what a title tells me about a movie 2

a telling chapter in the saga of men who face adversity everyday stemming from testicular flatness, a subject most consider taboo. this movie is actually a sequel to the original Long Flat Balls: You Wish You Had Them which saw release only in select theaters throughout the country. unfortunately, as is the case with so many deserving films, Long Flat Balls II just didn't have the bounce needed to maintain a long and gratifying stay in the box offices.


see, now that's just the kind of honesty women appreciate.

Goremet, CEO of the original Hell's Kitchen, was a self-made mogul, turning a loose gathering of Julia Child groupies into a well disciplined army of culinary hell spawns hungry for the homemade taste of soylent green à la carte. Goremet ended his dynastic reign by severing his body into three parts: the stomach which became Mario Batali, the brains which became Rachael Ray, and the ever lovable anal polyp which remained in Hell's Kitchen as Gordon Ramsay.


risotto!

Pew! Pew pew! Pew-pew-PEW!!


you do not want day-old farts

a lighthearted and spirited modernday renovation of the gospel according to doubting thomas. what began as a game among friends and victims, the practice of eating someone else's flesh and blood dates back at least to the time of Jesus (0 B.C.) who reportedly offered his blood in a chalice of spiritual deathlessness to anyone prepared to pass through the cold flame of self-annihilation.

smells like salvation? smells like booooring. but add jazz hands + elton john, and i'm sooo going gay for jesus!


what wouldn't Jesus do?


♫ lolz! touché, my friend. touché. ♪

combining one man's scatophobia with the universal love of gun-toting Asian zombies, this 2011 Cannes Film Festival runner-up will certainly not disappoint fans of the rapidly growing asian-undead-schoolgirl-latrine genre


okay that is the last time i eat at Denny's

when simply dancing on your grave isn't enough


i am standing in my own peepee right now

if any one movie put the elusive yet fascinating manboob (known affectionately as the moob in the United States) into public consciousness, it was this movie. this is the movie to watch for all you boob fans, with something for just about everybody: from sideboobs to underboobs, from innies to outties, big'uns to littl'uns, and of course, as previously mentioned, the first ever mantitty ever caught on film. this is vintage stuff you just do not want to miss!! (now available on blu-ray!)


and here we have a young cadet at the boob academy training hard as it were

even our poop is red, white and blue!
...but in all likelihood that's probably because we eat way too much beef and there's something wrong with our livers now


americans: we're just dumb enough to eat anything called "beef"

what i can tell you based on this title is that the producers didn't give a shit if nobody came to see it. how can you expect me to take it serious when you give it such a stupid name? i'm never going to watch this land of yakkity yak movie. see, i already forgot what it was called.

a highly experimental film in the dialog-free style of Baraka showcasing the planet's endangered species as they urinate on one another


one of the film's emotional climaxes

to defend the honor of America from terrorists and Godzilla


In Godzilla We Trust

a frank and stirring account of one man's rise from rags to riches in the dog-eat-dog world of the adult entertainment industry. a wonderful retelling of cinderella, this proves the old adage: you just cannot go wrong with the classics.


so get a grip

i have this recurring nightmare where i'm with this really pretty girl and everything's going great. she's all hot and bothered like a nice ripe peach just begging to be plucked. And then she starts talking. And her voice is Keith David the voice of Spawn deep...and then i start breastfeeding her. often i wake up disoriented covered in sweat soaked lingerie, usually with mascara running down my face...
yah, this movie would probably scare the holy shit out of me...


♥ sweet dreams...








♫ omg, that would scare the me out of me, too ♪

the most experimental film of all time, this movie has pushed the very definition of film to a beautiful extreme. told through the eyes of a cadaver straight off the operating table, Things to Do is a startling, soul-searching, cathartic 2 hours of silence and black screen filmed entirely in the rugged foothills of the Rocky Mountains. i don't want to give away anymore than that.

there's nothing like a nice slathering of guacamole on a fish taco


great, now i'm hungry

a movie about Congress clearly


uhhh what beast?

the latest craze in japanese game shows, where contestants must visit stores inside of a merchandise mall full of death traps and puzzles. the goal of each team is to collect every item on the wish list before the time limit runs out or before they're captured by one of the many subhuman trolls lurking throughout the mall.


team captains proudly attired in traditional samurai game show garb

then technically you're only legally married in one of seven states or the district of columbia.


okay, you can tread on me...but gently, tony. gently.

Barn of the Naked Dead followed a ragtag crew as they secretly gathered up fresh corpses from the local population, stripped them down to their birthday suits and hid them inside the barns of unsuspecting farmers. Sort of a Blair Witch Project meets Punk'd. unfortunately for the crew, the harmless mischief came to a sudden and woodchipped end when one of the farmers, believing his barn to be haunted, committed suicide. the crew was arrested and plans for the sequel were scrapped. a newspaper clipping sheds light on the gruesome details: warning, content may not be appropriate for children or simple, childlike adults.



now that is what i call an air-tight alibi

which was followed by the acclaimed sequel About the Physician Who Was Afraid of the Very Pissed-Off Hippopotamus, an educational film shown at medical schools to teach doctors the proper way to vaccinate large, hungry, hungry animals. it's all a part of their hippopotamus oath.


hippo-flu is real, people. wake up. cluck.

the hell did i just say?

the harrowing account based on the broadway musical of a young child who discovers her father dead in the closet after a tragic end to some innocent autoerotic asphyxiation and furious self-pleasuring. that just goes to show, you can never be too safe. you should always, always, ALWAYS have someone watch you when you're beating it.


definitely no deal

when actual human beings are traded for household commodities. i'm told the going rate as of today is two virgin maids for a role of single-ply. sad how far the economy has sunk...

where she fits right in and has no trouble finding a high-paying career as a successful and highly sought after callgirl in the Capitol, passed around in the circle jerk of lobbyists, congress, and costco like a piece of meat no one can say no to. but after one too many threesomes, this happy-go-lucky hooker becomes disenchanted with the wanton lifestyle of greed and cocaine rampant in washington. so she does what any level headed girl who turns cheap tricks for crack in her situation would do: she goes political. Starting her own PAC, the happy hooker takes on the man. But this time, she's on top. can she finally change the way business is done in the capitol, for all our sakes? sadly this was not the destiny meant for her. she entered the system hoping to change it from within, but was instead changed herself. forgetting her roots as a smalltown slut, the hooker goes bigtime in D.C., earning her law degree online and selling out faster than sarah palin for a book deal. the fact is she was a good kid who was beat down one too many times.

a continuation of the original The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington: It's Teabaggin' Time which saw the meteoric rise of a country girl turned political activist turned typical washington political sellout. in this chapter of the saga, the hooker takes her story to hollywood, land of honesty and innovation, but network execs aren't as interested in her backstory as they are in her backside. she spirals back into her old ways, at times forgetting about that interlude in DC and living only for the present, the here and now, the sweaty dome of some follically impotent hollywood exec. without giving away too many more deets, I do want to add that our happy hooker does finally get her movie deal and the story of her life was conveyed in these two made-for-TV lifetime originals i have just accurately reviewed having just watched them on hulu. there was talk of a book deal as well, but my sources tell me it was scrapped due to sensitive political information which could have endangered the marriages and family values of several top and leading authority figures who make laws.


america finally gets a new national monument