Favorite American Comedy Movies

The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!

Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?



"Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."



Is this your homework, Larry?

"Oh look at this, I got blueberry syrup on my safari jacket. "



"Don't make me wanna go hippety-hop."



"Perhaps if you apologize to the man, gave him flowers... uh... perhaps a fruit basket with a card depicting a misty seascape and inscribed with a sentiment."

"It's a rocket!"



"When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."



"It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want."

"Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."



"Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!"



"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

"Elvis: No offense, Jack, but President Kennedy was a white man.
JFK: They dyed me this color! That's how clever they are!"



"It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that."



"JFK: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty."
Elvis: Say what?
JFK: Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it."

Goodbye mama, now you can have ice cream in heavan! I'll see you again tonight when I go to bed in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!



Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.



Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.

Anyway, listen, I meant to ask you, I need a cool way to kill people. Don't worry, for my script.



Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish." I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. That's how much "fuck fish." That was 17 years ago and I have never stuck so much as a toe in that ocean. And I love the ocean.



Okay, well here's the twist. We find out that, that the killer really suffers from multiple personality disorder, right? See, he's actually really the cop and the girl. All of them are him. Isn't that fucked up?

"And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C."



"Mrs. Peacock was a man?"



"Why should the police come? Nobody's called them."

"The Lone Rangers? That's original. How can you pluralize "The Lone Ranger"?"



"Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later."



"My real Name's Chester...I was a Geek in High School, had really short Hair, played "Dungeons and Dragons", ate my own Boogers, and had a Bug Collection. And I would understand if you didn't love me anymore."

"Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!"



"Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara. [pause]We're from Georgia."



Faigelehs?

"Every night it's the fucking chicken! Holy God Almighty! Is it possible just once we could get something to eat for dinner around here that's not the goddamned fucking chicken?"



"Don't kill yourself tonight."



"I'd like to dedicate this to my grandpa, who showed me these moves."

Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social, and Jew.



Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?



What's up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We're looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no hos.

CPR, man! I saw it on Baywatch, man!



Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched TV and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did.



Yeah, well, we weren't in hell! I mean, there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music...Yeah, kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices, they were saying, "come to us, come towards the light".We figured, fuck it! I mean, it was really far!

Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?



I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.



The files are IIIINNNNN the computer??????

Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.



Shi' mo cain ma foh mess wi' ain?!



I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.

Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.



Eli: I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.
Richie: But you didn't have a drug problem then.
Eli: Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.



Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well, I think you should quit.

Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.



Price. A fair price. That's not what you say it is, and it's not what I say it is... It's what the market will bear. Now there's people - and I know 'em - who'll pay a lot more than $25,000 for a healthy baby. Why, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was in 1954 dollars.



Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.