Favorite Comedy Shows

"I can't think of anything more terrifying than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his thirties. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion!"

"Not now, I'm downloading a google."

"You're black and your last name is Black? That's like if my name was Larry Jew."

"You've been living a lie? I've been living, like, twenty!"

"You're so beautiful, like a tree or a high-class prostitute."

"Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry."

"Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them."

"I'm not a bad guy, I am a good guy, who... runs over women with his car. Why, am I having such a hard time getting my message across?"

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?"

"I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith."

Ron Swanson: “I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I could say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.”