British Comedy: Nearest and Dearest

Years: 1968-1973
Broadcaster: ITV (Granada)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Roy Bottomley, Tom Brennand,
John Stevenson, Harry Driver, Vince Powell,
Rex Arundel, George Layton, Jonathan Lynn
Lew Schwarz
Stars: Hylda Baker, Jimmy Jewel
Episodes: 45
Episode Average: 7.644

BEST EPISODES:
The Ghost of Picklers Past (1969), Breach of the Peace (1969)

SERIES ONE

(1968)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

IT COMES TO US ALL

Originally broadcast: 15 August 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Vince Powell, Harry Driver

Old Joshua Pledge is dying, Eli returns home after fifteen years away, and conditions are placed on the main inheritance.

"I said, he's going, Walter. Oh, he says he's been going for fifteen years, he should be there by now."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

LEAD ME TO THE ALTAR

Originally broadcast: 22 August 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Vince Powell, Harry Driver

Eli's latest bit of stuff is shown the door, Ernest wants to take Nellie back to Africa as his wife, and things seem clearer after a night on the black and tan.

"Sorry, Bertha, my mind were on other things. Here's to them, and many of them."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

THE DANGER LIST

Originally broadcast: 29 August 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Vince Powell, Harry Driver

Eli feigns illness, Nellie catches him out of his bed, and there are visits from the vicar, the doctor and the coffin box maker.

"Well, if it's where you've got your hand, it's not grumbling... it's bloody rambling!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

TAKE A LETTER

Originally broadcast: 5 September 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli advertises for a secretary, Nellie doesn't approve of Nemone, and there's war at the notice board.

"Squiggly lines? Squiggly lines? Shorthand! Short-arse!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG

Originally broadcast: 12 September 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Nellie can't work out why the young girls keep quitting, Stan shows Eli a shed filled with vintage pickles, and money starts changing hands in the pub.

"You'll be rigor mortified!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SHEETS

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1982
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Vince Powell, Harry Driver

Nellie and Eli visit the family grave, there's someone banging around in the attic, and an old letter is cause goves for concern.

"Horse manure?... Why are you thinking of putting it behind your ears to fertilise your brain?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1969)
5 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 8.4
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

BREACH OF THE PEACE

Originally broadcast: 8 July 1969
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie gets caught shoplifting, the solicitor shifts the blame to Eli, and there's chaos in court.

"What do you mean? I've got to stand up in that court, stood standing there telling everybody I've gone menthol?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

WISH YOU WERE HERE

Originally broadcast: 15 July 1969
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Nellie and Eli head to Blackpool for Wakes Week, Lily and Walter are on their second honeymoon, and Bert and Stan get kicked out of their lodgings.

"Ah, no, you don't understand. You see, we're not man and his wife, you see? We're man and his sister, you see? His father was my father. My father was his father. And so was my mother... too."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE DANGER LIST

Originally broadcast: 22 July 1969
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie wants to join the Colne Business Women's Club, Eli promises to give up drinking after causing a scene, and the local landlord knocks up a special brew.

"Nellie, don't take me balloons off me... I'll fall down!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

ALL YOU WISH YOURSELF

Originally broadcast: 29 July 1969
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Nellie gets breakfast in bed, Eli buys a new car, and a strip club provides an unwelcome birthday treat.

"Yes, I'll have a couple of those... with chocolate sauce on."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

NOW IS THE HOUR

Originally broadcast: 5 August 1968
Directed by: June Howson
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

The delivery horse is sick, the Lord Mayor's asked to present Stan with a gold watch, and there's a surprise delivery.

"I can't go in there, that's one of those Communist changing rooms. I can't be stood standing there, you know, in my liberty bodice in front of all those girls. You should have
some private receptacles, you know. Girl there, she's got nothing on! Nothing at all! Not even a brasserie!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1969)
7 episodes
Series Score: 58
Episode Average: 8.29
Perfect 10's: 2

S3E1

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Eli goes to the doctors with a cough, Nellie gets referred to the 'pieciatrist', and Walter goes missing in the hospital.

"Get your clothes off, he's a doctor, he won't laugh."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

A young relative comes to stay, a party turns into a teen orgy, and a visit to an art gallery proves somewhat inappropriate.

"And you're going to look after the music. Now what would you like? Would you like...'Golden Days' or 'The Bum of the Flightlebee'? I mean the flightle... the fl... flap...oh just put it on"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

GET UP THE STAIRS

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Lily and Walter discover they're not legally married, Nellie asks a man of the cloth for a service, and Eli learns a little about getting cold feet.

"All these years you thought you were his wife, but you were only his porcupine."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli installs a new toilet in the factory, the workers threaten to go on strike, and Stan gets a promotion.

"Our final word is we'll give you 24 hours to consider your position on that toilet."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Eli's planning a dirty weekend with his girlfriend, Nellie needs help with the electrics, and a broken door helps to lower the barriers.

"You soft-headed slaverin' old scrubbin' brush!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

TWO PENNIES TO RUB TOGETHER

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

The bank refuses to give any more credit, the workers all leave to work for Hardcastle's Pickles, and Lily and Walter refuse to help.

"Oh no we are not knackered! We are not knackered, knickered or knockered! Not while my loyal workers give me their loving infections."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

GHOSTS OF PICKLERS PAST

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1969
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Nellie tries to contact her dad during a séance, Stan finds skeletal remains behind a wall, and a face appears at the window.

"aye, I tried the kiss of life, he's a goner."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES FOUR

(1970)
5 episodes
Series Score: 36
Episode Average: 7.2
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

A PRICE ON YOUR HEAD

Originally broadcast: 14 May 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie insures Eli, Eli insures Nellie, and both decide to save money when the salesman tries to sell them another policy.

"No, we're just having a bullfight, and our Nellie was the old cow."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY

Originally broadcast: 21 May 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Eli's got a gift for the lady in his life, Marleen's other fella's caught with his trousers down, and Walter attracts the attention of the law.

"You don't know what you're taking on, you know, with our Eli. He's well known as a woman chaser ,you know, and I can say that without fear of contraception."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

YOU YOU'VE GOT TO GO

Originally broadcast: 28 May 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli spends the night in the boghouse, Nellie moves out, and the dirt piles up.

"Never! Never! As long as I've got blood running through my body! At last I have found the courage to strike a blow for female constipation!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

WHEN LOVES WALKS IN

Originally broadcast: 4 June 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli wants to sell the factory, Nellie becomes Raquel Welch for the night, and Leonard can't find a way to pop the question.

"I'm playing Cupid, stupid!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE

Originally broadcast: 11 June 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

The workers don't turn up, Walter and Lily help out in the factory, and Nellie and Eli go on a hunt for missing dentures.

"They'll take us to court. They'll dam us for sewages."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

The Colour Strike led to episodes 2-8 being filmed in black-and-white.

SERIES FIVE

(1970-1971)
8 episodes
Series Score: 59
Episode Average: 7.38
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME

Originally broadcast: 17 December 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Lily explains that their house has been damaged due to subsidence, Walter's ill with shock, and Nellie and Eli are plotting to be included in his will.

"What are you trying to incinerate? Are you trying to incinerate that I'm inhaling your Walter?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1970
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie plans to have Christmas dinner out, bad weather means that there's a houseful of guests, and there's nowt but gherkins and sardines in the cupboard.

"You knock-kneed knackered old nosebag, I'll do it!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

BAREFACED IN THE PARK

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Walter's accused of being the park prowler, Nellie and Lily go out to clear his name, and Eli and Stan spend the day with a couple of young ladies.

"The thing is, Clara, these young chaps are no good to you. You want somebody more mature, like me. You see, a man's like a bottle of chutney... the older it is...the fruitier is gets!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

A MAN AND WOMAN

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Lily takes a liking to the new coal man, Nellie recruits Stan as a private detective, and Walter surprises Eli.

"Ooh, you do look different. I thought when you came in, you were that Barbara Carthorse."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

BOTTOM'S UP

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

There's a new face behind the bar at the Spread Eagle, the customers soon find somewhere else to drink, and something drastic has to be done to win them back.

"You and your big ideas about making Beryl into a neurotic dancer. It was a good thing the magistrates only bent us over."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

X MARKS THE SPOT

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli past catches up with him in the shape of a new manager, Stan doesn't see something that makes his glasses steam up, and Lily plays nurse to discover the truth.

"What are you doing stretched out, lay lying there, practically prostitute?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

SOMETHING IN THE NIGHT

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Lily and Walter are the victims of a burglary, Nellie hides her treasures, and Stan comes into money.

"Oooh, he's like, er, you mean he's one of those schizophrantics, er, like that Dr. Jelly... and, er... Mr. Tyde."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

LUCKY FOR SOME

Originally broadcast: 25 February 1971
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie and Eli read about a local man winning the football pools, a phone call leads to crossed-lines, and Stan gets promoted to director.

"alf a nicker? It nearly cost me a full pair!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES SIX

(1972)
7 episodes
Series Score: 52
Episode Average: 7.43
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE

Originally broadcast: 1 June 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie's goes on a blind date, Eli has a bath, and a four-way date doesn't quite go to plan.

"They don't grow on tree ya know, these flowers!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

A PLACE IN THE SUN

Originally broadcast: 8 June 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Rex Arundel

Nellie's informed that she's won a holiday, Eli wants to take the money instead, and there are problems at the airport.

"If you don't take your mucky maulers off me, like a Spanish onion...I'll bring tears to your eyes."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES

Originally broadcast: 15 June 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Nellie has a falling out while at the laundrette, Eli gets barred from The Spread Eagle, and a plan's devised to get the beer flowing again.

"Shut your mouth when you're talking to me."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

WORKER'S PLAYTIME

Originally broadcast: 29 June 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: George Layton, Jonathan Lynn

Productivity has to be improved, the workers go out on strike, and Eli puts in a shift in the shed.

"Ee, that shows... a watched clock never boils"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

THE RIGHT SPIRIT

Originally broadcast: 6 July 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Lew Schwarz

Eli gets thrown out, Stan's not best pleased about his new guest, and Lily and Walter make themselves at home.

"Nellie! Nellie! Nellie! It's cold out here, Nellie! I bet she's hanging upside-down in the wardrobe, the daft old bat!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

A QUESTION OF TASTE

Originally broadcast: 13 July 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

It's the annual pickle exhibition at Blackpool, Eli's hope for Miss Pickle defects to the opposition, and Nellie has a new secret ingredient for the piccalilli.

"I'm not common... shut ya gob!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

A PAIR OF BLOOMERS

Originally broadcast: 29 June 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

A music box is stolen, Stan takes Nellie's bloomers for his horse, and Eli's representation in court leaves him more than a little worried.

"That's funny, I'm knickerless as well, I just phoned the bobbies about it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES SEVEN

(1972)
7 episodes
Series Score: 50
Episode Average: 7.14
Perfect 10's: 0

S7E1

CINDERNELLIE

Originally broadcast: 21 December 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Eli invest the workers' Christmas money in a stage production, the cast walk out, and the picklers take to the stage.

"Yes, go and milk the bull, that's a very odd job."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

GOOD TIME GIRL

Originally broadcast: 28 December 1972
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Eli owes money to a man popular with the ladies, Nellie gets an unexpected eyeful, and rumours spread about someone with a special something.

"Oh, Eli, how very considerable of you to being stop staying up waiting for me. I mean...it's quarter-past... ooo, I must get a new little watch for this hand."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

THE FRENCH DISCONNECTION

Originally broadcast: 11 January 1973
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

There's an opportunity to export pickles to France, Nellie learns a bit of French from Stan, and language difficulties lead to an unusual introduction.

"Not today, thank you. Whatever it is, we've already got it. And if we haven't already got it, we don't want it. And even if we wanted it, we can't buy it because we're broke."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

GET OUT OF THAT

Originally broadcast: 18 January 1973
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

Eli's shocked to discover that the holiday's at a health farm, Lily's excited at the prospect of being manhandled, and Stan's called for help.

"I'm talking to the patient, not the diseased!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

Originally broadcast: 24 January 1973
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: John Stevenson

An ex-POW wants to help the factory in return for kindness during the war, the workers go out on strike, and Nellie has her sights set on pastures new.

"Don't be ricidulous!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

THE VISIT

Originally broadcast: 31 January 1973
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

A letter arrives telling of a royal visit, Lily and Walter are keen to part of the big day, and the picklers dress for the occasion.

"Oh, isn't that wonderful, Walter. To think, you just took a seed and put it in the ground, took out your sprinkler, and sprinkled it with it, until it grew. Oh you're clever... You're a proper little Percy Throwup!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

FAR FROM THE MADDING PONG

Originally broadcast: 7 February 1973
Directed by: Bill Podmore
Written by: Tom Brennand, Roy Bottomley

Nellie has her eyes on a secluded cottage, Eli has his eyes on a holiday abroad, and the pong isn't always sweeter on the other side.

"Everything in the advertisement is true. O mean, this furnished cottage is
a genuine anti-Q, and it's very old as well."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

NELLIE PLEDGE

Played by Hylda Baker
45 Episodes
in... The Ghost of Picklers Past (1969)

ELI PLEDGE

Played by Jimmy Jewel
45 Episodes
in... An Open and Shut Case (1970)

STAN HARDMAN

Played by Joe Gladwin
45 Episodes
in... A Price on Your Head (1970)

LILY TATTERSALL

Played by Madge Hindle
44 Episodes
in... A Young Man's Fancy (1970)

WALTER TATTERSALL

Played by Edward Malin
44 Episodes
in... What Seems to Be the Trouble? (1969)

GRENVILLE

Played by Freddie Rayner
44 Episodes
in... The Power Behind the Throne (1969)

BERT TAYLOR

Played by Bert Palmer/Leslie Sarony
9 Episodes
in... It Comes to Us All (1968)

SANDRA

Played by Julie Goodyear
in... It Comes to Us All (1968)

BERTHA COBDEN

Played by Marjie Lawrence
in... Lead Me to the Altar (1968)

NEMONE MOORE

Played by Margaret Nolan
in... Take a Letter (1968)

SANDRA

Played by Sue Gresham
in... Wish You Were Here (1969)

Marlene Fitton

Played by Fanny Carby
in... A Young Man's Fancy (1970)

CEILA

Played by Julie Goodyear
in... When You've Got to Go (1970)

MABEL

Played by Susan Hanson
in... Barefaced in the Park (1971)

SABRINA CLEGG

Played by Carmel Cryan
in... A Question of Taste (1972)