Refuses to come alive

2002's Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones is arguably the best of George Lucas' Star Wars prequel trilogy, though that is still incredibly faint praise. Objectively, this is not a good movie by any stretch, as it suffers from tedious storytelling, dismal dialogue and half-hearted acting, but at least it's colourful and action-packed enough to relieve boredom at times. Still, the limited entertainment value is not enough to salvage the overlong Episode II, which is also marred by inconsistent digital effects; oftentimes, the movie looks too artificial and cartoonish, lacking the wondrous realism and believability of the original Star Wars trilogy. Without any heart or compelling drama, this particular Star Wars adventure absolutely refuses to come alive in any substantial way.

Ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace, Senator Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) is under threat of assassination. Voicing her concerns to Jedi Master Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson), the council assigns Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) to serve as Padme's bodyguard. No longer a child, Anakin has grown in his Jedi training since he last saw Padme, having spent the last decade under the instruction of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). After another attempt on Padme's life, Obi-Wan begins investigating, with the evidence eventually leading him to the planet Kamino, where an enormous army of clones is being bred. Anakin, meanwhile, accompanies Padme back to her home planet of Naboo, where his feelings for the senator begin to flourish. In addition to this, Anakin is haunted by nightmares concerning his mother (Pernilla August) on Tatooine, and becomes determined to set her free. And there's also some nonsense about Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) being given autonomous control, and a shady Sith known as Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) who's lurking behind the curtain.

Astonishingly, Lucas enlisted third party help during the writing process, penning the screenplay with Young Indiana Jones veteran Jonathan Hales. Alas, the writing is nevertheless as terrible as ever, with Lucas demonstrating that he has no idea how to create a scintillating or even a remotely believable romance. Anakin and Padme's relationship is impossible to become invested in, with Anakin mostly acting like a creepy stalker rather than a romantic dreamboat. The pair are thrown together simply because reasons, with little internal logic to support the plot point, and does anybody else find it nauseating that Padme keeps wearing provocative clothing whilst rejecting all of Anakin's advances? Furthermore, just as The Phantom Menace spent too much time on tedious political machinations, Attack of the Clones is overstuffed with chatter and extended exposition, yet the dialogue is treated like homework, leading to severe pacing issues. There is no charm or wit to the screenplay, and it's hard to recall a single line of memorable dialogue beyond the horrendously cheesy stuff that you remember for all the wrong reasons. When done right, politics can be a riveting subject matter in a motion picture, but it feels obligatory here, with Lucas clearly more interested in flashy visuals and battles.

Compared to its immediate predecessor, Attack of the Clones is a bit darker in tone, with a few sequences that children might find a bit intense. But what's still missing from these prequels is the pep, humanity, emotion and personal themes of the original trilogy. Lucas does try to go to a deeper place, granted, but lacks the talent to pull it off correctly. At least the infamous Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) is minimised, though his brief appearance is still more than we should ever have to endure. Furthermore, Attack of the Clones suffers from another major flaw that brought down The Phantom Menace: illogical, forced references to the original Star Wars trilogy. In this case, the biggest offender is bringing in Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), revealing that fan favourite Boba Fett (Daniel Logan) is a clone, and an army of soldiers has been created from Jango's genome. It's not satisfying, and with Boba's arc ultimately leading nowhere, the whole subplot feels like dead weight, not to mention an incredible coincidence. Worse, seeing Boba as a child takes away a degree of his badassery. It's bad enough that Darth Vader is sullied through Anakin's portrayal throughout this trilogy, but Boba as well? Good lord.

People still give Lucas way too much credit for the original Star Wars trilogy, forgetting the valuable contributions from the likes of producer Gary Kurtz, as well as the editorial input from Lucas' ex-wife Marcia. Kurtz in particular was instrumental in making sure the first film didn't suck, while The Empire Strikes Back had the benefit of director Irvin Kershner and writer Lawrence Kasdan. But Lucas eventually liberated himself from the scrutiny and creative input of others who do not always agree with him, with the prequel trilogy representing Lucas' preferred, undiluted vision of Star Wars... And it's awful. Attack of the Clones was one of the first motion pictures to be lensed digitally, with Lucas wanting to move away from celluloid and practical effects. Truth be told, the picture has not aged well due to this, with a glossy presentation overstuffed with computer-generated imagery creating a hopelessly artificial image. Nothing looks real, with the sterile imagery in dire need of grit and a lived-in disposition. Still, at least the movie is stuffed with colourful action scenes which makes it more bearable. In particular, seeing Yoda finally unleash his Jedi prowess and engage in a lightsaber duel is insanely fun.

Jake Lloyd did not win over fans with his portrayal of Anakin Skywalker, but Lucas somehow managed to choose an even worse thespian to replace him. Christensen is fucking terrible, and even that is an understatement; he's an unconvincing romantic lead, his dramatic acting could not be more forced, and he recites dialogue as if reading from cue cards. One supposes there is only so much one can do with the terrible material, though, as Anakin is turned into a petulant, spoiled little snot without much in the way of depth. Obi-Wan and Anakin were supposedly good friends, but you would never know it judging from this movie. McGregor, meanwhile, again tries his best to inject some semblance of life into Obi-Wan, but he's hamstrung by wooden dialogue. Likewise, Portman shows no spark at all, while Jackson was apparently asleep during filming. The only actor who has any sort of success is Christopher Lee, though that's almost by default since Lee is good in anything.

As with The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones received a reluctant pass from movie-goers upon its release in 2002, but age has not been kind to this particular instalment in the Star Wars franchise, with its dated CGI and video game logic. This is simply a cold, cold flick all the way through to its core, and while it tries to develop a romance and attempts emotion, it can never successfully pull us into its universe or completely involve us with its characters. It flirts with emotional resonance, but Lucas fails to create a journey of any real substance. Attack of the Clones may be entertaining in fits and starts, but it's rarely enthralling and never affecting - it's a lifeless, mechanical fantasy action movie.