Christmastime Viewings: 2019

First Viewing


Plot: A mischievous 14-year-old boy and his irresponsible uncle almost ruin Christmas when they decide to take Santa's new high-tech sleigh for a joyride.

I don't know which vault Disney had to crack open, or how many cobwebs they had to dust off in the process, but this Disney Channel Original Christmas movie from 2001 was available on Disney+, so I decided to give it a whirl purely for the sake of Bryan Cranston. And... It's a Disney Christmas movie, that's all you need to know. It's assembled from cliches, including redemptive arcs and a Santa in crisis, stealing from movies like Disney's own The Santa Clause as well as several other non-Christmas movies. It's not funny or well-made enough to make for a compelling watch, but neither is it aggressively terrible. It's completely middle of the road, making it acceptable for background noise during the Christmas season, or something to watch while you're drunk or high late at night. I can't say I regret watching it, which is something.

First Viewing


Plot: As familial dramas play out on Christmas Day, the festivities are disturbed by a cloaked stranger who begins killing members of the extended family one by one, while Diane (Dee Wallace) harbours a dark secret.

Red Christmas is a low-budget Australian horror film with a strong anti-abortion agenda. Although this subtext ostensibly exists to give the otherwise by-the-numbers slasher antics some meaning, it's lathered on with the grace and subtlety of a shotgun, taking focus away from what horror fans are coming to see: the gore. Unfortunately, most of the killings are mean-spirited as hell, not to mention character behaviour is predictably silly, and the movie at no point manages to convince us that this Dementor-like figure is actually a threat. The movie is effective in fits and starts, but it's unable to sustain itself - this premise would have been better served as a 20-minute short movie. Furthermore, camerawork is awful at times, some of the killings are incomprehensible, and it's unclear why no other police show up after the sheriff (attending by himself) is brutally killed. It's also unclear why the family, with their iPhones, don't constantly make more phone calls for help. Like, even a reception dead spot contrivance would be preferable. Also, the posters try to give off a retro Black Christmas vibe, but the movie is executed in a modern style with banal digital photography. Just... why? I try to support Australian films as much as possible, but it's hard to defend this one.

First Viewing


Plot: Two sisters and their families spend - or rather, endure - Christmas at their late parents' dilapidated country house.

Surviving Christmas with the Relatives honestly feels like it was written by AI, which was tasked with developing a script after having been shown everything from Christmas Vacation to Love Actually and Four Christmases. Frankly, I could not imagine a more by-the-numbers dysfunctional family Christmas movie, as it ticks every box - quirky relatives, familial drama, last-minute Christmas shopping, problems cooking the Christmas lunch, and even a Korean exchange student stereotype who cannot understand English correctly. It lumbers from scene to scene, with the days hazily defined, and leaves a lot of loose ends. It never accomplishes anything of substance, and it can't even achieve a moving finale which pulls everything together. In a nutshell, the movie feels like an assembly cut which is about to be subjected to re-editing and reshoots, because it's all over the place. The cast are game and it's certainly slick enough, while the English countryside always looks lovely in motion pictures, but it's just not funny enough, not clever enough, not witty enough, and too haphazard. I checked my watch countless times throughout the 100-minute running time. It's not an abomination, but there's no reason to check this one out, unless you're desperate for Christmas movies.

First Viewing


Plot: Go! tells the story of the events after a drug deal, told from three different points of view.

Go is probably not the first film that people think of on the topic of Christmas movies (some might, but that's on you). Still, I've been wanting to watch this for a long time, it was a 99 cent rental on iTunes, and it's set at Christmas - so it qualifies for this list. Don't expect any meaningful, upbeat Christmas messages in Go, nor is the Christmas setting a big deal. With that said, though, this is a fucking great film. It's funny, it's got great actors, and it's thoroughly engaging thanks to John August's astute screenplay as well as Doug Liman's slick direction. This is one for the Blu-ray shelf.

First Viewing


Plot: A father and son who team up to save Christmas once they discover Santa Claus sleeping in their garage after crashing his sleigh and finding himself on the run from the police.

I only sought this one out because of director Christopher Smith, who's known for his dark, R-rated movies, but I didn't know what to expect - and I did not expect to like it as much as I did. First things first, this is a children's film through and through; it's a PG-rated fantasy adventure that's completely appropriate for all ages (as long as you don't find flatulence too offensive). Get Santa is a slick and colourful Yuletide flick with a charming cast, including Jim Broadbent who's unsurprisingly perfect as Father Christmas. It's a sweet story to boot, with all the usual messages about what really matters in life, and it manages to pack some genuine heart. I laughed, and I grew to care about the characters and get involved in the story. And while not even halfway through my viewing, I jumped online to order the Blu-ray. How's that for an endorsement? Get Santa is worth your time.

First Viewing


Plot: A toy factory worker, mentally scarred as a child upon learning Santa Claus is not real, suffers a nervous breakdown after being belittled at work, and embarks on a Yuletide killing spree.

It's a Christmas slasher movie produced on a tiny budget, what else do you want to know? Christmas Evil has become something of a cult item in the years since its release - even John Waters is an avid fan. Thankfully, it's more entertaining and not as mean-spirited as something like Silent Night, Deadly Night, and there's a worthwhile story to tell here. There are some good, gory kills to boot, and the final shot is mildly iconic. There's not much else to say about this one.

First Viewing


Plot: Santa's daughter finds herself having to take over the family business.

Uh, so Noelle is a Disney Christmas movie, and the studio had so much faith in the final product that they sent it straight to streaming after cancelling the theatrical release. How's that for a warning? Look, Noelle is not an abomination on the same level as the Santa Clause sequels, but it is a totally disposable Disney Christmas film which treads well-worn territory without adequate wit or skill to pull together something truly involving or entertaining. Story points are predictable as hell, and it even manages to find time for a political agenda by making Santa Claus a woman. Just watch the shock of the straight white males when the mere suggestion is raised. Sigh. Plus, the digital effects are...awful. Just awful. Disney is not short on cash, but these are the best CGI animals they could commission? Yeesh. No wonder they didn't want to risk throwing this one into multiplexes. So yeah, I watched this one for the hell of it (I do have Disney+, so it didn't cost me anything), and I won't watch it again unless I have a compelling reason. Your time is better spent elsewhere.

First Viewing


Plot: A simple act of kindness always sparks another, even in a frozen, faraway place. When Smeerensburg's new postman, Jesper, befriends toymaker Klaus, their gifts melt an age-old feud and deliver a sleigh full of holiday traditions.

Well... Where the hell did this one come from? At first glance, when this title appeared on the Netflix home screen, I erroneously assumed it would be another fluffy Christmas animated feature in the vein of Saving Santa or Arthur Christmas, but I was in for a delightful surprise: something much, much better. Although there are some predictable story beats, Klaus packs plenty of heart as it pulls together an original story which presents a fresh alternative take on the origins of Christmas. The voice cast is wonderful, with every single cast member hitting their marks confidently, while the animation is simply gorgeous - I'm just disappointed I couldn't catch this one on the big screen, to appreciate everything in more detail. Both children and adults alike will enjoy this one, and it'll become another household holiday staple in the years to come. Highly recommended.