Movies That Suck

Gorgeous, young, busty dancer is kidnapped by greasy, obnoxious, rude ex-con fresh from prison and she just basically goes along with it. She hardly complains at all, in fact.

It's SO BELIEVEABLE! 3/10

I gave it a 4. Which is exactly half of what I would have given it if it didn't feature the absolute worst movie ending I have ever witnessed. The ending COMPLETELY undermines everything about the movie that they had worked so hard to build up, all that suspense and intensity...it's just destroyed in one five minute ending scene that was clearly tacked on because they didn't know how the hell to end it. It turned this movie completely around from a really nice, taut thriller to one of the biggest jokes I've ever seen committed to film. All of Hollywood should have hung their collective heads in shame when this piece of sh!t came out, and certainly Sean Penn and Michael Douglas and everyone else associated with it should be forever embarrassed by it. 4/10

Legendary classic horror film, right? A must see for anyone interested in the horror genre, yes? Don't you believe it. The acting and dialogue are terrible. The music is wildly out-of-place, as were the scenes with the bumbling cops. But what sealed it for me was this: the mother of one of the girls, having just learned that not only was her daughter brutally raped and murdered but that it happened at the hands of the very people she was nice enough to provide lodging for in her own home, decides to *GET HER REVENGE BY PERFORMING FELLATIO ON ONE OF THE MURDERERS* in order to separate him from the offending member forever.

I'm gonna let you dwell on that for a moment.

Just swish it around for a little inside your head.

All right. Now that you've had some time to reflect, let me just give that to you once more: of all the countless ways she could have taken revenge, she chooses the one that requires her to PLACE THE MURDERER'S PENIS IN HER MOUTH. Just think about how ludicrous that is. Yes, I understand that horror movies, and many movies in general, require a certain level of suspension of disbelief. But folks, there is a limit to how far one's disbelief can be stretched. 2/10

The scene where Cage's/Travolta's character oh so dramatically avoids thousands of those incredibly inaccurate and ineffectual "Action Movie Bullets", and leaps into the sea from his oil rig-based prison (you heard me, it's on an oil rig), and no one gives chase, and the fall somehow doesn't kill him, and he somehow ends up on shore unharmed though they never show how: that was my first clue that I had rented me a turd. 1/10

Shoulda called it "Do the Right Thing - for Dummies." Please, Hollywood, I beg you. Take a nightstick, paint "RACISM IS BAD" on it, then club me with it. 4/10

By and large, I just don't like movies where every single possible thing that could go wrong for a person (and that person is a pretty decent guy and doesn't deserve what's happening to him) does, but everyone's still against him. Movies like that aren't comedies. All they do is piss me off. 4/10

Who the hell WANTS to see a football movie where the climactic game scenes are constantly interspersed with distracting shots of freaking clouds and lightning bolts and lights that are switching on and then off? Who the hell WANTS to see a movie where an argument between two characters suddenly and frequently switches to scenes from Ben Hur? Not me. 3/10

It sucks in so many different ways I'm not even gonna begin to go into it. 1/10

I decided to score this one by starting out at "10," then for every instance where Kiefer Sutherland gave that Christ-awful fake laugh through the phone, I deducted 1. The score was down to a "1" in very short order. 1/10

Maybe this one doesn't deserve being on here. My opinion of the film probably suffers from the fact that I was expecting a horror film, and what I got was a long series of scenes featuring young girls flitting about the woods in white, with very little happening in between. 5/10

"Suck" is a little harsh for this one since the effects were pretty awesome. But large parts of it certainly did suck. 5/10

Jar-Jar. The kid playing Anakin. The wooden acting and clunky dialogue. We all know the drill. 6/10

Jar-Jar again. Hayden Christensen. The flat-out atrocious acting and clunky dialogue. The vomitously sappy Padme/Anakin romance. Turning Yoda into a ridiculous parody of himself at one turn, and freakin' Sonic the Hedgehog the next. 5/10

Same shit. Different movie. 5/10