British Comedy: The Mrs. Merton Show

Years: 1994-1998
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Spoof, Chat Show
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman
Stars: Caroline Aherne, The Audience
Episodes: 30 (+pilot)
Episode Average: 6.322*

BEST EPISODES:
Series 4, Episode 6 (1998), Series 4, Episode 4 (1998)

*including specials and pilot

PILOT

(1993)

PILOT

THAT NICE MRS. MERTON

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1993
Directed by: Richard Signy
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

CAROL THATCHER
(Journalist)

MARK PORTER
(TV Doctor)

TERRY CHRISTIAN
(TV Presenter)

"So, tell me, Carol, were you breastfed?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

EPISODE ORDER AND DATES TAKEN FROM THE BBC,
RATHER THAN FROM THE DVD

SERIES ONE

(1995)
6 episodes
Series Score: 41
Episode Average: 6.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

KRISS AKABUSI
(Athlete)

DEBBIE McGEE
(Magician's Assistant)

CHRIS GREENER
(Britain's Tallest Man)

STEVE COOGAN
(Comedian, Impressionist)

"But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire, Paul Daniels?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 17 February 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

KEN LIVINGSTONE
(Politician)

MANDY SMITH
(Model, Singer)

DRUSILLA BEYFUS
(Etiquette Writer)

KEVIN KENNEDY
(Soap Actor)

"I don't know, one day you were playing with My Little Pony, next day you were playing My Little Pony with Bill Wyman."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 24 February 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

CYNTHIA PAYNE
(Madam)

JILLY GOOLDEN
(Wine Expert)

ARTHUR TOMLINSON
(UFO Expert)

DAVE LEE TRAVIS
(Radio DJ) - since disgraced

"Do you know how I tell the difference between red wine and white wine? I look at the colour."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 3 March 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

DALE WINTON
(TV Presenter)

MARY WHITEHOUSE
(Social Activist)

PETER RUSSELL
(Royal Butler)

DEREK JAMESON
(Journalist, Broadcaster)

"One day, your ring will be on the finger of somebody very special."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 10 March 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

RUSSELL GRANT
(Astrologer)

COUNTESS BIENVENIDA SOKOLOW
(Former Lady Buck - Seduction Expert)

FRED TALBOT
(TV Weatherman) - since disgraced

"And do you know, what are you? An Aquarius? And I was reading somewhere, that meant you were ruled by Uranus."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1995
Directed by: Dominic Brigstocke
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

NED SHERRIN
(Raconteur)

MR. MOTIVATOR
(TV Fitness Instructor)

TERRY MAJOR-BALL
(Prime Minister's Brother)

NICK OWEN
(TV Presenter)

"My husband, Mr. Merton, he bought a Cindy Crawford exercise video, you know. Exercise can be dangerous because he was watching it and then soon as I knew it, he'd pulled something."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES TWO

(1995)
6 episodes
Series Score: 36
Episode Average: 6.00
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

JO BRAND
(Comedienne)

LORRAINE KELLY
(TV Presenter)

CHRIS EUBANK
(Boxer)

"Were you as surprised, as we all were, when he came from behind and he, he licked you in the ring?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

MATTHEW KELLY
(TV Presenter)

VIC REEVES & BOB MORTIMER
(Comedy Double Act)

GEORGE BEST
(Footballer)

"Are you happy now, Cindy, now you, now you look like a dog's dinner?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

GERMAINE GREER
(Feminist)

PJ & DUNCAN
(TV Characters, Pop Act)

MICHAEL PARKINSON
(Chat Show Host)

"But you know something you used to do that I really admire. You used to ask a really personal question and then you used to sit back with a simple look on your face, as if you didn't know what you'd done. Like, sort of that... You know I really admired that. Have you ever took naked pictures of your wife, Mary?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

JIMMY HILL
(Football Pundit)

ANDREW NEIL
(Journalist)

PAUL DANIELS
(Magician)

"That's what I like about you, though, you know. When ever we see you... you weren't, if you don't mind me saying, the greatest player in the world, but you're not bothered about slagging everyone else off, are you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 10 December 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

PETER STRINGFELLOW
(Nightclub Owner)

DES LYNAM
(TV Presenter)

ROLF HARRIS
(Entertainer) - since disgraced

"How are you bowel-wise? Are you regular, Des?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 17 December 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

LORD PATRICK LICHFIELD
(Royal Photographer)

CAROL VORDERMAN
(TV Mathematician)

BARBARA WINDSOR
(Actress)

"When my friend Lily watches Countdown, you know you say 'vowels and consonants'? She always goes 'vowels and incontinence.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1995)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1995
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

MIKE & ALMA BALDWIN
(Soap Characters)

GLENYS KINNOCK
(Politician)

TOMMY REGAN
(Orphan Character)

GARY RHODES
(TV Chef)

"My favourite cook was always Fanny Craddock, and I'm always thinking of her. How often do you think of Fanny?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(1996)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1996
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

CLIVE JAMES
(Broadcaster)

NODDY HOLDER
(Glam Rocker)

DANIEL O'DONNELL
(Singer)

"You know a funny thing? There's a local club named after him because my son, Malcolm, I heard him telling his friend that he was going to take him up the Gary Glitter."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES THREE

(1997)
6 episodes
Series Score: 40
Episode Average: 6.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 14 February 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

JEFF BANKS
(Fashion Designer)

JONATHAN ROSS
(Chat Show Host/TV Presenter)

"Very important. Mainly to the left. What about that? And it's come out on my show."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 21 February 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

MALCOLM MERTON
(Recorder Player)

MICHAEL WINNER
(Film Director/Restaurant Critic)

TERESA GORMAN
(Politician)

"But you always have a glamorous young dolly-bird on your arm, don't ya? Have you ever been out with anybody who didn't want to be in one of your films?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 28 February 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

SACHA DISTEL
(Singer)

JEREMY CLARKSON
(TV Presenter)

"You know, the difference between us, really, the English and the French is... the French Foreign Legion, you know, they're always off fighting, aren't they? In the desert. Whereas the British Legion, it's more a pint... a pint and pie."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 7 March 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

BOY GEORGE
(Singer)

VINNIE JONES
(Footballer)

"When did you first realise you were licking the other side of the stamp?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 21 March 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

KEITH CHEGWIN
(Broadcaster)

IAN BOTHAM
(Cricketer)

"My son, Malcolm, he was sent home from school for tampering with his balls."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 28 March 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

JOANNA LUMLEY
(Actress)

MARTIN CLUNES
(Actor)

"Do you know what he'll be doing now backstage? Do you what... He'll be blushing. I can guarantee he'll be sat there with his purple head in his hands... Does that feel nice?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SPECIALS

(1997)

SPECIAL

MRS. MERTON IN VEGAS:
PART 1

Originally broadcast: 10 April 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

PATRICK DUFFY
(Actor)

TONY CURTIS
(Actor)

"Well, of course, you were in Dallas. You were the simple gormless brother, weren't you? Was... was that acting?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL

MRS. MERTON IN VEGAS:
PART 2

Originally broadcast: 17 April 1997
Directed by: Pati Marr
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal, Dave Gorman

GUESTS:

BO DEREK
(Actress)

ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK
(Singer)

"We did like your bosoms in that, didn't we? Oh, we did. Are your bosoms real?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL

MRS. MERTON IN VEGAS:
PLANES, TRAINS & ZIMMER FRAMES

Originally broadcast: 24 April 1997
Directed by: Philippa Robinson

A journey with the audience from the North of England to Las Vegas.

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(1997)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1997
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

EDWINA CURRIE
(Politician)

MAX BYGRAVES
(Comedian, Singer, Variety Performer)

"You look smart, Edwina. Do you know what you could be in now? I'm not just flannelling. You could be in Band of Gold. Couldn't she? You'd look lovely."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FOUR

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 2

S4E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

KEITH FLOYD
(TV Chef)

MELINDA MESSENGER
(Glamour Model)

"But it's not the first time you've been happily married. You've been happily married four times, haven't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 5 March 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

SHANE RICHIE
(Comedian Singer, TV Presenter)

WAYNE SLEEP
(Dancer)

"I don't want to concentrate on your flops tonight. I don't, it's not fair. Let's talk about your successes. You were a Bluecoat at Pontins, weren't ya?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

GARRY BUSHELL
(TV Critic)

LISA STANSFIELD
(Singer)

"Now, for centuries, people have wondered what ugly mishapen form the devil would take here on Earth. Well, we need look now further than my first guest, Garry Beelzebub Bushell."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 19 March 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

RICHARD WILSON
(Actor)

BERNARD MANNING
(Comedian)

"Bernard, who do you vote for now Hitler's dead?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

BARRY McGUIGAN
(Boxer)

NIGEL KENNEDY
(Violinist)

"Do you like Vanessa-Mae? Would you like to fiddle with her?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 2 April 1998
Directed by: Tony Prescott
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

GUESTS:

RICHARD WHITELEY
(Broadcaster)

JIMMY TARBUCK
(Comedian)

"You know, you come and you're so lovely and humble. I've changed all my opinions about ya. You're not a nobhead at all."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

Years: 1999
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash,
Henry Normal
Stars: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash
Episodes: 6
Episode Average: 5.83

BEST EPISODE:
Episode 6 (1999)

SERIES ONE

(1999)
6 episodes
Series Score: 35
Episode Average: 5.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 22 February 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Malcolm can't hide his excitement on the morning of his 37th birthday, Arthur Capstick calls round with a bag of sherbet lemons for Mr. Merton, and a lack of guests sees the party get off to a disappointingly slow start.

"Have you heard about Gordon Gosworth's new car? Electric windows. I don't know how they plug it in."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 1 March 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Mrs. Merton agrees to do a bit of babysitting for a pregnant neighbour, Malcolm receives the first reply from his pen pal of twenty-six years, and Arthur shows off his fancy footwork when he joins in with a Riverdance.

"Well, me feet won't do what me 'ead's telling 'em to, Mam."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 8 March 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Malcolm manages to arrange a date with Judith Potts from the chemist, Arthur forgets to put some stuff on Mr. Merton's troublesome gums, and Mrs. Merton tries to make sure that her son looks a right bobby-dazzler.

"Did you hear about Peggy Gosworth and her new windows?... PVC they are. Double glazed inside and out... Last forever apparently. And you never have to paint them. The man who put them in said they'd be there long after the house was knocked down."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 15 March 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Mrs. Merton reaches for the A-Z Book of Diseases when Malcolm falls ill, Mr. Malik from the chemist pops by to offer some medical advice, and a phonecall to the pet shop reveals the truth about the whole situation.

"There's so many illnesses to choose from. Why they bother inventing new ones I'll never know."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 22 March 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

The house is made ready for a visit from Aunt Morag from Scotland, Malcolm struggles to reach a decision about ornament arrangement, and Mrs. Merton decides that Arthur and her twin sister should be together.

"Oh, Arthur's a saint you know, Morag. Not a week goes by where he doesn't come round with something for Mr. Merton to suck on."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 29 March 1999
Directed by: John Birkin
Written by: Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Henry Normal

Malcolm and Mrs. Merton arrive back from the funeral of Mr. Merton, Glenn Miller's music almost manages to bring some life to the occasion, and the vicar can't apologise enough for trying to bury the wrong man.

"You'll eat dead man's nut brittle, won't you, Mr. Malik?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

MRS. DOROTHY
MERTON

The Mrs. Merton Show (31 episodes)
Mrs. Merton & Malcolm (6 episodes)
Played by Caroline Aherne

MALCOLM MERTON

The Mrs. Merton Show (2 episodes)
Mrs. Merton & Malcolm (6 episodes)
Played by Craig Cash

ARTHUR CAPSTICK

Mrs. Merton & Malcolm
(6 episodes)
Played by Brian Murphy

MR. MALIK

Mrs. Merton & Malcolm
(3 episodes)
Played by Rashid Karapiet