British Comedy: Big Train

Years: 1998-2002
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sketch
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Graham Linehan,
George Jeffrie, Bert Tyler-Moore, Peter Baynham,
Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders, The Cast, and others
Stars: Kevin Eldon, Mark Heap
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 6.917

BEST EPISODE:
Series 1, Episode 6 (1998)

BOLD = best sketches in episode

SERIES ONE

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 7.0
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 9 November 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Peter Baynham,
Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley, David Scott, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Can You Speak English --- Distracting Boss 1
Golden Skull 1 --- Stare Out 1 --- Golden Skull 2
Charge --- Anthrax --- Big J & Big D --- Stare Out 2
Distracting Boss 2 --- Funny Bird --- Chesham 101
Stare Out 3 --- Bee Gees --- Stare Out 4
Distracting Boss 3 --- Surgeon Phonecall --- Stare Out 5
Showjumpers & Firemen

"Tell you what. If you go down that way, about half a mile, there's a village. Erm, there might be somebody there that speaks English."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 16 November 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Peter Baynham, Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Hopeless PC 1 --- Stare Out 1 --- Jockeys Stampede
My Name is Paul --- Cat and Mouse --- Stare Out 2
Monks: Breast --- Office Morale --- Stare Out 3
Jockey's Safari --- Dummy Phone Call --- Stare Out 4
Minister: Train --- Minister: Cheque --- Wonderful Tonight
Dating Agency --- Postman Revenge --- Hypnotist
Stare Out 5 --- Prisoner

"Well, if the trains are going to be bigger, and the country is bigger, then won't we need a... a giant to push the train?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 23 November 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris,
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, The Cast

SKETCH:
Banana Boat Conference --- Dr. Jekyll: Potion --- Stare Out 1
Lifestyle Ad --- Tyrant at Home --- Nuns at Zoo --- Stare Out 2
Marriage Guidance --- Scientist: Snaps --- Tyrant at Hospital
Skunk Marathon --- Monks: Johnny --- Portaccio
Magician Pervert --- Learning to Cycle ---Stare Out 3
Gymnast

"Ooh. Very tart."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

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S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 30 November 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Mr. Chips --- Bully Jockeys --- Stare Out 1
Hitler Hospitality --- Monks: Bee --- Tour Guide
Boardroom --- Dr. Jekyll & Butler --- Police Artist 1
Stare Out 2 --- Police Artist 2 --- Dog Booking
Matter of Life --- Running Track --- Stare Out 3
Roundhead Singalong --- Prostitute --- Police Artist 3

"You know I could, David. I've had some girls in my time, maybe even loved a few, but give me a crusty old flyboy any day of the week."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 7 December 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Peter Baynham, Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Laughing Monks --- Pole Fireman --- Dinner Party
Stare Out 1 --- Rocket --- Hall & Oates 1 --- Big Dog
Boss Phobia --- Stare Out 2 --- Isolation Cell --- Hall & Oates 2
Assassin --- Policeman & Kid --- New Hotel Manager
Opinions --- Surgeons: Names --- Stare Out 3 --- Firing Squad
Undertaker --- Hall & Oates 3

"Well, perhaps in isolation it does sound strange, but I do intend to have a chain of hotels all called the Titz. But let me assure you that our will be the biggest Titz in the world."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 14 December 1998
Directed by: Graham Linehan, Christopher Morris
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Drawing Class 1 --- Stare Out 1 --- Drawing Class 2
Florence Nightingale --- Hopeless PC 2 --- George Martin 1
Car Conversation --- Romantic Auction --- George Martin 2
Freedom Pony --- Stare Out 2 --- Monks: Story
New Strain Scientist --- New Office Manager --- Car Journey
Stare Out 3 --- Chairman Mao

"So follow me! Follow in the hoofprints of my tiny pony for Scotland and for freedom!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES TWO

(2002)
6 episodes
Series Score: 41
Episode Average: 6.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 7 January 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders,
Ria Mathews, David Mitchell, Robert Webb, Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie, Paul Woodfull, Graham Linehan, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Giant Tortoise --- The Mum --- Scientists --- Cake Factory
Flamenco Dancer --- Duck Watch --- Ball Shop
Gladiator 1 --- Smug Man 1 --- Rebecca --- Smug Man 1 (cont)
Married Reference --- Van Morrison's Face --- Smug Man 2
Camille Palia --- Smug Man 3 --- Brown Body
French Cafe Traffic Lights --- Bad Surveillance

"Don't you quack at me! Take that bloody thing with you as well. Next time it won't be me. It'll be the swans, right?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

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S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 14 January 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Damien Corless, David Mitchell,
Robert Webb, Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie,
Graham Linehan, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Toiletries --- Balcony --- Catwalk 1 --- New Species
Fat Hands 1 --- Primal Scream --- Editing: Fight
Fat Hands 2 --- Laptop --- Hitchcock --- Editing: Kissing
Fat Hands 3 --- JJ & Potato Face --- Catwalk 2
Editing: Funeral --- Fat Hands 4 --- Street Magician
First Day at Work --- School Teacher --- Apocalypse Now
The Saint Fight --- Tim Bishop

"Look straight ahead, and whatever you do, don't give them any money."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 21 January 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Peter Baynham, Damien Corless, Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders, Martin Shea, James O'Neill,
Eamonn O'Neill, Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie,
Graham Linehan, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Tiger Appeal 1 --- Highwayman --- Weird Pub --- Rostrum Camera
Butterfly --- Tiger Appeal 2 - Daddy at Work
Werewolf: Bitchy --- Telegram --- French Cafe --- Tin Man 1
Lapel Badges --- Tin Man 2 --- Cartoonist --- Lost Child
Tin Man 3 --- Inner City Riots --- Tin Man 4 --- Teddy
Boxing --- Tin Man 5

"There's no more bog roll."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 28 January 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Chris Hayward, Nat Saunders,
James Serafinowicz, Martin Shea, James O'Neill, Eamonn O'Neill,
Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie, Paul Woodfull,
Graham Linehan, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Buddhist Monk --- Ralph McTell --- Bereavement
Archaeology 1 --- Future Cop --- Something Stronger
Pub Gone Quiet --- Mother Teresa --- Angry Serb
Archaeology 2 --- Look Forward To Working With You
Antiques 1 --- Taxi --- Zoo Audition --- Antiques 2
Puppets --- Archaeology 3 --- Baby Sitting --- Antiques 3
Dye Beard --- Visitors

"Oh, about my pension plan... I hope there aren't any strings attached."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 6

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S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 4 February 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Kevin Eldon, Chris Hayward,
Nat Saunders, Martin Hyder, Stephen Russell, George Jeffrie,
Bert Tyler-Moore, Graham Linehan, The Cast

SKETCHES:
Beefeaters: Gay --- Plate Spinning --- New Song
Soldiers' Dress --- Bombing --- History Lesson
Laser Treatment --- New Girlfriend --- Kwai Quickie
He's The One --- Paratroopers --- Office Robots --- Mein Kampf
Execution --- He's The One 2 --- Duck Broadcast
Noel Coward --- Bank Vault --- Laughing Scientists
Saint at a Party

"No, not at all. The thing is, there's a problem there. If we don't have our armour, we might get a bit chopped up."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 11 January 2002
Directed by: Jonathan Gershfield
Written by: Arthur Mathews, Ali Crockatt, David Scott,
Bert Tyler-Moore, George Jeffrie, Paul Woodfull, The Cast, Graham Linehan

SKETCHES:
Bed In --- Matchmaking --- Crimea --- Beautiful Soft Hands
Victorian Cinema Ad --- Lawrence of Arabia --- Proposal
Public Info Film: Men --- Sneeze --- This Is Your Life
Ministerial Visit --- Paratroopers: Tube --- Childless Couple
Face Paint --- Sandwich Research --- Football
Prime Suspect --- Creation of Life

"No, not a room, a womb."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

APPEARED IN 12 EPISODES

A FEW OF HIS CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Big J & Big D (S1E1 - 1998)
02. Cat and Mouse (S1E2 - 1998)
03. Portaccio (S1E3 - 1998)
04. Chairman Mao (S1E6 - 1998)
05. Mother Teresa (S2E4 - 2002)
06. Antiques 2 (S2E4 - 2002)
07. Public Info Film Men (S2E6 - 2002)
08. Creation of Life (S2E6 - 2002)

APPEARED IN 12 EPISODES

A FEW OF HIS CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Showjumpers & Firemen (S1E1 - 1998)
02. Gymnast (S1E3 - 1998)
03. Tyrant at Home (S1E3 - 1998)
04. Pole Fireman (S1E5 - 1998)
05. Flamenco Dancer (S2E1 - 2002)
06. Tin Man 1 (S2E3 - 2002)
07. He's The One (S2E5 - 2002)
08. Crimea (S2E6 - 2002)

APPEARED IN 12 EPISODES

A FEW OF HIS CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

05 - - 06

07 - - 08

01. Scientist: Snaps (S1E3 - 1998)
02. Hitler Hospitality (S1E4 - 1998)
03. Boardroom (S1E4 - 1998)
04. Assassin (S1E5 - 1998)
05. New Species (S2E2 - 2002)
06. Rostrum Camera (S2E3 - 2002)
07. Paratroopers (S2E5 - 2002)
08. Bed In (S2E6 - 2002)

APPEARED IN 7 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. Anthrax (S1E1 - 1998)
02. Hynpotists (S1E2 - 1998)
03. Hall & Oates 2 (S1E5 - 1998)
04. Opinions (S1E5 - 1998)

APPEARED IN 7 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. Office Morale (S1E2 - 1998)
02. Skunk Marathon (S1E3 - 1998)
03. Matter of Life (S1E4 -1998)
04. Florence Nightingale (S1E6 - 1998)

APPEARED IN 7 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. French Cafe Traffic Lights (S2E1 - 2002)
02. Zoo Audition (S2E4 - 2002)
03. Mein Kampf (S2E5 - 2002)
04. Matchmaking (S2E6 - 2002)

APPEARED IN 6 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. Hitchcock (S2E2 - 2002)
02. Boxing (S2E3 - 2002)
03. Noel Coward (S2E5 - 2002)
04. Prime Suspect (S2E6 - 2002)

APPEARED IN 6 EPISODES

A FEW OF HER CHARACTERS

01 - - 02

03 - - 04

01. Rebecca (S2E1 - 2002)
02. Fat Hands 1 (S2E2 - 2002)
03. Highwayman (S2E3 - 2002)
04. Baby Sitting (S2E4 - 2002)