British Comedy: Dad's Army

Years: 1968-1977
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry,
Harold Snoad
Stars: Arthur Lowe, John Le Mesurier
Episodes: 80 (3 lost)
Episode Average: 7.740*

BEST EPISODES:
Battle of the Giants! (1971), The Showing Up of Corporal Jones (1968)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(1968)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

THE MAN AND THE HOUR

Originally broadcast: 31 July 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

After hearing an announcement on the radio, the bank manager, Mainwaring appoints himself Captain and forms the Walmington-on-Sea branch of the Local Defence Volunteers.

"I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting unit, I'm going to lead them, command them, inspire them to be ruthless killers, and I'm not going to get very far if you invite them to 'step this way' am I? Quick march is the order."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

MUSEUM PIECE

Originally broadcast: 7 August 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring decides to raid the local museum for weapons, but Jones' father has other ideas.

"When I gave the order to cross the river, someone said, 'get stuffed'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

COMMAND DECISION

Originally broadcast: 14 August 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring promises to get rifles by the end of the week, but when he only comes up with muskets, all seems lost.

"No, sir. It's not you, sir. It's all the women. They come in the shop trying to get a bit on the side, sir."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

THE ENEMY WITHIN THE GATES

Originally broadcast: 28 August 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

A Polish officer is accused of being German, but he's only there to bring news of a £10 reward for captured German airmen.

"Luft-waffy?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

THE SHOWING UP OF CORPORAL JONES

Originally broadcast: 4 September 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Corporal Jones is deemed to old to be on the Home Guard, and is challenged to complete an assault course in fifteen minutes.

"And I'll away and get into my Winnie-the-Pooh outfit."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

SHOOTING PAINS

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1968
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon must prove themselves in a shooting competition, and they have a secret weapon.

"If our platoon was doing the shooting, they'd have nothing to worry about."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

ONLY THREE EPISODES STILL EXIST FROM THIS SERIES, THE OTHERS ARE LISTED AS MISSING. THE REMAINING EPISODES HAVE BEEN PACKAGED WITH THE FIRST SERIES DVD.

SERIES TWO

(1969)
3 (+3 lost) episodes
Series Score: 22
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

OPERATION KILT

Originally broadcast: 1 March 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

After hearing an announcement on the radio, the bank manager, Mainwaring appoints himself Captain and forms the Walmington-on-Sea branch of the Local Defence Volunteers.

"Now then, pay attention, this is important. Each side will carry with them three colours of paint,namely, red for dead, blue for wounded, white for prisoners. If a man is wounded and captured, he gets a dab of blue paint and a dab of white paint. If there's any dispute, you must call for me. I shall carry with me a tin of pink paint and a tin of yellow paint. If I decide he is wounded, not dead, I give him one dash of pink paint, on the other hand, if I think he is dead and not wounded, he gets two dabs of pink paint, and then again of course, if he's not dead, not wounded, not prisoner, he gets one dash of yellow paint and that cancels out the whole thing. Understood?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THE BATTLE OF GODFREY'S COTTAGE

Originally broadcast: 8 March 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Plans are put into place where in the event of invasion, the platoon will split in two, but when the church bell rings to signal such an event, confusion leads to a peculiar stand-off.

"Do you mind if we put this doily underneath, only it's a rather valuable table, it scratches very easily."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE WALKER

Originally broadcast: 15 March 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are horrified to learn that Walker has been called up to the regular army, and fight to keep him, and his ability to get hold of much needed supplies.

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

SGT. WILSON'S LITTLE SECRET

Originally broadcast: 22 March 1969
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Sgt. Wilson becomes distracted when he hears that Mrs. Pike is expecting a child.

"No, this is winter camouflage. You wear it in the snow."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

A STRIPE FOR FRAZER

Originally broadcast: 29 March 1969
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring decides to temporarily promote Frazer to test his potential.

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

UNDER FIRE

Originally broadcast: 5 April 1969
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Frazer spots a German spy and the platoon spring into action, but the spy protests innocence.

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

SERIES THREE

(1969)
14 episodes
Series Score: 108
Episode Average: 7.71
Perfect 10's: 1

S3E1

THE ARMOURED MIGHT OF LANCE CORPORAL JONES

Originally broadcast: 11 September 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

At the request of Walker, Jones donates his shop van as troop transport.

"Open, two, three, out, two, three! Bang, two, three, bang, two, three, bang, two, three, bang, two, three! Bang two three, in, two, three, shut!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

BATTLE SCHOOL

Originally broadcast: 18 September 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon miss out on food when they are late at a weekend camp, and after oversleeping, they miss out on breakfast too.

"I'm just taking it across the road."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

THE LION HAS PHONES

Originally broadcast: 25 September 1969
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring tries to enlighten the men about the public telephone system, which comes in handy when an enemy plane lands in the reservoir.

"To prevent the enemy from getting his... taking control of our vital parts."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

THE BULLET IS NOT FOR FIRING

Originally broadcast: 2 October 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring sets up a court of inquiry to work out who's responsible for the ammunition shortage.

"Oi 'ere, hang on, wait a minute. You know, that whisky you get every week don't fall off a lorry on its own accord, it has to be pushed."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

SOMETHING NASTY IN THE VAULT

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring and Wilson are left holding a bomb after it hits the bank.

"I'm reminded of the tale of the Australian soldier, he arrived up at the front and was met by a British officer, who said 'Ah my man, have you can to die?', and he said, 'No sir, I came yester-die.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

ROOM AT THE BOTTOM

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When it's discovered that Mainwaring has never held a commission, he's demoted to lieutenant, and then again to private, leaving Sgt. Wilson in charge of the platoon.

"What is he then? A knight or something? Looks like a rough knight to me!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

BIG GUNS

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are given a heavy naval gun, but the town bandstand might cause a problem with using it.

"Godfrey, have you got the inclination?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

THE DAY THE BALLOON WENT UP

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

After rescuing the verger from a barrage balloon, they need to find a way to tie it down, but Mainwaring ends up being a reluctant passenger, with the rest of the platoon in pursuit.

"No, I'd forgotten me braces, you see, sir. I wanted to keep my hands in my pockets, because if I'd raised them to salute, I thought the result might seem unseemly."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E9

WAR DANCE

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring announces that a dance will be held to help raise morale, but is concerned when he learns of Pike's plan to propose to a common young woman, whose mother used to be his cleaner.

"I mean we're both grown up, men of the world. I'm Frank...
no I'm not... er... You're Frank, hehe, I'm Arthur."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E10

MENACE FROM THE DEEP

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are tasked with guarding a machine gun post at the end of a pier, but Pike loses the boat along with the supplies.

"Permission to wake you up, sir?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E11

BRANDED

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1969
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When it's discovered that Godfrey had been a conscientious objector in the past, he is branded a coward, but an act of bravery reveals there is more to the man than they gave credit for.

"Oh I'd like to volunteer to be something to sit on!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E12

MAN HUNT

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are on the lookout for parachutes, and Walker soon has them checking the drawers of the local ladies, before providing a sniffer dog to hunt out a German.

"This should be a pushover. Good day, sir, I believe your missus has a pair of my pants."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E13

No SPRING FOR FRAZER

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Frazer misplaces the spring for a Lewis Gun, and believes that it must be in a coffin that he's recently made, but it's been taken away to be used.

"I normally carry one on me, but I flogged it to old Godfrey to tighten up his roller-skates!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E14

SONS OF THE SEA

Originally broadcast: 11 December 1969
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Captain Mainwaring requsitions a boat and sets off to guard the local river, but they soon get lost before ending up on strange shores.

"Why don't we muffle our rollocks so as they won't be able to hear them clanking?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES FOUR

(1970)
13 episodes
Series Score: 109
Episode Average: 8.38
Perfect 10's: 2

S4E1

THE BIG PARADE

Originally broadcast: 25 September 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring wants a mascot to march with as they lead the 'Spitfire Week' parade, but Pike falls into a bog whilst trying to catch a ram, and Hodges has no intention of letting the Home Guard lead the parade.

"Shut up and take your trousers off. All of you, take your trousers off."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

DON'T FORGET THE DIVER

Originally broadcast: 2 October 1970
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon take part in an exercise that involves capturing a windmill from Captain Square, and Mainwaring decides on a plan that involves Jones dressing up as a log, and the rest of the platoon disguising themselves as sheep?

"I've only got two pairs of legs, you know, sir!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring becomes obsessed with feet, and has the men doing all kinds of exercise to harden them, including long marches, but the platoon hatch a plan to put an end to it.

"Yes, they tortured my toes terribly. They were terrible toe torturers, you know."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

SGT - SAVE MY BOY!

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Pike walks into a minefield in the blackout and gets tangled in barbed wire, and the engineers can't get there for three hours.

"Oh wait a minute, sir, wait a minute, sir. You'd better be careful, some of those things have booby trap devices for trapping boobies."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

DON'T FENCE ME IN

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1970
Directed by: Harold Snoad
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are sent to relieve guards at a POW camp, but the guards have already gone, and Walker starts acting suspiciously.

"He's been a friend of mine for years, Joe has. And to think that for all these years, I've been harbouring a viper between bosoms."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

ABSENT FRIENDS

Originally broadcast: 30 October 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring cancels two days away, and is horrified to find that his men have gone to the pub for a darts match against the ARP wardens.

"Yes, and we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring sends a team to man the lighthouse, but there's panic when they turn on the light and can't work out how to turn it back off.

"Put that finger down, and get out of my headquarters."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

THE TWO AND A HALF FEATHERS

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

An old battle comrade wants to join the platoon, but not before he accuses Jones of cowardice for leaving him to die in the desert.

"What are you going to do? Put him against the wall and shoot
him with water pistols, or thrash him with a wet lettuce?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

MUM'S ARMY

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring invites women to join the platoon, but it soon creates problems when he gets too close to one of the new recruits.

"I live with my dad, he's six foot three, so don't you go getting any ideas!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

THE TEST

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Hodges brings in a professional when the ARP take on the Home Guard in a cricket match.

"That's it, have a good look round, You won't be there long.
This chap would have played for England if the war hadn't started."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E11

A. WILSON (MANAGER)?

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Sgt. Wilson receives a commission, and a promotion by the bank, leaving a disgusted Mainwaring with Pike as Chief Clerk and a platoon overrun with new sergeants.

"Captain Mainwaring, I've fallen the private in. What shall I do with the sergeants?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E12

UNINVITED GUESTS

Originally broadcast: 11 December 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The ARP move in with the Home Guard after their HQ is bombed out, but it's far from a harmonious union.

"Call these troops? The Bath Chair Fusiliers?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E13

FALLEN IDOL

Originally broadcast: 18 December 1970
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring ends up rather the worse for wear after being persuaded to drink in the Officers Mess by Colonel Square, and there's a bombing exercise in the morning.

"No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel. I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff... Puff!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

FILM

(1971)

FILM

DAD'S ARMY

Released: 1971
Directed by: Norman Cohen
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

After appointing himself leader of the newly formed Local Defence Volunteers, Mainwaring guides the platoon through a series of mishaps, before finding themselves in a position to redeem themselves.

"We're the Local Defence Volunteers, and I'm their appointed commander, Captain Mainwaring, and I must ask you to keep your hands off my privates."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1971)

SPECIAL

BATTLE OF THE GIANTS!

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1971
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring might have a distinct lack of service medals, but he's not about to accept that his men are not up to it, and he accepts a challenge from Captain Square.

"What's the matter, Napoleon? Why are you looking so sheepish?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES FIVE

(1972)
13 episodes
Series Score: 104
Episode Average: 8.0
Perfect 10's: 2

S5E1

ASLEEP IN THE DEEP

Originally broadcast: 6 October 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Godfrey and Walker get trapped in a pumping station when it gets hit by a bomb, and the rest of the platoon, along with Hodges, soon join them.

"Underneath the spreading chestnut tree. Where I held you on my knee. There we raised a family. 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When the government suggest that more older men should be in the ARP, and more younger men in the Home Guard, action has to be taken.

"I think they're leaving it till the last minute. When Captain Mainwaring sees them, he's gonna have kittens. Right there."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL

Originally broadcast: 20 October 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

A night at the cinema, an encounter with a lady conductor, and too much cheese lead to Mainwaring dreaming of being Napoleon.

"I would have thought that a picture about Napoleon would have concerned itself with strategy and tactics. I thought we might have learnt something. Instead of which, he seemed to spend most of his time chasing Greta Garbo around a four-poster-bed."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

GETTING THE BIRD

Originally broadcast: 27 October 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Wilson is seen with a younger woman, and Jones changes his mind about an 'off-the-ration' meat deal with Walker after a report on the news.

"Well, I was in bed at the time, so I couldn't hear much leaning over the banisters, but see, he shouted at mum, and she threw him out of the front door, and threw his ration book after him."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

THE DESPERATE DRIVE OF CORPORAL JONES

Originally broadcast: 3 November 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

A mistake with coordinates leaves most of the platoon in the firing line, and it's up Jones and Godfrey to save them.

"And I'll get on to H-headquarters-Q, right?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

IF THE CAP FITS...

Originally broadcast: 10 November 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When Frazer complains about Mainwaring's habit of wasting time, he ends up in temporary charge of the platoon.

"Excuse me, sir. I think it's probably a starting handle to a Panzy tank."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING HOUSE

Originally broadcast: 17 November 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring's morale boosting party seems to be having the opposite effect, but the men are soon needed when the bank gets hit during an air raid.

"Just one thing, sir. What are we going to do with the surplus surpluses?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

ALL IS SAFELY GATHERED IN

Originally broadcast: 24 November 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon go to help an old friend of Godfrey's, who can't gather the harvest in by herself.

"Yon Godfrey has a queer, fey look. More than likely he's a sexual maniac."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E9

WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR MONEY?

Originally broadcast: 1 December 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

There's panic when Jones arrives at the bank to pay in £500, only to find half a pound of sausages in the wrapped bundle.

"I've told you once and I'll tell you again. I will not have my staff walking through that wall. Now get out, and come in again properly!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E10

BRAIN VERSUS BRAWN

Originally broadcast: 8 December 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon disguise themselves as firemen for a bomb-planting exercise, but end up attending a real fire instead.

"No, sir. No, sir. 'Cause we might breathe in all the poisonous gases, and we'll all get sophisticated."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E11

A BRUSH WITH THE LAW

Originally broadcast: 15 December 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When a light is left on in the office, Hodges takes Mainwaring to court, but he seems to be trying to silence the truth.

"Never mind about that. I identify Captain George Mainwaring. That's him. The little fat one with glasses."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E12

ROUND AND ROUND WENT THE BIG WHEEL

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring's platoon are chosen for 'highly secret special duties' for 'Operation Catherine Wheel', but it takes Walker and Pike to make things interesting.

"Here, Napoleon, I wouldn't have missed this for anything. Oh, I'm glad I came now. Highly secret special duties? Still I suppose somebody has to do the cleaning up but I'll tell you what, it's a good job they're not using a troop of cavalry, otherwise you would have had your work cut out."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E13

TIME ON MY HANDS

Originally broadcast: 29 December 1972
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Several of the platoon get trapped in the clock tower whilst trying to rescue a German airmen left dangling from it.

"Permission to speak, sir? I should like to turn the German to the left, and punch him, sir."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES SIX

(1973)
7 episodes
Series Score: 51
Episode Average: 7.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1

THE DEADLY ATTACHMENT

Originally broadcast: 31 October 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are ordered to guard the crew of a sunken U-Boat until an escort arrives.

"No, sir. I cannot let put a bomb down your trousers, sir. They can put twenty bombs down my trousers and they will not make me crack."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

MY BRITISH BUDDY

Originally broadcast: 7 November 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon organise a party for the arrival of the first American allies, but things turn nasty when they make themselves at home with the local ladies.

"I must confess I did, sir. I lost my temper. It's those two Americans, they kept on clinging to my Ivy."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

THE ROYAL TRAIN

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are chosen to provide a guard of honour for the King who is passing through on a train, but they must spring into action when another train is left in the way.

"Excuse me, sir. Is the train camouflaged or is the king camouflaged?."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

WE KNOW OUR ONIONS

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are off on an efficiency test, but the van is full of Hodge's onions.

"This is a very impressive weapon, this is, sir. As soon as those Nazi parrot-troopers cop a load of this, you won't see their heels for dust."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

THE HONOURABLE MAN

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When Wilson inherits a title, the whole town is proud of him, apart from Mainwaring of course, who considers it an outrage.

"Please may I have the turn with the motorcycle before the ceremony please, instead of Uncle Sergeant the Honourable Arthur?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon run out of petrol outside a mysterious house, but are left with no choice but to spend the night there.

"Yeah, I'm here, sir. Well, I'm almost here. Almost all of me. I have to report I've suffered damage in unknown parts."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

THE RECRUIT

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1973
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When Mainwaring takes medical leave, there are changes in the platoon.

"Private Pike, Private Vicar, Private Verger, stand fast."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES SEVEN

(1974)
6 episodes
Series Score: 40
Episode Average: 6.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S7E1

EVERYBODY'S TRUCKING

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon take out Jones' van to complete an Army signposting exercise, but soon get stuck in the mud when trying to get around an abandoned steam engine.

"Dear, oh dear. Playing at mud pies, are you? You wait till mummy sees you."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

A MAN OF ACTION

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring declares martial law when the committee do nothing but argue during a crisis, and Pike gets his head stuck in railings.

"Thank heavens. I thought it was Pike's head exploding."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

GORILLA WARFARE

Originally broadcast: 29 November 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring is a highly important secret agent in an exercise, and his platoon must get him safely to his destination.

"Right, well. The story of the old empty barn. Well... there was nothing in it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

THE GODIVA AFFAIR

Originally broadcast: 6 December 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are preparing to morris dance for the upcoming carnival, and there's confusion over who will play Lady Godiva.

"Look, it doesn't do for a man in my position to be seen in a public place with a flashy woman like Mrs. Fox."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

THE CAPTAIN'S CAR

Originally broadcast: 13 December 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Lady Maltby donates her Rolls-Royce to the Home Guard, since she can't use it due to petrol shortages, but a mix-up leads to two cars being given nice dirty new paint jobs.

"Here! Hang on a minute, don't I get a kiss?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

TURKEY DINNER

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1974
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Jones mistakenly kills a turkey, and when they can't find the owner, the platoon decide to hold a turkey dinner for the pensioners.

"Mr. Boggis wouldn't like that. He don't like people painting his turkeys."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES EIGHT

(1975)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S8E1

RING DEM BELLS

Originally broadcast: 5 September 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring's platoon are chosen to play Nazis in a training film, but when filming's delayed, they cause panic when they opt for a little refreshment.

"The whole of the South Coast is on red alert! And the Brigadier, he wants to know what blithering idiot was responsible. So I've made an appointment for you, tomorrow morning, half-past ten."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2

WHEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO

Originally broadcast: 12 September 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Pike's passed fit at and looks set to join the RAF, and Mainwaring makes ridiculous promises when trying to outdo Hodges.

"I don't want you to worry 'cause it's my trigger finger, I'm amphibious."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3

IS THERE STILL HONEY FOR TEA?

Originally broadcast: 19 September 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

There are plans for a new aerodrome, but nobody can find it in them to tell Godfrey that his house will have to be demolished.

"My window's better than yours. All it's got in in it a couple of
plaster pigs with comic expressions on their faces."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E4

COME IN, YOUR TIME IS UP

Originally broadcast: 26 September 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring takes the platoon camping, but they're soon disturbed by the Sea Scouts and a dinghy of German airmen.

"I'm sure I'll find a tiny man willing to share with me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E5

HIGH FINANCE

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring has to stop Jones from cashing any more cheques because he's in the red, but on further investigation, perhaps he isn't the one at fault.

"Excuse me, sir. Which sort of a hat will you be wearing as his friend?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E6

THE FACE ON THE POSTER

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Mainwaring decides that a recruitment drive is what's needed, so arranges for a poster to be made, but there's a mix-up at the printers.

"Sir, I think we should do in confidence, sir. We should all vote in a secret ballet."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1975)

SPECIAL

MY BROTHER AND I

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1975
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Captain Mainwaring's brother arrives in town looking for his father's pocket watch, much to the delight of Frazer.

"Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(1976)

SPECIAL

THE LOVE OF THREE ORANGES

Originally broadcast: 26 December 1976
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The vicar organises a charity bazaar, and the star attraction is three oranges, donated by Hodges for auction.

"Well, I'm wearing mine. I don't look a fool."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES NINE

(1977)
6 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 7.33
Perfect 10's: 1

S9E1

WAKE UP WALMINGTON

Originally broadcast: 2 October 1977
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon feel unneeded, so Mainwaring decides they should disguise themselves as fifth columnists and start acting suspiciously

"Do you know what they're calling us in the town? The Geriatric Fusiliers.
And in some cases... they're right!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E2

THE MAKING OF PRIVATE PIKE

Originally broadcast: 9 October 1977
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Pike's night at the pictures go wrong when his new girlfriend persuades him to take the staff car, which then runs out of fuel.

"We never had nothing like that in them days. We had a staff camel. It didn't have horn or windcreen wipers, or anything like that."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E3

KNIGHTS OF MADNESS

Originally broadcast: 16 October 1977
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When the Home Guard and the ARP Wardens both decide to do re-enactments of St. George and the Dragon, the story is given a peculiar twist.

"Don't you worry Godfrey, son, if anything goes wrong, we'll get him out with a tin opener."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E4

THE MISER'S HOARD

Originally broadcast: 23 October 1977
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

When he learns that Frazer has been hoarding gold sovereigns, Mainwaring works to persuade him that his money would be safer in the bank.

"That's what we used to call them at school, you know, when we in the dorm, we used to call them tiddly pots."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E5

NUMBER ENGAGED

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1977
Directed by: Bob Spiers
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

The platoon are guarding a length of telephone wires, when Mainwaring notices an unexploded bomb in the cables.

"If it wasn't for my rheumatics, sir, I'd be shimmying up there like greased lightning."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E6

NEVER TOO OLD

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1977
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: David Croft, Jimmy Perry

Jones marries Mrs. Fox, but an invasion warning spoils the celebrations.

"TO BRITAIN'S HOME GUARD!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

CAPTAIN GEORGE MAINWARING

aka Napoleon
Occupation: Bank Manager
Played by Arthur Lowe
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... A Soldier's Farewell (1972)

SERGEANT ARTHUR WILSON

aka Uncle Arthur
Occupation: Head Bank Clerk
Played by John Le Mesurier
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... My British Buddy (1973)

LANCE-CORPORAL JACK JONES

aka Jonesy
Occupation: Butcher
Played by Clive Dunn
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... The Test (1970)

PRIVATE JAMES FRAZER

Occupation: Shopkeeper/Undertaker
Played by John Laurie
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... The Miser's Hoard (1977)

PRIVATE CHARLES GODFREY

Occupation: Retired Shop Assistant/Tailor
Played by Arnold Ridley
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... IS There Honey Still For Tea? (1975)

PRIVATE FRANK PIKE

aka Stupid Boy
Occupation: Bank Clerk
Played by Ian Lavender
80 episodes (1968-1977)
in... High Finance (1975)

CHIEF ARP WARDEN WILLIAM HODGES

Occupation: Head Bank Clerk
Played by Bill Pertwee
60 episodes (1968-1977)
in... Battle of the Giants! (1971)

PRIVATE JOE WALKER

Occupation: Spiv
Played by James Beck
80 episodes (1968-1973)
in... The Royal Train (1973)

MAURICE YEATMAN

Occupation: Verger
Played by Edward Sinclair
49 episodes (1968-1977)
in... Don't Forget the Diver (1970)

PRIVATE SPONGE

Occupation: Farmer
Played by Colin Bean
44 episodes (1968-1977)
in... The King Was in His Counting House (1972)

THE REVEREND TIMOTHY FARTHING, MA

Occupation: Vicar
Played by Frank Williams
40 episodes (1969-1977)
in... Turkey Dinner (1974)

MRS. PIKE

Played by Janet Davies
30 episodes (1968-1977)
in... When You've Got to Go (1975)

Played by Liz Frazer in the 1971 film.

COLONEL PRITCHARD

Played by Robert Raglan
16 episodes (1970-1977)
in... Wake Up Walmington (1977)

MR. BLEWITT

Played by Harold Bennett
13 episodes (1969-1977)
in... Come In, Your Time is Up (1975)

MRS. FOX

Played by Pamela Cundell
13 episodes (1969-1977)
in... The Godiva Affair (1974)

CAPTAIN SQUARE

Played by Geoffrey Lumsden
8 episodes (1968-1977)
in... A Brush With the Law (1972)

MR. GORDON

aka Uncle Arthur
Occupation: Town Clerk
Played by Eric Longworth
8 episodes (1972-1977)
in... The Captain's Car (1974)

PRIVATE CHEESEMAN

Played by Talfryn Thomas
6 episodes (1973-1974)
in... Turkey Dinner (1974)