Favourite TV Quotes

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Dr. Cristina Yang: It's like candy, but with blood. Which is so much better!

Erica: My whole life... My whole adult life, I have been with men. And it always felt, you know, fine, good, but... I never... I mean -- I mean, I did, but not... Not like this. This is like needing glasses.
Callie: Uhm, I've blinded you?
Erica: No. When I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor, and they said that I needed glasses. I didn't understand that. It didn't make sense to me because I could see fine. And then I get the glasses, and I put them on, and I'm in the car on the way home, and suddenly I yell... Because the big green blobs that I had been staring at my whole life, they weren't big green blobs. They were leaves on trees. I could see the leaves. And I didn't even know I was missing the leaves. I didn't even know that leaves existed, and then... Leaves! You... are glasses. I am so gay. I am so, so, so gay! I am extremely gay!

Samantha: You know that thing about touching the plate after the waiter tells you it's hot? The most exciting time is that moment right before you touch it. After that, you're just an idiot sitting in a restaurant with a burnt finger. The truth is, as one who's had my share of meals, it's a lot more fun when you're not in pain.

Regina: Remember when you wanted a trampoline until you hit your head on a beehive?
Samantha: Why would you put a trampoline underneath a beehive?
Regina: To stop you from jumping too high!

Sam: And now I can't quit my job, and I have to work. It is so unfair!
Todd: Unfair how?
Sam: That I have to work! So I can pay my bills! So that I can make money! Okay, so it sounded a lot more unfair in my head than it did out loud.

Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: Promised Penny what?
Sheldon: I wouldn't tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I'M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

Raj: Oh, you're so arrogant! If you were a super hero your name would be Captain Arrogant. And do you know what your super power would be? Arrogance!

Raj: What do you say Howard?
Howard: I say Vegas baby!
Raj: What are you gonna tell your mother?
Howard: Sea World baby!

Raj: In Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Raj: So when they fly horses or fly on their birds they also use their ponytails.
Wolowitz: What's your point?
Raj: My point is that if I was a bird or a horse I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

*Playing 3D chess*
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Oh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously, you're not suited for three dimensional chess. Perhaps three dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board!
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.

Leonard: What got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: You do your little experiments, I do mine.

Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I can't sleep
Penny: Maybe because your hole is still open
Sheldon: I'm homesick
Penny: Your home is 20 feet from here
Sheldon: 20 feet, 20 light-years, doesn't matter, it's in a galaxy far, far away
Penny: Damn it... What do you want me to do?
Sheldon: Sing "soft kitty"
Penny: That's only for when you're sick
Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick
Penny: Come on do i really have to?
Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk
Penny: (considers for a moment) *soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty... um...
Sheldon: Sleepy kitty
Penny: Sleepy kitty...
Sheldon: No, start over
Penny: *Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr*
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here
Penny: Oh you're welcome sweetie
Sheldon: Okay, i'm sleepy now get out

Ben: Ok, so, if you've got any questions, just ask.
Nathan: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?
Ben: If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. oh, and if it's on dry land, I'd bet on the bear.

Nathan: Come on. Look, we're a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.

(Nathan throws a brick through a car windscreen)
Sally: Are you mentally deficient?
Nathan: If I was mentally deficient I would have missed.


*talking to his brother about his 8th bday*
Nathan: He's suppose to take me out for the day, so he takes me to IKEA. He buys so much flat-pack furniture there's no room for me in the car, so he leaves me there for 3 hours. Then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and buys me lunch. I spent my 8th birthday eating swedish meatballs with a known pedophile.
Jamie: did he...
Nathan: no no. Dad got back when we were finishing our ice cream,but that sick pervert cared more about me than Dad ever did. He would've taken me to the zoo.

Nathan: We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class As. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else take that away from me!

Nathan Young: We may have done sod all with our powers but we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone.
Curtis Donovan: She raped me and we killed loads of people.
Nathan Young: Okay, but we're the good guys!

Marshall: I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time!
[there is an awkward silence]
Marshall: OK, that came out wrong.

Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate!

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greetings card]
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Barney: A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: ... So you wanna get pizza later-
Scott: I think we should break up.

[All the guys at the table are staring at Jal's breasts]
Jal: For Christ's sake! Stop Looking at them!
Maxxie: Oh, sorry Jal. Well, they're out aren't they?
Jal: [to Maxxie] You're gay!
Maxxie: [enchanted] Yeah... [snaps back to normal] I mean, yeah. Of course.
Jal: [to Anwar] You're supposed to respect womens' bodies, Muslim boy!
Anwar: I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.

Angie: I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!
Chris Miles: How old are they normally?

Maxxie: I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.

Effy: [About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.
Sid: It is to me.

Cassie: I'll love you forever, Sid.
Sid: You will?
Cassie: Yes. That's the problem.

Freddie: We'd be good together. Don't you think?
Effy: No.
Freddie: Why?
Effy: Because I'll break your heart.


Naomi: I do want someone. I need someone. You're it.
Emily: And?
Naomi: And... when I'm with you, I feel like a better person. And I feel happier, less alone... less lonely
Naomi: It's not as simple as that, is it? Being with someone?
Emily: Isn't it?
Naomi: No. I'm mean I don't know. At least, I don't think so.

Emily: What do you do someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?
Thomas: You must try to stop loving them.
Emily: And is that possible?
Thomas: [Pause] No, I don't think so.

Thomas: Is that the answer for everything? To go and get pissed?
Pandora: No, Häagen-Dazs is the answer for everything.

JJ: You know, love's thoroughly overrated, Panda. I've never even had a girlfriend, look how happy I am... in between minor psychological breakdowns. Sure, all the serotonin, and endorphins, and sex, et cetera, feel good, but really, love? An illusion. It can't last. Nope.

Rusty: This has been hands down the best night of my life. Even better than the time they announced Pluto wasn’t a planet. I hated Pluto, it was obviously such a dwarf planet!

Cappie: We're all adults here, why don't we say exactly what we're thinking? How could they cancel Gilmore Girls?


Rusty: I think I’m ready to use the L word with Jen.
Cappie: That’s a pretty bold move. What makes you think she’s a lesbian?

Rusty: Dale you gotta be careful drinking all that caffeine.
Dale: No, my resting heart rate is… 145, that’s well within’ tolerance.
Rusty: Yea, for a humming bird!

Jen K: (Talking about Dale) I know he has some issues…
Rusty: Some issues? He canceled our cable after accidentally watching three minutes of a Dawson’s Creek rerun.

Beaver: I heard about the honors engineering floor, but I thought it was a joke.

Cappie: You know Fun, Ev's? F..U..
Evan: N?
Cappie: Nope.... That's It.

Rusty: Did you know that alcohol was illegal in the 20s?
Beaver: No. Is that why they call it the Great Depression?

Dal: For a clever guy you can be pretty stupid.

Jack: Science not good enough? Here we've got the technology, but NO! Lex wants potion and spells, from the land of Goblins and Giants!
Lex: Why you little...
Jack: Ooh. Is the Zen master gonna lose control?

Tai-San: Love and hate, two sides of the same coin. One can become another with the flip of a finger.

Amber: Look up "pregnancy".
[Lex laughs]
Amber: What?
Lex: You don't need a laptop to learn about that. All you need's a lap.

Sammy: [as they are about to listen to a tape recording of what goes on in Pride and Salene's bedroom] They can't just be kissing. They're probably going to be talking a little bit, too.
Mouse: Yeah, because you have to say stuff between kisses, like "Oh, that was nice." and "How about another?"

Bray: Jack, tell me honestly, I mean, what are our chances here?
Jack: Well I'd put mine at about 90%, and I'm not so sure about yours.
Bray: Don't get cocky!

Lex: This is the Chosen we're talking about. If they get to the alarms we're gonna need iron bars not an extra set of bells.
Kc: Yeah, I can really see them going 'Run run, they've got 2 sets of alarms!
Lex: Yeah right. 'Oh mighty Zoot, you never warned us about this one!

Dexter Morgan: I suppose I should be upset, even feel violated, but I'm not. No, in fact, I think this is a friendly message, like "Hey, wanna play?" and yes, I want to play. I really, really do.

Dexter Morgan: She's the only person in the world who loves me. I think that's nice. I don't have feeling about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I'd have them for Deb.

Dexter Morgan: I chose Rita because she is, in her own way, as damaged as me.

Dexter Morgan: Tonight's the night.

Jordan Chase: Tik tik tik, that's the sound of your life running out.

Caroline: And you're the one who freaked me out so much about going in a strangers apartment.
Max: What did I say that was so bad?
Caroline: You told me he'd cut off my face and wear it as a party hat.
Max: I said. . probably, probably cut off your face.