it's not terrible. And if a kid really wanted to see it, I guess there'd be no harm.

So that's Judge Dredd. Is it really as bad as people make it out to be? Yee....ah. But that's part of the fun! It partakes in every over the top action cliché, which actually does make it very entertaining to sit through. Not that it makes it good, but it does make a little bit of fun. It's a guilty pleasure to say the least. Or, maybe the most. I don't know.

While it has some neat ideas, the execution of this film is really goofy. For an Exorcist sequel, it’s pretty piss-poor, especially when you take into account it’s never scary! Oh, I don’t mean, like, they try to scare you and it fails. I mean, literally, they never even made an effort! There’s no jump scares or scary imagery or anything like that. It’s really weird that way! While it’s nowhere close to one of the worst sequels I’ve ever seen, it’s still pretty bad. It should be brought out if you have a locust fetish or enjoy torturing your retinas. Hey, I know that .0001% is out there somewhere, and I think he directed this f*cker!

If you’re gonna do really hard-core risqué stuff, you better do it right. And have a good reason for it. I never got that from this flick. Rather than really try to understand somebody’s mind or their psychology, it seems like they just want to fool us with crazy visuals that the film is saying more than it really is. Now, with that said, the visuals can be rather impressive at times, and the idea of going into a serial killer’s mind, I have to admit, is pretty cool. But it has to be done, in this case, with more thought and less instinct. At least someone like David Lynch or Ingmar Bergman who make very confusing films at least give us a pure descent. It is 100% psychological and emotional interpretation. This film either has too much story or too much artiness that it never balances out, and it just becomes obnoxious, pretentious and annoying.

You ever get stoned or drunk with a bunch of friends and you were the first one to start sobering up and you realize how stupid everyone was acting? That's this movie. I mean it, I didn't even show you half of the pandering or the pointless filler this movie had. It has no atmosphere, the characters are annoying, the lessons are tagged on, and it just makes no sense. It's junk food, brightly colored junk food for the mind. And I personally hate how it talks down to kids while offering virtually nothing in return. I mean, I don't mind mindless entertainment for kids, but it has to at least be entertainment. This is the kind of movie that thinks that children will watch anything, and it really pisses me off.

So that was Doug's 1st Movie. Aren't you so glad they brought that to the big screen? I mean, what was even the purpose? Nothing about it screamed cinema, so why did they even make it? I should probably guess that it suffers from the same problem that the show suffers from: IT'S BLAND AND BORING! I hate this movie! I hate this show! I hate everything having to do with it!!

There it is, Free Willy. What’s my take? Well, I can’t say it’s a terrible movie, but it’s not really that good. There’s very few little surprises in it, because we’ve seen this story a hundred times! We just haven’t seen it with a whale yet. But aside from that, it hits every note we’ve seen in every other movie with a kid and his pet! There’s really nothing different to it. So, why was this movie such a big hit? Because Michael Jackson did the song for it! That’s right, that’s the only reason I think this movie made money. He was still, like, one of the biggest things in the world at the time, so if he said, “Tee-hee! Watch this whale!”, people are gonna watch that f*cking whale!

So that’s Alaska, and boy, is it a real piece of work. The plot is outlandish, the kids would have been bear chow in seconds, the gun-toying maniac plays the gun-toying maniac, but worst of all, it’s the lack of any interesting interaction that really sinks it. Maybe if it was just about a family in Alaska dealing with the loss of their mother while traveling in the mountains, that would have been fine. That actually would have been interesting if it was done right. But they make no attempts to have these people talk to each other like they’re family at all. The brother and sister almost never speak, the mean-spirited boy is just way too rotten, the father is forgettably bland, and they never take the time to show how what they’re going through is affecting them. It’s just set up for standard boring action scenes. Yeah, Alaska looks nice, but it’s not worth sitting through this rotten story to see it.

So that’s Congo. It sucks. Do you need more? The special effects are just so silly, the poor, poor storyline is laughable. The only good things in it are Bruce Campbell, Ernie Hudson and that ape-zapper thing here.

"Desperate" is the perfect word to describe this movie. It throws every bottom-of-the-barrel joke, every over-used sound effect, every tired slapstick routine, and every over-the-top reaction in the sad hopes of getting a laugh... and not one of them works; not ONE! It’s edited horribly, it’s acted horribly, it has little to do with the show, and the stuff that it does have to do with the show, it’s a complete slap in the face. It’s just crap; total, total CRAP!

Jack Frost is jack-shit! The premise is stupid, the premise is stupid and - did I mention the little fact that the PREMISE IS F*CKING STUPID!!! But I will give this credit to the movie. It is, infact, a very nice looking film. It's got nice winter colours, good cinematography. Aside from the story, plot, characters, writing and all around horrible directing, it's not half bad.

I don’t even know what to say about it. I literally can’t even comprehend the premise, it’s that bad. It’s sort of beyond belief. It’s like what Jack Nicholson would see in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest after he got lobotomized.
R.P. McMurphy: I see Whoopi Goldberg and a T. Rex solving crimes.
Chief Bromden: Yes, you need to die now.

So that was Cool as Ice, and it is... bad as sh*t. I mean, do I even have to explain why this movie’s bad? The plot is just an excuse to make Vanilla Ice look good, and because the plot fails so horribly, so does the task of making him look good! He’s not that great an actor, he’s not that great a rapper, and when the hell is someone gonna just run a lawnmower through his hair already?

So that was Gordy, or as I like to call it, Pig in the Sh*tty. To be fair, the movie doesn't seem to rip off Babe too much, no more than any other story about a farm pig who becomes famous. I swear, it should be its own genre! It's just a stupidly told story that makes no sense. The pig doesn't talk much, and when he does it looks like he's having a heart attack. You never see him with his family, so there's no concern about finding them, and a lot of the scenes are just straight up awkward.

In fact, everything about this movie is half-assed! The story isn't interesting, the message is taken way too literally, and of course, the logic makes no sense! Why would a kid who can wish for anything wish for nothing? He has the powers of a god, and what does he f*cking wish for? A goddamn spray can!

People, this movie is disgusting. If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with your patients, fine. If you want to talk about new forms of practicing medicine and treating people, fine. But, DO IT AS A F*CKING ADULT! Not this childish, poorly written, non-factual bullsh*t! You know what you do? You know what? Don't watch the fictional, bad Patch Adams! Watch the real, factual Patch Adams. I've looked him up. His work is fascinating, and it goes beyond simply jumping around like a jackass. He's a professional, he takes his patients seriously, he works with each one individually, every experience is different, and he WORKS HARD. And, wouldn't you know it, he didn't like this movie very much. He said it portrayed him as just a clown instead of a hard working doctor who DID practice medicine with a license, did NOT steal from a hospital, and had a MALE best friend who sadly lost his life and was not just a cheap romantic foil!

Can you guess the secret word for the day is? “Boring”! I mean, it’s bad when I’m actually praying for it to be insensitive and insulting! At least maybe we can get some form of humor across! I mean, OK, I guess the actors are alright, and Arnold doesn’t come across actually as that bad in this, but that’s part of the problem! We want him to be bad in this! Of all the movies we want him to be over-the-top and goofy in, this is the one! It’s almost like the movie was written for a real pregnant woman, and then at the last minute, they decided to throw Arnold in! Weird casting change, but there it is! Do you wanna know what the ironic thing is? Director Ivan Reitman’s son would go on to direct a really good pregnant comedy called Juno!

What a horrifying film. My diagnosis? Stay away from Drop Dead Fred for as long as you can! It’s an ugly hate-filled movie that doesn’t know what message they’re trying to get across, who they’re trying to get it across to, and what’s the best way to deliver it. The psychological ramifications are just disturbing! It’s trying to be like Alice in Wonderland but it’s more like Wonderland in Alice. It’s just creepy!

And that was... a terrible movie. You know those crappy after school specials that want to talk to you about drugs but clearly have no idea what they're talking about? That's sort of like Michael Bay and history. If you wanna tell a horrible love story, fine, but leave our dead soldiers out of it. Because in the end, it doesn't work as good fiction, and it doesn't work as good history. And honestly, it's just strange that Michael Bay would even try it. I mean clearly his niche is box office crap, not historical drama.

Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap!

And that's the remake of The Haunting. (quivers in rage and raises his arms in the air; calms down) ...I don't particularly care for it. It's one of the worst remakes of all time, if not THE worst. I mean when you get down to it, what's The Haunting really about?
Eleanor: It's about family!
NC: NO IT'S NOT! (instantly calming down) No, it's not. It's about being scared, and I hate to break it to you, folks, but redemption isn't scary. The original is scary. There's no cartoon ghosts, dumbass subplots, or Disney-style good versus evil scenarios. It's just a ghost story, and a brilliant one at that. But, hell, let's remove that for a second and just look at this film on its own. It's still crap. The effects are laughable, the story is childish, and even its means of building suspense are totally backwards and nonsensical. It only gets worse every time I see it, it hurts me inside, I hope it burns in hell like black bloated Beethoven bitch bucket at the end!
Eleanor: It's about family!
NC:(VO) Oh shut up, you idiot!

Gah, this movie doesn’t make me want to read! It makes me want to hurt people! The only way I can see this movie making any kid want to read is threatening them to play it again if they don’t! I mean, the idea is nice and at times the animation is impressive, but the movie is just so uninteresting and boringly dull that…I think it would actually scare kids away from reading than it would encourage them. And the way it glosses over all those famous literary characters, it’s like the movie is as anxious to see itself end as we are to see it end!

So that was... AWFUL!!! What else can you really say about it? The dubbing sounds like it was done in one go, the history is BEYOND insulting, the characters are horsesh*t, even the animation is inconsistent. Sometimes it almost looks like something from Disney, but then other times it looks like a half-assed Saturday morning cartoon. And of course, IT NEVER F*CKING SHUTS UP!

What a stupid movie! You'd think something like Arnold Schwarzenegger vs the Devil would be something cool, but it's not! It's unbelievably lame! The action's not good, it's not scary, there's like a ba-jillion plot holes and it's just not that entertaining.

I'm sorry, but this movie's horrible! I never got why so many people liked it! It's overly dramatic, annoyingly slow, has a real ego when it comes to it's own style, and of course, any sense of logic is totally ignored! There's millions of other twists you could have done to this movie! Like how about the aliens were trying to help people, like bring them a cure or something? Or maybe there were no aliens, maybe it was all an elaborate hoax! That would have been unexpected! Or, hell, maybe none of this was going on and Gibson and Phoenix were just goddamn nuts! Hell, maybe the TV was never on! I don't know, just ANYTHING is better than...
Ray: I don't think they like water.
And it turns out they don't like water! HELL, YOU JUST SAID YOUR TWIST IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT MAKES IT A TWIST!!!!

Well, I can tell you that I know something for sure! THIS MOVIE IS A COCK-SALAD! I feel bad cause I know the actors are trying. Hell, the kid is actually even pretty good in it. But I'm sorry, no amount of acting skill can save something this horribly put together. It knows what it wants to say, but has no idea how to say it correctly. It's a bad vegetable that should be turned into better produce! And hey, everybody should get a practice kid before they get a real kid to try out on. Well, maybe not everyone. (pointing to Jim and Cindy) Just these sick, selfish idiots!

But who cares? The movie is over. And... by God, wasn’t that a lot of fun? How can anyone not enjoy this film? Its stupidity is at a spectacular level. I’ve never played Dungeons and Dragons, so I have no idea if it followed it well, but just as a film itself, it’s an unbelievable experience. Bad films of this magnitude don’t come around enough, and when they do, we have to enjoy them. So, if you want a good laugh, rent it today, and see what you’ve been missing out. You won’t regret it.