British Comedy: Steptoe and Son

Years: 1962-1974
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Ray Galton, Alan Simpson
Stars: Harry H. Corbett, Wilfrid Brambell
Episodes: 57
Episode Average: 8.193*

BEST EPISODES:
Oh What a Beautiful Mourning (1972), Full House (1963)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(1962)
6 episodes
Series Score: 50
Episode Average: 8.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

THE OFFER

Originally broadcast: 5 January 1962*
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert keeps taking the best stuff for himself, and when Harold discovers that he's also been drinking from the cocktail cabinet, he decides that it's time to move on and take the job offer he's been given.

"Well, if anything half decent comes along, you want to keep it to yourself don't you, that's no way to run a business. All the time you want to take everything we've got, you're just like a little old squirrel you are, with all your nuts hidden away for winter."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

*Originally aired as a pilot as part of Comedy Playhouse, repeated as part of first series.

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S1E2

THE BIRD

Originally broadcast: 14 June 1962
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold keeps going out, so Albert suggests bringing his girl back for dinner.

"Aaah, you poor old man, you ain't got nothing to live for have you? Put yourself out of your misery."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S1E3

THE PIANO

Originally broadcast: 21 June 1962
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's offered a free piano, but only if he can shift it himself from a top floor flat, so he gets Albert to help.

"Nah, I've read about blokes like him, he's kinky!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E4

THE ECONOMIST

Originally broadcast: 28 June 1962
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold learns about the economics of bulk buying, and uses the new knowledge to invest in four thousand sets of false teeth.

"And how can he adapt himself into a ten-tonne lorry? You great pudding!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

THE DIPLOMA

Originally broadcast: 5 July 1962
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold decided that television repair may be his way out of the rag and bone game, but Albert isn't convinced.

"Oh alright, I'll put on a top hat and a monocle and a pair of white gloves, that better? Think they'll open the doors then eh? Pray, do not be frightened, it is Harold Steptoe, The Totting Toff."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E6

THE HOLIDAY

Originally broadcast: 12 July 1962
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's dreaming of a holiday abroad, but Albert's determined to go to Bognor... again!

"The Acropoli... haven't you never heard of it? It's famous that is... The Four Horseman of the Acropolis, legendary!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1963)
7 episodes
Series Score: 56
Episode Average: 8.0
Perfect 10's: 2

S2E1

WALLAH-WALLAH CATSMEAT

Originally broadcast: 3 January 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

When Hercules is ill, Harold and Albert decide to take advantage of the generosity of the local rag and bone men.

"Ah, ain't it pathetic? Your faith in the healing powers of a cup of tea. That's your answer to everything ain't it, a nice cup of tea, the Englishman's panacea. 'Mother just died, oh what a shame, have a cup of tea'. 'Just been run over, never mind, have a cup of tea'. I have been offered tea, for disasters, funerals, operations, floods, wars, Dunkirk, the Blitz, coronations, piles, hysteria, hunger marches, and insomnia. Nice mug of tea in one hand, thumbs up to the camera with the other. Britain can take it! Well they can have it!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E2

THE BATH

Originally broadcast: 10 January 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's love life is suffering because of Albert having bath in the front room, so he sets about building a bathroom.

"What's that got to do with it? I fail to see your reasoning, look... 'Pickled onions in vinegar'... 'in vinegar', not soap and water. If I wanted my onions to taste of... this isn't only beside the point, it's irrelevant. Whichever way you look at it, to fish pickled onions out of your bath water and put them back in the jar is an act of extreme dirtiness, eurgh... you dirty, dirty...!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E3

THE STEPMOTHER

Originally broadcast: 17 January 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold isn't too pleased when he hears that Albert plans to remarry, and he doesn't intend to let it happen.

"I don't want your peppermint creams, who do you think I am, Lolita? I want my dinner! Don't you understand? D-I-N-Er!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E4

SIXTY-FIVE TODAY

Originally broadcast: 24 January 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold pretends he's forgotten Albert's birthday, before taking him out to experience some of the finer things.

"What's Foo Yung? I bet it's one of those hundred-year old eggs they dig up! I ain't eating no hundred-year old egg. Shark's fin soup? Bird's nest soup? Bird's nest? Eurgh, the dirty devils! Lion's head! I ain't eating no lion's head!
I'm getting out of here!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E5

A MUSICAL EVENING

Originally broadcast: 31 January 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold finds some old gramophone records, but musical differences soon cause conflict, and a set of keys get lost in the yard.

"Cor blimey, someone must have given him a wallop!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E6

FULL HOUSE

Originally broadcast: 7 February 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's planning a night of gambling, but Albert has misgivings about the whole thing.

"Don't bite it, cut it! There's a cheese knife there, oh honestly dad, has it ever occurred to you that people might not like cheese with teeth marks all over it?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E7

IS THAT YOUR HORSE OUTSIDE?

Originally broadcast: 14 February 1963
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold falls for a wealthy woman, and Albert's warnings fall on deaf ears.

"My God! I wish you had told me that when I was a boy, what a difference it would have made to my life... my dad is older than me, I'm overcome!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES THREE

(1964)
7 episodes
Series Score: 57
Episode Average: 8.14
Perfect 10's: 1

S3E1

HOME FIT FOR HEROES

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold has plans to sail around the world, which means putting Albert into an old folk's home.

"I might have know you were up to something this morning, bringing me breakfast up on a tray. Slimy, that's what you are! Conniving! Cunning! Just like your mother! Gawd rest her soul."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S3E2

THE WOODEN OVERCOATS

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert isn't happy when Harold comes home with a cartful of coffins.

"Dad? Dad? Never here when you want him. I bet he's at my booze. If I catch him, I'll ram his corkscrew up his dirty little nose."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E3

THE LEAD MAN COMETH

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Things haven't been going well but Harold sees a chance to make some easy money, Albert isn't so sure.

"Tea? The monkeys that advertise it could make better tea than that!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E4

STEPTOE À LA CARTE

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold surprises Albert when he tells of meeting a French girl, but when he takes her home, Albert has a few surprises of his own.

"Look, there's still time for you to leave if you want to, I mean, I don't mind holding up for a few moments if it means that those skinny little legs of yours will carry that dirty little carcass upstairs."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E5

SUNDAY FOR SEVEN DAYS

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert and Harold go to the pictures, but they both want to see very different things.

"I am wearing 'em, under me pyjamas, and I'm still cold. I'm colder than a penguin's chuff."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S3E6

THE BONDS THAT BIND US

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold hits lucky on the premium bonds, and gets a bit carried away with his new found wealth.

"Twenty-seven! Dad, ask yourself... what is a bird of twenty-seven marrying a silly old twit for if it's not to get hold of his geld."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S3E7

THE LODGER

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert decides to advertise for a lodger, but Harold's having none of it, declaring that he'll move out if a lodger moves in.

"And what do you know about antiques apart from being one?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FOUR

(1965)
7 episodes
Series Score: 54
Episode Average: 7.71
Perfect 10's: 1

S4E1

AND AFTERWARDS AT...

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's getting married, but the day doesn't go as planned.

"This should be the happiest day of my life, and it could be, if it wasn't for you sitting there pouring out your satanic little thoughts. Evil, that's what you are... evil! All you need is a little pair of horns, and you'll be set."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S4E2

CROSSING SWORDS

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold finally hits lucky when he finds a valuable piece of porcelain, but greed soon kicks in.

"Yes, I must confess, I did. Last Wednesday night when you went tenpin bowling, I took the liberty, and to illuminate the splendour of the scene, I stuck a couple of candles in that beautiful 18th century candelabra of yours. I had a slight accident, I'm afraid to say, owing to the heat of the candles, some of the solid silver peeled off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S4E3

THOSE MAGNIFICENT MEN AND THEIR HEATING MACHINES

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold decides to install central heating himself, but the workmanship falls a little short.

"Yeah, perhaps you're right. If you get those scrawny little knees of yours stuck in the gaps of the radiators, you'll have a very difficult job explaining that away to the fire brigade. Yeah, it'll look very kinky."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S4E4

THE SIEGE AT STEPTOE STREET

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert's been running up bills, and now the creditors want their money back, and come armed with bailiffs.

"Not when he gets to court he won't be, and that goes for all the other bills he's been allowed to run up. Nutty as a fruitcake, he is... WAAAH HAAAH WAAAH HAAAH... Dad, will you stop eating that carpet!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S4E5

A BOX IN TOWN

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold moves into a tiny flat so he can entertain birds, but he isn't the only one with new found freedom.

"You rotten little skinbag!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S4E6

MY OLD MAN'S A TORY

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

After clashing with Albert about political issues, Harold hosts a Labour party meeting in the hope of becoming the candidate for the local constituency.

"More like a candidate for the psychiatric ward!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S4E7

PILGRIM'S PROGRESS

Originally broadcast: 18 February 1964
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold accompanies Albert on a trip to revisit former battlefields, but trouble starts on the plane when Albert clashes with other passengers.

"Oh, you great pillock! Why did you want to creep in like that?
You might have got that right up your khyber!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES FIVE

(1970)
7 episodes
Series Score: 54
Episode Average: 7.71
Perfect 10's: 1

S5E1

A DEATH IN THE FAMILY

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

The death of Hercules hits Albert hard.

"I bet you never even tried the kiss of life."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S5E2

A WINTER'S TALE

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert tries out the new shower, and Harold is planning a skiing holiday in Austria.

"Not your birthday? Come on dad, it's got to be, you're having a wash!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S5E3

ANY OLD IRON?

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

An antiques dealer spots something he fancies in the yard, but Harold won't accept that it's him.

"You're a menace, you are, to any decent arts collection. You really are, you're a little savage! You could have sacked Rome on your own you could. Attila the Hun wouldn't have had a look-in with you, mate."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S5E4

STEPTOE AND SON - AND SON!

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold finds out he's going to become a father, but neither he or the expecting mother can even remember each other.

"You don't have much choice, do you? You put your penny in, pull the handle, and take your chance on what comes out."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S5E5

THE COLOUR PROBLEM

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert wants a colour television, but Harold has his eye on a car.

"You have no right going down my gumboots, those dirty little hands of yours, I could get athlete's foot!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S5E6

T.B. OR NOT T.B.?

Originally broadcast: 10 April 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

When Harold and Albert have X-rays done, one of the results is 'unsatisfactory'.

"Yes you have, two years ago when the horse kicked you in the cobblers."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S5E7

MEN OF PROPERTY

Originally broadcast: 17 April 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

After finding that they don't actually own their property, Harold tries to win favour with the bank to secure the funds needed.

"Cor, she's got a big overdraft ain't she!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES SIX

(1970)
8 episodes
Series Score: 67
Episode Average: 8.38
Perfect 10's: 2

S6E1

ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE

Originally broadcast: 2 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert pretends to be the victim of a burglary after accidentally breaking Harold's porcelain collection.

"Oh yeah, one of them said 'oooh he's kicked me in the goolies!'"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S6E2

COME DANCING

Originally broadcast: 9 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold lies to impress a bird, but then finds himself as her dance partner in a competition, even though he can't dance.

"Don't kid yourself mate, I know the modern stuff, I often have a thrash down at the Derby and Joan Club. Some of those old biddies there, when they've finished doing the twist with me, their corsets on the wrong way round."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

TWO'S COMPANY

Originally broadcast: 16 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert has met a new woman who he intends to marry, but her and Harold have a history of their own.

"It's not just something that happens to young people, old people have their feeling too. Just because a prune's got wrinkles doesn't mean it's not tasty."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

TEA FOR TWO

Originally broadcast: 23 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert and Harold are on opposite sides of the political divide, and Harold isn't happy to hear that Prime Minister Heath will be paying a visit.

"I'm gonna wait until the photographers is assembled, and then it's off with the dressing gown! Mr. Heath is about to see his first full-frontal nude."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

Originally broadcast: 30 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold wants to move when a new motorway flyover is built, but people aren't too keen to have such people living in their streets.

"Oh, just a minute, I'm gonna nip upstairs and splash me boots."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S6E6

POT BLACK

Originally broadcast: 7 December 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold buys a snooker table, but struggles with both adequate space and skill.

"Mind ya goolies on the pocket!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

THE THREE FEATHERS

Originally broadcast: 14 December 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold becomes a victim of his own greed when he buys a commode on the cheap.

"Honestly, you're so dim at times, you really are, you're as thick as a donkey's dongler!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E8

CUCKOO IN THE NEST

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1970
Directed by: Duncan Wood
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert's long-lost eldest son turns up from Australia, and Harold goes into business on his own.

"Bread pudding, marmalade... you daft pillock, you can't have a steel mine, you make steel. You'd believe anything wouldn't ya!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES SEVEN

(1972)
7 episodes
Series Score: 67
Episode Average: 9.57
Perfect 10's: 5

S7E1

MEN OF LETTERS

Originally broadcast: 21 February 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

After a mucky game of Scrabble, Albert and Harold argue over who should write an article for the parish magazine.

"My bums not dirty! I mean, my 'bum' is the American for 'tramp'."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S7E2

A STAR IS BORN

Originally broadcast: 28 February 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold joins an amateur dramatic society, and uses the house for rehearsals.

"That's my dad, and he's an ignorant old git."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOURNING

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

When one of the family dies, the vultures are soon circling to see what they've been left.

"This is the first bleedin' drink I've ever had on him."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

LIVE NOW, P.A.Y.E. LATER

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

A tax inspector visits to investigate Albert's claim for his long dead wife.

"Why don't you mind you business? Your mother know what she's doing."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

LOATHE STORY

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold sees a psychiatrist after dreaming about killing Albert.

"If you don't shut up, I shall ram this shuttlecock straight up your khyber,
and set fire to the feathers!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

DIVIDED WE STAND

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

After an argument about how best to decorate the house, Harold decides that the only option is to split it in two.

"I haven't finished yet! You are morally, spiritually and physically, a festering fly-blown heap of accumulated filth!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

THE DESPERATE HOURS

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1972
Directed by: John Howard Davies
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Just as they're cold and penniless, things get even worse when two escaped convicts turn up at the door.

"All my life you've been sucking the life right out of me. Dracula was a better father than you, at least he only had a go at night... you're at it all day long!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

FILM

(1972)

FILM

STEPTOE AND SON

Released: 7 January 1972
Directed by: Cliff Owen
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold marries a stripper, but Albert's always in the way.

"So help me, if you're having me on, by tomorrow morning there'll be a corner of a foreign field that is forever England."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

FILM

(1973)

FILM

STEPTOE AND SON RIDE AGAIN

Released: 6 July 1973
Directed by: PEter Sykes
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert has to pretend to be dead after finances go to the dogs.

"Now look you, I'm not... I am not interested, broke or not, if there is no meat for me on the table when I come in tonight, I'm warning you, that horse is going out tomorrow with one leg missing!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SPECIAL

(1973)

SPECIAL

THE PARTY

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1973
Directed by by: Graham Muir
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

When Albert persuades Harold to cancel his Christmas holiday, Harold decides to host a party instead.

"Do you remember your first Christmas? 1932... Harold was six months old then. Yeah, I gave you to him. Do you remember? He kept gurgling and pointing up at you, So I lifted him up, and he stretched out his chubby little fist, grabbed hold of you and pulled your leg off. We never did find that either, I think he must have ate it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES EIGHT

(1974)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47*
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S8E1

BACK IN FASHION

Originally broadcast: 4 September 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert and Harold try to get a piece of the action when six pretty girls arrive in the yard for a fashion photo shoot.

"Now listen you, I want you to behave yourself. Now some of these girls comes from very good class families, so no effing and blinding. And if you feels like a D'Oyly Carte, you goes outside, all right?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2

AND SO TO BED

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold decides to invest in a new bed after the old bug-infested one collapses at completely the wrong moment.

"No thank you, after three weeks of erotic anticipation of what I was going to do to Marcia, I really couldn't have spent the night with you. Oh well, that's another romance gone up the spout."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3

PORN YESTERDAY

Originally broadcast: 18 September 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Harold's excited to have got his hands on an old What-the-Butler-Saw machine, but there are secrets lurking inside it.

"Oh god, it's you! In Curly-toed slippers and suspenders.A Night in a Turkish Harem. You Marquis de Sade!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E4

THE SEVEN STEPTOERAI

Originally broadcast: 25 September 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert and Harold need to work out how to deal with Frankie Barrow, after he forces them to join his protection racket.

"The game is up, Sir Albert, I advise you not to do anything foolish.
Watson, search his 'arris for a cyanide pill."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E5

UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS, UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

The doctor orders Harold to take care of Albert when he's struck down with a bad back.

"Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Mr. Steptoe, I got some bad news for you, I'm from the Cornish Police. Your son Harold has been took by a man-eating pilchard."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E6

SEANCE IN A WET RAG AND BONE YARD

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

Albert tells a sceptical Harold about a seance, and he gets to experience one first hand when Albert invites a medium to the house.

"Hello Dotty!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL

(1974)

SPECIAL

A PERFECT CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1974
Directed by: Douglas Argent
Written by: Alan Simpson, Ray Galton

After persuading Albert to go on holiday for Christmas, Harold than has to make it somewhere other than Bognor.

"There'll be Z Cars with holly stuck in the helmets, investigating a special Christmas crime. Somebody found up an alleyway, battered to death with a Christmas pudding."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

ALBERT EDWARD
LADYSMITH STEPTOE

played by Wilfrid Brambell
in Desperate Hours (1972)

HAROLD ALBERT
KITCHENER STEPTOE

played by Harry H. Corbett
in Divided We Stand (1972)

ROXANNE

played by Valerie Bell
in... The Bird (S1E2 - 1962)

DELILAH

played by Yootha Joyce
in... The Bath (S2E2 - 1963)

MARTINE

played by Marjie Lawrence
in... The Bath (S2E2 - 1963)

DOROTHIA

played by Patricia Haines
in... Is That Your Horse Outside? (S2E7 - 1963)

MONIQUE

played by Gwendolyn Watts
in... Steptoe à la Cart (S3E4 - 1964)

MELANIE

played by Karol Hagar
in... And Afterwards At... (S4E1 - 1965)

AVIS

played by Yootha Joyce
in... A Box in Town (S4E5 - 1965)

DOLLY MILLER

played by Valerie Bell
in... Any Old Iron? (S5E3 - 1970)

DAPHNE

played by Ann Beach
in... Steptoe and Son - and Son! (S5E4 - 1970)

MURIEL

played by Carmel Cryan
in... The Colour Problem (S5E5 - 1970)

-

played by ?
in... Robbery with Violence (S6E1 - 1970)

DAPHNE GOODLACE

played by Jean Kent
in... Two's Company (S6E3 - 1970)

Introduced as Albert's love interest, but turns out to be Harold's old flame.

NEMONE WAGSTAFF

played by Margaret Nolan
in... A Star is Born (S7E2 - 1972)

Plays his fiancée in a play.

CAROLINE

played by Yvonne Antrobus
in... Oh, What a Beautiful Mourning (S7E3 - 1972)

Flirty cousin.

BUNTY

played by Joanna Lumley
in... Loathe Story (S7E5 - 1972)

ZITA

played by Carolyn Seymour
in... Steptoe & Son (1972)

WOMAN IN FLAT

played by Diana Dors
in... Steptoe & Son Ride Again (1973)

Takes a fancy to Harold, but he isn't interested.

DOLLY BIRD

played by Grazina Frame
in... Steptoe & Son Ride Again (1973)

MARCIA

played by Lynn Farleigh
in... And So to Bed (S8E2 - 1974)

-

played by ?
in... A Perfect Christmas (1974)