Movies and TV That Enrage Me

I want to make a machine that takes amorphous concepts- Uh, let's say, for example, just random off the top of my head...a television show- So, this machine takes TV shows like..and, again, random just to fill in blanks...Ancient Aliens. This machine it takes a tv show like Ancient Aliens and it manifests that idea into flesh. It's word made man.

Then that man goes and fucks himself.

Ancient Aliens is the most offensive thing I've ever watched. It's disgustingly shits on science, sociology, religious studies, history, common sense, the entire history of the human race and logic. And integrity.

It's a show that just goes, "What if?" And "What if?" is a great game to play. It's great to just think about things no matter how crazy they are. It's not okay to sell those ideas to idiot millions who accept it as truth. It's not okay to shit on the history of human achievement (which is in equal turns absolutely amazing and incredibly horrifying) because aliens make it cooler or more interesting (by the way, it doesn't, it makes history lamer). It's not okay to almost never show an opposing view. And it's not okay to only defend your right to spew ludicrous bullshit, but not the ludicrous bullshit itself. It's not okay to use known frauds like Erik Von Daniken as references. It's not okay to have one of your main talking heads also be a producer. It's not okay to pick and choose portions of folklore and religious text and then interpret them as being evidence of aliens and never consider any other possibility. It's not okay to never give any kind of historical or sociological context in regard to information.

"Ancient Aliens" is a dangerous show because it destabilizes reality. Sometimes reality needs destabilizing. A lot of our textbook history is wrong and it needs to be changed...with fact. Fact using primary sources...and facts. But what "Ancient Aliens" does it brainwashes people in thinking history is a fool's game because none of it is true and it was all aliens anyway.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this show.

Hey, speaking of offensive shit that pretends to be smart, here's the Big Bang Theory.

First, I'd like to point you to this very long essay about one major reason why BBT sucks: The Problem With The Big Bang Theory . If you don't want to read it, I'll sum it up for you: BBT is not a show for nerds, because it's a show that laughs at nerds and treats them as different. The audience isn't suppose to identify with them, they're supposed to identify with Penny.

So, if you remove the nerd appeal and forget about the tossed off references to science and/or pop culture you're left with a very, very bad comedy. The bad comedy is made a thousand times worse by the ridiculous laugh track (or prompted audience, I've heard both stories). Here's an actual thing that happened in an episode. Leonard has a new friend, he's telling the guys about him and he has this exchange with Sheldon:

Leonard: He's in a rock band.
Sheldon: We're in a rock band
*laughter*
Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box
*huge laughter*

What happened there is that joke was so obvious the laugh track anticipated the punch line. That amazed me. And in another episode there was a joke where someone didn't want to go near a computer because they were afraid of catching a computer virus.

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? That was a joke on the most popular sitcom in America and it sounds like it was stolen from a kid's joke book from 1995. All the jokes and plots are so predictable that you don't even get that little flash of smugness you get when you call a joke in advance.

There's so many better shows out there with good writing and good characters and they give more than a bare minimum of effort.

I'll be honest, I've never seen this movie. But despite that just thinking about it makes me so angry. Everything about it makes me so angry and disgusted. The premise, the terrible CGI, the plot. When it came out I read reviews just to feel vindicated in my hate. And that allowed me to learn more things about it that make me angry. Like the implied rape.

I want to make a Death Wish-style movie where I kill every one involved with this movie.

So, this is a movie where a couple is deceived into cheating on each other. Then the woman kind of becomes infatuated with and has sex with another another man. Her husband isn't okay with that obviously and...I'm not digging on that stuff in a campy, horror musical.

Call me uptight, call me a prude, but I'm not cool with repeated adultery being treated like it's all just good fun. I know it's just a movie, but it still kind of makes me a little sick.

And let me be clear, I have no problem with any of the homosexuality or the crossdressing. It's just that these two hapless schmucks are in the wrong place at the wrong time and their relationship gets massively fucked up. This is a camp musical, not The fucking Ice Storm.

And really every character in this movie is so relentlessly unlikable. Who are we supposed to like in this movie? And all the campiness feels so forced. Some of the songs are okay, but really it all adds up to a big zero. And sometimes it feels like people want to force you to like it.

This is one of those things where I kind of feel like I should like it...but I'm super okay that I don't. And as much as I hate it I'm cool with letting people have it. They can take it, they can love it.

I like to thing that two terrible things happened to Jesus: The crucifixion and the fact that his birthday begat this awful movie.

Yeah, I know you love this movie. I'm sorry. It's a movie populated only by terrible, annoying and unlikable characters. And they're not even unlikable in a good way that dehumanizes them. They're unlikable like real people are unlikable which makes watching the indignities and humiliations they suffer painful to watch. Ralphie's an annoying little shit, but I don't like watching him fail and be punished by his unloving God for however fucking long this movie is.

Even as a kid I didn't like this movie and I didn't know why. And that's my problem with it. "A Christmas Story" presents itself as a fun, funny family movie about the holidays, but really it's a miserable, cruel movie that has nothing but contempt for its characters.

Again, I know every other english speaking American loves this movie. They're wrong. And we should let it die.

Sometimes mediocrity is way more frustrating than a piece being outright bad. Yes, Dear is monumentally mediocre. It doesn't do anything new, it's not funny, it's bland, none of the characters are interesting, but it's competent. It's like the government made it, like if there's a natural disaster and people need to be entertained they made this show to provide a baseline of distraction.

Really, my intense hate from this show came from one episode. Jerry Van Dyke was on and he's one of the main character's father. And he gets into comic books, goes to a comic book convention, dresses up and does a skit with a bunch of eight-year-old children. You know how that always happens at conventions. The whole thing was just so condescending.

Fuck you, writer. There's nothing wrong with liking comic books. Even if you're an old man. How about writing characters who aren't terrible, judgmental dicks and how about writing an elderly character whose allowed to enjoy something.

I've got a nephew and he loves Caillou. I hate Caillou. He's a dumb wiener child.

That's really it. He's just annoying. I hate him. I hate his sister. I hate it when they cry. Every episode is boring. I guess it teaches basic lessons about how to behave, but there has to be a better way to get that across.

This was a movie that not even Rifftrax could make tolerable for me. I got through that robot who was, like, fucking things in that kitchen (that happened right? I don't just have weird, shitty robo-sex memories implanted in my brain, right?) and that shot of dogs fucking and that dumb ass parents eat weed brownies sequence and...the continued debasing of John Turturro, Stepinfetchit robots, muddled, bad looking fighting.

And then I got to the first mention of that thing...like...the Matrix of Friendship or something. And I started to break. I like sci-fi, I like fantasy. I'm not unaccustomed to hearing dumbass names for obvious plot devices. This was too much. The Matrix of Leadership. And around that time there was also that robot with a robot beard and a scottish accent.

Why the ever loving fuck would a robot from space have any kind of earth accent?

And that was too much for me. I shot my TV and threw it at an oncoming train.

It's not really the movie 50 First Dates that I hate, though it is a pretty horrifying movie the more you think about it (imagining waking up significantly pregnant every morning for a few months and not knowing what the fuck is going on).

I'm using this movie because it's when I first realized how unlikable Adam Sandler is. In almost all of his movies Adam Sandler plays a gigantic asshole. Which is fine, except we're supposed to like him. Why? He's not a nice guy in any of these movies. He's constantly maliciously making fun of his friends or people close to him. He revels when they get hurt or humiliated. He has open contempt masked by begrudging contempt for any one different than him. Even though his characters are almost universally idiots.

The most annoying thing is that even though he's a gigantic dick, everybody loves him. Everybody. And if they don't love him they will by the end of the movie. Why? Why do you want this man to succeed when he shits on you every time you fail?

Adam Sandler must have monumentally low self-esteem to continue making movies where he is the king who is given a beautiful woman and the rest of the world is made up of pig people. And I enjoy a few of his movies, it's just that they never change.

Honestly, I don't remember much about this movie, but it was one of the first ones where I remember getting angry that I was watching such a bad movie. I was in 8th grade and it was so bad I couldn't stop watching. It's almost like I repressed my memories of it, because I have a burning hate for it but I don't remember anything about it.

Aside from the terrible, terrible computer graphics in it.

It probably didn't help that I was picking at Stephen King's "Night Shift" at the time. Even though I knew the movie was way, way different from the short story, I naively thought there had to be some similarity. And there was.

Both works had grass in them.

Secret Girlfriend had kind of an interesting gimmick. It was also shot from POV and You were the main character (assuming you're a white male in your early 20s).

But when you think about it...that's stupid. It means the main character is one big void. It also means that the show never stops pandering. Even though it'd be hilarious if they made you into a schmuck, that's kind of a hard sell. Instead, You are the most amazing person on earth. Your conflicts are that too many super hot women want to fuck you. You're so much cooler than your friends. I'm positive every script was just one page with the word "DICKS" written in crayon and then a rudely drawn picture of tits.

I like hot women and tits and watching people get hit in the nuts. But Jesus Christ this show was so empty and it wanted us to like it so badly. It was kind of pathetic.

My hate for it has waned over the years, but there was a time when it was raging. I heard a guy named Harris Wittels on a podcast and I really liked him. Thought he was hilarious, then I found out that he worked on Secret Girlfriend and I wanted to punch him in the face.

I really wanted to like this movie. I always heard it talked about in the same breath as Eraserhead, which is one of my favorite movies. And since I'm always chasing that dragon of weirdness, trying to recapture that magical high I felt with Eraserhead I was excited for this.

Then, 20 minutes in I was checking to see how much time was left in the movie. It's the MTV version of Eraserhead. It's all loud music and ADD editing. That's not compelling to me. If this movie had been 30 minutes long and you got some of the interesting visuals, got to see a woman fucked to death by a drill penis and then the ending, that style would be tolerable.

I like weird cinema because I like seeing things I don't see in other movies. I like experiencing new imagery and being told standard stories with very new twists on them. And Tetsuo would be great for that, if it would let anything breathe. There's some great moments as the guy realizes his body is morphing into something horrible and as he tries to adjust.

It makes me feel like a crotchety old asshole complaining about loud music and quick cuts. So, I kind of also hate what Tetsuo has turned me into.

I actively pray for the end of the world.