British Comedy: Father Ted

Years: 1995-1998
Broadcaster: Channel 4
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews
Stars: Dermot Morgan, Ardal O'Hanlan
Episodes: 25
Episode Average: 8.200*

BEST EPISODES:
Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep (1998), Speed 3 (1998)

*including special

SERIES ONE

(1995)
6 episodes
Series Score: 48
Episode Average: 8.0
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

GOOD LUCK, FATHER TED

Originally broadcast: 21 April 1995
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted agrees to a television interview, and there's a fun fair in town.

"And what do you say to a cup?" "Feck off, cup!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

ENTERTAINING FATHER STONE

Originally broadcast: 28 April 1995
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

It's time for the annual visit of the ridiculously boring Father Stone, and when he decides to extend his stay, Ted asks God to intervene.

"As you can see, we still haven't been able to remove the golf club."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

THE PASSION OF SAINT TIBULUS

Originally broadcast: 5 May 1995
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A bishop arrives on the island with news of a blasphemous film, and orders for there to be a protest at the local cinema.

"There's you, there's Forrest Gump! And there's Father Jack actually watching the film!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

COMPETITION TIME

Originally broadcast: 12 May 1995
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A troubled celebrity stays at the house, and three Elvis's team up to beat the priests from Rugged Island.

"Oh no, Not Toilet Duck again. You know what that does to you. You'll be seeing the pink elephants again."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN

Originally broadcast: 19 May 1995
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A raven key and an "I'm waiting" note are the next messages, Joy is attacked by Freddie, and Mr. Jelly learns about Ravenhill Hospital.

"My mother?! She's hardly what you'd call a woman, Ted. She's not like the women you see on the telly, like the Gladiators, she wouldn't be one of them, Ted"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

GRANT UNTO HIM ETERNAL REST

Ted and Dougal find that they've been left a lot of money when Father Jack drinks floor polish.

"Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like
'collect 20 crisp packets and become a priest'?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

SERIES TWO

(1996)
10 episodes
Series Score: 75
Episode Average: 7.5
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

HELL

Originally broadcast: 8 March 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted, Dougal and Jack are given the use of a caravan for their holiday, but they're not the only ones.

"No, no, you're just being polite, but if you don't want any, all you have to do is say 'no'. Just that one little word, 'no'. It's a lovely little word our Lord gave us to use when we don't want any cake."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

THINK FAST, FATHER TED

Originally broadcast: 15 March 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Father Ted holds a raffle in an effort to raise money to fix the roof, but the prize gets wrecked... twice!

"Dougal, seriously, listen. IF Bishop Brennan finds out we wrecked the car, he WILL kill us, and murder is a terrible, terrible sin, Dougal. So, by committing this little sin, we'll actually be saving the Bishop's soul"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

TENTACLES OF DOOM

Originally broadcast: 22 March 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A holy relic is deemed fit for an upgrade, so three bishops visit the island.

"Well, think about it. Very little evidence. Blind faith, that's all we have to go on. There's not a shred of proof anywhere. Nothing! Aliens? Now there's something that might just be possible. But everlasting life? Big demons sticking red-hot pokers up your arse for all eternity? I don't think so! The whole religion thing, I just don't buy it."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

OLD GREY WHISTLE THEFT

Originally broadcast: 29 March 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

There's shock and horror on Craggy Island when a whistle is stolen, and Dougal makes friends with a rebellious young priest.

"So, fup off, you grasshole!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

A SONG FOR EUROPE

Originally broadcast: 5 April 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Anyway Father, I'm really looking forward to your entry.

"Anyway Father, I'm really looking forward to your entry."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

THE PLAGUE

Bishop Brennan visits to find out more about a naked Father Jack, while Ted and Dougal are left to work out what to do about a problem of the rabbit variety.

"Because Dougal, my nerves are shot, I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

ROCK A HULA TED

Originally broadcast: 19 April 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A feminist visits the island just in time for the 'Lovely Girls' competition, hosted by Ted.

"You see? All sorts of alternative lifestyles catered for. We're a refuge for priests like Father Liam. Where else could he give a sermon dressed as Joan Crawford?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E8

CIGARTTES AND ALCOHOL AND ROLLERBLADING

Originally broadcast: 26 April 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

In an effort to beat Dick Byrne, Ted decides that they must all give something up for Lent.

"I know, I know, Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know, I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops, but after a while, it just wasn't enough. I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I can handle it, Ted, I could quit any time I want."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E9

NEW JACK CITY

Originally broadcast: 3 May 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

When Father Jack's hairy hands reach stage 6, he's sent to an old priest's home, but his replacement is an absolute horror.

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E10

FLIGHT INTO TERROR

Ted, Dougal and Jack are returning from a pilgrimage when the plane hits trouble, and there are only two parachutes.

"It was... Father Fluffybottom. Some of the priests caught a glance of my rear end in the showers after a game of football once, and, well, I had all the downy fluff growing around thay whole area. Ah yes, Father Fluffybottom. Hilarious stuff!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL

(1996)

SPECIAL

A CHRISTMASSY TED

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1996
Directed by: Declan Lowney
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted wins an award after helping a group of priests escape from the Lingerie department, and Mrs. Doyle gets a Teamaster for Christmas.

"NO CLUES!, I'll get it in a second... Father Ken Sweeney? Father Neil Hannon? Father Keith Cullen? Father Kieran Donnelly? Father Mick McAvoy? Father Jack White? Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecurd? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Furley? Father Chewie Louie? Father John Hoop? Father Harry Cake-Lyneham? Father Raboola Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tight-Egglips? Father Jemima Ragtoole? Father Jerry Twigg? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Canner Brammerlammer? Father Todd Unctious?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES THREE

(1998)
8 episodes
Series Score: 73
Episode Average: 9.13
Perfect 10's: 4

S3E1

ARE YOU RIGHT THERE FATHER TED?

Originally broadcast: 13 March 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted tries to prove he's not a racist after unfortunate moments with a lamp shade and bit of dirt on a window.

"Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up. I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... More drink!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

CHIRPY BURPY CHEAP SHEEP

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Father Ted holds a raffle in an effort to raise money to fix the roof, but the prize gets wrecked... twice!

"Because of the beast, they say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better. And do you know what, Ted? It lights up at night. And it's got four ears, two are for listening, and the other two are kind of back-up ears. And it's claws are as big as cups. And for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. Mrs. Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on it's tail, so if you're made out of metal, it can attach itself to you. and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

SPEED 3

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

When Dougal replaces a sacked hairy-baby making milkman, he finds himself driving a milk float armed with a bomb.

"You're ready to be a milkman. You'd better get going actually, milk gets sour, you know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that, because it's shite"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

THE MAINLAND

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A trip to the mainland leads to two arrests and a run-in with Richard Wilson.

"It's a terrible thing when an old person can't even walk down the street for fear of being stolen"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

ESCAPE FROM VICTORY

Originally broadcast: 10 April 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted's on edge about the upcoming All-Priests Over-75's Five-a-Side Football Championship, because of a bet with Dick Byrne.

"No, no, no, I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one his kneecaps fell off. There's no way round it, I'm going to have to put him in goal."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

KICKING BISHOP BRENNAN UP THE ARSE

After being exposed as a cheat in the last episode, Ted must now complete a forfeit.

"I'm soooo, soooo sorry!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

NIGHT OF THE NEARLY DEAD

Originally broadcast: 24 April 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

A young TV presenter popular with the older ladies visits when Mrs. Doyle wins a competition.

"Go away, you big pile of dirty old biddies!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E8

GOING TO AMERICA

Originally broadcast: 1 May 1998
Directed by: Andy DeEmmony
Written by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews

Ted gets the opportunity to work in America, but he can't quite bring himself to tell the others that they're not invited.

"Father, that sermon today. Frankly, it bored the arse off me!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

COMIC RELIEF SPECIAL

Comic Relief with Ted & Dougal
Originally broadcast: 14 March 1997

Ted and Dougal host the annual telethon.

FATHER TED CRILLY

Played by Dermot Morgan
25 Episodes
in... The Passion of Saint Tibulus (1995)

FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE

Played by Ardal O'Hanlon
25 Episodes
in... New Jack City (1996)

FATHER JACK HACKETT

Played by Frank Kelly
25 Episodes
in... Are You Right There Father Ted? (1998)

MRS.DOYLE

Played by Pauline McLynn
25 Episodes
in... A Christmassy Ted (1996)