British Comedy: My Family

Years: 2000-2011
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Ian Brown, James Hendrie,
Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida, Brian Leveson,
Paul Minett, Andrea Solomons, Fred Barron,
Darin Henry, Tom Anderson, David Cantor,
Ed Dyson, George Jeffrie, Bert Tyler-Moore,
Sophie Hetherington, Tom Leopold, Andrew Kreisberg,
Robin Taylor, Amy Shindler, Penny Croft,
Shawn Schepps, James Cary, Tess Morris,
Georgia Pritchett, Dan Staley
Stars: Robert Lindsay, Zoë Wanamaker
Episodes: 120
Episode Average: 6.445*

BEST EPISODES:
Bliss for Idiots (2006), Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2000)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(2000)
8 episodes
Series Score: 65
Episode Average: 8.13
Perfect 10's: 2

S1E1

SERPENT'S TOOTH

Originally broadcast: 19 September 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan reluctantly welcomes a rabbit into the family, Janey spots a picture of Nick's internet girlfriend in a fashion magazine, and Ben's shocked to learn that his wife has cheated on him with another dentist.

"Michael, could you put that rabbit away, please. You're giving me the creeps. You look like a Bond villain."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

PAIN IN THE CLASS

Originally broadcast: 26 September 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick decides that he wants to become a dot com millionaire, Janey tries to get permission from her parents to get a tattoo, and Susan invites a couple around for a chat about their son's behaviour.

"Yes, he's flying alright, he's flying over my son and crapping custard!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

DROIT DE SEIGNEUR BEN

Originally broadcast: 3 October 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Fred Barron, Shawn Schepps

Janey isn't best pleased when she's set up for a blind date by her dad, Nick needs help paying for a model for his new career as an artist, and Ben tries his best to understand what the hell goes on in opera.

"Has she clipped her personal topiary into the shape of a duck?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

THE LAST RESORT

Originally broadcast: 10 October 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida,
James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan's birthday means that she has to worry about hitting 40 again, Janey's suggestion of a romantic weekend leads back to the honeymoon hotel, and Ben finds himself getting a little too close to other guests.

"I think Joan means that she and Peter prefer to suck it and see."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

FAREWELL TO ALARMS

Originally broadcast: 17 October 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Brigitte claims that her van's been stolen from outside the Harper house, Nick's latest business brainwave leaves his dad facing an intruder, and the whole family suffer when Susan decides to install a burglar alarm.

"Sorry, what is the proper attire for confronting criminals? Shall I wear a tie?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

DEATH TAKES A POLICY

Originally broadcast: 24 October 2000
Directed by: Jay Sandrich, Baz Taylor
Written by: Fred Barron, Penny Croft

Susan looks into a discrepancy on a tour guide headcount, Janey begs her parents to let her have the latest fad in underwear, and Nick gives Ben the perfect reason to invest in life insurance.

"Yes, but he gave me nothing. Dad has bigger breasts!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

AWKWARD PHASE

Originally broadcast: 30 October 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Fred Barron

Michael struggles to pick the right cushion when his brother offers advice about girls, Susan demands that Ben share some of his fatherly wisdom, and Janey defies her mother by buying a pair of designer jeans.

"Yeah, well, anyone can fix something that's broken, Michael. It takes a genius to fix something that works."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E8

MUCH ADO ABOUT BEN

Originally broadcast: 7 November 2000
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

An attempt to spice things up in the bedroom end with a trip to the hospital, Brigitte offers Ben a book written by a part-time guru, and Susan's yoga teacher struggles to deal with stress in her own life.

"Yes, in our house, the food we eat is the source of stress."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES TWO

(2001)
13 episodes
Series Score: 105
Episode Average: 8.08
Perfect 10's: 3

S2E1

ALL ROADS LEAD TO RAMON

Originally broadcast: 31 August 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Finding the right dental assistant seems to be an impossible task, Susan accidentally gives a Nick a job as a tour guide, and Ben discovers that his daughter doesn't like being called a prostitute.

"Oh, yeah, I'll be surprised. There'll be bats flying out of my arse."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THE UNKINDEST CUT

Originally broadcast: 31 August 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

An announcement from Susan puts Ben firmly in panic mode, Janey acts quickly when she's woken by an intruder in her room, and Nick's caught practising his knife skills in the early hours of the morning.

"Babies are fine. Babies are lovely. You know, but can you really trust them? You know, when they look at you with their cute little eyes, you know what they're really thinking? They're just sizing you up, looking for weak spots. First they learn to talk only so they can answer back, and then they learn to walk so that they can walk into shops and walk out having spent your money, and then they're off to school where they collect friends so that they learn to hunt in packs. Then finally when they're old enough to fly the nest... they don't!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

PARISIAN BEAUTY

Originally broadcast: 14 September 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Janey soon regrets inviting a foreign exchange student to stay, Ben comes to the conclusion that he's irresistible to the young house guest, and Mikey experiences strange changes when forced to switch rooms.

"I'm being difficult? Not only do you insist on my watching this drivel, but you actually want me to enjoy it. You're a pleasure fascist."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

TRUST NEVER SLEEPS

Originally broadcast: 21 September 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan finds Janey's diary only to discover that there are trust issues, Ben's horrified when he's left out of a decision about a party, and a bit of harmless spying leads to a desperate need for a pee.

"Oh, I see, that's how it works. A for French. P for Party. N for no."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

DEATH AND BEN TAKE A HOLIDAY

Originally broadcast: 28 September 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Fred Barron

Ben has to choose which of the kids to take with him to a funeral, Nick's knowledge of the alphabet comes in handy for pulling a chambermaid, and Stupid Brian's miracle cure has a strange effect on Susan.

"Oh, what a lovely colour scheme. Every possible shade of cack."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

DRIVING MISS CRAZY

Originally broadcast: 5 October 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Janey needs someone to help her practice for her driving test, complaints come in from next door about the state of the garden, and a visit from a television research team makes matters even worse.

"Why can't people control their animals, huh? How would Mr. Casey like it if I sent Nick over to crap on his lawn?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

I SECOND THAT EMULSION

Originally broadcast: 12 October 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick makes a nuisance of himself after buying a piano tuning kit, Ben finds himself standing alone when he speaks to Janey about Brian, and a trip to the DIY shop turns out to be a very expensive mistake.

"Look, they've just paid someone to come up with five different names for beige."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8

AGE OF ROMANCE

Originally broadcast: 19 October 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Janey feels neglected when Michael gets a new computer, Ben struggles with the idea of having a heart-to-heart with his son, and Susan discovers something worrying about Nick's much older girlfriend.

"'Qat', 'qat', 'q-at'. Making a right qat of m... Stupid dictionary."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E9

GET CARTIER

Originally broadcast: 21 September 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Fred Barron

A cash-only patient leaves Ben feeling more than a little uneasy, Susan searches for the latest in a long line of terrible anniversary gifts, and Michael tries to cash in on a series of surprise deliveries.

"I've been waking with a horse's arse for years."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E10

'TIS PITY SHE'S A WHORE

Originally broadcast: 2 November 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan's not impressed when her mother announces that she's dying again, Michael's political leanings don't go down well with his father, and Ben fights for the Harpers when Janey finds out about a family secret.

"I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E11

THE LAST SUPPER

Originally broadcast: 9 November 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben finds himself having to pay an expensive taxi fare for an annoying dinner guest, Nick shocks Janey when he manages to score a date with a policewoman, and Susan tries to confess to the murder of her new boss.

"Love to help, mum, but I've got this fake limp."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E12

BEN WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

Originally broadcast: 16 November 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

A successful school acquaintance turns up at the surgery out of the blue, Nick tries to make money by selling himself piece-by-piece on Ebay, and Ben finds his financial judgement challenged by Susan... and Yoda.

"So, why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs? By the time she's my age, she'll have had so many facelifts, she'll have a beard."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E13

BREAKABLE

Originally broadcast: 2 November 2001
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan worries when Nick announces plans to start a motorcycle display team, Janey struggles to find anything enjoyable about her new job, and Ben's encouraged to show more affection towards his eldest son.

"There's some of Nick's clothes, there's some of your clothes, there's some of Michael's clothes. It's like Paris Fashion Week with skid marks."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES THREE

(2002)
13 episodes
Series Score: 109*
Episode Average: 8.38
Perfect 10's: 4
*not including Christmas special

S3E1

ABSENT VIXEN, CHEEKY MONKEY

Originally broadcast: 6 September 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Janey moves out of the family home when she heads for university, Ben and Susan do battle over who has the right to use the spare room, and Nick surprises everyone when he finally finds himself a proper job.

"Have you never heard of knocking? Well, everyone else seems to be stealing rooms in this house, we thought we'd join in. Sort of family thing."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

SHRINK RAP

Originally broadcast: 13 September 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Fred Barron, Sophie Hetherington

Michael hides a letter in the hope of avoiding embarrassment, Ben tries his best to avoid a patient with bad breath, and Susan's urge to bid on everything at an auction leads to uncomfortable therapy session.

"A personalised family headstone. I don't want to be buried with you lot. Living with you is bad enough."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

DESPERATELY SQUEAKING SUSAN

Originally broadcast: 20 September 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick comes up with a not very unusual name for his new career as a magician, Susan gets frustrated with not having a female to keep her company, and Ben's cousin(ish) smashes her way into the house.

"Yup, yup. Dr Nk, u r f'd."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

OF MICE AND BEN

Originally broadcast: 27 September 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Strange noises put paid to Ben and Susan's bedroom antics, Abi makes a nuisance of herself while making a film about a 'typical married couple', and Michael tries to prove that he's the one who pulls the strings.

"Why don't you stick your hand up my bum and I'll move my lips every time you squeeze my colon."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

IMPERFECT STRANGERS

Originally broadcast: 3 October 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben soon has reason to regret driving to Manchester to check on Janey, Susan comes up with an idea to put some excitement back in her marriage, and Michael lies to get Abi's boyfriend out of the house.

"Play your cards right, and I might snap your G-string."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE SECOND GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

Originally broadcast: 10 October 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan isn't happy when she misses out on a decent role in a play, Ben's toothache isn't helped when he discovers that his dentist has died, and Michael asks Abi to help him prove that he exists.

"I just came in to remind you to say your prayers."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

WAITING TO INHALE

Originally broadcast: 17 October 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Fred Barron

Michael's choice of female company meets with disapproval, Susan worries about making the wrong decision after finding a spliff, and Abi's attempts to point out the dangers of drug use fall on deaf ears.

"Oh, Susan... don't you love me no mo?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

MISERY

Originally broadcast: 24 October 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solmons

Susan makes a nuisance of herself when she turns up at Janey's university, Abi does her best to inflict pain on the men of the house, and Nick tries to make a career out of dressing up in his mum's clothes.

"No, since you arrived, I'm there so often they've got me chipping in for staff birthdays."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E9

AUTO EROTICA

Originally broadcast: 7 November 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan wants to spend a romantic anniversary weekend in Dorset, a lady won by Nick in a game of poker sets Ben's heart racing, and Abi catches Michael getting a little touchy-feely with her teddy bear.

"For God's sake, Ben. This is our bed, not the M40! Take those ridiculous things off!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E10

A HANDFUL OF DUST

Originally broadcast: 21 November 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben's hopes for a happy birthday are dashed when everyone listens to him, Nick decides there's money to be made from dressing up like a gorilla, and Janey brings a surprise of her own back from Manchester.

"Oh, no. My worst nightmare. Two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E11

THE LOST WEEKEND

Originally broadcast: 28 November 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben and Susan are delighted when they get the house to themselves for the weekend, plans for sex in every room prove to be a little ambitious, and differing ideas about what to do with the time cause friction.

"Hey, I can multitask. Look, eating crisps, watching the telly. Reading the paper. And... and... ignoring you."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E12

GHOSTS

Originally broadcast: 5 December 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Susan plots to get revenge for being stood up twenty-eight years ago, Ben struggles to care enough to feel even a tinge of jealousy, and Nick and Michael arrive to rid the house of evil spirits.

"Yeah. I always speed up for the cameras. That way I'll just be a blur."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E13

ONE FLEW OUT OF THE CUCKOO'S NEST

Originally broadcast: 12 December 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben flips out when he finds his record collection has been damaged, Nick has to borrow some romance when he invites a girl to his new flat, and Michael's efforts to get himself fit leave him unable to use his arms.

"Out of a whole bowlful of possible rights and wrongs, you were right one time. Ooh, where did it go?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2002)

SPECIAL

DING DONG MERRILY...

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2002
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Janey arrives home for the festivities with a surprise for her parents, Nick invites a lonely pensioner round for Christmas dinner, and Susan's sticky pages manage to turn most of her family vegetarian.

"I've already thought of a name. Tree Amigos. We've got branches everywhere!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES FOUR

(2003)
13 episodes
Series Score: 84*
Episode Average: 6.46
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including Christmas special

S4E1

FITTING PUNISHMENT

Originally broadcast: 21 March 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick forms a cooperative after starting a career in show business, Ben tries to put Roger off moving into the newly vacant practice upstairs, and Susan provokes the boiler fitter into walking out on the job.

"Crap mice. You put a cocktail stick in the end and you've got a little tail."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

THEY SHOOT HARPERS, DON'T THEY?

Originally broadcast: 28 March 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Roger can't work out how to make a move on Abi, Michael worries about a slide in his grades when he gets a B in Maths, and Susan has a change of heart after tricking Ben into going to a dance class.

"Susan, how could you? This class was meant to be something we did together. Now we're both doing it with Roger."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Originally broadcast: 4 April 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan's horrified when she finds a condom in Michael's wallet, Ben's horrified to discover that his mother-in-law is coming to stay, and Nick's horrified to discover that his pad isn't as roomy as he thought.

"Oh, yes. OK. Jolly good. I'll write it on the board. Dinner with the devil."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL PRAT

Originally broadcast: 11 April 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben manages to find the positive from news of his own suicide, a neighbour takes the opportunity to express his admiration for Susan, and redecorating Nick's old room proves to be somewhat of a headache.

"What are you doing to my surgery? Eh? You've turned it into the Tooth Fairy's shag pad!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

OWED TO SUSAN

Originally broadcast: 18 April 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Roger drops a bombshell when he reveals the truth about a love poem, Susan withdraws herself from the privileges list until things are put right, and Ben finds an unwanted admirer after signing up to a poetry class.

"Ben, could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

DELIVERANCE

Originally broadcast: 25 April 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Susan insists on travelling to Manchester to be there for the birth of their grandchild, thoughts turns to what happened when Nick was born, and Ben shows more interest in the rumblings in his own stomach.

"Come on, Susan! Push! Push, Susan! Push!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

BLIND JUSTICE

Originally broadcast: 2 May 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Susan goes blind after seeing something she shouldn't in Michael's room, Ben finds himself clashing with a bossy woman while on jury duty, and Nick's latest big idea proves to be somewhat of a nuisance.

"Don't his workmates have rights? Don't they have rights to be protected from sitting next to Mr. Stinky-Poo Pong from Smellbag City?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

FRIDAY THE 31ST

Originally broadcast: 9 May 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan goes overboard when she decorates the house for Halloween, Ben upsets a neighbour's son when he explains what happens when you die, and a gang of trick-or-treaters make a nuisance of themselves.

"You say that one more time and I'll stick your Nimbus 2000 in a place where witches don't fly."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E9

SITTING TARGETS

Originally broadcast: 16 May 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick tries to juggle having three girlfriends at the same time, Susan does her best to prove that she has the qualities to be a perfect grandmother, and Ben's encouraged to show an interest in Michael's hobbies.

"Nick gave me a couple of pointers in bed last night."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E10

LOCO PARENTIS

Originally broadcast: 23 May 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Michael's truancy sees his parents forced to attend a parenting class, Ben's overjoyed when Susan's approach is put under the spotlight, and Roger tries a new approach in his quest to win Abi's heart.

"For God's sake. It's 1:30. How am I supposed to push against my boundaries if I don't have any? Where's the challenge? It's like I'm Steve McQueen in The Great Escape except the Germans have let me out, given me a motorbike and an A-Z of Hamburg."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E11

CANARY CAGE

Originally broadcast: 30 May 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

A free holiday gets off to a bad start when Ben's suitcase goes missing, a trip to the shops ends in disaster when pickpockets strike, and the family next-door take offence to being photographed topless.

" Right, right. They've got washing powder here, right, just like we have; only it's called Fairy!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E12

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN

Originally broadcast: 6 June 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Georgia Pritchett

Ben upsets Abi when he agrees to be the best man for her father's fifth marriage, Susan stands firm when Michael refuses to wash the dishes, and Nick's tasked with arranging a stag night on a very tight budget.

"You won't get a beautiful girl jumping out of a cake for that price. You'll be lucky to get an ugly bird eating a scone."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E13

IT'S A WINDOW-FILLED LIFE

Originally broadcast: 13 June 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Fred Barron, Sophie Hetherington

Michael accidentally smashes a window with a sausage, Roger shuts the surgery when a patient is admitted to hospital with a contagious disease, and an elderly man saves Ben from committing suicide.

"You're not gonna believe this! I was getting off the bus when it started raining sausage. I have prayed for this day."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2003)

SPECIAL

SIXTY FEET UNDER

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2003
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

The Harpers get stuck on a tube train while out Christmas shopping, Michael goes out on a date with a girl from another carriage, and Nick's unusual Christmas purchase turns out to be a nice little earner.

"Oi, Richard, Richard... Can I have a P, please?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FIVE

(2004)
14 episodes
Series Score: 77*
Episode Average: 5.92†
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including specials
†based on 13 of the 14 episodes. Episode 1 was not included in the DVD release.

S5E1

RELOADED

Originally broadcast: 12 March 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

CLIP SHOW

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

THE MUMMY RETURNS

Originally broadcast: 19 March 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben has good reason for being unimpressed by Abi's choice of college course, Janey turns up at the front door and announces that she's no longer attending uni... versity, and Susan finds herself lying to the police.

"The bible group caught sight of them on the way out and a scuffle developed. Christians v Nudists. All sorts of things were flying about."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

YOU DON'T KNOW JACK

Originally broadcast: 26 March 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Janey's motives are questioned when she arranges a double-date with Abi, Ben finds a new friend when Michael does a deal with a cool kid, and Susan needs help when she fails to fend off unwanted advances.

"One step further, sonny, and I'll snap the head off your Action Man."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

WHAT'S UP, DOCKLANDS?

Originally broadcast: 2 April 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben and Susan agree to flat-sit for their friends, technology leaves them searching for everything from the instructions to the toilet, and attempts to have food delivered take them out into the desolate corridors.

"And looking not so far ahead, this African sculpture might make a handy weapon."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

This episode is highly rated, but we felt that we'd seen the flat-sitting idea done much better elsewhere, and this was just poorly executed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT

Originally broadcast: 16 April 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan and Ben argue about the best way to find Roger a girlfriend, Michael tries to plan for his future by having the house valued, and attempts to make Abi jealous prove to be very expensive.

"Yes, I'm having an affair with Mr. Hargreaves. He's gorgeous, I love him, we go to clubs and snog."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

FIRST PAST THE POST

Originally broadcast: 23 April 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben tries to match Roger's success at the Times crossword, Susan decides to run as a single issue independent councillor, and Michael's announcement that his pet tarantula has gone missing causes concern.

"Oh, street... That'll pull 'em in! Whoa! Vote for Susan Harper, your dog poo candidate! Michael, your own mother is standing on dog crap! It's a smear campaign."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

MY WILL BE DONE

Originally broadcast: 30 April 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

The death of a friend prompts Susan to look at online death predictions, Ben appoints a guardian for Michael and works on the details of his will, and Nick gets into trouble while working at the funeral parlour.

"I feel like death is staring me in the face."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

MY FAIR CHARLADY

Originally broadcast: 7 May 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben's delighted when Michael suddenly develops an interest in football, Abi tries to improve her vocabulary to get a job as a librarian, and Susan puts her own nose out of joint when she decides to hire a cleaner.

"Ah, football. A strategic contest of the metatarsally propelled orb."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E9

THE MOUTHTRAP

Originally broadcast: 14 May 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

A patient makes a worrying confession while under sedation, Susan gets a little carried away after watching too many episodes of Inspector Morse, and Ben pays Michael to talk to his mother about his love life.

"You haven't quite got the hang of this, have you? It's the suspect who needs an alibi, not the corpse."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E10

WHILE YOU WEREN'T SLEEPING

Originally broadcast: 21 May 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Darin Henry

Janey appoints herself as personal shopper for the whole family, Ben has to accept the truth when Susan records what he sounds like when he's sleeping, and Michael finds himself a little too close to his mother.

"You know the other night? Your mother secretly videoed me going at it while she was trying to sleep."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E11

DENTIST TO THE STARS

Originally broadcast: 28 May 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Cary

Susan responds to being sacked by reapplying for her job, Ben's delighted when a high-profile actor promises more famous patients, and Michael cashes in by renting out toilet facilities to a film crew.

"Is this National Get Your Family To Strap You To A Board And Bring You To Work Day?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E12

A WIFE LESS ORDINARY

Originally broadcast: 4 June 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Sophie Hetherington

A bored Susan decides to switch lives with her daughter for a week, Ben makes other arrangements until the nightmare is over, and Janey sends herself over the edge when she falls out with her fantasy husband.

"Parent's evening? Come on, Helen, not you as well? How many parents do they need? Let's party. I can't have fun being single on my own."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E13

THE BOOK OF LOVE

Originally broadcast: 11 June 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben finds himself with a dental assistant that he doesn't want, Susan refuses to admit that she was wrong about a book club invite, and Roger hits a streak of bad luck after buying Coldplay tickets for Abi.

"Look, she's using me as a cashpoint, and I don't like where's she's sticking the card."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E14

GOING DENTAL

Originally broadcast: 18 June 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Susan passes on the chance to go to a dental conference so she can write a novel, Janey refuses to go along with a plan to win a business partnership, and Roger steps in to stop Abi acting as a replacement.

"Right, he's gone too far this time. I don't mind being replaced as Ben's wife, but nobody, I repeat, nobody replaces me as his mistress."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2004)

SPECIAL

GLAD TIDINGS WE BRING

Originally broadcast: 24 December 2004
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons, James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Nick sends videos home to his parents begging for their help, Janey announces that she's marrying an older man after a visit to a psychic, and Michael wastes no time in trying to cash in on the whole thing.

"I can't bear to think of Janey giving herself to some old crinkly. It's bad enough I have to."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

COMIC RELIEF SPECIAL

(2005)

SPECIAL

THE ERRONEOUS STORM

Originally broadcast: 11 March 2005
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: James Hendrie, Ian Brown

Ben and Susan find their bedroom a little crowded during a storm.

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2005)

SPECIAL

...AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2005
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Janey reveals that Kenzo's father will be at his third birthday party, Ben discovers an expensive Christmas present in the wardrobe, and an attempt to save money sees Roger dressed up as Shingles the Clown.

"Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling. Look how much Charlie Chortle's charging."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES SIX

(2006)
7 episodes
Series Score: 40*
Episode Average: 5.71
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including Christmas special

S6E1

BLISS FOR IDIOTS

Originally broadcast: 10 March 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Susan's excited when a self-help guru decides to stay at the house, an upper-class patient invites Ben to join the Brotherhood of the Cockerel, and Roger finds that his limited Welsh does wonderful things to Abi.

"Serenity? Control? Listen, I want to tell you something. I didn't want to mention this before, but when you were in the kitchen, I overheard your blessed St. Buck completely lose his rag on the phone. Yes, it seems Pope Dalai Lama II is divorcing his poor wife and he's gonna put all his money in a dead donkey's bottom."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

THE SPOKES PERSON

Originally broadcast: 17 March 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson, George Jeffrie,
Bert Tyler-Moore, Tess Morris

Susan accidentally invites a competitive woman to a dinner party, Ben goes on local radio to complain about cyclists after a run-in with one, and Janey gets a shock when she meets a geeky kid from her childhood.

"He's a whizz in the kitchen. Yesterday he showed me how to tenderise my loins."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

DENTALLY UNSTABLE

Originally broadcast: 31 March 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Andrea Solomons

Janey gets involved with a womanising locum filling in for Ben, Susan's horrified to learn the truth when his wife pays a visit, and a local headmistress poses a threat to Michael's latest money-making scheme.

"There's something about looking into people's mouths eight hours a day that makes them bitter and twisted... and dead inside. Maybe that's just your father."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

LIVING THE DREAM

Originally broadcast: 7 April 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Tom Leopold

Janey insists that her parents should pay for Kenzo's private education, a trip to a boat show leads to dreams of owning a 32-footer, and Roger's new found wealth persuades Ben and Susan to join a pyramid scheme.

"I just remembered. It wasn't a whale's foreskin sofa. It was a four-seat sofa from Wales."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

AN EMBARRASSMENT OF SUSANS

Originally broadcast: 14 April 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben drops a bombshell when he announces that he's bought the house next door, Janey complains about how long it is since she last had sex, and Susan tries to set Michael up with a girl that looks just like her.

"Trust me, Susan. If you let this relationship go ahead, the only thing Michael's going to be able to make love to in ten year's time is one of your old dresses."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

AND OTHER ANIMALS

Originally broadcast: 21 April 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Tom Leopold

Susan's loneliness in an almost empty house is eased when a stray dog walks in, a charity shop donation turns out to be an expensive mistake for Ben, and Roger's shocked when Abi has doubts about his sexuality.

"He said he hasn't had your pizza, Mr. Harper. He doesn't even like pineapple."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

THE ART OF BEING SUSAN

Originally broadcast: 28 April 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Susan goes out to dinner with an art collector at the request of her boss, Abi's upset when she walks in on Roger proposing to another woman, and Grace is caught with more than her fair share of gentleman friends.

"Can I talk to you, you know, man to man? One Welsh love machine to another."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2006)

SPECIAL

THE HEART OF CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2006
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Ben pretends that he's ill to avoid yet another family Christmas, Michael and Alfie throw a party to test the pulling power of homebrew, and a series of misunderstandings make Christmas expensive for Janey.

"It tastes like 10 waif-like maidens are caressing your tongue. But don't get any on the table, it'll take the surface right off."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES SEVEN

(2007)
9 episodes
Series Score: 54*
Episode Average: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including Christmas special

S7E1

THE EGO HAS LANDED

Originally broadcast: 6 April 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Tom Anderson

Janey's shocked when Kenzo's father turns up on the doorstep, Susan's far from happy when a couple ask Ben to be their sperm donor, and Abi worries after dreaming about Roger being unfaithful to her.

"Susan. Susan! I need a ha... I need your help."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

FOUR AFFAIRS AND A FUNERAL

Originally broadcast: 13 April 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

A patient dies in the surgery after admitting to cheating on his wife, efforts are made to prevent wife and mistress finding out about each other, and Ben's lack of interest in the bedroom makes Susan suspicious.

"Firstly, I'm an unhappily, happily married woman. Secondly, you're going out with my daughter. And, thirdly, if you get that excited about a blurry photo, the real thing would kill you."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

ONCE MORE WITH FEELING

Originally broadcast: 20 April 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan suggests it might be time to renew the wedding vows, a chance to sit in the director's box at a football match causes a fixture clash, and Janey gets a shock when she tries to get Kenzo into a good school.

"...I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

DUTCH ART AND DUTCH COURAGE

Originally broadcast: 27 April 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

A driving test gives Michael his first taste of failure, Ben gets jealous when Susan goes on an art buying trip with a handsome millionaire, and Roger isn't happy when he discovers Abi getting pleasure from Alfie.

"Susan, I'm not gonna leave a message because I've left five messages already, which you haven't returned so obviously it's pointless me leaving another one, but if you get this, call me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E5

SUSAN OF TROY

Originally broadcast: 4 May 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Ed Dyson

Susan's horrified to discover that her mother got married while on holiday, Michael applies to go on a family edition of 'The Weakest Link', and Ben struggles to deal with a revelation about a wrestler in Vegas.

"Please, it's fine. You know, Susan, I know I've only made a few minor achievements over the years. I've helped raise three children, I've worked day in, day out at the surgery to put food on the table, but you know, my one big regret in life is that I've never managed to do any of these things whilst wearing tights and a big belt."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E6

ONE OF THE BOYS

Originally broadcast: 11 May 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: David Cantor

Janey needs money to buy a share in a retro fashion business, Roger's mother makes an impression when she travels from Wales to meet Abi, and Ben gets the shock of his life when his oldest friend pays him a visit.

"Look, all I'm trying to say is if you go through life with your head in the sand, all people will see is an arse."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

ABI EVER AFTER

Originally broadcast: 18 May 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: George Jeffrie, Bert Tyler-Moore

Alfie and Michael take a fancy to the same girl at the pre-wedding party, Ben finds himself firmly in the sights of his brother's ex-wife, and Abi has second thoughts when she worries she'll turn out like her mother.

"Why do they call them occasional tables? I wonder what they do for the rest of the time."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E8

BREAKING UP AIN'T HARD TO DO

Originally broadcast: 25 May 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Janey sets her sights on getting Kenzo a role in a cereal advertisement, Ben and Susan find themselves dragged into the marriage problems of their friends, and Michael tries to turn Alfie into an internet music star.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie. It's bad enough you called your album Butts Unplugged. You can't have a song called Bangor For Fun."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E9

LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY

Originally broadcast: 8 June 2007
Directed by: Dewi Humphreys
Written by: George Jeffrie, Bert Tyler-Moore

Susan's menopause gets her into trouble when she's caught shoplifting, Alfie pretends to be a top surgeon to impress a girl he meets in the park, and Ben shows himself up when he tries his hand at amateur law.

"Yes. This is important. You and mum are at an age now when your bodies are starting to change."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2007)

SPECIAL

HO HO NO

Originally broadcast: 26 December 2007
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Tom Anderson

Susan secretly plots to get everyone together for Christmas at a country hotel, Ben has trouble when a female patients starts stalking him, and Alfie struggles to cope with playing host to his crazy uncle.

"This is very easy to explain. This is my uncle Idris. And this is just a turkey we met under the massage table."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES EIGHT

(2008)
7 episodes
Series Score: 48*
Episode Average: 6.86
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including Christmas special

S8E1

THE PARENT TRAP

Originally broadcast: 11 April 2008
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Ben makes the most of a neighbours new plasma television, a religious couple visit when Michael gets their daughter pregnant, and Kenzo's dislike of a new playmate threatens his mother's relationship.

"I don't know how this could have happened. I mean... Michael wears rubber gloves to take the rubbish out."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E2

LET'S NOT BE HEISTY

Originally broadcast: 18 April 2008
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Ed Dyson

Ben and Janey walk in on a couple of bickering bank robbers, the self-appointed head-hostage does little to improve the situation, and Michael turns on the grief to get closer to a pretty Family Liaison Officer.

"See the game last night? They were robbed. No, I shouldn't have said that... I mean, not... Have you ever thought of wearing a mask?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E3

CARDS ON THE TABLE

Originally broadcast: 25 April 2008
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Susan worries when her psychic makes a grim prediction, Roger goes out for a night of drinking with the boys, and Ben tries to make back some of his losses by introducing a new player to his poker circle.

"Oh! What a night I had. Playing hold 'em with the guys. It's a card game."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E4

THE WAX JOB

Originally broadcast: 2 May 2008
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Susan's promotion means she has to prepare for an exhibition, Ben decides to retire so he can focus on painting military figures, and Michael and Alfie need relationship advice when they're forced to share a room.

"You touch that tractor, Mr. Harper, and you'll be out this window quicker than you can say Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E5

NEIGHBOUR WARS

Originally broadcast: 9 May 2008
Directed by: Baz Taylor
Written by: Darin Henry

Susan and Kenzo are away in Scarborough, the police decide to take no action when a neighbour ends up in hospital, and Ben's determined to prove the truth when the insurance company smell a scam.

"So, your name is... Stretch McGherkin?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E6

CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

Originally broadcast: 16 May 2008
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: David Cantor

Kenzo shows off what he's learnt at piano lessons, Michael and Alfie have to pretend to be each other after a profile error, and Susan has to find a way to tell Ben the truth about his old bandmates.

"I think 'sheet' music's being kind."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S8E7

THE ABI HABIT

Originally broadcast: 23 May 2008
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Tom Anderson

Ben and Susan decide that having no intimate contact will be better in the long run, Roger panics when Abi receives her calling from God, and Janey worries that her new boyfriend is too close to his mother.

"Oh! You are so selfish! Everything's always got to be about Janey. 'Oh, my name's Janey and I've got a new boyfriend!' Yeah, like anybody here gives a flying f..."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2008)

SPECIAL

HAVE AN UNHAPPY CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 24 December 2008
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

A half-price sale has Ben demanding a refund for an expensive necklace, a range of saucy wedding souvenirs find their way into a charity box, and the chance of a free holiday brings the worst out of everyone.

"It's a bit John and Yoko, really. Wow, Mrs. Harper has a lovely pair of... Oh, no, that's Mr Harper."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES NINE

(2009)
9 episodes
Series Score: 41*
Episode Average: 4.56
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including Christmas special

S9E1

BULLY FOR BEN

Originally broadcast: 2 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Paul Minett, Brian Leveson

Ben struggles to find something suitable to write in an anniversary card, Michael and Alfie hope to make money by filming a home video blooper, and a cheat in a pub quiz doesn't take kindly to being confronted.

"Peas for your nads."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E2

BRINGING UP JANEY

Originally broadcast: 9 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Amy Shindler

Michael worries about his family being interviewed by MI5, the discovery of a hotel key and note send Ben into a jealous rage, and Susan finds herself having to make a choice between love and money.

"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing. It's just normally when you go out on a date, your outfit's so tight we can see your kidneys."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E3

A VERY BRIEF ENCOUNTER

Originally broadcast: 16 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben's furious when he finds out the truth about the names of the kids, Roger learns Swedish to impress a girl who doesn't even exist, and Susan's friend needs to borrow a man to make her ex-husband jealous.

"It's not going to end well. When I was a boy I had an imaginary friend. I was devastated when I found out I had made him up."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E4

THE PSYCHE OF MIKEY

Originally broadcast: 19 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Ed Dyson

Michael causes worry when he reveals that he's seeing a therapist, Alfie has to choose between his current girlfriend and his ex, and an attack of conscience comes to late to prevent Ben and Susan from being locked in.

"What are you going to , pole vault into the filing cabinet?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E5

A DIFFICULT UNDERTAKING

Originally broadcast: 19 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Andrew Kreisberg

The death of an uncle only interests Ben when he hears there may be money involved, Janey struggles to give up the most comfortable part of a relationship, and a lost lottery ticket means a trip to the undertakers.

"Dad, this isn't Deal or No Deal. Just pick a box."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E6

DOG DAZED

Originally broadcast: 23 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben's overhears a conversation about adding another member to the family, Michael gets dumped by his girlfriend for being too clingy, and Susan gets the press involved when the local kennel turns her down.

"Isn't this house crowded enough? It's like the hotel in The Shining. Except it's never vacant and I don't get to go crazy and kill the family."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E7

IT'S TRAINING MEN

Originally broadcast: 30 April 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Robin Taylor

Ben's attitude problem sees him forced to attend a training course, Roger wants revenge on the person who replaced him as Bristle the Bear, and Janey, Michael and Alfie spend the night alone together.

"Well, let me tell you something about Cavitex, shall I, my dear? They are the dental equivalent of a fast-food service. It's only a matter of time before they have me selling super-sized fillings out of a drive-thru wearing a paper hat. Being American, I suppose that would appeal to you."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E8

THE GURU

Originally broadcast: 7 MAy 2009 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Darin Henry

A dedication in the autobiography of a celebrity dentist is met with confusion, Susan meets a handsome stranger while stranded at an airport in Albania, and Ben discovers that success isn't everything.

"God! Life is not about teeth. It's about me and I am so tired of being a sellout to third-rate floss companies. Well, the turn is worming."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S9E9

KENZO'S PROJECT

Originally broadcast: 14 May 2009
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Tom Anderson, Darin Henry

The Harpers try to help Kenzo with a school project about family, Roger talks of his experiences since marrying his way into the mayhem, and Alfie decides to tell his side of things through the medium of song.

"Kenzo, this house was always full of love and laughter."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2009)

SPECIAL

2039: A CHRISTMAS ODDITY

Originally broadcast: 24 December 2008
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Tom Anderson, David Cantor

The Harpers of the future look back to the disasters of Christmas past, Susan seems a little distracted when talking about moisturiser, and Roger's request to remember a traumatic incident are ignored.

"Stay out of this, fudge face."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

SERIES TEN

(2010)
7 episodes
Series Score: 31*
Episode Average: 4.43
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including Christmas special

S10E1

WHEELIE BEN

Originally broadcast: 9 July 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Amy Shindler

Ben cashes a disability cheque after trying to return it to the council, suggestions of prison see the situation spiral get out of control, and Janey had difficulty sleeping when Kenzo confiscates her teddy bear.

"And tell the what? That a paralysed man is aggressively hornpiping?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E2

THE SON'LL COME OUT

Originally broadcast: 16 July 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Tom Anderson

A drunken Michael blurts out the truth to his dad about his sexuality, Susan struggles to deal with the fact that he didn't tell her first, and Janey lets potato salad get the better of her while working as a carer.

"Two things. One, I don't need advice from a jumped-up-gob-jockey. And two, you carry on talking, and I'm going to knock teeth out of your mouth that you never knew you had."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 0
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E3

DESPERATELY STALKING SUSAN

Originally broadcast: 23 July 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Brian Leveson, Paul Minett

Susan receives a variety of expensive gifts on Valentine's Day, Ben discovers a shrine to his wife in a neighbour's house, and Janey finds herself a long way from home after getting hooked on energy drinks.

"Oh, my God, you want to talk to me?! First the gifts and now you want to talk to me? This is the best day of my life."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E4

THE MELBOURNE IDENTITY

Originally broadcast: 30 July 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Brian Leveson, Paul Minett

Talk turns to redecorating now as the kids have all flown the nest, Ben makes an urgent call to Australia when a backpacker turns up at the house, and Susan digs out her old diaries to prove a point.

"Oh, look, your sluttish daughter is on a date with your illegitimate son."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E5

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO BEN

Originally broadcast: 6 August 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Dan Staley

Ben goes out on the pull with Michael to prove he's irresistible, Susan's forced to step in when an admirer becomes a stalker, and Janey has to decide between a night out and a petition for a speed bump.

"Dad's standing there looking like a traffic cone, and everyone's avoiding the accident."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E6

SLAMMERTIME

Originally broadcast: 13 August 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: George Jeffrie, Bert Tyler-Moore

Ben's plans for relaxation are spoilt when the police knock on the door, an effort to eliminate him from enquiries lead to an identity parade, and two cellmates turn up at the house after doing a runner.

"Oh, no, no, no, come on. This is insane! I wouldn't mug someone. I'm a dentist. I can rob people legally."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S10E7

BEN BEHAVING BADLY

Originally broadcast: 27 August 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Tom Anderson

Janey reluctantly lets her father cover for her with one of her clients, plans of relaxation end when the old man disappears to the local strip club, and Roger gets a little carried away as he tries to get over Abi.

"Dad, I know you must have picked up a lot watching Mum raise us, but this guy is good. I went to the toilet once and he almost made it to the airport."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(2010)

SPECIAL

MARY CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 24 December 2010
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Brian Leveson, Paul Minett

Susan loses her Christmas spirit when her boss makes unreasonable demands, Santa Claus is asked to bring a warring family back together, and Ben hires Ainsley Harriot in an attempt to out-party Mr. Casey.

"What? That it's an overpriced rip-off and anyone stupid enough to celebrate it should be impaled on the end of their own Christmas tree?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

SERIES ELEVEN

(2011)
11 episodes
Series Score: 52
Episode Average: 4.73
Perfect 10's: 0

S11E1

JANEY'S CHOICE

Originally broadcast: 17 June 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Andrew Kreisberg

Ben's thrilled when Mark asks for permission to marry his daughter, Susan's delighted when Craig decides to ask for her blessing, and Roger gets completely the wrong idea about the right woman coming along.

"When did marriage have anything to with happiness? I guess I'm sleeping in the spare room, yeah?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E2

LABOUR PAINS

Originally broadcast: 1 July 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Darin Henry

Susan finds herself in competition with Janey for a television presenting job, Cavitex promote Ben in an effort to avoid a dispute over toilet breaks, and Michael shoots his boyfriend in the back of the head.

"Really? But he has no resources and he's barely human."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E3

ACCUSIN' SUSAN

Originally broadcast: 8 July 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Robin Taylor

Kenzo's upset when he gets a C on his school report, Susan's accused of sexual harassment after rejecting the advances of a colleague, and Michael decides to talk to his old art teacher about past differences.

"How could you say all those things about me? My name is all I have. And it's already spoilt because it's got Harper at the end of it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E4

GERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Originally broadcast: 15 July 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Ed Dyson

Michael has to act fast when his parents are promised an anniversary holiday, Ben and Susan are forced into quarantine at the airport, and a television antiques show is seen as the answer to money problems.

"Unless those are over 200 years old, I'm not interested, sweetheart."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E5

HARPER VS. HARPER

Originally broadcast: 22 July 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

A disagreement about an anniversary leads to talk of separation, Ben selfishly imposes himself on Roger's new relationship, and Susan wastes no time in trying to take control of Michael and Scott's flat.

"For example, where do you think you should stick this Yucca?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E6

RELATIONSHIP HAPPENS

Originally broadcast: 22 July 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Ed Dyson

An attempt to freshen things up means a visit to a couples retreat, Michael's annoyed when his boyfriend invites Janey along to a club, and Ben and Susan struggle to think of ten things they like about each other.

"I have to warn you, Susan. I'm resisting a sudden and overwhelming urge to break wind."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E7

'BOOKED

(FACEBOOKED)
Originally broadcast: 5 August 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Jim Armogida, Steve Armogida

Ben volunteers for a dental outreach programme in the Colombian rainforest, Susan gets into trouble with the police after meeting up with an old boyfriend, and Roger gets carried away while filling in for Ben.

"But I didn't know he was known. If I'd have known he was known, I would have known better, you know."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E8

A DECENT PROPOSAL

Originally broadcast: 12 August 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: David Cantor

Susan's shocked when her dead father turns up at her mother's funeral, Michael pretends that he's dying to win the affections of an undertaker, and a £2m offer to get divorced means a trip to see the solicitor.

"So the man who left his family, faked his own death, and changed his identity was a liar. Who saw that coming?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E9

DARTS ALL, FOLKS

Originally broadcast: 19 August 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Darin Henry

Ben finds himself kicked off a darts team in favour of a woman, Roger and his team of misfits offer a faint opportunity for revenge, and Susan's personal trainer seems to be more interested in financial gain.

"You've just found your last jolly, Roger."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E10

SUSAN FOR A BRUISIN'

Originally broadcast: 26 August 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: Darin Henry

Ben tests his cosmetic surgery skills on a variety of food items, Susan quits her job when she's asked to train up a younger replacement, and Janey loses out when her dad gives relationship advice to Kenzo.

"Ben, aerobics requires 20 minutes of cardio, not 20 seconds of your heavy breathing."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S11E11

A NIGHT OUT

Originally broadcast: 2 September 2011
Directed by: Ed Bye
Written by: David Cantor

Susan tries to sort things out when a bride-to-be is dumped on her hen night, Kenzo shows his grandfather who's boss when he locks him out of the house, and Roger meets his perfect woman while on a blind date.

"Excuse me. Are you looking for a Roger?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

BEN
HARPER

Played by Robert Lindsay
120 episodes (2000-2011)
in... My Fair Charlady (2004)

THE DENTAL ASSISTANTS

Played by
Daisy Donovan

Played by
Rupert Vansittart

Played by
Kris Marshall

Played by
Christopher Ryan

Played by
Daisy Haggard

Played by
Tricia Kelly

Played by
Steve Hope Wynne

Played by
Evie Garratt

Played by
Paul Trussell

Played by
Joanna Scanlan

Played by
Elizabeth Marmur

Played by
Archie Panjabi

Played by
Julie T. Wallace

Played by
Sandra Bee

Played by
Marian Pashley

Played by
Kirsty McLaren

Played by
Zoë Wanamaker

Played by
Mabel Aitken

Played by
Daniela Denby-Ashe

Played by
Virginia Thompson

Played by
Sheri-An Davis

SUSAN
HARPER

Played by Zoë Wanamaker
116 episodes (2000-2011)
in... Friday the 31st (2003)

NICK
HARPER

Played by Kris Marshall
47 episodes (2000-2009)
in... Driving Miss Crazy (2001)

JANEY
HARPER

Played by Daniela Denby-Ashe
95 episodes (2000-2011)
in... Glad Tidings We Bring (2004)

MICHAEL
HARPER

Played by Gabriel Thomson
115 episodes (2000-2011)
in... Sixty Feet Under (2003)

ABI
HARPER

Played by Siobhan Hayes
59 episodes (2002-2009)
in... an Embarrassment of Susans (2006)

ROGER
BAILEY

Played by Keiron Self
60 episodes (2002-2011)
in... ...and I'll Cry If I Want To (2005)

THE DENTAL ASSISTANTS

Played by
Michelle Gomez

Played by
Siobhan Hayes

ALFIE
BUTTS

Played by Rhodri Meilir
31 episodes (2005-2009)
in... Have an Unhappy Christmas (2008)

BRIGITTE
McKAY

Played by Daisy Donovan
7 episodes (2000)
in... Farewell to Alarms (2000)

"STUPID"
BRIAN

Played by Kevin Bishop
3 episodes (2001)
in... All Roads Lead to Ramon (2001)

HUBERT

Played by Alex Dawson
7 episodes (2003-2006)
in... Glad Tidings We Bring (2004)

GRACE
RIGGS

Played by Rosemary Leach
8 episodes (2003-2009)
in... The Art of Being Susan (2006)

Susan's mother also appeared in S2E10, but was credited as 'Rebecca',
and was played by Avril Elgar.