British Comedy: Dinnerladies

Years: 1998-2000
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Victoria Wood
Stars: Victoria Wood, Thelma Barlow
Episodes: 16
Episode Average: 8.375

BEST EPISODES:
Toast (2000), Gamble (1999)

SERIES ONE

(1998)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

MONDAY

Originally broadcast: 12 November 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

The bread delivery's wrong, Jean's trying to organise her daughter's wedding, and the new HR manager is trying to get everyone to try Scottish dancing.

"Look, if we're not allowing sweaty vests into the conversation, we're certainly not dwelling on Norman's crusty bloomers!"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S1E2

ROYALS

Originally broadcast: 19 November 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Only Stan is excited about the news of a visit from a minor royal, but things soon get racy with talk of nipples and sex in the cupboard.

"Tony Blair, stick two poems up in a bus shelter and call it a university."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E3

SCANDAL

Originally broadcast: 26 November 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

The canteen becomes a possible location for a docu-soap, but Bren's mother has moved her caravan and toy boy into the car park.

"Male maintenance operative entering female relief premises for nut adjustment"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S1E4

MOODS

Originally broadcast: 3 December 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

A 'Bring Your Mother to Work' day is set up to raise staff spirits.

"Bren, can you spread them for Tony?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S1E5

TROUBLE AND STRIFE

Originally broadcast: 10 December 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Petula invites herself to the Christmas party as Bren's guest, and throws herself at all the men, including Tony, who she mistakes for Stan.

"I know all the catering appliances. I was going to go on Mastermind, but I can't sit on leather."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

NIGHTSHIFT

Originally broadcast: 17 December 1998
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Tony's off recovering from cancer treatment, and his replacement's a nightmare, one thing leads to another until there's only Bren left in the canteen.

"I can! Do an extra shift for that bum-faced craphound? I don't think so!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

SERIES TWO

(1999-2000)
10 episodes
Series Score: 87
Episode Average: 8.7
Perfect 10's: 4

S2E1

CATERING

Originally broadcast: 25 November 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

There's a puzzle in the canteen involving a rather long ladder and a bread woman desperate for a pee, and the new work experience girl is unlikely to have the answer.

"I thought I might not be able to park, but Stan dropped his bollards for me."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E2

TROUBLE

Originally broadcast: 2 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

There's rumours of a new flame for Bren, Jean turns into the beast from hell when her husband runs off with another woman, and Tony's not keen on the idea of going on holiday with Steve Greengrass.

"Do you think he does it with his hat on?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E3

HOLIDAYS

Originally broadcast: 9 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Stan's dad dies, holidays are being planned, and Petula's caravan explodes.

"I don't know Lenny, Gwinny's my pal. I did offer to have intercourse with him, well why not,I'm with Simone de Beauvoir on that. In the event, he had a costume fitting, so it was biked over in a Jiffy bag"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E4

FOG

Originally broadcast: 16 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

There's a convict on the loose, Jean and Anita have new men in their lives, and a holiday snap upsets Bren.

"Anita, you want to pump that Malcolm up a bit, you don't want him going down on you."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E5

GAMBLE

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Philippa takes over the organising of the Christmas decorations, and the ladies have a bet whether Tony and Bren will 'get it on' before Christmas, but an unexpected visitor spoils the moment.

"When I say these decs 'are Big Willie's', I mean they belong to Big Willie, Big Willie in packing, as youwell knew, and if your idea of a sophisticated piece of humour is laughing at the word 'willy', then I suggest you visit the Highlands of Scotland, which is liberally sprinkled with willies of all ages."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E6

CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

The unexpected appearance of her husband and Tony's secretive planning make Bren doubt Tony's feelings, and she writes out a letter of resignation.

"So I put all your details into the computer, Tom's teaching me how to do that. I'm dead keen actually, the minute he gets hime, I'm fiddling with his laptop."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S2E7

MINNELLIUM

Originally broadcast: 30 December 1999
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Philippa's Millennium Meal plans fall victim to traffic problems after rioting in the city centre, and a baby's found on the fire escape.

"Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody, bloody, bloody, frigging car!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E8

CHRISTINE

Originally broadcast: 13 January 2000
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

With Anita on maternity leave, there's a new face in the kitchen, but it's her backside that's causing the biggest problem, and her habit of insulting people.

"No, I'm talking now. I don't know how long I've got, so I've nothing to lose. The others were right about you, but I couldn't see it. You smell! You make personal remarks. You mix your tinned tomatoes up with your butter beans. You blow your nose on your tabard when you think nobodies looking. You've upset each and every one of us, but worst of all, you've made me fall out with my very dear friend, Jean, and I will never forgive you for that...you slimy, two-faced, flatulating bumhole!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S2E9

GRAVY

Originally broadcast: 27 January 2000
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

A new self-clearing policy is introduced, Tony suggests that he and Bren should move to Scotland to run a B&B, Petula announces that she only has weeks to live, and Bren goes on a television quiz show.

"Look, I'm trying to run a flaming canteen here. Bren, you can't tell blue from green. If I have to look at them leggings one more day, I'll burst into tears. You're way too chirpy first thing in the bloody morning... but yes, I love ya...ya poxy lame-brained half-wit! Will that do??"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

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S2E10

TOAST

Originally broadcast: 27 January 2000
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Victoria Wood

Philippa announces that the canteen is to close, and Bren fails to make it back to the television studio for Totally Trivial.

"I'm gonna look like a bouncy castle. Children are gonna line their sandals up and pay a pound to jump on me."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

BRENDA FURLONG

Played by Victoria Wood
16 Episodes
in... Party (1998)

DOLLY BELLFIELD

Played by Thelma Barlow
16 Episodes
in... Toast (2000)

TONY MARTAIN

Played by Andrew Dunn
16 Episodes
in... Trouble (1999)

ANITA

Played by Shobna Gulati
16 Episodes
in... Christmas (1999)

PHILIPPA MOORCROFT

Played by Celia Imrie
16 Episodes
in... Christine (2000)

TWINKLE

Played by Maxine Peake
16 Episodes
in... Scandal (1998)

STAN MEADOWCROFT

Played by Duncan Preston
16 Episodes
in... Minnellium (1999)

JEAN

Played by Anne Reid
15 Episodes
in... Gravy (2000)

JANE

Played by Sue Devaney
11 Episodes
in... Fog (1999)

PETULA GORDINO

Played by julie Walters
15 Episodes
in... Holidays (1999)

MR. MICHAEL

Played by Christopher Greet
7 Episodes
in... Nightshift (1998)

NORMAN

Played by Adrian Hood 5 episodes
and Andrew Livingston 2 episodes
in... Gamble (1999)

BIG GLENDA

Played by Sue Cleaver
4 Episodes
in... Catering (1999)