Bad Alice's Top 100 Comedies;

"You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO! "

"Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. "
[making dolphin noise]

Jerry: [sung, poorly, to the tune of the Ghostbusters theme song] When you're walkin' down the street...
Jerry: [singing] ... and you see a little ghost...
Jerry: [singing] ... whatcha gonna do about -
[more out of tune]
Jerry: Ghostbusters?
Mike: What? What is that?
Jerry: That's the Ghostbusters theme song.
Mike: No.
Jerry: I'm pretty sure it is.

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified? "

[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend]
Vanessa: He has a five year plan.
Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?

Courtney: Why does everyone have to go on a diet?
Sparky: Because! In cheerleading we throw people into the air. And fat people don't go as high.

James: Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you?
Mollie: This is not my figure!
James: Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back!

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary? "

[to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
[to Regina] God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI! "

Burt Wilson: Give me 20 bucks for the cabbie, quick.
Sean Armstrong: Keep the change.
Cabbie: [sarcastically] Gee! A whole quarter.
Burt Wilson: A quarter? Gimme that! This ain't Christmas!

Miranda: What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck.

G: Who's taking care of your kids?
Lonnie: Jesus.

Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
[through gritted teeth]
Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.

Caroline: Um... hi. I'm Caroline. What's your name?... You know what, that's okay. You don't have to tell me. It's been like one of those nights, you know? I was with my friend Norah, who you don't know, but you'd really like her because everybody likes Norah and she... left me tonight which is - she never does that and then I was kidnapped. And then, she... usually when I go home with her she... she makes me a turkey sandwich when I get home, but I might never get home, you know? And I'm so tired.
[looks down and notices what is in his lap]
Caroline: Is that a turkey sandwich? "

Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!
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Garth Algar: Hey Mr. Donut Man, who's trying to kill ya? I don't know but they better not!

Edith: What about my dreams?
Dewey Cox: Edith I told you I can't build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won't work!

Barry: [singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, "Caw. Ca-Caw" / The chimpanzee says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" / The friendly owl says, "Hoo, hoo-hoo" / But the salmon can only say, "Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo." / And it's sad.

"This isn't where I parked my car!"

"He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon"

"Weeze the Juice"

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [searching the house for the money] She must've had it on her!
Melissa Crandell: Well it's ours! Go back and get it from the old hag!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh yeah, we'll just go down there and say 'excuse me, we left our money on our dead baby sitter', no way!

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

"We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick!"

Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

"Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you... "

Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee: Thank you!

Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.
Larry Valentine: You're a monster!

Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.

"I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the sh!t out of you! "

Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that?
Jason Pear: I found it under the seat.
Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.
Jason Pear: Why not?
Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!

"Dinner's over Worm Dude!"

Graeme Willy: You are an alien!
Paul: To you I am, yes.
Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?
Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Zack Brown: What's your name?
Lester: Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones.

Columbus: [after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

"We're going to play a wonderful game called... "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"

"Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. "

"MY GERMS!"

"My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. "

Michael Kellam: She did a doodle; your turn to change her.
Peter: I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

"Whoa! What a hole!"

Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.

"He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles. "

"Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! "

No sex. No booze. No men. No way.