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British Comedy: The Two Ronnies (The Serials)

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The Two Ronnies - Series 1 (1971)

HAMPTON WICK

(1971)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 42
Episode Average: 5.25
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1
HAMPTON WICK
Originally broadcast: 10 April 1971

A convent girl heads south to start work as a governess.

"I'm having trouble fastening my chest, and I wouldn't want my treasures to fall out on the journey."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2
STREET OF SHAME
Originally broadcast: 17 April 1971

A new life in London means a new profession.

"I saw you through the grating this morning as you lay on your bunk. 'Ah-ha!' I said to myself as I watched your breast heave in sorrow. 'It's the little ups and downs that make life worth living'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3
THE BARE FACTS
Originally broadcast: 24 April 1971

Bad hair days for Lady Godiva prove popular with the audience.

"Oh, God, so I did. Rather delicious they were, too. A damn site better than that roast crutch we had last Sunday."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4
UP AT THE FRONT
Originally broadcast: 1 May 1971

Sacrifices have to be made while working at a hospital in the Crimea.

"That's when I first decided I was going to be a leader of men. I was quite tall for a boy of eight. I still am."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5
A MODEL OF VIRTUE
Originally broadcast: 8 May 1971

Clothes prove difficult to keep on while working as a model in Paris.

"I wonder, my dear, if you could lend me 100 francs, only I appear to be rather short this week."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6
THE CHAMBERS OF HORROR
Originally broadcast: 15 May 1971

Curiosity and fear take over while working at a sinister house.

"I knew then that this was no ordinary house. There was some dark secret here that they did not wish me to discover. Why else would they want to watch me undressing for bed?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7
QUEEN OF THE SILVER SCREEN
Originally broadcast: 22 May 1971

A career as an actress takes a dangerous turn.

"Really? You surprise me. Ha ha! I've been looking you all over and you certainly are all over."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E8
A VOICE FROM HEAVEN
Originally broadcast: 29 May 1971

Henrietta's life flashes before her.

"Of course it is. I recognise her underwear. I mean, I'd recognise her anywhere."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHARACTERS

HENRIETTA
BECKETT
Played by Madeline Smith

SIR GEOFFREY
Played by Ronnie Barker

EDWARD
Played by Ronnie Corbett

JIM SOAKES
Played by Ronnie Barker

ARNOLD NADGER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MR. WILLIAM MACMASTER
Played by Ronnie Barker

MRS. ANGELA MACMASTER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

CORPORAL CLARK
Played by Ronnie Barker

CAPTAIN FEATHERSTONE
Played by Ronnie Corbett

PIERRE
Played by Ronnie Barker

TOULOUSE LAUTREC
Played by Ronnie Corbett

KEYHOLE
Played by Ronnie Barker

LORD DOOMSDAY
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MR. SAMUEL D. GOLDBERG
Played by Ronnie Barker

DONALD FAIRCHILD, JR.
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MRS. BECKETT
Played by Ronnie Barker

MR. BECKETT
Played by Ronnie Corbett

SELF
Played by Ronnie Barker

SELF
Played by Ronnie Corbett

The Two Ronnies - Series 2 (1972)

DONE TO DEATH

(1972)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 47
Episode Average: 5.88
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1
DONE TO DEATH
Originally broadcast: 16 September 1972

Piggy reads about a murder in the newspaper, a decision's made that means a trip to the country, and there's a second murder during an unusual gathering.

"It's all right. Bring me a buttered bun, would you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2
VIEWING THE BODY
Originally broadcast: 23 September 1972

Charley questions Agatha, Piggy gives Blanche the once over, and there's an explosion in the outhouse.

"Blanche, suddenly tired, and not quite knowing what to do next, lay on the bed and smoked. Malone, suddenly not tired and knowing exactly what to do next, stood by the door and steamed."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
Originally broadcast: 30 September 1972

Piggy and Charley head for the golf course, the doctor avoids questioning, and Blanche brings news of another death.

"Answer that, it may be the phone."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4
BLOOD WILL OUT
Originally broadcast: 7 October 1972

Charley heads off to talk to Hairy Jack, Piggy gets tide up on the beach, and the gardeners get planted.

"Do you mean he could be a woman in disguise?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5
DEAD MEN'S SHOES
Originally broadcast: 14 October 1972

Blanche points the finger, Piggy gets hungry while on surveillance, and Otto tries to kidnap Brenda.

"And what was Blanche doing in the woods? Had she gone there simply to pick her nosegay?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6
NO FLOWERS BY REQUEST
Originally broadcast: 21 October 1972

A warning arrives in the shape of a letter, efforts are made to protect Blanche, and Charley designs an early warning system.

"Of course not. It stands to reason, chief. I mean, goodness me, if she continued to ignore these letters, she'd be forced to kill herself."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7
TWO FLIES IN HER PARLOUR
Originally broadcast: 28 October 1972

Piggy and Charley struggle to get to grips with the case, suspicion falls on the only member of the family left alive, and a crash in the bathroom brings one final surprise.

"Anyway, I don't wanna sleep next to you, not while you're wearing that nightie."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8
THE FINAL ACT
Originally broadcast: 4 November 1972

Charley has a near miss, Piggy sets a trap, and a pretty girl proves to be too much of a distraction.

"Not my shoelaces, you damn fool!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

CHARACTERS

PIGGY
MALONE
Played by Ronnie Barker

CHARLEY
FARLEY B.A.
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MISS WHIZZER
Played by Sally James

PROFESSOR AMOS BRIMSTONE
Played by Ronnie Corbett

LADY AGATHA BRIMSTONE
Played by Ronnie Barker

BILLY BRIMSTONE
Played by Ronnie Corbett

BRENDA BRIMSTONE
Played by Diane Keen

UNCLE JOE BRIMSTONE
Played by Ronnie Barker

NELLY TREMBLER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

OTTO VAN DANCER
Played by Ronnie Barker

PIKE, THE BUTLER
Played by Jerold Wells

DOCTOR GRIST
Played by Ronnie Corbett

BLANCHE BRIMSTONE
Played by Sue Lloyd

GARDENER
Played by Ronnie Barker

GARDENER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

HAIRY JACK
Played by Ronnie Barker

The Two Ronnies - Series 3 (1973)

A selection of movie spoofs replace the serial for this series.

The Two Ronnies - Series 4 (1975)

DEATH CAN BE FATAL

(1975)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 51
Episode Average: 6.38
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1
DEATH CAN BE FATAL
Originally broadcast: 2 January 1975

Piggy struggles to get to grips with fishing, a frogman delivers a note, and Charley worries about his chicken.

"No, no. Floats that sink, that's a contradiction in terms, isn't it? I mean, sinks don't float, do they?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2
PASSAGE TO MARSEILLE
Originally broadcast: 9 January 1975

A dangerous clumsy drug is undermining authority, Piggy and Charley are tasked with finding the formula, and P turns out to be for Poison.

"Do... Er... Do... Park yourselves somewhere, won't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3
INTO THE WEB
Originally broadcast: 16 January 1975

Piggy tries to save money, a pair of shoe polishers discuss their mission, and Madame Cocotte makes an impression.

"Not as friendly as you got this afternoon, I bet. You've been squashed together in there all through the flight? So she was the excess baggage they charged me for."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4
A DRUG ON THE MARKET
Originally broadcast: 23 January 1975

Charley discovers a note, the hotel is searched for clues, and Piggy finds nothing.

"I'm busy. I've other things to do. I must get to the bottom of this. Miss Ginsberg, get those knickers down at once!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5
FORK RIGHT FOR DISASTER
Originally broadcast: 30 January 1975

Charley tries to get information from Madame Cocotte, cunning disguises are used at a fancy dress party, and two waiters prepare a cake.

"Of course you get an odd feeling, looking at a map on a pair of knickers."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6
THE BITER BIT
Originally broadcast: 6 February 1975

Piggy becomes very clumsy, Charley finds another note, and the only candidates for a dance look a bit rough.

"Come on, let's go. I've had a bellyful of this place."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7
THE VILLA OF VILLAINY
Originally broadcast: 13 February 1975

Piggy and Charley get tied up, Madame Cocotte reveals the truth about her knickers, and a villain meets his maker.

"He's a little exhausted rat! Upstairs with you pandering to his foibles. Me down here sitting on me own. You're doing well."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8
DOUBLE EXPOSURE
Originally broadcast: 20 January 1975

The detectives give chase when the formula threatens to escape their grasp, Piggy ruffles feathers, and a new menace threatens the country.

"Ooh, la-la! I haven't fought like that since the office party."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

CHARACTERS

PIGGY
MALONE
Played by Ronnie Barker

CHARLEY
FARLEY
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MISS WILLOW
Played by Jacki Piper

MR. GREENSLEEVES
Played by Ronnie Barker

BOBJOB
Played by Ronnie Corbett

PERSON OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN
Played by Ronnie Barker

PERSON OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MADAME COCOTTE
Played by Cyd Hayman

MONSIEUR PHILIPPE
Played by Arnold Diamond

MISS GINSBERG
Played by Jo Peters

The Two Ronnies - Series 5 (1976)

THE PHANTOM RASPBERRY BLOWER
OF OLD LONDON TOWN

(1976)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 66
Episode Average: 8.25
Perfect 10's: 3

S5E1
THE PHANTOM RASPBERRY BLOWER
OF OLD LONDON TOWN
Originally broadcast: 4 September 1976

A mysterious visitor leaves a calling card at 10 Downing Street, two policemen try to interview the unfortunate butler, and the road to the Embankment seems strangely longer than usual.

"I realise I'm pressing you, Nurse, but it must be obvious that I have very little alternative."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2
THE WIND OF CHANGE
Originally broadcast: 11 September 1976

The flame of passion gets blown out, Corner and Bowles study the chain of events, and the Phantom strikes again at the Houses of Parliament.

"First take the scene at Number 10,
The butler answered the door,
When the attacker produced his card,
He collapsed to the floor,
When the assailant left,
He made a most peculiar noise,
He shocked a duchess, a man on crutches,
And three small boys."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3
THERE SHE BLOWS
Originally broadcast: 18 September 1976

A duchess falls victim to the Phantom, the only suspect proves difficult to identify, and Queen Victoria is stunned by a familiar sound.

"It's very difficult to tell. Very difficult. They all look so alike."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4
AN ILL WIND
Originally broadcast: 25 September 1976

More reports of the Phantom come in, the police listen intently to a possible lead, and Corner and Bowles go out in search of Dick.

"A don't know, sir. It says 'Cobblers to the Queen'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5
BLOW OUT
Originally broadcast: 2 October 1976

An idea to protect the monarch is brought into force, six decoys are drafted in, and the government call an emergency meeting.

"And the fifth and sixth ones fell in love, and lived happily ever after."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6
INHERIT THE WIND
Originally broadcast: 9 October 1976

A professor records something interesting while out on Hampstead Heath, Bowles joins Corner in the loony bin, and the Phantom sends a note to the police.

"Good. Then we'll go alone together."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7
A BLOW FOR FREEDOM
Originally broadcast: 16 October 1976

A sighting leads back to the asylum, Bowles doesn't feel himself again, and Corner has a fright in the graveyard.

"And if he thinks I'm daft enough to believe he's mad, he's crazy."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8
THE FINAL BLOW
Originally broadcast: 23 October 1976

Inpector Corner chases the villain around the world, good news comes in from Crystal Palace, and Corner gives the Phantom the horn.

"Hooray! Three chhers for the grey, white and black!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHARACTERS

SERGEANT
BOWLES
Played by Ronnie Barker

INSPECTOR
CORNER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

MR. BUTLER, THE BUTLER
Played by Ronnie Barker

HEATHCLIFF
Played by Ronnie Barker

MR. DISRAELI
Played by Ronnie Barker

QUEEN VICTORIA
Played by Ronnie Corbett

PRINCE EDWARD
Played by Ronnie Barker

SIR DODDINGTON DIDDLE
Played by Ronnie Barker

JOHN BROWN
Played by Ronnie Barker

THE PRIME MINISTER
Played by Ronnie Corbett

LUDWIG VON KOCH
Played by Ronnie Barker

LORD PETER
Played by Ronnie Barker

DULCIE
Played by Carol Hawkins

PATIENT
Played by Ronnie Barker

PATIENT
Played by Ronnie Corbett

DOCTOR
Played by Ronnie Barker

PATIENT
Played by Ronnie Corbett

DOCTOR
Played by Ronnie Barker

PATIENT
Played by Ronnie Corbett

DOCTOR
Played by Ronnie Barker

BANDLEADER
Played by Ronnie Barker

The Two Ronnies - Series 6 (1977)

STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME

(1977-1978)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 55
Episode Average: 6.88
Perfect 10's: 0

S6E1
STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME
Originally broadcast: 12 November 1977

The bodies of yokels are being dumped all around London, a connection sees the two detectives heading for Devon, and an attempt to save money has Charlie in very short trousers.

"My search was completely fruitless. All the greengrocers were shut."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2
THE SMELL OF THE COUNTRY
Originally broadcast: 26 November 1977

Piggy and Charlie have to wait for a taxi, the need for somewhere to stay leads them to a farmhouse, and there are surprise visitors to both rooms.

"You want Lower Drake's Bottom or Upper Drake's Bottom?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3
THE FROZEN STIFF
Originally broadcast: 3 December 1977

A Gypsy girl visits with a warning, Piggy discovers that he has a more satisfying portion, and Charlie checks out the local churchyard alone.

"Yeah, price of rump steak today, she's sitting on a fortune."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4
THE GYPSY'S WARMING
Originally broadcast: 10 December 1977

A feeling of being watched requires further investigation, Piggy falls under the spell of the Gypsy girl, and Charlie builds a ghost trap.

"It's big and it's black and it's furry and I be afraid of it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5
GETTING THE WIND UP
Originally broadcast: 17 December 1977

The farmer tells of man traps at the manor house, the farmer's wife shows off her not-so-smalls, and even stranger things are seen in the churchyard.

"Just hang this there. Thank you. You're an angel."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6
A TOUCH OF THE FARMERS
Originally broadcast: 26 December 1977

The Gypsy girl identifies a mystery man, Piggy and Charlie try to blend in with their surroundings, and the Lady of the Manor cries with laughter.

"Here, what are you rushing about like that for? You'll frighten the birds."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7
A BREATH OF SCANDAL
Originally broadcast: 2 January 1978

Binoculars get Piggy into trouble, several district nurses are seen leaving the church, and further investigation leads to a surprise discovery.

"Yeah. Perhaps she's been cutting the vicar's corns ready for the harvest festival."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E8
TOO LATE NURSE
Originally broadcast: 7 January 1978

The detectives are involved in a low-speed pursuit, a gang of nurses get carried away, and Charlie wonders about payment for the case.

"I'm so... so sorry. That was... I thought you was a man."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

CHARACTERS

PIGGY
MALONE
Played by Ronnie Barker

CHARLIE
FARLEY
Played by Ronnie Corbett

FARMER'S WIFE
Played by Janet Webb

FARMER
Played by Sydney Bromley

LUCY LEE
Played by Kate O'Mara

LADY OF THE MANOR
Played by Rowena Cooper

FOREMAN
Played by Michael Redfern

The Two Ronnies - Series 7 (1978)

THIS IS NOT SO MUCH A SERIAL, AS A SERIES OF SKETCHES WITH THE SAME CHARACTERS

SID AND LILY, GEORGE AND EDIE

(1979-1980)
7 episodes
Serial Score: 51
Episode Average: 7.29
Perfect 10's:

S7E1
SID AND LILY, GEORGE AND EDIE
Originally broadcast: 26 December 1978

Lily recalls when Sid first connected with her, Edie wonders about male leanings, and George talks about what turns a woman on.

"But, you see, if women have got more erosive zones than they're entitled to, then they could get out of control, they could become a rumpomaniac, see?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2
ARGENTINIAN RACING PIGEON
Originally broadcast: 1 January 1979

George gets into trouble in Clacton, Lily and Edie head for Brighton, and Sid buys a racing pigeon.

"See, it'll be like water off an Argentinian racing pigeon's back."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3
ILL WINDS
Originally broadcast: 6 January 1979

Lily's worried about being recognised on windy days, Sid's looking for his crash helmet, and George is in bed with indigestion.

"Yeah, but this is probably measured in inches. I'm centigrade now, aren't I?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4
SPECS ON THE BEACH
Originally broadcast: 13 January 1979

Edie plans to spend time with an old flame, George ends up in Brighton by accident, and Sid's on an anniversary promise.

"Yeah, I thought that to myself. I thought to myself, 'He's not here, chances are he's somewhere else'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5
THE PASSING OF SID
Originally broadcast: 20 January 1979

Lily and Edie discuss the erotic sides of their husbands, George tries to make contact with the dark side, and Sid returns a borrowed camera.

"You see, I mean, a lot of people are very septic about all this, but I know a bit about the supernational, you see, because I once studied to be an average."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6
THE PASSING OF GEROGE
Originally broadcast: 27 January 1979

Edie puts George's body in the shed, Lily calls to collect something she left behind, and Sid reveals his knowledge of the night sky.

"Well, that's why they're called UFOs, isn't it, eh? Up Froo 'Oles."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7
EPISODE SEVEN
Originally broadcast: 3 February 1979

Sid, Lily, George and Edie do not appear in this episode.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E8
THE UNKNOWN WARRIORS
Originally broadcast: 10 February 1979

Lily and Edie discuss energy levels, knee problems mean a trip to the doctors, and Sid and George talk about their time in the war.

"I'll tell you something. I used to know... I used to know... the Unknown Warrior."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

CHARACTERS

SID
Played by Ronnie Corbett

LILY
Played by Ronnie Barker

GEORGE
Played by Ronnie Barker

EDIE
Played by Ronnie Corbett

The Two Ronnies - Series 8 (1980)

THE WORM THAT TURNED

(1980)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 60
Episode Average: 7.5
Perfect 10's: 0

S8E1
PART ONE
Originally broadcast: 1 November 1980

The Commander doesn't want to give men their trousers back, the latest production needs a lead, and Janet worries about his chauvinistic film collection.

"No, he's a great chap, Greta. He'd give you the dress off his back if you asked."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2
PART TWO
Originally broadcast: 8 November 1980

The police are looking for a petty criminal, Janet hosts a movie night, and Betty spots a suspicious looking character in the audience.

"Dead? She was only shot in the backside. You can't die of a shot in the backside."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3
PART THREE
Originally broadcast: 15 November 1980

Janet gets caught dusting in an inappropriate fashion, a body turns up at auction, and Betty's wife threatens to report him to the state police.

"I've just split my knickers."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E4
PART FOUR
Originally broadcast: 22 November 1980

Janet explains the details of a mission at Barbara Castle, Betty has problems with two stray passes, and cleaning ladies leave a mess in the records office.

"There, that's all right. I'll leave the rest. It's only money, isn't it? I've got piles. Which reminds me, I wouldn't sit there too long on that cold pavement."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E5
PART FIVE
Originally broadcast: 29 November 1980

Janet and Betty prepare to escape to the country, the state police search for the fugitives, and a pantomime costume provides the perfect hiding place.

"I'd like to have seen her face when she groped round my udders and I handed her this through a flap in the back."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E6
PART SIX
Originally broadcast: 6 December 1980

The police sergeant causes amusement, a trap snares the wrong target, and Betty encounters someone from his childhood while working in a pub.

"I used to see you when I was on my way back from cricket, in your frilly netball skirt."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E7
PART SEVEN
Originally broadcast: 13 December 1980

Betty prepares for some fun in the bubbles, Janet warns of impending danger, and Wales seems like the only way out.

"She's been picked up so often, she's started to grow handles."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E8
PART EIGHT
Originally broadcast: 26 December 1980

A need for something new leads to the dress shop, Janet makes sure her mouse can make the journey, and things don't go to plan at the border.

"Yes, men always wear them. Women tend to go for a leek at weddings."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

CHARACTERS

JANET
CARTWRIGHT
Played by Ronnie Corbett

BETTY
CHALMERS

Played by Ronnie Barker

COMMANDER
Played by Diana Dors

CHERYL
Played by Reginald Marsh

SUSAN
Played by John Owens

STATE POLICE SERGEANT
Played by Jenny Logan

UNDERCOVER POLICEWOMAN
Played by Carol Gillies

DIANA
Played by Michael Nightingale

JACK
Played by Wanda Ventham

The Two Ronnies - Series 9 (1981)

BAND OF SLAVES

(1981-1982)
8 episodes
Serial Score: 39
Episode Average: 4.88
Perfect 10's: 0

S9E1
EPISODE ONE
Originally broadcast: 5 December 1981

Charley meets a beggar who's broken his false teeth, a woman reports the disappearance of members from her all-female orchestra, and a mysterious blind man joins them as they take to the ocean waves.

"The last one to go was my alto saxophonist, a wonderful girl, devoted to her work. Sax-mad she was."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E2
EPISODE TWO
Originally broadcast: 12 December 1981

Another member of the orchestra disappears, a suggestion of poisoning take Piggy and Charley to the bar, and a change of clothes is needed as the investigation moves on.

"Well, we're in a reciprocal... We're in a... a reciprocal... situation. He can talk, but he can't walk. I can walk, but I can't... Well, I can't talk. So between us, neither of us can do both."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E3
EPISODE THREE
Originally broadcast: 19 December 1981

Charley tries to get some samples from the refreshment area, Piggy hits the bar in search of a human guinea pig, and a business card points to the Chinese quarter.

"Oh, my legs are dropping off. What I really need is a screwdriver."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E4
EPISODE FOUR
Originally broadcast: 25 December 1981

The meaning of the numbers on the business card becomes clear, two of the missing musicians turn up in a restaurant, and Piggy has a snack while hiding.

"Funny place to have a shower. In the wardrobe."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E5
EPISODE FIVE
Originally broadcast: 2 January 1982

The kidnapped girls are moved to a villa, an escapee asks Piggy and Charley for help, and there's a warning about a mad Scotsman who thinks he's Rabbie Burns.

"Keep you mind upon your wires,
And sublimate your base desires,
I'll smash your brain in all directions,
If I catch you making loose connections."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E6
EPISODE SIX
Originally broadcast: 9 January 1982

Piggy's given a happy time at the villa, Charley attracts the attention of the housekeeper, and a trip to Hong Kong sees the girls flown to London.

"I scared seven kinds of fried rice out of him."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E7
EPISODE SEVEN
Originally broadcast: 16 January 1982

A group of bandits is gathered on Chang Fang Wang's order, Charley's disguise is fooling nobody, and the detectives head to a safari park for dinner.

"Good Lord, good gracious, too!
What ho, what now, and how are you?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E8
EPISODE EIGHT
Originally broadcast: 23 January 1982

Piggy and Charley make a break for it, Suzy and Mrs. Bumstead attempt to rescue the kidnapped girls on the ship bound for Hong Kong, and the mysterious blind man reveals himself.