British Comedy: Till Death Us Do Part

Years: 1965-1975
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Johnny Speight
Stars: Warren Mitchell, Anthony Booth
Episodes: 52 (+ pilot)
Episode Average: 6.058*

BEST EPISODES:
Three Day Week (1974), A Woman's Place Is In the Home (1967)

*including pilot and specials, but not 'Up the Polls'.

THIS DVD SET HAS BEEN USED FOR LIST PURPOSES ONLY,
IT ACTUALLY INCLUDES ALL AVAILABLE MATERIAL FOR ALL SEVEN SERIES.

PILOT

(1965)

PILOT

TILL DEATH US DO PART

Originally broadcast: 22 July 1965
Written by: Jimmy Speight

EXTRACT ONLY

SERIES ONE

(1966)
7 episodes
Series Score: 43
Episode Average: 6.14
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

ARGUMENTS, ARGUMENTS

Originally broadcast: 6 June 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

The Labour government are blamed for the state of the England team, Mike laughs off the idea that Wilson made a packet from the election, and Alf gets revenge for comments about his house being a muck-hole.

"Ruin my liver?! Ruin my liver?! What I can afford to drink wouldn't ruin a bleedin' rabbit's liver!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

HAIR RAISING!

Originally broadcast: 13 June 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Rita's sense of fashion comes under attack when she wears a short skirt, Alf's tries out a home remedy after comments about his lack of hair, and Mike grabs the make-up after spotting an opportunity to make mischief.

"What's the matter? What's the matter? That skirt, that's what's the matter! Blimey, you sit down in that, they'll see all your washin'!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

A HOUSE WITH LOVE IN IT

Originally broadcast: 20 June 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf gets into trouble when he forgets his silver wedding anniversary, Mike receives little thanks when his thoughtfulness saves the day, and Else has to find something to wear for a fancy dinner in the West End.

"Oh, my Gawd..! Gordon Bennett, what does she look like?! What do you look like?! Ken Dodd, that's what you look like!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

INTOLERANCE

Originally broadcast: 27 June 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf loses his voice after going to the European Cup Winners' Cup Final, a trip to the Hospital leads to a rant about the National Health Service, and Mike and Rita take issue with a series of racist comments about a doctor.

"Look at yer 'ooter! I mean, that's a right kosher conk you got there, innit, eh?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

TWO TOILETS?... THAT'S POSH!

Originally broadcast: 4 July 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf gets more than a little confused during an argument about Russians, Else gets a mouthful for being in the kitchen during bath time, and Mike argues his case when he's caught trying to put the house on the market.

"Well, of course 'e ain't. I've got nothin' against foreigners, but what I always say is... if you're gonna 'ave foreigners, you've got to 'ave foreign countries for 'em to live in."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

FROM LIVERPOOL WITH LOVE

Originally broadcast: 18 July 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf's annoyed when Mike's parents invite themselves down for a week, talk of going out on strike leads to an argument about the working man, and Rita's shocked to learn about her father-in-law's ability to tell a lie.

"Look, if you are goin' to make animals into a swear word, well it's the pig who ought to be a swear word, innit? Because I mean, 'e's one of the dirtiest animals you can get, ain't 'e? Dirty filthy swine, 'e is. I mean, the cow, she's upper class compared to your pig, ain't she? Proper aristocrat, she is."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

CLAUSTROPHOBIA

Originally broadcast: 1 August 1966
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf drives the family down to Cornwall for a quiet holiday in the country, the lack of almost anything quickly turns thoughts towards Bognor, and a trip to a local pub leads to a heated debate about the House of Lords.

"Oldy-worldy? You been out the back to see the khazi-whazi? Blimey! It's just bucket with a seat on top, innit? I bet that gets a big pongy-wongy in the 'ot weather, an' all!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(1966)

SPECIAL

PEACE AND GOODWILL

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1966
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Standing for the national anthem leads to a row about the monarchy, Wally the Milkman pops round to enquire about his Christmas box, and dealing with a group of carol singers leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

"England, England don't play in red shirts, mate, do they? WHITE. That's their colours, pure white. But no, old Wilson bunged 'em out in red shirts, didn't 'e? 'opin' I suppose, that everyone'd think Labour won the World Cup!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1967)
9 episodes
Series Score: 63
Episode Average: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

Originally broadcast: 2 January 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf has a battle on his hands as he tries to redecorate the living room, Rita's questioned about what she got up to before she was married, and Else's told a thing or two about where Wally gets his cheap stuff from.

"Blimey, it's typical, innit? I mean it's typical of your socialists, all after somethin' for nothin', ain't they? Even their love."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

I CAN GIVE UP ANY TIME I LIKE

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

The Labour government is blamed for there being nothing on the telly, Mike suggests a battle of willpower in a bid to give up smoking, and Alf argues that the Queen would make a better job of running the country.

"You never see 'er Majesty The Queen with a fag stuck in her mouth. Whether she's appearin' on television, or catchin' a train up Sandringham, or anywhere she goes. You never see that woman with a fag on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE BULLDOG BREED

Originally broadcast: 16 January 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Else objects to the idea of her shilling being used to buy Russian bombs, Mike's amused by efforts to locate Vietnam on a map of the world, and Alf isn't happy when a van driver decides to park in front of the window.

"Look, Miss Cleverdick, it's a well-known statistical fact, innit, that your bronchitis is a bigger killer than any of the bombs, but you don't see people walkin' around with a bloomin' great placard saying 'BAN YER BRONCHITIS!', do yer?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

CAVIAR ON THE DOLE

Originally broadcast: 23 January 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Mike defends his right to claim benefits since being made redundant, Alf gets the needle while trying to explain redeployment to Else, and Fred warns checks will be carried out after a National Assistance payment.

"I don't know why I bother to darn these socks of yours. They've got so many 'oles in them, they 'ave. It' be easier to knit a new pair. I don't know why you don't buy yourself some new socks. Look at 'em... I've had to darn whole new foot on this one."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE HOME

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf's furious when he comes home to a cold house and a burnt dinner, comments from Rita about lack of consideration only make things worse, and a series of obstacles get in the way of making a call to the fish shop.

"She do! She do! Now get off the bloody phone!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

A WAPPING MYTHOLOGY

Originally broadcast: 6 February 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf claims that his dad used to go drinking with Edward VIII, Mike tries to buy a ticket for Liverpool v West Ham when two arrive in the post, and Else complains about not being able to go and see her sister in Southend.

"Cheek! If my mother was old 'orse-face, I wouldn't like to think what his mother was. Old pig-face, that's what she was."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH...

Originally broadcast: 13 February 1967
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf struggles to get any sympathy when he complains of stomach pains, a doctor with a bad cough insists that there's nothing wrong with him, and asking for a second opinion from a specialist leads to a stay in hospital.

"Don't worry. You're not goin' yet. Only the good die young."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8

STATE VISIT

Originally broadcast: 20 February 1967
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's not happy about Harold Wilson getting cosy with the Communists, Rita can't help but be amused about a row over two inches of land, and Mike laughs at the idea that the Queen is a descendant of Mohammed.

"Dunkirk. All them little boats there. Never so many 'as... 'ad it, an'... given it back, to... as the whatsit the few. Churchill's words!

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E9

ALF'S DILEMMA

Originally broadcast: 27 February 1967
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

RECONSTRUCTED EPISODE

Reading a Mary Whitehouse book leads to talk about nudity on the telly, a blocked up toilet means an awkward wait at the next-door neighbour's, and Alf blames poor immigration policy for the spread of foreign disease.

"'Boom at the Kop'?! Ah, hah hah! Gawd blimey, they ought to put a bomb under that Liverpool football ground! That's the only boom they need! Gawd Blimey! Load of rubbish. Ian St. John? Gawd blimey, I didn't think 'e'd be able to read, let alone write!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

EASTER SPECIAL

(1967)

SPECIAL

TILL CLOSING TIME US DO PART:
A BANK HOLIDAY KNEES-UP WITH
THE GARNETT FAMILY

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1967
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Alf becomes the butt of the jokes when he spots famous faces in the pub, a pair of tuneless buskers help themselves to a bit of unguarded money, and an attempt to get a free round of drinks falls as flat as the singing.

"She... Bloody seagull you've got on yer 'ead there."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1968)
7 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 6.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

THE PHONE

Originally broadcast: 5 January 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's persuaded to have a phone fitted after missing out on a big win, Rita struggles to hide her laughter when Mike pretends to the operator, and Mrs. Carey struggles to be heard when she makes a call to the hospital.

"You can't put a parcel down the bloody telephone, can you... you silly moo!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

THE BLOOD DONOR

Originally broadcast: 12 January 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf insists that pioneering transplantations go against the will of God, Mike makes a little bet to persuade a reluctant donor to give blood, and queuing in the waiting room leads to concerns about how it will be used.

"Blimey, you can SEE it's thinner, can't you? It's the one they've took all the blood out of. Blimey, that's daft, that is, I reckon, takin' it all out o' one arm. They oughta take a bit out of each."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

MONOPOLY

Originally broadcast: 19 January 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf's accused of being a hypocrite for talking religion despite not going to church, Else's ridiculed for putting a tray of water down for the mice, and thoughts turn to Harold Wilson when Mrs. Carey borrows a cup of sugar.

"I hope he doesn't 'cos I don't fancy having to live with him up there as well."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

THE FUNERAL

Originally broadcast: 26 January 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Mike and Rita protest at the telly being turned off as a mark of respect, the man from the corner shop pops round to moan about unpaid bills, and Alf's criticised for only caring about his neighbour now as she's dead.

"Well, you can't blame 'em, can yer? Not the amount of stuff you leave out for 'em. Gawd blimey, the way you carry on, it's a wonder we haven't got every mouse in the street livin' 'ere. Bloody welfare state for mice, this 'ouse is."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

FOOTBALL

Originally broadcast: 2 February 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf gets grief from a couple of local kids after confiscating their football, Rita explains why she's not yet ready to make Else a grandmother, and Mike laughs when he hears who's taken charge of the local boys' team.

"'I the undersigned do hereby appoint Mr. Alfred Garnett, Esq. complete power and authority...', that's spelt TH, that is, not F."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE DOG

Originally broadcast: 9 February 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

EPISODE LOST - AUDIO ONLY

Alf comes home drunk with a dog that he bought in the pub for a quid, Mike's not too pleased when his best shirt is chewed to shreds, and Else comes over all protective when a three-in-a-bed situation turns nasty.

"Everyone could smell your dad."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

AUNT MAUD

Originally broadcast: 16 February 1968
Written by: Johnny Speight

RECONSTRUCTED EPISODE

Aunt Maud comes to stay when the doctor orders Else to get some rest, Alf ends up with no dinner on the table after hurling one insult too many, and Mike and Rita laugh at the idea that the Bible proves Darwin wrong.

"Well, just 'cos she lives in Southend now, she forgets I used to go to school with her! Gawd blimey, in them days she'd show you her knickers for a bite of your toffee apple."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

FILM

(1969)

FILM

TILL DEATH US DO PART

Originally broadcast: 10 January 1969
Directed by: Norman Cohen
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Alf's reserved occupation prevents him from fighting for his country, Else announces that the doctor has diagnosed a stomach upset as pregnancy, and Rita upsets her dad by deciding to get married in a Catholic church.

"They're all cardboard, they are! All bloody cardboard, ain't they? Oh, blimey, he don't think he's gonna frighten anybody with them, do he? He's probably got blokes inside pedallin' 'em. Never mind about shhh, I'm just sayin' ain't I? I mean, it's yer propaganda, innit? It's yer bloody Gobels. Trying to kid everyone they got an army."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

THIS DVD HAS BEEN USED FOR LIST PURPOSES ONLY.
THIS SPECIAL WAS NOT ACTUALLY PART OF THE SERIES.

ELECTION SPECIAL

(1970)

SPECIAL

UP THE POLLS

Originally broadcast: 18 June 1970
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Arthur Blenkinsopp has words after witnessing racist abuse in the pub, Paddy's laughed at when he tells the story of how he came to England, and Alf argues against dealing with foreigners in the Common Market.

"I am leaving. I'm not paying £2000 to come into this country to be insulted by a bloody... bloody skinhead."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

Arthur Blenkinsopp and Kevin 'Paddy' O'Grady are characters from
Curry & Chips, which was also written by Johnny Speight.

FILM

(1972)

FILM

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA

Originally broadcast: August 1972
Directed by: Bob Kellett
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Alf struggles to adapt to living on the top floor of a council tower block, Rita stays out all night after spotting Mike kissing another woman, and a series of power cuts eventually take their toll on the trouser department.

"Cor blimey, the little bugger's piddled all over me."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

SERIES FOUR

(1972)
6 episodes
Series Score: 37
Episode Average: 6.17
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

TO GARNETT A GRANDSON

Originally broadcast: 13 September 1972
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf complains about having to go out in the rain to see his new grandson, Mike's horrified when the strikes in Liverpool are blamed on the IRA, and Rita upsets her dad by revealing that the baby won't be named after him.

"I remember when I had Rita. It was six days before you come to see 'er. An' I was only upstairs."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

PIGEON FANCIER

Originally broadcast: 20 September 1972
Written by: Johnny Speight

Else notices that baby Michael always knows when his grandad's nearby, remembering a groping incident leaves Gran with a feeling of regret, and Alf thinks he's onto a winner when he bets a windfall on a pigeon race.

"Well, yer Scots, I mean, they got a language. They call it yer Garlic."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1972
Written by: Johnny Speight

Rita argues against the idea that women were created to look after men, Alf's left fuming when he finds that a taxi driver went the long way, and the landlady at the hotel soon regrets pointing to a call bell on the wall.

"Listen, I may be second-class citizen, but on British railway, I am first-class passenger."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

DOCK PILFERING

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1972
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf argues that the Conservatives are responsible for better value rent, Mike gets a bit of a scare after challenging the Lord to strike him down, and a greedy docker shows no sympathy towards his hungry workmate.

"He used to put his fingers up. He used to put 'em up the other way to Hitler!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

UP THE HAMMERS

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1972
Written by: Johnny Speight

Else protests at the idea that her grandson might one day be a sweeper, Mike's accused of only ever being interested in football and politics, and Alf points out how it could have been 'West Ham by Royal Appointment'.

"Well, if you ask me, the only Prince of Wales your dad ever knew was the one stood on the corner of Mary Street."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

ALF'S BROKEN LEG

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1972
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf makes a nuisance of himself after a slip lands him in a wheelchair, Gran talks about all the worst possible things that can happen to a leg, and Mike proposes euthanasia as a way of putting an end to old age.

"Get your bloody leg off! I ain't a footrest, am I?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(1972)

SPECIAL

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1972
Written by: Jimmy Speight

The star of a theatre show is offered a few words of advice in the pub, Else complains about the amount of work involved with Christmas, and Mike's shocked to discover that Alf has forgotten an important present.

"Yeah, people do seem to be smokin' more since the cancer scare. Worry, I s'pose."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

THIS DVD HAS BEEN USED FOR LIST PURPOSES ONLY,
IT ONLY INCLUDES THE EPISODES FROM THE 1974 SERIES.

SERIES FIVE

(1974)
7 episodes
Series Score: 45
Episode Average: 6.43
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

TV LICENCE

Originally broadcast: 2 January 1974
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mike thanks Mary Whitehouse for highlighting the things worth seeing, Else fills her Green Shield Stamps book in order to buy a deckchair, and Alf insists that not watching the BBC will keep the detector van away.

"Look, we might be mongrels 'ere, mate, but we are pure-blooded mongrels, ain't we? English mongrels, we are, mate. English!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

THE ROYAL WEDDING

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1974
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf gets ready for the street party to celebrate Princess Ann's wedding, Mike explains why he's happy that Rita takes after her mother, and Else has some explaining to do about the money set aside for the phone bill.

"You don't say, 'Come on, where's one's dinner?' or 'I'm off up one's pub,'"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

STRIKES AND BLACKOUTS

Originally broadcast: 23 January 1974
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's left stunned when Rita shares her thoughts about the miners' strike, Else's ridiculed for believing that bee stings are a cure for rheumatism, and a television repairman gets the last laugh after hearing a racist rant.

"'Ere, then we could 'ave rabbit stew."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THREE DAY WEEK

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1974
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's furious when the new three day week sees him without any dinner, Else decides that she's going to use the money saved to buy a new coat, and Mike agrees to pop to the takeaway after eating the last of the food.

"I don't care whose bloody cheese it is. I don't want cheese. I ain't a bloody mouse."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

GRAN'S WATCH

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1974
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mike refuses to believe that everything of any importance is in London, Rita laughs at the idea of her dad trying to look like Clark Gable, and Alf decides to move in before the vultures when Gran begins to fade away.

"Oh, come on! I'll take you! You're just what I need for my kitchen. An' if you work 'ard, don't answer back, I might let you sleep in my bed with me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

PARTY NIGHT

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1974
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf refuses to believe that his constant drinking makes him an alcoholic, Gran regrets not charging more for her favours when she was younger, and Else and Rita get a little bit carried away after drinking champagne.

"Yeah, but when you have a glass of port you don't have a bottle of whisky with it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

PAKI-PADDY

Originally broadcast: 28 February 1974
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf worries about house prices when the council buy the place next door, Else points out that buying stolen goods only encourages the tealeaves, and Rita tries to help the miners by wasting more electricity than usual.

"You call me thief. I am honest man. And man who stole those is honest man, too."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(1972)

SPECIAL

OUTBACK BOUND

Originally broadcast: 31 December 1974
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Jimmy Speight

Alf's furious when Else prepares to visit her sick sister in Australia, Rita refuses to accept that her dad has been anything like a good husband,
and Mike tries to explain how planes land on the bottom of the world.

"Florence silly-moo bloody Nightingale up there, she's gotta pack her lamp an' go dashin' off to Australia!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES SIX

(1975)
6 episodes
Series Score: 33
Episode Average: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

PHONE CALL TO ELSE

Originally broadcast: 8 January 1975
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Johnny Speight

Rita asks a neighbour to look after her dad so she can go to the pictures, Min from next door asks Alf to help her with a survey for antiperspirant, and Mike suggests making a long-distance phone call to Else in Australia.

"Do you prefer roll-on do-do-dorants... or, ars... arson... arsol... aer... ol... arosol sprays?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

MARITAL BLISS

Originally broadcast: 15 January 1975
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf reorganises the dinner table after a battle with the pickled onion jar, Min reveals something very personal during an argument with Bert, and Rita objects to the suggestion that a wife is employed by her husband.

"No, but they was before you washed 'em in the bloody pickle jar, weren't they?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

WEDGIE BENN

Originally broadcast: 22 January 1975
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Johnny Speight

Anthony Wedgewood Benn is accused of betraying his Tory beginnings, Alf makes a case for allowing uncivilised societies to eat each other, and Mike's told that his vote should be worth less because he owns nothing.

"Gawd blimey, I mean, people... people forget that, don't they, what bloody Franco was up to during the war. But now, though, now, people go rushing out there to his Majorca an' his Costa bloody packet, don't they?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

THE WAKE

Originally broadcast: 29 January 1975
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Johnny Speight

Bert argues that there's little point in having an army without an empire, Min's delighted when she spots her reincarnated mum on the fence, and Alf tries to avoid the result of the big fight so he can watch it on the telly.

"Uncle Fred. Special ornamental heated tank. I don't know what that's gonna cost. An' if I says anything... well, I get me pigeons thrown up at me, don't I? An' how much I spend on them, an' them not even relations!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

THE LETTER

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1975
Directed by: Colin Strong
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf tries to explain to Bert why he thinks women are no different to dogs, Min drops Rita in it by revealing all about a secretive letter from Else, and Mike manages to make things worse by outlining his plans for the future.

"See, I mean... She was made to be the mother of a king. Not to rule in 'er own right. I mean, Gawd blimey, if... if they could... if... if they could change a woman into a man, I mean, yer government, they would've 'ad 'er change into a man, wouldn't they? Soon as they knew she was next in line for the throne, you see? An' then she would've been... King Elizabeth."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

CHRISTMAS CLUB BOOKS

Originally broadcast: 12 February 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf struggles to make head nor tail of the books for the Christmas Club, the suspicious regulars assign Bert to keep watch on his neighbour, and Mike and Rita want to know why Peter needs to be robbed to pay Paul.

"Any place should be safe for you to go into, dear. Blimey, if you were the only woman in the world, I'd still prefer Mr. Garnett."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES SEVEN

(1975)
6 episodes
Series Score: 24
Episode Average: 4.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S7E1

MOVING IN WITH MIN

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Rita can't help but laugh as her dad tries to play with a train set, Mike insists that the house can't be sold whilst there are sitting tenants, and Alf gets a little more than he bargained for when he moves in next door.

"How d'you think I feel, eh, with 'im running down the street yelling after me, 'Baldy, baldy git'? And 'Four eyes' and 'Kojak'?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

MIN THE HOUSEKEEPER

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Min spends the day watching television instead of doing the housework, Rita's furious when her dad reads a personal letter addressed to her, and Mike manages to find a bit of energy when Alf challenges him to a race.

"Well, that shouldn't worry you, should it? 'Cos you'll be on the boat with all your brainy mates! When does the Exodus of the Eggheads take place, Mr. Garnett?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

DRUNK IN CHARGE OF A BICYCLE

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mike laughs at the suggestion that Gladstone was Jack the Ripper, Min sends Bert out jogging after reading an article in the Daily Express, and Alf gets himself arrested after becoming an obstruction on two wheels.

"You take him, Mr. Garnett - you take him. And bring him back a man."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

THE WINDOW

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

The entertainment at the pub gives as good as he gets from the hecklers, Alf pays the price for trying to save money on the window cleaning, and Mrs. Carey explains how her husband worries about the health service.

"You just watch your mouth. Evil Knievel couldn't jump across your mouth."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

A HOLE IN ONE

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf demonstrates that he can't tell his Dickens from his Shakespeare, Bert provides the Scotch for an afternoon on the local golf course, and Min's forced to drink outside when she's excluded from the clubhouse.

"You should've brought a bucket an' spade."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

UNEMPLOYMENT

Originally broadcast: 17 December 1975
Directed by: Dennis Main-Wilson
Written by: Johnny Speight

A newly jobless Alf fears for his life after coming home to a dark house, Bert decides to give a prankster a taste of his own foul medicine, and Gran reveals her suspicion that Else has been buried in the back yard.

"I can blow my age out. Don't you worry about that."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

Years: 1981
Broadcaster: ITV (ATV)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Johnny Speight
Stars: Warren Mitchell, Dandy Nichols
Episodes: 6
Episode Average: 4.833

BEST EPISODE:
Punks (1981)

TILL DEATH....

(1981)
6 episodes
Series Score:
Episode Average:
Perfect 10's:

S1E1

SHARING WITH MIN

Originally broadcast: 22 May 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Else and Min struggle with the wintery cold after retiring to Eastbourne, an observation about a fishing sign leads to a lecture about angling, and Alf suggests that women shouldn't be watching dirty telly programmes.

"I say, excuse me, sir. There's been a mistake. I mean, we... er... come in the wrong place, you see. Any rate, nice to meet you. We're sorry."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

PUNKS

Originally broadcast: 29 May 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Else accuses Maggie Thatcher of only being any good at unemployment, Min gets a mouthful for suggesting that she opened a letter by mistake, and Alf complains about his grandson being dressed up like a mugger.

"Look, when someone writes a letter, they put the name and the address of the person they want to receive that letter on the envelope, right? Then, they lick it. Then, they seal it down. Then, they put a stamp on it. And on the stamp, there is a photograph of Her Majesty The Queen... looking sideways... so's even she can't see what's in that letter. Because it's bloody private!!!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

HUNG-OVER

Originally broadcast: 5 June 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf makes a nuisance of himself when he returns home from the football, Else explains why she's only bothered to cook breakfast for her and Min, and an electric light bill leads to an argument about paying fair shares.

"No bread? Oh! There's cake. Tomato and cake."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EASTBOURNE

Originally broadcast: 19 June 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Else complains about the never ending job of cleaning mud off the floor, Alf's met by a lack of enthusiasm when he splashes out on a bike, and a sticky accelerator problem makes for a less than thrilling first ride out.

"Dad said every good Nazi should have one."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

THE TV BREAKS DOWN

Originally broadcast: 26 June 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf struggles with boredom after a ten hour stretch without television, Min's suggestion of listening to the radio only makes matters worse, and an unwillingness to play Scrabble leads to a friendly game of pontoon.

"Well, we've got that set on ITV, haven't we? So, we're sitting here missin' Crossroads. But... If I was to switch over the BBC... Now we're only missing Nationwide."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

GIVING UP ALCOHOL

Originally broadcast: 3 July 1981
Directed by: William G. Stewart
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf gets slightly drunk while talking football with a Scouser in the pub, Else and Min accuse Maggie Thatcher of deliberately sabotaging Britain, and liver problems reveal a shameful secret about private healthcare.

"Oooh, it went up like an ironing board."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

Years: 1985-1992
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Johnny Speight
Stars: Warren Mitchell, Carmel McSharry
Episodes: 47
Episode Average: 7.532*

BEST EPISODES:
Series 3, Episode 4 (1987), Series 1, Episode 3 (1985)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(1985)
6 episodes
Series Score: 50*
Episode Average: 8.33
Perfect 10's: 2
*not including special

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 1 September 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf wonders what he's done to deserve having to push Else around in her chair, badly parked cars cause a slow moving vehicle to take to the road, and a long wait up at the hospital leads to criticism of the Health Service.

"Here she comes, Zola Budd."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 8 September 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

Difficulty with the small print leads to an accusation against opticians, Alf's not happy when Else turn off her hearing aid so she can ignore him, and a desperate call of nature means an emergency stop-off in the park.

"Not on my bloody pension, he couldn't."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 15 September 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf warns the neighbours that he's about to have a bonfire in the garden, the milkman defends Else's right to use her welfare for betting purposes, and outrageous behaviour sees three home helpers walk out in disgust.

"Bloody football hooligans! We ought to brand 'em. That's what we ought to do. Brand 'em across the forehead. Brand 'em for life. So we can see 'em, so we can see who they are. Football hooligans! Murderers! Rapists! Brand 'em. Brand 'em all. Unemployed. Unemployable. Then we can see 'em, we can whack 'em and kick 'em and boot 'em, and bloody castrate 'em!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 29 September 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

A bad wig leads to a denial about favourable comparisons to Clark Gable, Alf makes a nuisance of himself when he nips next door to call Rita, and Else learns that her insistence on living has caused a financial burden.

"It's more profitable building houses than it is graves, I mean, houses create wealth. People are always buying and selling and moving in and out. They don't do that with graves. No movement with graves. It's a dead business."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's furious when he's hung up on after half an hour in the phone box, Rita can't help seeing the funny side when she meets the home help, and THAT woman is accused of ruining the Conservatives and the country.

"Couldn't wait to get up to Liverpool, could he, to the security of full unemployment. Cor blimey! Bloody proletarian paradise, up there, innit, eh?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf resorts to fetching the spanners out in a bid to lighten the load, Else protests when her transport is stripped down to the barest of bones, and a desperate appeal for a powered wheelchair achieves nothing at all.

"I've never said the world wasn't round. But I'm pleased that the bit we use is flat."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1985)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1985
Directed by: Roger Race
Written by: Johnny Speight

An invite to the vicar's Christmas party comes as a something of a shock, Alf decides to take his share back from the pensioner's dinner fund, and Rita's disgusted by underhand tactics to stop her returning to Liverpool.

"I didn't say that, Arthur. Don't put words in my mouth, mate. I feel as sorry for them as anyone else does. We wouldn't have to watch them die if it wasn't for your bloody television, would we? Bloody media. I mean, if it wasn't for the BBC, we wouldn't even know about it, would we? I don't know why we pay them the license fee, sometimes. I mean, that's not entertainment, is it? Shouldn't have to watch that while you're eating your dinner, should you?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

SERIES TWO

(1985)
6 episodes
Series Score: 51*
Episode Average: 8.50
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 4 September 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf complains about a hefty reduction in his pension since Else's death, Mr. Rabinsky explains that his eating of ham is a mark of respect, and Rita and Marigold take issue with Mrs. Hollingbery's bigoted opinions.

"When you play God Save the Queen or Land of Hope and Glory on the piano, you have to use the white keys and the darkies!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1985
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's woken up by talk of someone trying to break into the house, Rita's shocked to learn that her dad voted Labour in the council elections, and Mrs. Hollingbery insists that the front door will be bolted at half ten.

"Oh! If my poor husband was alive, he'd turn in his grave."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 18 September 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf has to climb out of the window when he gets locked in his bedroom, Mr. Kittel and the milkman bring up the issue of outstanding debts, and Rita admits to inviting Mrs. Hollingbery along for a celebration drink.

"Look, I don't suppose she wanted to go on Wednesday. I dare say if she had her way, she'd have preferred to wait till Saturday."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 25 September 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Arthur looks forward to the roast dinner he has waiting for him at home, a neighbour calls by with a very tasty offering for Mrs. Hollingbery, and Alf manages to make a nuisance of himself at the local supermarket.

"Christ! That's where he put my cheese. Christ! I'm starving, he's feeding the bloody mice."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 2 October 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Rita gives her dad an idea after picking up an old jacket at a jumble sale, Alf tries to make uses of Else's old wheelchair to watch the football, and a Labour candidate comes knocking after seeing a poster in the window.

"Entitled? Entitled? These are my entitlement, mate! I can't move 'em. I'm crippled. I can't move them legs."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

An old neighbour turns up out of the blue with her batty sister in tow, Rita has to break the bad news about Else when Alf can't get a word in, and a decision has to be made between meat pud and a roast dinner.

"That's a daft place to put toenails, innit? Right on the end of your feet, where you can't reach 'em. Come here!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SPECIAL

(1986)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1986
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf loses his job in a department store after arguing with the customers, Rita announces that she's just won a luxury holiday for two to Spain, and Father Christmas delivers groceries from Mr. Kittel's to the wrong house.

"What are you talking about, imposter? There's no such thing as Father Christmas, you bloody, silly cow!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES THREE

(1987)
6 episodes
Series Score: 44*
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 2
*not including special

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 22 October 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's given a free teasmaid after causing a scene at an electrical store, Marigold asks about the possibility of moving into the spare bedroom, and delight at the news of divorce proves to be extremely short-lived.

"Oh, here, that's Rita's letter, that is. It's hers. It's private to her! You're not supposed to read that. That's why it's got a stamp on it with the Queen looking sideways, so even she can't see what's inside."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 29 October 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery isn't happy about Marigold having a key to the house, Arthur complains about not being able to find pornography on the telly, and Alf agrees that a sex shop deserves a somewhat closer inspection.

"Just my luck, innit? To have a leg that's got to wait for medical knowledge to catch up with it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 5 November 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Rita arranges for a telephone to be fitted for emergency calls only, Mrs. Hollingbery does battle with Alf over ownership of the cordless handset, and a series of range test cause problems for Arthur and Mr. Johnson.

"How do you get your underpants so dirty? Don't tell me. The washing powder hasn't been invented yet to get rid of the stains."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Min and Gwenneth pop in for a visit on the way back from Harley Street, a case of mistaken identity sees Arthur get a soaking at the pub, and the sisters try to make contact with the other side when they hold a séance.

"Of course not. He was much fatter. You know, fatter in the face, longer in the nose, but he was your cut, he was your style exactly, except he was a much bigger man. Though you'd have never known it to look at him."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Arthur remembers how everything was so much better in the old days, a reluctant dancer manages to make a new enemy on the dance floor, and Alf gets stuck on the window ledge while trying to earn a meat pudding.

"I'm not poking you. I'm leaving a gap."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

The next door neighbour can't work out why the hens have stop laying, the DHSS are faced with a complaint about Severe Weather Allowance, and Alf returns home to find everyone watching cricket in his garden.

"I'll tell you something. If I go this winter, I'm going to buy a bloody great stamp, stick it on me forehead and get meself delivered here!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SPECIAL

(1987)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1987
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf prepares to spend Christmas in hospital as he has a hip replacement, Mr. Rabinsky makes the most of visiting hours by stealing patients' food, and a drunk with one thing on his mind gets more than he bargained for.

"Yeah, never mind, Mr. Garnett, it might never happen. The one thing in your favour, if something does go wrong, you won't know nothing about it. You'll be out. You'll be under the old anaesthetic. You'll just wake up dead."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FOUR

(1989)
7 episodes
Series Score: 47*
Episode Average: 6.71
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S4E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 7 September 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf makes a complaint to the council about the quality of his neighbours, Mrs. Hollingbery faces accusations of lying about getting a new flat, and Arthur points out the many benefits of getting a bit closer to 'er upstairs.

"See, your surgeon's mistakes, Arthur, that kills thousands of people in this country every year. But you never hear about their mistakes. And you know for why? Because they bury them, that's why. I mean, why do you think a surgeon wears a mask? So's they can't be identified, that why."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 14 September 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Arthur's horrified to discover the truth about a pawned wedding ring, Mrs. Hollingbery asks for time to think when Alf proposes marriage, and Mr. Johnson explains why beauty shouldn't matter when choosing a wife.

"Here, did you hear that? £50,000? Blimey, I think I'd marry the devil for that. I probably am."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 21 September 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf invites Arthur round for dinner to celebrate his big football pools win, Pele comes up with a cunning plan to buy the house off the council, and Mrs. Hollingbery's excited when her brother writes to her from Australia.

"Victoria and Albert? What good does that do you? I've been there. It's nothing. It's full of rubbish. Rubbish of the past. Old bones. Old books. Bits and pieces of old armour. Old furniture. Old paintings. You go in one of them museums, it's like walking around bloody Oxfam, it is."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 28 September 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Arthur agrees to play gooseberry to keep Alf company while in Australia, Mrs. Hollingbery worries that marriage will complicate things in heaven, and Mr. Johnson persuades everyone to have a rather unusual flutter.

"You see my niece there? She's been asked to get 'em out. Out for Page 3. And I think she should. I'd be proud. Proud for the nation to see my niece's tits."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 5 October 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Efforts to help Alf relax on the flight to Australia leave him feeling tipsy, attitudes about foreigners provide common ground at the dinner table, and Mrs. Hollingbery is unhappy to find herself faced with a double bed.

"I couldn't have children, Mr. Garnett. And I saw no purpose in allowing my husband to molest me for fun, as he called it. I'm not an amusement park, Mr. Garnett."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 12 October 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

The hosts are delighted when the guests decide to go out sight-seeing, Alf's furious when a lifeguard ignores a report of someone in trouble, and Mrs. Hollingbery's insists on being allowed to get her feet a bit wet.

"He'd (Capt. Cook) have been better if he'd gone around the corner there to the next beach. 'Cause that's where all the shop are."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 19 October 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

A practical joke goes wrong when a crocodile takes a hell of a beating, Alf's confronted about trading in plane tickets for cheaper alternatives, and Arthur comes up with a way to get the best out of a very dodgy deal.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you see, King George didn't send Captain Cook back out here again because he wanted it as a proper colony. See, he agreed with Cook when Cook said it was the bumhole of the world. What he wanted, see, is what he told Cook. Somewhere to dump all his rubbish."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1989)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 1989
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mr. Johnson refuses to share his Christmas dinner with his neighbour, Mrs. Hollingbery thanks the Lord from saving her from an old miser, and Alf manages to con the vicar into providing him with a festive hamper.

"I mean, really, how that vicar could believe such a tale is beyond me. I mean, he must be a right simpleton. He don't know you. He don't know you. That's his only excuse."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FIVE

(1990)
10 episodes
Series Score: 80*
Episode Average: 8.00
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S5E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 1 September 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery needs a torch to find the candles when the power goes off, things aren't much better when drinks start to disappear in the pub, and Alf complains about paying Poll Tax for services that he never uses.

"If the telly was on, the lights would be on, and I could find those candles then."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 8 September 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery fails to see any of the obvious signs of suicidal thoughts, Alf claims there's no point trying to clean the dust off the furniture, and Mr. Johnson wonders why everyone is so eager to avoid going to Heaven.

"I wouldn't sprinkle water on this sofa, it could turn to mud! You'd be slipping off it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 16 September 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery speaks to her insurance agent following a near miss, Alf's accused of being disgusting when he takes his x-rays to the pub, and talk of Mr. Johnson being a poisoner sets a very dangerous ball rolling.

"Has he brought them things over here? I've had to look at those. He's made me look at those. I told him, I don't want to look inside him... it's bad enough having to look at the outside of him!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 22 September 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf's not happy about having to do a window cleaning round with his hip, a priest faces criticism when he's seen collecting from the bookies, and Arthur's sworn to secrecy when he hits the jackpot on a fruit machine.

"Again? It's always cheese in this house! Cheese for breakfast. Cheese for dinner. Cheese for tea. Cheese!, cheese, cheese! I'm not a bloody mouse, you know!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 29 September 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollinbery cashes in on other people's generosity while shopping, Arthur looks back with regret at missing out on a career in football, and Mr. Johnson passes on information for a dog-walking job at the kennels.

"It's the same with a fighter, innit? His brain's the same, see. In his hands and in his feet, that's where his brains should be. Don't need nothing up there. I mean, hit him in the head as hard as you like. There's nothing in there to hurt, is there? And that's why women go mad early, see. Cos... they don't need a brain, not once they've got a husband."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery complains about uninvited people invading her dreams, Alf can't hide his delight when he's told to report for jury service, and Mr. Johnson's amused when he finds a crafty old tale-teller drinking for free.

"Peruse?! Ooh! What that when it's out with it's hat on?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mrs. Hollingbery realises that she's lost a Monday but gained a Thursday, Mr. Johnson comes up with a controversial idea for capital punishment, and Harry and Wally take issue with the slagging off the criminal classes.

"Look, they stopped him because the front wheels of his car was off the ground with the weight of the stuff that was in the bloody boot, for crying out loud! He couldn't drive the car, it was so overloaded. He had four sides of beef in there, two sides of bacon, sacks of sugar, whisky, gin..."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S5E8

EPISODE 8

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf gets his revenge on a bus driver by organising a pensioners' day out, sticking to the usual route puts paid to ideas of a day at the seaside, and a comment from an Irishman about the Queen doesn't go down too well.

"That's right. Go in swimming, come out smoking a cigar? Very nice!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E9

EPISODE 9

Originally broadcast: 27 October 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Getting married on a Saturday causes a fixture clash with the Hammers, Mrs. Hollingbery insists that she has no interest in sexual relations, and Alf resorts to throwing holy water about when an unexpected storm hits.

"If you've got any flicker left in your bulb, you can plug it in some other socket... where it might be more appreciated. though I shouldn't think anyone'd get much light from it!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E10

EPISODE 10

Originally broadcast: 3 November 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf baffles the priest when he goes to receive his religious instruction, clubbing together to buy a wedding present leads to a series of gifts, and Mrs. Hollingbery steps in to put an end to the stag night entertainment.

"Disappointed! No, well... You see, er... Harry had always boasted... that he was... well-hung. I didn't know much about sex before I was married, and I didn't learn much after I was married. But, oh... When I seen it... for the first time... on our honeymoon... I thought to meself... 'Well, if that's well-hung, it's not what I'd imaged what well-hung would mean'. It hung... like an acorn between two crab apples."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIAL

(1990)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 30 December 1990
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

The priest makes his feelings known about how the wedding turned out, Alf suggests that penance should be served by cooking a meat pud, and the fake cancellation of a luxury honeymoon leads to a change of heart.

"You said you wasn't talking to me! I'm looking to see who you are talking to. Hello!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES SIX

(1992)
7 episodes
Series Score: 41
Episode Average: 5.86
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 21 February 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf tries to prove that he's good with his hands by unblocking the kitchen sink, an uninvited scrounger settles himself in for a bit of free food, and an attempt to teach a noisy car owner a lesson backfires spectacularly.

"I'm trying to unbung this bloody sink which you blocked up, you silly great fat pud'n. You would think, wouldn't you, eh? You'd think with all their brains, all their tech-ini-cological know-how, that they'd be able to make a bloody sink that don't get itself blocked up, wouldn't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 28 February 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Mr. Johnson's furious when he finds the street filled up by football fans, Alf makes it his mission to recover a Shakespeare book from Mr. Carey, and the milkman's not too happy when he finds someone hitching a ride.

"You know your trouble, Mr. Garnett, your brains are at the wrong end of your body. But never mind, I've got a present for you. A subscription to Euthanasia."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf discovers that his toenails are becoming harder and harder to reach, Mrs. Hollingbery's friend sympathises with having to care for an old man, and Michael reports that Mrs. Johnson has run off with another woman.

"Mrs. Johnson's gone ambidextrous, has she?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf jumps the queue to speak to the doctor about Mrs. Hollingbery's leg, an attempt to knock up some grub turns the kitchen into a disaster area, and the doctor finds his expertise in high demand during a home visit.

"Everything in this street is nailed down. I'd have bars up on the window if I could afford 'em. If you want to sleep safe in this neighbourhood, mate, and not get murdered in your bed, you've got to take precautions. Even your Neighbourhood Watch has to be watched in this neighbourhood."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf finds a briefcase full of money hidden in Mrs. Hollingbery's wardrobe, a blocked up bedroom door means food has to be hoisted to a prisoner, and a visit to the bank reveals that the notes are no longer legal tender.

"Will that give me more air? Not much. If I could keep farting, will that keep me alive? I can't! Bloody hell, I'm gonna die in here, in this bloody wardrobe!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf reveals that he's spread his money out between a number of banks, Mrs. Hollingbery insists that she is now ready play the obedient wife, and the Millwall swines next door manage to clear the house in half an hour.

"Yeah. That bad leg of yours, it ain't rheumatism, you know. That's from all the hours you spent kneeling down, begging forgiveness for all the lies you tell. Sinner's knee, that's what you're suffering from, my dear!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1992
Directed by: Richard Boden
Written by: Johnny Speight

Alf panics when an advert about a wardrobe is spotted in the newspaper, Mrs. Hollingbery refuses to cook for Mr. Johnson when he moves in, and Min pops by unannounced after receiving a message from the other side.

"Well, you know what they say about banking, Alf, eh? They say it's a bit like marriage. You put it in... you take it out... and you lose interest."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

ALF
GARNETT

COMEDY PLAYHOUSE
Played by Warren Mitchell
1 episodes
(1965)
(as Alf Ramsey)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Warren Mitchell
52 episodes
(1966-1975)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Warren Mitchell
Film (1969)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Warren Mitchell
Film
(1972)

TILL DEATH....
Played by Warren Mitchell
6 episodes
(1981)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Warren Mitchell
47 episodes
(1985-1992)

RITA
RAWLINS/GARNETT

COMEDY PLAYHOUSE
Played by Una Stubbs
1 episodes
(1965)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Una Stubbs
52 episodes
(1966-1975)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Una Stubbs
Film (1969)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Adrienne Posta
Film
(1972)

TILL DEATH....
Played by Una Stubbs
3 episodes
(1981)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Una Stubbs
9 episodes
(1985-1986)

ELSE
GARNETT

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Gretchen Franklin
1 episode
(1965)
(as Else Ramsey)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Dandy Nichols
41 episodes
(1966-1975)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Dandy Nichols
Film (1969)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Dandy Nichols
Film
(1972)

TILL DEATH....
Played by Dandy Nichols
6 episodes
(1981)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Dandy Nichols
7 episodes
(1985)

MIKE
RAWLINS

COMEDY PLAYHOUSE
Played by Anthony Booth
1 episodes
(1965)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Anthony Booth
52 episodes
(1966-1975)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Anthony Booth
Film (1969)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Paul Angelis
Film
(1972)

MRS. CAMILLE
HOLLINGBERY

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Carmel McSharry
41 episodes*
(1985-1992)

*once as an unnamed woman in the pub

ARTHUR

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Arthur English
33 episodes
(1985-1990)

MR. FRED
JOHNSON

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Ken Campbell
29 episodes*
(1985-1992)

*once as an irate driver

MIN
REED

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Patricia Hayes
12 episodes
(1975)

TILL DEATH....
Played by Patricia Hayes
6 episodes
(1981)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Patricia Hayes
3 episodes
(1986-1992)

ETHEL
CAREY

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Pat Coombs
7 episodes
(1966-1975)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Patricia Hayes
2 episodes
(1966-1967)

Pat Coombs does appear in a minor role as a neighbour in
the 1969 film, but it doesn't appear to be Mrs. Carey.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Pat Coombs
9 episodes
(1990-1992)

WINSTON
'MARIGOLD'

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Eamonn Walker
18 episodes
(1985-1987)

HARRY
CAREY

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Charlie Bird
6 episodes
(1966-1967)
(as Bert Carey)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Hugh Lloyd
1 episode
(1975)
(as Wally Carey)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Hugh Lloyd
10 episodes
(1990-1992)

MRS.
JOHNSON

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Eileen Kennally
11 episodes
(1985-1987)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Tricia Kelly
5 episodes
(1989-1990)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Yvonne D'Alpra
1 episode
(1992)

FRED

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Will Stampe
15 episodes
(1966-1974)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Michael Robbins
Film (1969)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Will Stampe
Film
(1972)

BERT
REED

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Alfie Bass
12 episodes
(1975)

GRAN

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Joan Sims
11 episodes
(1967-1975)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Joan Sims
Film
(1972)

MICHAEL

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by James Ellis
7 episodes
(1992)

HARRY

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Harry Fowler
7 episodes
(1985-1992)

MR.
RABINSKY

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Arnold Diamond
7 episodes
(1985-1989)

MR.
KITTEL

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Renu Setna
5 episodes
(1986-1987)

PELE

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Vas Blackwood
4 episodes
(1989)

WALLY
THE MILKMAN

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by John Junkin
3 episodes
(1966-1967)

THE ALF GARNETT SAGA
Played by Roy Hudd
Film
(1972)

BERT
LUSCOMBE

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Bill Maynard
Film (1969)

TILL DEATH US DO PART
Played by Bill Maynard
2 episodes
(1972)

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Bill Maynard
1 episode
(1989)

RICKY

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by John Bluthal
3 episodes
(1989)

RAILENE

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Noeline Brown
3 episodes
(1989)

MICHAEL, JR.

TILL DEATH....
Played by John Fowler
2 episodes
(1981)

GWENNETH

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Played by Irene Handl
2 episodes
(1986-1987)