My Steam Library

10,000,000 is the number of hours I'll likely put into this game before I'm done....What? I beat it in 8 hours?....10,000,000 is the number of milliseconds I put into this game to beat it. Don't bother doing the math to see if that's right because it is. If you get a different answer, you did it wrong, so just save yourself the trouble and listen to me, alright? And play this game. It's wonderful.

I'd write all about this game...but I can't remember....I must have Amnesia. Get it? Oh, man that was good. I really had you going there, didn't I? Oh, man....Oh, man.....Gotta catch my breath from laughing so hard........Whew. But seriously, I can't remember.

Isaac is naked. Am I the only one catching this? This is like a pedophile's dream come true - an entertaining game with naked children in the starring role....Along with corpses, poop, pee, blood, and assorted other goodies. You can also take steroids if you're lucky enough to find a needle...Or befriend your dead brothers and sisters, all murdered and buried in the basement by your mumsie. How Fisher Price didn't hop on board to publish this, I'll never know.

I was hoping that this game was like a spiritual sequel to the movie Bio Dome....But Pauly Shore was nowhere to be seen. What a gyp. There was only an interesting story, unique setting, and fun gameplay....But none of that matters when Pauly Shore's awesome 'tude isn't prevalent in the game. I often have to pretend that a Big Daddy is really a Big Pauly just to make it through to the end of the game. True story.

You know, the guy on the cover is a perfect example of the stupidity of the folks you fight. The jerk is trying to commit suicide by shooting himself in the skull with a hand in the shape of a gun. Your hand doesn't contain bullets, buddy. Unless you've got the Midas touch to turn your body into a carcass of solid gold, you best get a real gun....And when you do, shoot some of them claptraps before you shoot your own brains out, ya hear?

I wanted this to be a bad game so I could call it Dungeon Farts, due to it stinking. Instead, it smells like fresh roses or melted butter or whatever you think is a pleasant smell. Does anyone think that melted butter is a pleasant smell? I think they should. Melted butter makes me think of oysters and owls...I don't like either one of those, but they probably smell nice...Kind of like this game.

Final Fantasy VII in North America was actually Final Fantasy VII in Japan. Weird, I know, but for some reason the genius marketing team at Squaresoft decided to make the numbers the same in both regions. What sense does that make? This will always be Final Fantasy IV in my heart.

FlatOut is a mixture of mediocre racing and pretty dang fun mini-games...And your driver is often hurled from the vehicle regardless of the mode you play. The guy driving the cars could learn a lot from a dummy. Buckle your safety belt. Y' know if the Incredible Crash Dummies were in this game, I would proclaim it to be the greatest video game creation in the history of civilization. But they're not....So it's a FlatOut average game. See what I did there? Man, I'm good.

FTL sounds more like internet slang for something dumb like "Fight the Lemurs" or "Fondle Tall Llamas." Instead it stands for "Faster Than Light" because it has faster-than-light space travel in it. The title really would have sent the wrong message if it involved slower-than-donkey space travel, wouldn't it?

This game made PCs like anti-cats. Cats have nine lives. PCs have Half-Life. I worked on that joke for like six and a half weeks and it was so worth it. If you didn't like it, you need to get a life....a Half-Life. Oh, that one was on the fly and it was just as good! I'm just gonna stop there. Too much grade-A humor in one block of text is bad for the health.

I like to think that this game is about furries...That group of people that like to dress up like Chuck E. Cheese and engage in intercourse. I use this logic based on the logic of one of my film teachers from college (who was also a raging feminist) who said that in scary movies, females become heroes only after they "wield a penis"...In other words, any sort of weapon mildly shaped like a tinklebug like a bat, a knife, a gun, etc. A lady wielding a real dingaling would be intercourse. So, the furries wield the weapons that resemble wieners in the eyes of my feminist film teacher...Which is like bloody, furry intercourse. With phones. I guess it could be Adult Hotline Miami, eh?

Webster states that Lucid is Charlie Brown's annoying friend that always pulls the football away...The television character Webster, that is. He's so dang adorable. But anyway, he's mostly right, 'cause Lucid is pretty annoying at times...and slow....and tedious. It can be okay, but after getting bitten in the face by a dog, it can feel alright at times, too. Doesn't mean you're not bleeding. Get what I mean? No? Nevermind.

So, if the rock in Rock of Ages is a man (if it's a lady, she needs some work done), and the rock is sometimes ablaze, does that mean I should be referring to this rock-hard man as hot? What...What are these feelings I'm experiencing? No, this is wrong....Yet it feels so right. But it won't work. We're too different, that rock and I. I'm a quiet, bearded fellow with an odd sense of humor....And he's just a rock that rolls around and breaks things. Plus, I think he's a Scorpio and that means we just wouldn't get along well. Sorry rock, I'll stick with the lady folk...But I'll still think of what might have been.

Super Hexagon is what I see every day when I snort tap water. I know it's a bad habit, but I can't break it. It gets me high...drated. As the Italians would say, "Botta Bing!"

Terraria is like a game that you can dig in...Like real digging, and when you're done digging you might get some dirt to carry around. Why are you carrying around dirt? Because you can, you cynic. Terraria is all about freedom. The freedom to carry dirt, the freedom to get murdered by a horde of zombies, even the freedom to chop the head off of an adorable, white bunny rabbit just because it failed to tell you that it was late...And that's a freedom we all should have.