British Comedy: Q...

Years: 1969-1980
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sketch
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand, Terence Mazurke,
John Antrobus, Philippe Le Bars, Chris Langham
Stars: Spike Milligan, John Bluthal
Episodes: 32 (4 lost)
Episode Average: 3.571

BEST EPISODE:
Series 1, Episode 2 (1969), Series 2, Episode 1 (1975)

Q5

(1969)
7 episodes (4 lost)
Series Score: 17
Episode Average: 5.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 24 March 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

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S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 31 March 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand,
Philippe Le Bars (Additional)

SKETCHES:
Good Evening in 4 Takes --- Pim-Pom Po-Po-Pom
Party Political Broadcasts --- Ernest Skwonk: Sympathy Hump
Waterboy --- Comedy Spies --- Pim-Pom Po-Po-Pom Voxpops
Live From Westminster
Sports Parade: Singing Race, Standing Still Race, Grandmother Hurling
A Solution to the Colour Problem --- Weather Forecast

"I am Inspector McShagnasty, and I arrest you, your brown trousers and your tartan slippers, with a spot of orange marmalade on the toe, for the robbery."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 7 April 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Try Your Weight --- Magic Word This Week: A Tree Fell On Her
Taking the Pill --- Custard Pie Attacks --- Instant Husband
Ernest Skwonk: K-nowledge of the World
Court: Steam Dick's Turkish Bath vs. Harry Secombe
Piano Problems ---- Suffering with Elephants --- Swami Ned Teeth
The Singing Lunges --- Win a Plate of Funny Gravy

"Silence! I will not have under-rehearsed mumbling in this court!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

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S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 14 April 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand,
John Antrobus (Additional)

SKETCHES:
Eye Hospital --- The National Anthem
At the Zoo: Elephant --- Get Married --- Beat the Doc
Court: Hong Kong Flu --- Hymn Number 141 --- At the Zoo: Copper
The Free Welsh Army --- Margarine
Anything to Declare?: Suitcase --- Gypsy Football Results
Amnesiacs Anonymous --- Anything to Declare?: Portmanteau
At the Zoo: Hostage --- Getting Rid of Stains on Bedclothing

"I'm sorry, Your worship, but I must apprehend you for sneezing in public. And I must warn you that any further atchoos you may issue will be taken down and used in evidence against you."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 21 April 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

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S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 28 April 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 5 May 1969
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

THIS IS A LOST EPISODE

Q6

(1975)
6 episodes
Series Score: 27
Episode Average: 4.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 6 November 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Duke of Marlborough Country --- Honson & Bedges --- Salaries
P.O.W. Camp --- Actors from Colditz --- The Groping Doctor Sketch
The Smallest Police Station in the World
Live from a Window Ledge in Peckham --- Directing the Traffic
The Great Golf Rush --- Stars On Sunday --- The Good Samaritan
Are You...?

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Doggerel Bank: Mister Skillicorn Dances

"Listen, Constable, I died in the last war for people like you!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 13 November 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Beggar --- Good Evening --- Open University: Hitler's Bacon
Quasimodo --- News at Ten --- Paint by Numbers --- Hands Up!
Lovely Lady --- Funeral --- Idiot Scout Troop --- Escaped from Butlins

MUSICAL GUEST:
Stan Tracey: Panama Red

"Hands up! Don't try anything funny. I get the laughs in this show."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 20 November 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Recap --- The Tribal High: The Cock a Knees
BBC Nine O'Clock News --- BBC TV Economy Sketch
Where Does It Hurt --- Premium Bond Winner

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: The Silly Old Baboon

"They, for instance, believe that if you post a message in the mouth of this iron god, a horned uniformed devil will come, rip open the stomach, take out the message, and lose it forever."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 27 November 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Romeo, Romeo --- And Now Over To... --- Birthday Parcel
The First Irishmen in Space --- The Believe It or Not Olympics
The Governor of the Bank of England --- Francis Bacon's Gallery
The Mousetrap

MUSICAL GUEST:
Jeremy Taylor (with Alun Davies): Massanga

"We're just in time for the start of the 100 metres advanced sex maniac's dash. There go the hares. And there they are, warming up. If they don't start soon, they'll all go blind."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 4 December 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand
Terence Mazurke (Additional)

SKETCHES:
Flasher --- A Nose from Princess Anne --- Poker: Green Shield Stamps
Height Laws: An Actual Case --- Court: Illegally Tall in Lewisham
Poker: A Bottle of Brown --- Vermin Control
Poker: A Pre-War Overcoat --- Photographing the Chief of Police
1975 Financial Crisis and the Good Old Days

MUSICAL GUEST:
Alan Clare: John O'Groats

"You have three plastic ducks crawling up the wall. You have a china Alsatian dog in the window. And you have a signed photo of Bert Weedon on the mintelpoose tankelpete, dot dot dot, question mark, snells. And we must get a new typist."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S2E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 11 December 1975
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand,
Chris Langham (Additional)

SKETCHES:
Pakistani Daleks --- The Traffic Warden --- The Bald Defector
Impressions --- Liberace's Piano --- Princess Margaret Interview
Sherlock Holmes and the Archbishop of Canterbury

MUSICAL GUEST:
Avi Toledano: Why?

"I must warn you that anything you say that is funnier than me will be cut out in the edited repeats."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

Q7

(1978)
7 episodes
Series Score: 23
Episode Average: 3.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 3 January 1978
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
A Party Political Broadcast on Behalf of the Labour Party
How to Start Your Own Wine Cellar --- Hello, Cobbers!
Sex, Peas & Chips --- The Oddball Comedy Show
The Bermuda Triangle --- Feeding the Birds --- Prime Building Land

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: The Goose Walk

"'Oh, yes'? That's no bleeding good! 'Oh, yes"! I want to get rid of her! Look at her. She's got a face like a dog's bum with a hat on!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 10 January 1978
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Pianist --- Here's a Way... --- East Finchley Labour Exchange
Getting Ridiculous --- Grandstand: Crufts Male of the Year Show
A Castaway on a Desert Island --- Music Translation & Telepathy
Dangerous Dan McGrew --- New German Opera Season
The Late Night News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: The Snow Goose Theme

"You've shot my Dick again!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

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S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 17 January 1978
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Big Ben --- The Mammoth Cast --- Scores in the Bedroom
The New Humanitarian Approach to Crime
Court: The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London
The Irish Olympics --- Fishing Limits --- The Hour Late News

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Louis Stewart Duo: Bangles, Baubles & Beads

"'To draw attention to one'e self when one is having the crap beaten out of him, stick in gob and blow.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 24 January 1978
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Cleopatra's Tomb --- Royal Viewing --- Be Careful
England's First Space Rocket --- You Stepped Out of the Dust
NHS Doctor: Squeaky Voice --- Inspector McCastle Needs a Murder
Queen Victoria Plays Punk Rock
7 Famous Detectives in a Waiting Room

MUSICAL GUESTS:
Sheba Sound: The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba

"Ha-ha-ha. I will catch you. Ha-ha-ha. You can't get away from me. Ha-ha-ha-ha."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 31 January 1978
Directed by:
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand
John Antrobus (Additional)

SKETCHES:
Artist's Model --- Hungry People --- Worry Sketch
Firing Range --- There's Too Much Violence on Television
Bagpipes --- Classical Plays On the Buses --- Atomick
Queen's Jubilee Boy Scouts Anonymous

MUSICAL GUEST:
Alan Clare: The Way We Were

"Hey, Louis. Take it easy. We don't wanna kill him. The show is going bad enough as it is."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 14 February 1978
Directed by: Ian MacNaughton
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand,
Terence Mazurke (Additional Material)

SKETCHES:
Putting the Dog Out --- Union Jack Jockey Pants
A Small Welsh Mining Village... --- Dentist Waiting Room
The New Life of an MP --- Robbed By Royal Appointment

MUSICAL GUEST:
Sheba Sound: Zwei Freunde Polka

"Not legally, no. You may be my wife, but to me you're just fifty stone fat, flab, cold porridge with a few hairs here and there."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S3E7

EPISODE 7

Originally broadcast: 21 February 1978
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Giant Egg --- Fitting Through the Hole --- Edward Heath
The Five Star Hotel Tycoons --- An Interview with the Queen's Chicken
Rachmaninoff's Variation on a Theme by Paganini
Join the Irish Guards

MUSICAL GUEST:
Franciscus Henri: Ginger Man

"Excuse me, I have paid a vast amount of money for these complimentary tickets."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

Q8

(1979)
6 episodes
Series Score: 20
Episode Average: 3.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 4 April 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Kuwait News --- Nightmares, Elephants & Commentaries
Singing & Hanging Awards Ceremony --- Match of the Day
Always Wear Clean Underwear --- Bank Robbery
American Express --- Tuba Mania

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): That Photo of You

"I'm sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

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S4E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 11 April 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand,
Terence Mazurke (Additional Material)

SKETCHES:
Gallery Robbery --- The Return of Adolf Hitler --- Red Indians
Supercover: Food --- Duck Call --- Elephant Hunter
English Channel For Sale --- Supercover: Food
The First Plumber in Space --- No Fire --- Dramatic Silent Ending

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): Love to Make Music By

"Oh, it's another first for Ireland. Irish scientists to carry out the first haemorrhoid transplant."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S4E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 18 April 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Parking Metre --- News at Ten: Cuckoo --- This Is Your Life
Puzzle Corner --- Eurowardens
The Lady Chatterley Potting Shed Lecture
Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey --- Did You Know...?
Sexual Hindrance Shop --- Winston Churchill
Mastermind of Ireland --- A Tribute to the Late Sir Edward Elgar
The Two Hour Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): Woe Is Me

"My husband was a sex maniac. Ooh, I couldn't take no more of it, but that's all stopped since I bought my sexual hindrance mangle... and dropped it on 'im."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

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S4E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 25 April 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Sox Milixegz --- The Evening News --- Security at Windsor Castle
Suffering From Pythons --- Variations on "Waiter, Waiter..."
Rubbish Sketch --- Double Your Yokel --- Knickers to the Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: Taken You For Granted

"Hello! Ooh, you come out of bed the wrong side this morning, did you?"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S4E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 2 May 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Remember Mons, Sir: Street --- Irish Jokes & News
The Idiot of the Year Show --- Stuffed
Farmers Panorama on Sunday --- Remember Mons, Sir: Car
A Complaint About the Duchess of Argyll's Dog
Feeding the Giraffes --- Remember Mons, Sir: Restaurant
Notre Dame Labour Exchange Irishmen Extra
Remember Mons, Sir: Bed --- The Late, Late, Late, Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: The Carpet's Always Greener Under Someone Else's Bed

"Yes, Stuffed. Go out and get Stuffed today."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S4E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 9 May 1979
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Need Glasses --- A Secondhand Good Evening
Royal Windsor Scout Group --- Anti-Yap --- Accent Problem
Unidentified Flying Sausage ---Army Recruiting Year
Solderama Massage Sauna and NAAFI Club
Reader's Digest and Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): The Silly Old Baboon

"I find it difficult to believe I'm saying these sodding lines."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

Q9

(1980)
6 episodes
Series Score: 19
Episode Average: 2.17
Perfect 10's: 0

S5E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 17 June 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
A Letter from the BBC --- Good Evening Oil Painting
A World War One --- The Body in Question --- Doctor Sketch
Fleet Street Printers Strike --- An Interesting News Item
Tomorrow's World: An Extraordinary Undertaking
Waking Up Late For the Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): One Sunny Day

"A man was arrested in Hyde Park today for feeding the squirrels. He was feeding them to his dog. the dog was last seen running up an elm tree trying to save his nuts for the winter."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

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S5E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 24 June 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Boom! --- The Pope in the News --- Right Luggage Counter
Buckingham Palace Sentry Sketch --- Piano Drought
Late News Interrupted

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch

"You see not everybody can play the piano. Whereas a mangle doesn't take much talent to play."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S5E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 1 July 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Concerto: Moved --- Piano Problems II --- Puzzled News
Nothing Wrong With You --- Concerto: Repossessed --- Hamlet
Singing Underwater --- Chair Sale --- Crossing the Niagara Falls
The Nate Light News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: Living Again

"Yes, light up a Hamlet today."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S5E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 8 July 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Giant Sale --- Unprepared News --- Flying Carpet
Crufts Dog Show --- Sportsnight: Annual Criminal Sports
Ridderladder --- A Merry Guardsman --- Rev. Franklin
And Now... --- And Now... The Late Night News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch: Eleanor/Love Is

"You twit! That's not Bach, that's Beethoven! You see? His Bach is worse than his Beethoven!"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S5E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 15 July 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Concerto: Punches --- News Backdrop Problem
My Funny Valentine Day Massacre --- Auction --- Arrrgh, Jim Lad!
An Apology For Waterloo --- I Say, I Say, I Say!
No Socks Please, We're British --- Some Late News

MUSICAL GUEST:
Ed Welch (with Spike Milligan): I Couldn't Wait to Tell You

"Finally... a valuable talking parrot has escaped from the Archbishop of Canterbury's palace in Lambeth. It answers to the name of 'Comer 'ere, you little bastard'."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

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S5E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 22 July 1980
Directed by: Ray Butt
Written by: Spike Milligan, Neil Shand

SKETCHES:
Firing Squad --- Failing News --- New Tennis Techniques
Insect Audition --- Irish Weather Report
Royal Windsor One Off Health Centre --- Irish Conjuror
Down Tools --- What Are We Gonna Do Now?

MUSICAL GUESTS
Anna Raven & Ed Welch: Did It Happen

"Yes, that's why I'm an ex-actor. You see, I was appearing in the Ten Commandments. Mine was, 'Thou shalt not bite Moses up the bum.'"

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

16 April 1918 - 27 February 2002
SOME OF HIS CHARACTERS:

as...

ERNEST SKWONK

in... Ernest Skwonk: K-nowledge of the World (Q5E3)

as...

ZOOKEEPER

in... At the Zoo: Elephant (Q5E4)

as...

ADOLF HITLER

in... Open University: Hitler's Bacon (Q6E2)

as...

DOG'S BUM

in... Birthday Parcel (Q6E4)

as...

THE PHANTOM

in... Court: The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London (Q7E3)

as...

SERGEANT SCRACKLE

in... An Interview with the Queen's Chicken (Q7E7)

as...

PROFESSOR ARGHTHUDBLAT

in... The First Plumber in Space (Q8E2)

as...

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE CATFORD

in... Notre Dame Labour Exchange
Irishmen Extra (Q8E5)

as...

GUARDSMAN BRITT EKLAND

in... A Merry Guardsman (Q9E4)

as...

AL CAPONE

in... My Funny Valentine Day Massacre (Q9E5)

JOHN
BLUTHAL

28 surviving episodes (1969-1980)
in... 1975 Financial Crisis and
the Good Old Days (Q6E5)

DAVID
LODGE

21 episodes (1975-1980)
in... Dangerous Dan McGrew
(Q7E2)

ALAN
CLARE

20 surviving episodes (1969-1980)
in... A Nose From Princess Anne
(Q6E5)

Also appeared as a musical guest

JULIA
BRECK

20 episodes (1975-1980)
in... Prime Building Land
(Q7E1)

KEITH
SMITH

19 episodes (1978-1980)
in... No Fire
(Q8E2)

ROBERT
DORNING

13 episodes (1975-1978)
in... The Mammoth Cast
(Q7E3)

STELLA
TANNER

13 episodes (1975-1979)
in... Princess Margaret Interview
(Q6E6)

BOB
TODD

12 episodes (1979-1980)
in... No Fire
(Q8E2)

JOHN D.
COLLINS

11 episodes (1978-1979)
in... An Interview with the Queen's Chicken
(Q7E7)

RITA
WEBB

8 episodes (1975-1979)
in... The Bermuda Triangle
(Q7E1)

NEIL
SHAND

7 surviving episodes (1969-1978)

JEANNETTE
CHARLES

7 episodes (1975-1980)
in... The Bermuda Triangle
(Q7E1)

PETER
JONES

5 episodes (1975)
in... Live from a Window Ledge in Peckham
(Q6E1)

CHRIS
LANGHAM

5 episodes (1975)
in... Vermin Control
(Q6E5)

SHEILA
STEAFEL

4 episodes (1978)
in... Inspector McCastle Needs a Murder (Q3E4)

DOREMY
VERNON

4 episodes (1980)
in... Down Tools
(Q9E6)

ED
WELCH

15 episodes (1975-1980)

SHEBA
SOUND

2 episodes (1978)

DOGGEREL
BANK

1 episodes (1975)

STAN
TRACEY

1 episodes (1975)

JEREMY TAYLOR

(with Alun Davies)
1 episode (1975)

AVI
TOLEDANO

1 episode (1975)

LOUIS STEWART
DUO

1 episode (1978)

FRANCISCUS
HENRI

1 episode (1978)

ANNA
RAVEN

1 episode (1980)