British Comedy: You're Only Young Twice

Years: 1977-1981
Broadcaster: ITV (Yorkshire)
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine
Stars: Peggy Mount, Pat Coombs
Episodes: 31
Episode Average: 6.903*

BEST EPISODES:
The Birthday Girl (1977), Who's Calling? (1979)

*including specials

SERIES ONE

(1977)
7 episodes
Series Score: 53
Episode Average: 7.57
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

STRANGER IN PARADISE

Originally broadcast: 6 September 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Miss Milton's nursing policy forces an ill resident out of Paradise Lodge, the ladies compete for the right to move into her far superior room, and Flora recruits Cissie for a mission to get rid of an unwelcome new arrival.

"That's typical of Mildred Fanshaw, that is! Having designs on the poor woman's room with the things still warm in her drawers."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

RAISING THE ROOF

Originally broadcast: 13 September 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie gets it all wrong when the vicar asks for help with the church roof, the ladies decide to organise a charity show to raise the required funds, and Flora gets little sympathy when she suddenly decides to be ill in bed.

"How do you expect me to lie here dying if you're gonna starve me to death?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

ONE OF LIFE'S WINNERS

Originally broadcast: 20 September 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie's excited when she discovers that she's won a car in a competition, Miss Milton asks Roger about a spate of thefts from the store cupboard, and Flora decides to convert the residents' lounge into a driving school.

"Who do you know with a typewriter? I'd better open that. People can say what they like on a typewriter."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

THE BALL GAME

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie returns from the shops with a crystal ball instead of an elephant, the ladies are devastated when a burglar strikes at Paradise Lodge, and Flora tries to help an accessory to the crime avoid a ten year sentence.

"I think I'll go for a spin. Ten minutes on my Honda, I'll be a new man."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

THE BIRTHDAY GIRL

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora's not impressed when she opens her birthday cards and presents, Cissie tries to keep her extra special gift under wraps until the evening, and a frantic search for a colour television extends out into the garden.

"Cissie... Have you got a present for me? You can't have forgotten, I wrote it in your diary."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

THE ROYAL VISIT

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora's upset when the Queen fails to thank her for an embroidered gift, Cissie helps to calm the situation with news of a whistle-stop tour, and the ladies decide to hold an election for the right to present a bouquet.

"I told you before, you won't catch me listening on that extension again until the GPO have cured that crackle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

TOO MANY COOKS

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1977
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora causes the cook to walk out ahead of Mr. Petty's memorial dinner, the residents learn that a delicious meal had a very unusual ingredient, and Cissie proves to be more of a hindrance than a help in the kitchen.

"Inducing? Nine months ago she didn't even need persuading!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1978)
8 episodes
Series Score: 54
Episode Average: 6.75
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

THE BOX NUMBER

Originally broadcast: 5 June 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie receives sackfuls of replies after placing adverts in the local paper, Dolly helps to translates a number of rather saucy coded messages, and Miss Milton calls the police when a sex maniac heads for Paradise Lodge.

"But I have to ask myself, what about my flue? We don't want a blockage in my small-bore piping."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THE WINDFALL

Originally broadcast: 12 June 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Questions are asked when Cissie returns drunk after her uncle's funeral,
a shoebox left in a taxi turns out to contain a £10,000 inheritance, and Flora starts a small loans business after taking full control of the money.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Fanshaw, you have now dyed once too often."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

THE COMMERCIAL

Originally broadcast: 19 June 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora upsets Dolly when she tells her that her acting days are behind her, a telegram about a role in a commercial seems to suggest otherwise, and Mildred and Cissie see it as their big opportunity to finally be discovered.

"Well, she'd better be careful. She's too old to be on telephone wires telling the world she's cheap after six."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

THE WHITE ELEPHANT

Originally broadcast: 26 June 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie spends the day sitting in her room waiting to be told what to wear, Flora realises that she's stolen an elephant from a department store, and Dolly tells Mildred that they'll definitely be roped into a plan to return it.

"Listen to this. There's a woman here stole £30 worth of groceries. She got off with a £2 fine. She's £28 in pocket!!!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

THE FOUNDLING

Originally broadcast: 3 July 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora decides to investigate when she hears the sound of a crying baby, Cissie forgets to check all the necessaries before giving him a name, and Mildred's faced with eviction after she receives a message from her son.

"Dolly, it's nearly midnight, I should be in bed with my Practical Mechanic."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

THE DEPUTY

Originally broadcast: 10 July 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Miss Milton is left bed ridden when she's sent crashing down the stairs,
Flora's hopes of taking over are dashed when an ex-teacher arrives, and the ladies resort to cheating when they're forced to go on a paper chase.

"First thing in the morning, ex-teacher. I got quite excited at first, thought they said sex teacher."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

THE SPRING FAYRE

Originally broadcast: 17 July 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora discovers that she's been banned from running the bran tub stall, Miss Milton's forced into letting her do the vicar's wife's job instead, and the ladies resort to underhand tactics to get donations from local shops.

"Well, you should know... Put that lid on, or it'll be guess how many there used to be."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8

THE OPERATION

Originally broadcast: 24 July 1978
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora insists that a series of twinges are nothing more than indigestion,
the ladies try to do a good deed by polishing the elephant collection, and Cissie passes on news of a grumbling appendix after a visit to the doctor.

"Hello. Yes, I've got one now, but please will you speak very slowly, because the ink's running out."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1979)
7 episodes
Series Score: 46*
Episode Average: 6.57
Perfect 10's: 1
*not including special

S3E1

AND CISSIE MAKES THREE

Originally broadcast: 31 May 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora's not happy about not being allowed a St. George's day exhibition, news that Miss Milton's German uncle is visiting makes matters worse, and Cissie plays gooseberry after an unexpected thawing of hostilities.

"Yes, but I made that mess over an hour ago. I'm not one to complain, but it should've been cleaned up long since. I'll tell you what... I shall pretend this has never happened, but if that mess is not cleared up in ten minutes, I shall have to complain."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

THE DESPERATE HOURS

Originally broadcast: 7 June 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie explains why she came home from the Post Office in a police car, the ladies worry that robbers might take them hostage in the night, and Dolly and Mildred race to fetch help when their worst fears are realised.

"Slug me, baby!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

WHO'S CALLING?

Originally broadcast: 14 June 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie's not exactly truthful when she answers the phone to a dirty caller, Flora's horrified when Miss Milton refuses to contact the authorities, and Roger pops up to the phone box to make sure that the police are alerted.

"Have you been running? Oh my! You're breathing very heavily."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

USE OF BATH

Originally broadcast: 21 June 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora's furious when water from an overflowing bath pours onto her bed, Miss Milton sees an accidental ultimatum as the perfect opportunity, and Cissie struggles with the beds after moving into a grotty two person flat.

"Cissie, verdigris is when something old starts to go green. You have got verdigris, get in."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

JOBS FOR THE GIRLS

Originally broadcast: 28 June 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora sees an article about supplementary income in her True Romances, Cissie's accused of ticking the wrong box when 5,000 Red Indians arrive, and Miss Milton calls the ladies into her office for a disciplinary hearing.

"19 across, 6 letters, and the clue is 'feeble minded'. C-I-S-S-I-E."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

CISSIE'S LAST CHANCE

Originally broadcast: 5 July 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora faints in church when the vicar announces the banns of marriage,
Cissie explains how she accidentally accepted a librarian's proposal, and a desperate attempt to call things off sees a ring popped onto her finger.

"I'm looking for a wife."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

THE OUTING

Originally broadcast: 12 July 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

The ladies prepare for the Paradise Lodge Annual Outing in Scarborough, Cissie looks for things to count to keep her busy during the journey, and Flora's attempt to get at the locked away lunch leads to a spot of bother.

"I son't know why you bothered, I could've lent you three 7p stamps."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SPECIAL

(1979)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS AT PARADISE LODGE

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1979
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie ends up in trouble when Miss Milton gives her a tube of superglue, Flora's given a soaking when the ladies practice for the choir service, and Roger and Finchy save the day following an unfortunate wishlist mistake.

"And tell 'em what? We've got a lady stuck to a sheep?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SPECIAL

(1980)

SPECIAL

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1980
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

The ladies draw lots to see who'll be wearing the Father Christmas outfit, a burglar spots his chance when Gladys Smallwick leaves a window open, and Flora struggles to sleep because of the constant sound of yo-ho-hos.

"Dolly, how many times do I have to tell you that if you drink trebles, you'll see doubles."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FOUR

(1981)
7 episodes
Series Score: 48
Episode Average: 6.86
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

BREAKFAST AT PEABODY'S

Originally broadcast: 23 June 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Finchy and Roger head to Peabody's to queue overnight for the big sale, Flora learns that she has competition for a black tulip mink fur coat, and a question about Breakfast at Tiffany's leads to a long night in the shop.

"I'm not using a pattern, I though I could just knit it by ear."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

FLORA'S BIG MISTAKE

Originally broadcast: 30 June 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

An overheard conversation suggests that Cissie hasn't got very long left, Flora does all she can to make her friend as comfortable as possible, and Dolly and Mildred notice that the attention is starting to go to her head.

"There's a man here been buried at sea. I didn't know you could be buried at sea. I'm surprised they can get gravediggers."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

THE MISSING RING

Originally broadcast: 7 July 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora desperately tries to remember where she left her engagement ring, Dolly's decision to sell her sewing machine means a trip to the sale room, and a row with an Irishman about a parking space leads to a bidding war.

"Because he winked at me... Oh, he's doing it again! I think I've got off."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

DESIRABLE RESIDENCE

Originally broadcast: 14 July 1981
Directed by: Don Clayton
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Flora and Cissie spot Paradise Lodge for sale in an estate agents window, Miss Milton explains that she's emigrating to marry a sheep farmer, and the ladies do everything they can to scare away any prospective buyers.

"Did Mrs. Potty say dry rot?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

THE GIPSY'S CURSE

Originally broadcast: 21 July 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

A gipsy puts a curse on Flora when she dismisses her clairvoyant powers, the ladies hope that a variety of lucky charms will offer some protection, and sudden misfortunes suggest that there might be something in it all.

"Want to bet? I heard that gipsy with my own eyes."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

Originally broadcast: 28 July 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

A hot water bottle and forgotten kippers lead to war at Paradise Lodge, Cissie thinks Flora has gone mad when she suddenly loses her memory, and a charitable donation forces Mildred to accept that she's not faking.

"I have a very soft spot for the Window Gang. They're never any trouble and... What are they doing? Breathing all over my window panes!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

THE HOME PERM

Originally broadcast: 4 August 1981
Directed by: Graeme Muir
Written by: Michael Ashton, Pam Valentine

Cissie calls for help when she goes to the hairdressers without her purse, Flora needs to get a new perm after lying to Mr. Petty's niece's husband, and a disagreement about a bill leads to a ban from all the local salons.

"Do you? Then so will I... Don't charge so much, people don't like it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

FLORA
PETTY

Played by Peggy Mount
31 episodes (1977-1981)
in... The Foundling (S2E5)

CISSIE
LUPIN

Played by Pat Coombs
31 episodes (1977-1981)
in... The Operation (S2E8)

DOLLY
LOVE

Played by Lally Bowers
31 episodes (1977-1981)
in... One of Life's Winners (S1E3)

MILDRED
FANSHAW

Played by Diana King
31 episodes (1977-1981)
in... And Cissie Makes Three (S3E1)

MISS MARJORIE
MILTON

Played by Charmian May
31 episodes (1977-1981)
in... The Deputy (S2E6)

MISS
FINCH

Played by Georgina Moon
28 episodes (1977-1981)
in... Flora's Big Mistake (S4E2)

ROGER

Played by Johnnie Wade
28 episodes (1977-1981)
in... The Windfall (S2E2)

KATY
O'ROURKE

Played by Peggy Ledger
11 episodes (1977-1978)
in... The Box Number (S2E1)